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Can a therapist even help with the issues I have with t... - 8/25/2008 2:49:13 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I've wanted therapy for about a year or more for the issues in my relationship, only I don't know if a therapist can help me with issues, like my frusteration with him being a lazy slob, or him being totally fiancially unreliable, or His nasty habbit of not dealing with issues in a timely manner untill it's become something that will now possibly cost him his job, if we should be sued cause he didn't deal with it. Or that he sexually neglects your needs continiously despite talks about it and despite not allowing any one else to provide for those needs. And my suprise at how much the desire for sex has suprised me cause in the past due to sexual abuse I have nearly zero interest or enjoyment from sex, and now I seem to be wanting sex more, despite not being fufilled by it. Or the fact that it's becoming painfully clear month after month that I have not picked my partner very will and did indeed do a piss poor job when I picked him?



Now I know most people will recomend I leave him and run far far away from him based on what I've said, but that's not what I want, I want to know if any one's ever gone to therapy for dealing with similar issues, and was the therapy a help, or can they even help me?


< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 8/25/2008 2:50:56 PM >
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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 2:55:01 PM   
UncleNasty


Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
Status: offline 		Your going to therapy won't do a thing because it seems all of the issues you've laid on the table seem to belong to him.

His going to therapy because you want him to won't do thing either. He has to want it for himself and you can't make him want it.

How many therpists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the bulb has to want to change.

Uncle Nasty

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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 3:15:50 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Well yes, the issues are all things he causes, but I still need to cope with how I feel about the issues he causes, and have a safe place to talk about and explore things, such as the sex issue.

So my question remains the same. Wil a therapist help me cope with how I feel about said issues, or will their reply likely to be dump the dude.

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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 3:50:25 PM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline 		If you're hoping that a therapist will be able to fix him or tell you how to fix him, you will be disappointed.  What a good therapist will do is to look at what's going on without taking sides, facilitate communication between the two of you, and give each of you suggestions for handling relationship situations more constructively.  Whether or not that will fix things depends largely on how willing you both are to look at your own behavior and make changes.  It works best when both partners want the relationship to succeed, can see how they are contributing to the problems and are committed to doing something to fix things. 

I have a number of friends who have gone through couples therapy.  They've all been happy that they did it and felt that it helped them, but it didn't always save the relationship.  Sometimes things had just gone too far to put them back together, sometimes one or the other or both weren't really willing to make changes, sometimes they realized that they just weren't a good match from the start - that their issues couldn't be resolved.  I have a few friends whose partners refused to go along so went to therapy by themselves.  I don't think that any of them were successful in saving the relationship, but they all ended up content and feeling like they'd made the right decision in going to therapy and in ending the relationship.

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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 3:54:33 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Hon you've asked this same question before. Therapy can change how you handle things, yes. But it won't change how he acts, it won't change the things that drive you nuts and make you unhappy.
Only he can change his actions and only if he wants to. From all that you've said he is content in his little world while you are chafing at the seams.

If they do say 'dump the dude' would that be such an awful thing to hear? What if you are told that because they really believe that is best for you and your future?
No matter how much therapy you get he will still be the same guy. In fact you may change beyond him, I mean that there is a chance that you will have inner growth and leave him behind. It does happen.

You don't sound happy with him, and you haven't sounded happy for a long time. A lot of frustration and resentment comes through your words.

Would it really be so bad to move on from him? Think past the first reaction of 'scared, alone, unsure' and look to 5 years from now. Do you want to be in the same place with the same struggles or do you want something different?

It is okay to grow, actually it is more than okay. It is essential.
I don't think he wants to grow or change and I think that you do. Sometimes when I read your posts it feels like you are trapped in a jar which makes me sad. I want to open the jar, let you out and watch you soar.


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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:05:52 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		A therapist can help you clarify your issues and feelings. They won't tell you what to do, what to think or what to say.
Just remember that a good therapist is going to be on your side if you are the only one going, and will be unbiased if the two of you go.

I have been through therapy and found it to be hugely helpful - i understand myself and my actions and reactions so much more than before. It can be very scary because you have to fact things you would rather not, and inevitably make decisions you would rather not make.

If you truly don't want to leave this man, then there probably will be ways that you can accept his behaviours, without trying to change him. With all due respect, you don't sound as if you respect this man at all, so there may be some major work to do.

If you want therapy, then GO!  You need it!

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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:12:23 PM   
DelightnDevotion


Posts: 45
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline 		I am a Marriage and Family Therapist.  During my training program I was taught that it's unethical to tell a couple or individual to leave a relationship (unless the relationship is abusive).  I always tell my clients (whether it is an individual, couple or family group) that it is not my job to impose my thoughts, beliefs and ideas on them or their relationship.  Rather I see my job as helping them to define what they want and to achieve that outcome in the healthiest manner possible.  Not all therapists operate under this belief though--and others just might not mesh well with you.  You may have to talk to a few on the phone before you find one that you think is a good fit for you. 

I think seeking out some therapy would be very helpful for you--if your goal is to stay in the relationship and learn to cope better with the challenges be sure you communicate it clearly when you first meet with the therapist.  I think some couple's therapy would help, too--based upon what you wrote in your posts.  But if your partner won't go then you can absolutely go alone. 

_____________________________

"Surrender yourself humbly;
then you can be trusted to care for all things."
Tao Te Ching, Chapter 13

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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:13:04 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Nope, I have no illusion that the therapist will fix him, or make me fix him. I just want a safe place to talk about my feelings  and my issues with the issues he causes, and then maybe I can let go of some of the bitterness I have over these issues, and maybe they can then become non issues on my part. Because really, it's only an issue most times if I personally feel it is. I mean he's obviously ok with it and I'm not, so I am the one who's making it an issue. And if we don't break up then maybe going to therapy will help me, in being able to make my part of the relationship healthier, you know as in how I relate to him react to him, communicate wth him.

And should I decide I can't tolerate these issues any more, she can help me deal with the feelings that come up from knowing it's only a matter of time till I cut ties and wander off. Therapy might also help me be less jaded and cynical towards finding a new partner, in time and when I am ready.





quote:

ORIGINAL: MmeGigs

If you're hoping that a therapist will be able to fix him or tell you how to fix him, you will be disappointed. 


< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 8/25/2008 4:23:17 PM >

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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:19:16 PM   
MAMandSlave


Posts: 110
Joined: 8/15/2008
Status: offline 		A therapist will be able to help you explore your situation, what keeps you there, how you can make yourself happier. They will also assist you in developing a plan to leave your partner should that be your choice. The things you listed are his problems, how you respond to them is your problem.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:22:41 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Honestly, I went to counseling with my ex. It did nothing because he does not want to change and had no ambition for anything and he isn't particularly a person that wants change. So you have the choice to deal with it until you cant and then leave. It may give you a sounding board that makes you feel better. When you become fed up you will leave. Then perhaps you will choose better. I learned that there is a certain type of man that i need. Someone who I have more in common with and one who is more adventurous and ambitious and more manly.

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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:24:27 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I agree with MmeGigs - couples therapy seems more warranted. 

The best thing I learned from therapy is that no one can make you feel x (x being happy, sad, angry, etc.).  You choose to feel that way in your response to what they have done.  (It is common to say something like, "He MADE me so angry!")  I also learned that it is very common for one person in a relationship to feel that everything is great while the other one is suffering.  It's because the one who thinks it is great is getting everything they need and it is easier for them to assume that their partner is, too, than to take an honest look at it.  This is especially true if the partner is a bit of a doormat.  Trying to be a good submissive could easily put one into that category.

There are BDSM friendly therapists, but I still don't think that you would personally see much benefit from it.  It would have to be the partner exhibiting the problems.   I had to go to an anger management therapist, not because I had anger issues but because I knew that no other therapist would believe the things that my husband (now ex) was doing.  There came a point where the therapist told me that if I didn't get out of the relationship immediately and move out of reach that he was afraid I would be dead before the next session.  Keep in mind that your emotional well being is just as important as your life.  I wouldn't exclude leaving as an option, even though it would no doubt be a painful decision.


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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:25:21 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Techinically I have asked if therapy would help with weight loss issues, never relationship issues. But The question was similar yes.

I sent you an email too btw.

Basically my whole point in therapy would be to have a safe place to be honest and not censor my distaste of the situation, my frusteration and my regrets for having gotten involved with him in the first place.

So no, it really wouldn't be that bad to hear the therapist thinks I should leave, but that's not why I am going, however if that did happen then it'd certaintly take care of the whole problem that prompted the thought. Get rid of the man get rid of the issue.

We've struggled so hard to get to be live in and more than just 1 visit a week, It's sad that we've finally gotten our goal an basic issues such as sex and money and his personal apathy is going to tear it all apart most likely. I'd like to see if we/ I can move beyond that.




quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Hon you've asked this same question before. Therapy can change how you handle things, yes. But it won't change how he acts, it won't change the things that drive you nuts and make you unhappy.
Only he can change his actions and only if he wants to. From all that you've said he is content in his little world while you are chafing at the seams.

If they do say 'dump the dude' would that be such an awful thing to hear? What if you are told that because they really believe that is best for you and your future?
No matter how much therapy you get he will still be the same guy. In fact you may change beyond him, I mean that there is a chance that you will have inner growth and leave him behind. It does happen.

You don't sound happy with him, and you haven't sounded happy for a long time. A lot of frustration and resentment comes through your words.

Would it really be so bad to move on from him? Think past the first reaction of 'scared, alone, unsure' and look to 5 years from now. Do you want to be in the same place with the same struggles or do you want something different?

It is okay to grow, actually it is more than okay. It is essential.
I don't think he wants to grow or change and I think that you do. Sometimes when I read your posts it feels like you are trapped in a jar which makes me sad. I want to open the jar, let you out and watch you soar.


(in reply to camille65)
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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:33:26 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		YHMA,
i'm not trying to be a bitch here. However, i am confused with the difference in what You've posted in this thread versus the thread in Health and Safety, which stated:  Am I on the right track there? Cause I've always been told by my therapist, that actions of the past can not be acted* ie bringing the law in or putting one in an institution* apon unless I am clearly a direct threat to myself or others that moment in therapy by stating I intend to go home and do bodily harm.
If You have a therapist You should really be open and honest with that person who is providing those services to You.
Kali


_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:37:04 PM   
mzbehavin


Posts: 253
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline 		No it will not help you. Save your money.

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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:38:19 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		One of the things that therapy can do is, indeed, what you are asking about.  You can explore things like coping with his behaviors, why you are willing to put up with them, why you keep making the same poor choices over and over (just an example, I'm not saying that applies to you), and even different ways of looking at things.

I'll give you an example of that last one.  I was venting to a friend who is the best family therapist that I know.  I was going on and on about how my husband (husband at the time, now my ex) wanted to spend $500 on a new barbecue grill when I was worrying about how to pay the bills.  I was furious that he wanted to blow $500 (and in my mind, that's what it was... blowing money).  She stopped me mid-rant and said, "and how likely is it that this will ever happen?".  Yep, stopped me cold.  I was furious and fuming about something that was never going to happen, because he was never going to have $500 in his hand.

That gave me a whole new way of looking at things.  When I found myself getting angry over something he planned to do, I would stop and ask myself that question... how likely is it that this will come to pass?  And pretty close to 100% of the time, the answer was "never".


Cali




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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:42:45 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss
I just want a safe place to talk about my feelings  and my issues with the issues he causes, and then maybe I can let go of some of the bitterness I have over these issues, and maybe they can then become non issues on my part. Because really, it's only an issue most times if I personally feel it is. I mean he's obviously ok with it and I'm not, so I am the one who's making it an issue.


You are taking on all the responsibility for his being irresponsible about things. There is nothing wrong with being upset about someone who refuses to be an adult about money and budget issues or who refuses to get important things done.

If you want to take care of him then that's different but it doesn't sound like you want to be doing all the 'hard stuff' all of the time by yourself.


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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:42:48 PM   
curvyslavegirl


Posts: 134
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Therapy isn't designed for you to "fix" someone else.
You can work on the relationship dynamics or your individual issues but can not control another person through therapy.

If the issue is communication oriented or interaction oriented then go for it. If you're just hoping he'll change because of it, you're going to end up deeply disappointed.


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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:44:10 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I don't have a therapist now, but I used to, and  that is indeed what I have always been told when I had one.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

YHMA,
i'm not trying to be a bitch here. However, i am confused with the difference in what You've posted in this thread versus the thread in Health and Safety, which stated:  Am I on the right track there? Cause I've always been told by my therapist, that actions of the past can not be acted* ie bringing the law in or putting one in an institution* apon unless I am clearly a direct threat to myself or others that moment in therapy by stating I intend to go home and do bodily harm.
If You have a therapist You should really be open and honest with that person who is providing those services to You.
Kali


(in reply to Kalista07)
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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:46:34 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		My apologies. However, if You've had one in the past my recommendation would be to contact that person (if You had a positive working relationship with them).  The reality is You already know that You can not change Him. But, You can indeed work on adjusting Your reactions to some things in Your relationship, and can also begin to identify why You are willing to settle for someone who so clearly does not have the same ideals and goals in life that You do. It can help You to step up to the plate and become responsibile for Yourself and Your actions.
Kali


_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: Can a therapist even help with the issues I have wi... - 8/25/2008 4:56:19 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		 
therapy is free for me, so no finacial cost there to persue it, except the cost of gas. But then everything in life costs gass pretty much an I can't stop living life cause of gass costs.
quote:

ORIGINAL: mzbehavin

No it will not help you. Save your money.

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