DomDolf -> RE: Advice for New Dominants (9/3/2008 10:36:15 PM)
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More advice for new dominants. These will be general statements and may seem to be advanced concepts for someone that may feel overwhelmed already by all the information they are taking in. Don't get overwhelmed. Relax and take it in as you can. Be prepared to stand your ground- This is more of an extension of MR's "Dance to your own beat". There will be many people that will speak against you and your ways, they will challenge your position. Always look for a greater understanding of all aspects of any situation. People that argue with people that don't matter are generally not achieving anything. People that discuss or debate with positive motives are good for honing and solidifying your views. There are people that I disagree with 90 out of 100 times, but there are ten times where they bring ups something that I identify with or had not thought of. If I dismiss them completely then there are those few times that I could have gained and chose not to. Before engaging in immature arguments think about what you have to gain from doing it. Standing your ground means to not allow someone to move you and does not require forward (aggressive) movement on your part. Be prepared to change your views- Do not get so wrapped up in being right that you become foolish. A good man admits when he is wrong. You will gain more respect by admitting that you were wrong or have learned something new that helped change your view. Being dominant doesn't mean you stop making mistakes or stop learning. In everything there is a lesson- It may not be a positive lesson, but there is a lesson in everything. Whether it reinforces what you already suspect/know in a broader sense or there is a more tuned lesson about the person/people and the situations involving them there is a lesson. You should look at everything you experience in life as an opportunity to gain a greater understanding of people, situations, psychology, cause and effect, etc. Pay attention to the details- There is a lot to be understood in the details. Like commas changing the meaning of a sentence there are great amounts of information in the details. Everything your submissive says is important. Look at her when you speak. Watch the eyes, the corners of the mouth the jaw muscles, the ear twitches, her brow, the position of the hands, the hips, the tilt of her head, the movement of her feet, tightening of her muscles, watch everything. Get to know her habits. Learn what to expect from her. Get to where you can predict just about everything she will do in a given situation. Discern normal from unusual actions, speech or behaviors. If anything changes look for the reasons why. Don't necessarily ask her why she is standing that way, try to figure it out and then ask questions that will qualify your thoughts. Also ask disqualifying questions. This sharpens your abilities, you are training yourself. Don't put yourself in a position likely to allow you to forget. Remembering is a sign that it matters to you. Once in a while you will forget, but it shouldn't be often enough for your submissive to believe that you are a forgetful person. The details are not just surrounding your submissive. Recognizing the details in everything in your life will go a long way in promoting positive growth for you. This assumes that you are not a paranoid person. Cause and affect- Be aware of the causes and affects behind everything you say and do. Everything has a cause and a result. Become aware of patterns in these relations. The more you observe and learn what to expect in situations the better you will do in all aspects of your life. Think before you act. For example you should have rational reasoning before you punish your submissive. I generally view punishment as a result of failure on my part to be an effective and wise leader. LuckyAlbatross wrote something in another thread that I have found to be sadly true- "But in general most doms just don't know how to deal with real problems so they walk away until the sub is scared enough to shut up about it and act like it's not really a problem." The result in that situation will not be good, I can almost guarantee it. Take the time to do the right thing. Think of the results of your actions. Possibly more to come. Dolf
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