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A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 8:08:57 PM   
OnyxDelphi


Posts: 138
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline 		The following was written to me on a different website and I wanted everyone's honest opinion on how to help this young Dom in the rising.

Please be honest, but kind. No need to bash him or each other. Not too mention, I'm not entirely sure what to say to him.

"I have a bit of a personal problem I wanted your advice on. I could bring this issue up with those who know me best, but I feel for a genuine unbiased opinion I need to ask a stranger in BDSM.

Btw, thanks for reading this much. Forgive me if this is long.

For starters, I know I love BDSM. It's a lifestyle that I have no desire leaving. My dilemma is determining where I stand in the ranks of other Doms.

I have slight submissive tendencies, which come out mostly in vanilla day to day life...however I have 0 desire to be a sub. In fact, when it comes to my partner (currently single), I prefer to be Dominant. I enjoy having things my way, giving orders, and being in control. And all the creative stuff that goes with it.

However, I don't don't know how to gauge this since I am not a dominant person by nature. I honestly, ride the fence subconsciously. I am by nature, a neutral person in most things I do. However, I am not a switch.

So here lies my problem. I can watch other doms and see them in action and just in vanilla reactions, and they usually are doms daily in most things.

I know how to control. I'm good at executing it. I'm creative and I love it. Not too mention I love a girl on her knees calling me "Master/Daddy." But you're not going to get that "dominating" persona radiating off of me.  Honestly, if someone were to serve me, it would have to be because they like who I am, and not because they always feel submissive in my presence.

Do you see my problem?

Any advice you could offer would greatly help.

Thank you. "
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 8:11:53 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I'm not seeing the problem, other than he thinks he has to exude dominance, or that there are "ranks" of dominance.


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to OnyxDelphi)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 8:12:45 PM   
OnyxDelphi


Posts: 138
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline 		Personally, I feel that he just needs to find a sub that will respond to him in a positive light. Not all subs are the same, and someone may see something in him worth keeping that others don't see.

(in reply to OnyxDelphi)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 8:24:19 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		He is OK.  Not every Dom is 100% dominant every second of every day in his life.  And if he just wants to be the Dom with one person and one only..I really don't see anything wrong with it..Nor should he.

(in reply to OnyxDelphi)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 8:25:27 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps there is a prime candidate to be a casual, bedroom top.  No shame in that....

A proper match is going to be more important than trying to attain some kind of  "dominating presence".

lovingpet

(in reply to OnyxDelphi)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 8:29:32 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I think his problem is self confidence more than anything else. It sounds like rather than judging himself for what he has and what he can offer, he is comparing himself to those he sees around him. Thats always a bad way to start. You cannot care what everyone else is doing, you have to be happy with yourself and your partner.



_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 8:41:01 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I think his problem is self confidence more than anything else. It sounds like rather than judging himself for what he has and what he can offer, he is comparing himself to those he sees around him. Thats always a bad way to start. You cannot care what everyone else is doing, you have to be happy with yourself and your partner.


Absolutely DV! 

lovingpet






(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 8:57:57 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He's comparing his insides to others' outsides. If he prefers to give the orders in daily life, that spells dominant to me. He just needs to find someone who likes him as is.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 9:24:48 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		The only problem is his perception of what "dominant" is or that all submissive women seek the same thing. There is no need to "exude" dominance. Sometimes that's a sign of insecurity. He just has to feel confident in being dominant in a way that works for him and forget trying to conform to his preconceived idea of what a dominant person is like.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 9:42:36 PM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline 		It is okay to be dominant and still wish to serve - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you are better equipped to understand what service means.

It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself to be vulnerable - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because willfully being vulnerable takes the highest form of courage there is.

It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself self-doubt - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because constant self-examination and self-criticism are the only way to protect against the sorts of self-delusion that dominance can so easily invite.

It is okay to be dominant and not exude dominance - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you have to actually know what you're doing, rather than simply winging it and expecting it to work.

< Message edited by Ialdabaoth -- 9/6/2008 9:43:00 PM >

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/6/2008 9:55:52 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Calif said exactly what I was going to say.  This dudes only problem is that he's measuring himself up against others and believing he comes up short.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/7/2008 1:26:19 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

It is okay to be dominant and still wish to serve - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you are better equipped to understand what service means.

It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself to be vulnerable - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because willfully being vulnerable takes the highest form of courage there is.

It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself self-doubt - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because constant self-examination and self-criticism are the only way to protect against the sorts of self-delusion that dominance can so easily invite.

It is okay to be dominant and not exude dominance - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you have to actually know what you're doing, rather than simply winging it and expecting it to work.


Well said!

My thought is that he is confusing dominance with domineering ... they are NOT the same thing and the latter is usually unpleasant to be with. A Dominant is someone who knows what s/he wants and how they can motivate a sub to achieve it. They can be the quietest, most laid back person in the room, and yet still be incredibly Dommly to their one and have them wanting nothing more than to be on their knees serving them. Stop judging himself, develop his OWN Dommly style in concert with his sub!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/7/2008 4:40:05 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

It is okay to be dominant and still wish to serve - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you are better equipped to understand what service means.

It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself to be vulnerable - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because willfully being vulnerable takes the highest form of courage there is.

It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself self-doubt - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because constant self-examination and self-criticism are the only way to protect against the sorts of self-delusion that dominance can so easily invite.

It is okay to be dominant and not exude dominance - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you have to actually know what you're doing, rather than simply winging it and expecting it to work.


Brilliant.  Basically, you're saying, its ok to be dominant and still want to be human.

quote:

  My dilemma is determining where I stand in the ranks of other Doms.


As others have said, it doesn't really matter where someone stands in the ranks of other dominants.  All that matters is where someone stands with respect to their partner.

quote:

I am by nature, a neutral person in most things I do.


This sounds really healthy to me.  Most things in life don't require either dominance or submission.  Neutrality would seem to be more appropriate.  People who are dominant in all things are hard to be with and tend to have problems functioning socially.  They don't play well with others.

quote:

I know how to control. I'm good at executing it. I'm creative and I love it. Not too mention I love a girl on her knees calling me "Master/Daddy." But you're not going to get that "dominating" persona radiating off of me.  Honestly, if someone were to serve me, it would have to be because they like who I am, and not because they always feel submissive in my presence.

Do you see my problem? 


No, I really don't.  I've been involved with a couple of d's where I was attracted to the dominant persona radiating off them rather than who they were.  Those relationships didn't last long.  The persona isn't the person.  Its a mask someone presents to the world.  Relating to a persona would make for a shallow, and probably short lived, relationship. 

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/7/2008 6:08:21 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		I find your friend’s questions refreshing.  He obviously is not one who puts ‘dom’ to his name and expects everything to fall into place without any work on his part.
No one is dominant to the world at large—that would be an overwhelming task! 
He says he wants to lead; has a creative side to his leadership, has given thought to want he wants and how he would make it happen---this is NOT a bad thing! 
 
quote:

  Honestly, if someone were to serve me, it would have to be because they like who I am, and not because they always feel submissive in my presence.

As a submissive, I want to serve and please my dominants.  I was not bludgeoned into submission to them by any sort of ‘dominant aura’.  In fact, R. is very laid back and passive in the eyes of the world (he looks like Santa Claus, complete with twinkling eyes!)  And S. has difficulty sometimes telling potential customers ‘no’, but he has no hesitation denying some requests of mine!  
As others have said, we are all people first and then we find fulfillment in the type of relationships we want. 
 
 
 

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to OnyxDelphi)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/7/2008 7:02:06 AM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		Some of us like the things he seems to be critiquing in himself.

I, personally, speaking only for me, myself and I, don't want the sort of person who is overpowering every situation he/she comes into.  Yes, some form of strength of presence is what I seek, but that can be quiet, sitting in the corner of the room, self assured-ness as opposed to "overpowering must dominate the world".  I feel uncomfortable when too much attention is drawm to me, and so the "understated" dominant in the corner is far more my cup of tea.

He/She is no less dominant in the relationship because I'm the one being assertive and dealing with things, because I'm the one taking a leading role in a social situation/work environment...  I've commented to a few people when trying to work with a dominant friend and myself that the best person to come to with a request/issue/need is me, because I'll get it done even if I'm not the one with the technical know-how.  He and I work well together because we compliment each other.  It doesn't mean I'm not the submissive between the two of us.

I'm rambling, but, meah, just because he doesn't conform to the image of domliness he has in his head doesn't make him an inferior dom or any less desirable.  Just that a different group of s-types will find him attractive.  He won't like all s-types, not all s-type will like him, but if he is himself, he's a better chance of finding a match.

Oh, and ditto what MaamJay said :)

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/7/2008 7:33:55 AM   
TheLadyConstance


Posts: 40
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like he's just human.  It's easy to look at other Doms doing their work and think that they must be like that 24/7, and then doubt your own ability.  I'm going to make a gross assumption that the other Doms he's seen outside a scene were at least aware that he was also into BDSM, and it's possible that they were showing off a little by being dominant in a more vanilla setting.  If it gives you pleasure to be dominant in a scene, but more neutral outside of a scene, that's the way you should do it.  There are no rules, and you can be anything you want to be as long as it makes you (and your partner, if you have one) happy.

(in reply to IvyMorgan)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A Dom Needing Help - 9/7/2008 8:23:17 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OnyxDelphi

The following was written to me on a different website and I wanted everyone's honest opinion on how to help this young Dom in the rising.

Please be honest, but kind. No need to bash him or each other. Not too mention, I'm not entirely sure what to say to him.

"I have a bit of a personal problem I wanted your advice on. I could bring this issue up with those who know me best, but I feel for a genuine unbiased opinion I need to ask a stranger in BDSM.

Btw, thanks for reading this much. Forgive me if this is long.

For starters, I know I love BDSM. It's a lifestyle that I have no desire leaving. My dilemma is determining where I stand in the ranks of other Doms.

I have slight submissive tendencies, which come out mostly in vanilla day to day life...however I have 0 desire to be a sub. In fact, when it comes to my partner (currently single), I prefer to be Dominant. I enjoy having things my way, giving orders, and being in control. And all the creative stuff that goes with it.

However, I don't don't know how to gauge this since I am not a dominant person by nature. I honestly, ride the fence subconsciously. I am by nature, a neutral person in most things I do. However, I am not a switch.

So here lies my problem. I can watch other doms and see them in action and just in vanilla reactions, and they usually are doms daily in most things.

I know how to control. I'm good at executing it. I'm creative and I love it. Not too mention I love a girl on her knees calling me "Master/Daddy." But you're not going to get that "dominating" persona radiating off of me.  Honestly, if someone were to serve me, it would have to be because they like who I am, and not because they always feel submissive in my presence.

Do you see my problem?

Any advice you could offer would greatly help.

Thank you. "



He sounds like a *whole person*, sufficiently developed and self-aware that he no longer fits into anyone's shorthand or box.
 
Give him my nick!
 
candystripper

(in reply to OnyxDelphi)
Profile   Post #: 17
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