need advice

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

need advice

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> need advice

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

need advice - 9/23/2008 9:02:58 AM

wildflowers595

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/18/2008
Status: offline

I am writing this post in hope some other people maybe have experienced this in their relationship or can give me words of wisdom.....I am in a committed relationship with my guy who started out being submissive to me.....It was wonderful as I really enjoyed myself having control over him and flogging him and doing these wonderful things to him.....He has now become a switch and he is several play partners that happen to be females.....he enjoys going to parties and being played with.....I like going to the parties too but I don't ever get played with so its hard for me to keep going when I want to be played with and he gets to be played with by several people.....He also has several small groups that he goes to regularly and munches he goes to....This past weekend we were invited to a birthday party for a friend of my SO. I decided not to go as I knew my SO had a couple of scenes planned out and he was going to be played with by a couple of women. My SO took another submissive lady with him, instead of me. I found out later that he could not trust me at the party is what he told me after the fact.....My SO has never orgasmed while being played with and we have a hard limit of no sexual intercourse but had not really talked about having orgasms with other people.....this past saturday I found out that this one gal gave him an orgasm and I just flipped out, I lost it.......Instead of yelling at my SO, I yelled at myself and said I was stupid and it was my fault......so in essence I can't handle him playing with other people and being submissive.......I in fact was having so much emotional pain, I had hurt myself and ended up in a local ER.....they deemed me safe enough to be at home but I do have to go see somebody which I have been seeing a counselor before this happened.....I just don't know what to do, as I really love my SO and it hurts me to find out he shares certain things in his life with other people who are just friends and not me.......He had left out of his live journal but has about 21 friends to blog with. I asked him why I could not be one of his friends and he reluctanly put me on his friends list........I did read his postings and I was hurt by some of the things he said......I feel like he can not be truthful to me about his feelings and that he will always have this need to play with other people.......of course I have nobody that I am playing with at this time...So, I am looking for any advice any body can give me on how to handle this situation and also to be able to trust him again.....thanks much in advance.....

wildflowers595

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: need advice - 9/23/2008 9:08:20 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

It sounds like you want a whole lot more out of him than he is willing to give. How can you trust him? To do what? He isn't going to be monogamous with you, but it seems like you're not willing to really hear that.

You need to find someone who is more in line with what you want.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to wildflowers595)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: need advice - 9/23/2008 9:18:00 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

It sounds like an incompatability issue. You have invested in a relationship th\t isn't what you thought. I doubt you can regain anything, nor change him nor his attitude. It sucks, but chalk it up and graciously move on and learn for the next relationship.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to wildflowers595)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: need advice - 9/23/2008 9:30:40 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

I think you need to read Mercnbeth's thread on the illusion of dominance and submission.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_2154404/tm.htm

As I read your post, my sympathy and empathy feelers were hard at work. Obviously you no longer have what you had with this SO....
you must make the choice of leaving or staying miserable.

This SO is not worthy of you hurting your life, sanity or shattered emotions...... make the tough choice you know you need to make, as I believe it is not advice you seek, but confirmation of what you really need to do.

many hugs

(in reply to RCdc)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: need advice - 9/23/2008 7:22:56 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm not sure of what advice I can give. I'm more in the shoes of your SO and you are more in the shoes of My husband. For us, it is more often Me who has the list of play partners longer than My arm, while he's literally fallen asleep at play parties because he didn't have anything for him to do.

One bit of advice that I can give you that it isn't worth hurting yourself just because he's playing and you're not. I hope you learned your lesson about this. Harming yourself, and by extension harming everyone around you who cares for you is not an option.

The only other thing I might add is, when you do have opportunities to play when mixed with your circle of friends, make it good. Make people want to play with you. Work on your skills. Make yourself a force with those bottoms who are lucky enough to have your time. Word of mouth carries when it comes to play. I wouldn't be where I am today if I wouldn't have done this Myself.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RealSub58)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: need advice - 9/23/2008 7:53:56 PM

subeos

Posts: 140
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline

I can understand your pain. But no one is worth hurting yourself over. I hope you can find a resolution and be able to move on. I feel for you.

slave eos

~To Thine Own Self Be True~

(in reply to LadyPact)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: need advice - 9/23/2008 8:29:33 PM

soul2share

Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline

I, as a sub, have a couple of part time play partners that I see on rare occasions, and one that I see pretty regularly. But I am not yet in a committed relationship. Once that happens, that's it...no more other partners unless HE decides to bring them in. Committed means just that.....no outside play unless both of us are okay with it, and both partners are equally satisfied.

It sounds as if you do know what you need to do, and frankly, no one is worth hurting yourself over. A relationship works both ways, and it sounds like he's getting his cake and eating it too, and you are going hungry. As far as the trust thing....IMHO, once the trust is damaged, or gone, it takes monumental work to regain it. If he's blogging things that he can't tell you to your face, things that hurt when you read them later, that's an issue. Just based on what I read here, I'd tell him goodbye, nice knowing you, chalk it up to a lesson learned, and move on gracefully. There are others out there, yes, it may take time, but trust me, they are out there.....until then, try what LP advised, put YOURSELF out there, make contacts, heck, host a play party of your own if you can......and get involved!

The emotions you'll have to find your own way to deal with, but the heart and soul will heal, that is one life lesson I have learned the hard way.....just as everyone else does. Find ways to distract yourself, hobbies, get out and see all the places in your city that the tourists do, touch bases with old friends....anything to help the whole healing process. And please, don't take it out on yourself physically...NO ONE is worth that....no one.

And ya know...these boards aren't a bad place to hang out on either.....I've made some great friends, and you can too. You'd be surprised how many CM'ers have actually met up with one another...I'm meeting up with a bunch in October.

_____________________________

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?"...people are starting to take it as a challenge!

*Not a fuck was given.*

(in reply to subeos)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: need advice - 9/24/2008 1:33:04 AM

BiteGirl

Posts: 293
Joined: 4/27/2006
Status: offline

I think if you don't want him to do some things with other people, you need to set him those limits and make sure he goes through with them.

he probably can't be honest with you, or feels he can't because he is afraid of hurting you as he has hurt you when you found out he had an orgasom with another woman.

If you don't see this as working and you both as being happy together (You being happy with what he wants and him being happy with what you want) then maybe it's time to move on.

(in reply to soul2share)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: need advice - 9/24/2008 1:44:23 AM

WhiplashSmile2

Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

I'm all kinds of confused here. You said he started off being sub to you. Yet, you have yourself down as a submissive on your profile?

Who's in control of what again?   Do you guys still have a D/s relationship or not?

If you were a Domme I would say simply lay down the law and rules here.

I don't know what to tell you. Sounds like there are other people involved in his life that are meeting different needs for him compared to you.

You guys should have a good heart to heart talk and figure out how to deal with this issues.   There's really no solid advice anybody can give you here.

First and foremost what do you need/want? Know what it is you need and want from a relationship in general.   Does he meet these needs/wants? If not, are these needs/wants optional for you?

Time to reflect upon matters and do some heart to heart talking with him.

(in reply to wildflowers595)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: need advice - 9/24/2008 4:39:16 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

What whiplash said. Seems to me that you have reversed roles.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: need advice - 9/24/2008 5:34:30 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

OP, I think you need more friends in the lifestyle. Your SO has several, and I think you feel jealous/lonely about that.

I can't get it that a Domme could go to play parties and not find submissive men to play with.

There's a lot about your post that just doesn't strike me as Dommely. Self-hurting, not broaching issues, etc. I suggest thinking about WIITWD, and how you fit in.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: need advice - 9/24/2008 6:47:59 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

The first thing you have to do when you are poly or at least in an open relationship -- dear, you are if he is openly seeing and playing with others that you are fully aware of and I'm assume consenting to his being with -- is to set up guidelines for what is and is not acceptable.

I think you may feel left out and he needs to take some responsibility to help you get more active yourself.

For example, he could arrange to spend play time with you for half of any party you attend. I'm guessing you and he are the primary relationship so you need to treat it as primary to you both.

You could also go to more events on your own and create your own circle of folks to talk to and perhaps play with.

If you aren't a switch, it's unclear to me from your post if you are, you and he could also arrange to co-top or for you and another to co-top him for a scene at these parties.

I just know if one of my partners went to an event with me and didn't focus on me for at least part of the time, I've be very hurt as well. Your feelings are reasonable but not go beyond that and try to work out an agreement that will benefit you both.

No, your no longer going to events shouldn't be part of that deal. You both need to give a bit and make some changes here to be fairer.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to wildflowers595)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: need advice - 9/24/2008 6:59:00 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

Get in better shape. Take some Pilates. Do this for real. Do interesting things, have stories to tell, and don't shy in telling them. Then see who's more popular...

Take f'n care of yourself. You've let yourself fall apart, and this is what happens. Fix it.

Also, I'm a big enemy of forced abstinence; you lost my sympathy on that one. It's proven that a man uses it or loses it. Perhaps the johnson doesn't fall off, but bad things happen to the male hormone balance, and he does not get as much out of this life as he could. We only have one, and when it's over, that's it. So get as much out of it as you can, and help others do the same.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Profile

Post #: 13