Switches Finding Partners (Full Version)

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Laura -> Switches Finding Partners (8/2/2004 9:17:13 PM)

Hoping for inspiration and ideas. I've been asked to write about Switches finding partners, the difficulties which are particular to us.

My first thought was that it's about the same for everyone. But, then I thought that each time I contact someone (with the idea of getting together) it's really only other Switches that seem to get it. Guys who are sub or Dom seem to expect me to fall into whatever role they choose. As if it's something I plan ahead.

Anyway, I don't want to be one hand clapping. Hope to hear from some of you.

Thanks for any help. :)



SherriA -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (8/2/2004 9:26:11 PM)

The only really "difference" that I can think of is that switches often need to find a partner who understands and accepts that there are other aspects of our personality that need to be expressed. That often means other partners, unless you luck out and find someone who can tap into both aspects of your energy. Partners who can't "share" are a bad choice for me for this reason. I'm not willing to give up a portion of what makes me *me*, and what makes me happy, just because a partner isn't able to deal with the fact that s/he can't meet *all* of my needs.

That's an issue for me regardless of switching though. There are simply so many things that I enjoy that it's unreasonable to expect one person to be willing, interested and competent in all of them. So, even if i was exclusively top or exclusively bottom, I'd likely only be happy with a partner who was comfortable with me playing with others.

Variety is the spice of life and all that, ya know? And I like it spicey!



westside -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (8/9/2004 7:03:01 AM)

Yes. Being a switch is a sub set of a sub set, so the numbers of potential are smaller than vanillias trying to hook up.


Wes



Laura -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (8/9/2004 10:03:45 AM)

I still think I can find someone who isn't a Switch and make it work.

After all, I don't live my life for BDSM. It's much more the other way around. When I talk about vanilla I'm talking about recipes or ice cream. Maybe that's the real reason I'm not finding anyone online. Most people here seem to think they have to fit the rest of their life into BDSM where as I think it has to fit into mine, not become some sort of focus.



SherriA -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (8/9/2004 4:57:03 PM)

I like to say that I have a LIFE, not a LIFESTYLE. I'm more than a collection of kinks. A long term partner would have to be compatible in more ways than just SM interests for the relationship to work. However, a partner with no interest or understanding of the facet of me that does include BDSM wouldn't be a good match either.



Sinergy -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (8/9/2004 5:10:13 PM)

quote:

Yes. Being a switch is a sub set of a sub set, so the numbers of potential are smaller than vanillias trying to hook up.


Also a sub set of the Dom set, so an increased number of potential partners...

quote:

I still think I can find someone who isn't a Switch and make it work.


The issue is not just both being switches, it is having the switch up or down when the partner is down or up.

Having said that, I am sure it will work as well, Laura.

Sinergy



afmvdp -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (8/9/2004 5:53:50 PM)

I've found that most switches are indeed more geared towards one role or the other and on average do have a preferance, and just enjoy a flair of change to be able to switch roles on a dime. I find that far more females play into the switch role then males. Perhaps the idea of power and submission at the same time seems too undeniable.



ShadeDiva -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (8/11/2004 11:00:57 PM)

I'm a switch. My partner, however is not.

Which is a GOOD thing.

Because the reality is - I'm so naturally dominant if my partner switched - he'd have only ONE SHOT - once submissive, that would be it. My dominant side simply would run him over *smile*

I do struggle for power however - I can't seem to help it - I'm always butting heads for the power - I am lucky in that he understands why and encourages me to find someone ELSE to dominate - LOL! Poor fella.

I don't do well with my duality at all - I hope someday to find a balance - though I may never be able to be fully comfy with my duality - only time will tell.

So far open communication, understanding, and compassion have really been key parts to us making it work.

So far, so good, LOL.

~ShadeDiva



pixieunleashed -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (8/14/2004 8:46:59 AM)

I think the most rewarding thing about being a switch is when you have a partner that is not a switch and they decide to switch with you for the first time. I have recently experineced that with a man I very much love. We got together he collared me as his slave, and informed me he was never going to switch EVER. Our relationship grew and changed, the collar came off and we held to each other as equals. Then one wonderful day, we were playing in bed and I slid into topping him and he went with it. Now we have this great relationship where at any given moment either of us can choose to take control or choose to be submissive.

I think if you are with people that care more about you than their "role" everything is possible.

thanks for reading this, have a great day,

pixie



MistressEden -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (8/14/2004 10:45:12 AM)

I don't think that it is a power issue, at least not for me. I do have a very strong personality and most of the time the poeple around look to me to lead. This is in all aspects of my life both inside and outside of BDSM. Having said that I also have a very strong desire to serve a Master, one who can make me lose myself in him. The trouble for me is that I have yet to meet the Master who can marshall the dominate side of my personality without being run over by it. And once I have done that then it has been impossible for me to lose myself in serving him alone without the thoughts of turning the tables on him just popping up here and there.

In answer to Laura, in some ways it is good for me to be with another switch as they do seem to understand both sides of my personality but it is also bad becuase once I have topped them that is way it will always be. I have found a Dom who does understand that I have a need to express the dominate side of my personality and is even encouraging it to a degree, but I will always be serving him even with I am topping another.



wewantu13 -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (8/26/2004 5:31:12 AM)

we are a cpl we like both sides looking for other cpls. to give us some pointers we are new and looking



switchmale -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (9/5/2004 1:43:14 PM)

[solicitation snipped -Mod6]
for as the real switches life is hard because is difficult to find a real switch

Please use the private e-mail feature on the personals side of collarme to solicit for partners. The message boards are for disucssions. Thank you. -Mod6



Laura -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (9/5/2004 7:51:25 PM)

Thank you. But, how often do you make the trip to Ontario? :)



Wynter -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (9/8/2004 12:12:52 PM)

Bear with Me as this is My first post, but I really wanted to throw in My opinion, for whatever it's worth. *smile*
I have found in My relationship a Dominant who understands My needs, and as He calls them "quirks". *chuckle*
One way We've worked around Our issues is by having Me submissive to Him while allowing Me to have play elsewhere in a Dominant role. This way there is little to no friction between Us in who is going to be Topping and when. I find I'm much less resentful of not being in charge, since I can be in charge elsewhere. My Mate is much too Dominant for Me to ever Top Him, while I appreciate that quality, it's also immensely frustrating (as My fellow Dommes can understand I'm sure!)
I hope You find what You are looking for, Laura. I truly believe that when the right One comes along, You will know it, and the issue of "Who's on Top" won't be an issue at all.
Warmest regards, and best wishes to all-
Wynter =)




Laura -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (9/9/2004 5:49:07 PM)

For me who's on top isn't an issue, yet anyway. I don't even think I can put it into words so far. But, men seem to expect to be in charge whether they claim to be sub or not. They want to make all the rules and expect I will scurry along and perform for them. Whether they write to me looking for a sub or a Domme it really makes no difference.



love2bind -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (10/2/2004 9:57:22 AM)

I love switching more than anything and only wish I could find a woman who loevd to do so as well. I like both worlds and is is hard to pick one over the other. If any women out there are seeking a creative Dom and at times a bratty sub where you can mold me how you wish then let's talk. I want to push and be pushed back



roseofsheryn -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (10/7/2004 10:10:50 AM)

I am a Bi Pagan Switch though I came in as a slave. (gotta have the best of ALL worlds) I am leaning more toward the Top side now. I love being a Switch. It is like we get teh yin and the yang not just one side or the other. I have needs from both sides of who I am. Just as a mother can also be a daughter and in different settings steps into the role that fits so do I as a switch.

I used to have a friend that was a Switch where I used to live that was great fun. We at times would wrestle for who was Top for the day/night. It worked pretty well most of the time. There was one time that we both wanted to be top but then it became a test of who was stronger in top role than the other at that particular time(and that would change too).

I think for me though it is all about self discovery and knowing when you need what. I have noticed that there are times I seem tp need one over the other and it seemsed to corrolate with how much I was forced to be in one role or the other in my vanilla life at that time.



ShadeDiva -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (10/11/2004 8:25:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Wynter
One way We've worked around Our issues is by having Me submissive to Him while allowing Me to have play elsewhere in a Dominant role. This way there is little to no friction between Us in who is going to be Topping and when. [/font]

Out of curiousity - have you tried co-topping together yet?

My partner is one of the most amazingly fun people to co-top someone with - though we don't do it often, we really do seem to gather a hell of a lot of energy when we have done so.

We had those ladies HOPPING! *grin*

I don't think we'd do it long term, but we've done it several times with some couples we are friends with, here and there (we even were flown out as reciporcal birthday gifts from one couple to another - we were friends with both coupes separately and they found each other in the local scene near them, and realized they had us as mutual friends- and boy did they get their spankings lol - both of the gentlemen are dominant, but the wives were submissive, I suppose after the first one was given a scene with us as a gift she just hadda return the *favor/revenge* to the other lady lol), and it is a blast.

~ShadeDiva



Suleiman -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (10/12/2004 3:29:19 AM)

Well, like anything else in your sexual life, it's kind of a matter of priorities, isn't it? If you are extremely switchy (prone to go from one mode to the other on a frequent basis) and also extremely monogamous, then you're gonna need a switch partner or else you're gonna be frustrated and unhappy. The same thing applies to any need. If your partner dosen't do everything you need to be done, you either gotta prioritize the needs and figure if you can live without it, or else you gotta find another partner who fills in the blank spots.

It can be really difficult. I frequently wind up comparing switch with bisexuality, largely because I know a lot of bi folks and I know a lot of folks who know bi folks, so it's an easy analogy to understand. People are more open minded about being bi than they were, even ten or fifteen years ago. Even so, you get the HNGs and their RL counterparts who think, as one friend succinctly put it "Bi means you want to do it with them and another girl". You also get the folks who think you're just confused and going through a phase - so they try to help you along by converting you to their "side". Just so, in the leather community, there are folks who think that being a switch means you want to sub for them while you top their lover, and you get the folks who say that you're a pushy bottom who needs to learn their place, or that you're too domly to be a sub and should give up and just call yourself a dom.

There are also folks who say I should stay out of the kitchen and leave the cooking to the missus. Hah! As if I'd let her near my pots and pans!

Ambiguity seems to be a little threatening to a lot of people, and there is a basic human need to pigeonhole anything that is unfamilliar. There's straight folks who'll ask a gay couple "which one is the man?" and there's folks who see a woman in the office and ask her to fetch a cup of coffee. These attitudes are slowly diminishing (not quickly enough, but they are), but the underlying instinct remains. We run into the same basic issues as switches, because some folks are unfamiliar with the idea or are uncomfortable with the ambiguity that it represents. It makes finding a decent relationship fairly difficult, since (IMHO) all relationships revolve around a certian level of roleplay, and a switch is a person who changes roles - some times during the first act while everyone is still on stage.



Laura -> RE: Switches Finding Partners (10/14/2004 8:39:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: pixieunleashed

I think if you are with people that care more about you than their "role" everything is possible.

pixie


I think that's very true. A role is just a role. A couple is two people.



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