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A Few questions - 10/10/2008 5:51:33 AM

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A few questions, and yeah some flat out whineing.

Sir Stephen decided it was time for me to have my insignia branded on to my left arm. We got about half way through it when I had a panic attck and we had to stop. I've offcially pissed myself off. Sir Stephens Angel's are supposed to be hardcore bitches. I passed out on him last scene and bitched out on this one. What am I doing wrong? Maybe my headspace just wasent right this go round. I dont know, Anyone else ever had this happen to them? Ive NEVER had a panic attack before during a scene. Im usually gung ho and ready to be his nasty bitch. His Nasty Bitch, the girl who takes his boot to her back or neck with pride and alot of good old fashioned lust. I feel like I failed Him. Even though at the time he said "your my girl, you dident fail, you wanted to go through with it, It was my choice to stop the scene". Who am I to not take Him at his word and still be mad at myself? And even when I know this I still feel shitty about it. I dont know what Im doing right now, I just want to feel better.

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RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 6:21:47 AM

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My boy and I have have been together for 15 years and there are times when play just does not work for us. There is no reason other then it's just not working (wrong head space on either side, a bad day, too much looking forward to it, etc), hey it happens don't beat yourself up and listen to your Master he said you did not fail and that is all that matters.

Mike

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 6:27:55 AM

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Like a lot of us have a tendency to do, you're being too hard on yourself. He is absolutely right - it was HIS choice to stop. Your time will come to shine again. Ask yourself this: How would he feel about you sitting and moping about it? Wouldn't he rather have you go back to being a hardcore bitch? Wouldn't you rather be that?

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RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 6:37:32 AM

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You are being to hard on yourself. As women with hormones that fluctuates sometimes we are more sensitive than others. I can tell you some months when I am premenstrual a touch caan make my skin crawl and my nipples are even more sensitive than normal. Listen to your body and give it what it needs at the moment. That way you will always be honoring yourself and your Dominant.

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RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 7:06:25 AM

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A little bit of guilt is fine, but don't overdo it. We all have our fragile days.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 8:03:51 AM

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Of course, if a dominant were to make this post, 80% of the doms on this board would be suggesting that maybe he isn't actually a dominant and should just give it all up. How fascinating.

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RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 9:10:56 AM

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From: Apple County NY
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Does he want you to be a hardcore bitch at all times and never let him know when things aren't working for you? Has he told you to pretend until you can't take it anymore and then walk out telling him he never was sensitive enough?

It seems to me that the hardcore bitch persona was one you put up to protect yourself emotionally. And that you have become secure enough now with him to show him the true you. And the real self, the one we hide, is one that can't do everything.

Beyond that, neither of us wants stuff to have to end in the middle with me trying to force myself through it while knowing all the time I'm getting ready to lose it. So I'm supposed to tell him if something's wrong before we start, and if I know what it is, to tell him that. Which can be as simple as not having had enough sleep or not having eaten in 12 hours or I'm starting a cold. We prefer to try to identify the problem and address it before I melt down, if possible. However sometimes I am blindsided by things and he handles that.

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RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 9:15:40 AM

Rover

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There have been times when I've had to make some observation that my partner is punishing herself, along with a reminder that punishment is my responsibility (ie: I can't be your Master if you're going to be your Master... let me do my job).

And there have also been times when I've given some trivial punishment in order to help her feel that she's made some sort of attonement to me.

John

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(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 12:16:10 PM

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If I believe you for your word-you fainted and now this 'guy' is chastizing you for it???!!!
A panic attack is PHYSIOLOGICIAL. It is a medical condition. If this 'guy' (I will not use the word Dom or Master to describe someone so clueless) doesn't understand this, then he needs to be arrested and charged with abuse!
LEAVE this clueless abuser TODAY!

PS: The fact that you keep having panic attacks every time he wants to do something should be a HUGE red flag for you!

< Message edited by masterforRT -- 10/10/2008 12:19:01 PM >

(in reply to Rover)

RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 12:28:23 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: masterforRT

If I believe you for your word-you fainted and now this 'guy' is chastizing you for it???!!!
A panic attack is PHYSIOLOGICIAL. It is a medical condition. If this 'guy' (I will not use the word Dom or Master to describe someone so clueless) doesn't understand this, then he needs to be arrested and charged with abuse!
LEAVE this clueless abuser TODAY!

PS: The fact that you keep having panic attacks every time he wants to do something should be a HUGE red flag for you!

Did you read any portion of her post at all?

_____________________________

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I know that I'm to blame."
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(in reply to masterforRT)

RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 12:34:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

I dont know what Im doing right now, I just want to feel better.

There are so many variables that could have contributed to the unexpected panic attack. On top of the fact that it sounds like you psyched yourself out (stress can have an impact even if it's not negative/melancholy in nature), how nourished you were throughout the day prior to the scene, temperature of the room, amount of pre-act time that would have led to building anxiousness, level of hydration, amount of ventilation in the room, amount of experience you have specifically with branding...all could have played a factor.

Feeling like you failed him is a fair reaction...but if failing him truly disturbs you, keep your self-criticism balanced with honoring and yielding to his word (that it's okay)...otherwise you're only essentially failing him once more.

I'd say the best way to work through this is to have some quiet chat-time with him where you both iron out (no pun intended!) a time to attempt again. You're in a limbo right now where the act is still incomplete...and you're feeling incomplete with it. Getting around to completing it will be the best step to total closure of the incident.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 10/10/2008 12:35:50 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 4:35:30 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: masterforRT

If I believe you for your word-you fainted and now this 'guy' is chastizing you for it???!!!
A panic attack is PHYSIOLOGICIAL. It is a medical condition. If this 'guy' (I will not use the word Dom or Master to describe someone so clueless) doesn't understand this, then he needs to be arrested and charged with abuse!
LEAVE this clueless abuser TODAY!

PS: The fact that you keep having panic attacks every time he wants to do something should be a HUGE red flag for you!

He dident chastise me for passing out, he dident chastise me for having a panic attack, I am chastiseing MYSELF for it. And I've only had a panic attack once. I fainted when I dropped during the scene, for the sheer fact im hypo glycemic and dident have my levels up like I should have. Neither of the things that happened were anything done by him directly. So before you pull crap like this, READ my posts. Really, now you've upset me, Im not going to get into an argument about this, but for you own sake, read before you make these statements! We are public players thank you, and this is ALMOST defimation of charicture, and done by YOUR mistake. so please. read my posts first.

and im done with that. back to your regularly scedualed thread.

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(in reply to masterforRT)

RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 4:38:52 PM

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NihilusZero, I always appreciate your posts. you've given me something to think about. thanks for that darling.

as for the rest of you forgive me if i dont put everyones names.

As for the hardcore bitch thing being a cover for my emotions. that may be. I never really thought about it.

thanks for the kind words from the rest of you. As for my hormone fluctuations, anythings possible right? dosent seem like the right time in my cycle for it to happen but you never know.

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Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 9:05:47 PM

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Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey
Who am I to not take Him at his word and still be mad at myself?

Are you human? Yeah? Well, we're not designed to be perfect. Shit happens. If he's not torqued off about it, you need to give yourself a lil bit of a break.

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(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 9:07:17 PM

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Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
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quote:

ORIGINAL: masterforRT

If I believe you for your word-you fainted and now this 'guy' is chastizing you for it???!!!
A panic attack is PHYSIOLOGICIAL. It is a medical condition. If this 'guy' (I will not use the word Dom or Master to describe someone so clueless) doesn't understand this, then he needs to be arrested and charged with abuse!
LEAVE this clueless abuser TODAY!

PS: The fact that you keep having panic attacks every time he wants to do something should be a HUGE red flag for you!

What, exactly, were you reading? Cuz it certainly wasn't what she posted.

_____________________________

normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to masterforRT)

RE: A Few questions - 10/10/2008 11:46:38 PM

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Alright, alright I read it wrong! Jeez, I'm sure that YOU'VE never made ANY mistakes...RIGHT???

Fact is, the answer I gave is mostly correct! A panic attack is a condition caused by fight or flight. It's physiological. You can't 'stop' one even if you wanted to! Something in your mind (concious or subconcious) is triggering the attacks. If one of them was bad enough to cause you to faint, then you need to talk to a counselor about it. They'l likely tell you to remove yourself from what's causing the attacks-ie: your Dom.

If your Dom understands (and shows concern/wants to help) then that's a good thing-and I was wrong to criticize him.. If he doesn't, then what I said above concerning him above is 100% justified!

Putting it simply: there's something about what he wants you to do (or you want to do for him-same difference) that scares you to death. I surely don't know what that might be-and you might not either-yet in undeniably exists. Talk to a counselor about it.

< Message edited by masterforRT -- 10/10/2008 11:47:23 PM >

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Few questions - 10/11/2008 1:27:29 PM

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From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

Sir Stephen decided it was time for me to have my insignia branded on to my left arm. We got about half way through it when I had a panic attck and we had to stop. I've offcially pissed myself off. Sir Stephens Angel's are supposed to be hardcore bitches. I passed out on him last scene and bitched out on this one. What am I doing wrong? Maybe my headspace just wasent right this go round. I dont know, Anyone else ever had this happen to them? Ive NEVER had a panic attack before during a scene. Im usually gung ho and ready to be his nasty bitch. His Nasty Bitch, the girl who takes his boot to her back or neck with pride and alot of good old fashioned lust. I feel like I failed Him. Even though at the time he said "your my girl, you dident fail, you wanted to go through with it, It was my choice to stop the scene". Who am I to not take Him at his word and still be mad at myself? And even when I know this I still feel shitty about it. I dont know what Im doing right now, I just want to feel better.

So where's the part where you did "wrong"?

You took a scene in a different direction than planned. He worked with it. This has led to several things:

1) You are starting to show cracks in your current emotional state. This means you're reaching a threshold where he will have the opportunity to dismantle and re-build this emotional state. I don't know about him, but I would relish the opportunity to do that far, far more than the opportunity to burn a symbol into someone's arm. After all, the symbol-branding can happen at any time; but true opportunities to guide someone's emotional transformation come a few times in a lifetime.

2) You are both off-script, and therefore improvising. This is where such people shine.

3) You stopped playing the persona of the Gung-Ho Nasty Bitch and actually showed him a glimmer of personality that he may not have seen before. Now he gets to explore this personality facet and decide what to do with it (refer back to point 1, above).

At what point was anything that you did a bad thing, again?

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Few questions - 10/13/2008 3:12:45 AM

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just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their advice, I'll keep you updated on whats going on.

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(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: A Few questions - 10/13/2008 12:22:30 PM

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Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their advice, I'll keep you updated on whats going on.

*waves*

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Few questions - 10/13/2008 4:32:07 PM

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Give yourself a break, no one is perfect.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

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