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Changing the way you view someone... - 10/16/2008 6:06:40 AM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

Hi there everyone.

Basically I have a question in relation to changing the way someone is viewed once a dynamic has already been set in place, changing the dynamic as it were.

I have been a lifestyle submissive with switch tendencies all my adult life and have not really had what could be called a vanilla relationship. I always thought there was no way i could do vanilla and it wouldnt work - if for no other reason than the fact that I need control and also that I am highly masochistic to the point where it is "need" rather than "want".

I met a man that thought the world of me, was kind, loving, fair, honest, dedicated and shared the same goals, needs and life plan that i did (eventual kids, home, family etc) the only thing that was missing is that he wasnt a "Dom" although i could definatly see something in there he denied it through and through.

I'm not sure why but i decided to give it a shot, Dom or no and i am so glad he did and things have started to change. Initially he was most insistant that all that wasnt for him, he had the pre-concieved notions of Doms and subs, the one where the subs are all poor, subjugated, cowed and beaten woman forced to do things against their will and he didnt have any understanding of how one could be rough/violent with their partner and still love and care for them.

So at the start it was an utter no - I had explained about my masochism and he was happy for me to play non sexually at parties etc just didnt want to do it himself, he would attend events with me, meet my friends but no interest himself. Thing is the more this went on the more it started to change, things started to creep out, admissions as it were. First he told me after a few drinks of some fetishes he had and was so surprised when i didnt turn away in disgust (clothing fetishes) his previous wife had been very very anti it all and used a lot against him eventually and so he had the idea that his wants and desires were somehow dirty or tarnished.

More and more started creeping out, at first just sexual things, like that he DID have theu rge to hurl a woman to her knees and ram himself into her mouth but was ashamed of these desires, so slowly through talking, acceptance, meeting people he started to loose the guilt and more and more came to the surfice.

So now we're at the poiint where he is happy with the fact he's sexually Dominant and he's beginging to accept he has a sadistic streak too especially after watching how i react when playing with people, he's also starting to come around to the fact he does have desires for life control and that his natural Dominance is starting to extend, he realises now that a firm hand can be coupled with love and also that service doesnt mean a woman is subjugated - in a nutshell he now understands that BDSM does not = abuse.

So my question is this - Up until now I have viewed him as my partner and fiance but NOT as my Dom, He's a great guy but we don't have that D/s dynamic as up until now it hasnt been desired on his side. When the relationship started he made it very clear that he wasnt my Master, had no desire to be my Master and never would be. Now the goal posts have changed.

I am interested to hear people oppinions on how i can change my thinking, i don't think I can do an overnight switch from vanilla fiance with a lil kinky sex to Dominant that i defer to however I do want the relationship to move in that direction if that is what he desires which he has so far said he thinks he does and can see it happening.

How do i stop viewing him as i do and start viewing him as a Dominant man who i belong to, how do i undo the dynamic that was very clearly defined at the offset and replace it with something esle. I think that part of the problem is that he was SO very adamant we would never go down that route that my brain slammed the idea away (so i didnt end up wanting something I couldnt have)

Now we are going down that route and I want to make it as easy and smooth as possible and to be able to adjust my thinking.

I will take all suggestions on board, I've never been in this situation before it's always been a very clear D/s or M/s dynamic from the offset, i've never had to look to change how i view someone when the relationship is already established.

dia xx

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RE: Changing the way you view someone... - 10/16/2008 6:48:11 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

Hello Dia,

My suggestion would be to sort of jump into it first with a discussion - the goal posts have moved and he is over there as a budding Dom and you are still back where you both started. Sounds from your post like he is a good person and that you are interested in becoming his sub.

Time for you to move closer to where he is. Tell him this, express your concerns, your fears, and your desires or hopes for what might be. Don't be surprised if he also has them. Set some foundation for this dynamic change in your brains and in your hearts through discussion.

Then you both have to sort of jump in and try it out. Start small, and you both will have to define what that -small- will be - perhaps an evening where his goal is to be dominant and your goal is to be submissive, perhaps you jump right in with a play session, perhaps it is small tasks that he begins giving you - you all can chart that course as you know yourselves and each other.

And I suggest getting him out here to CM! If he is new and wants to learn a bit, these forums are a great place to start and begin to feel comfortable with new ways of being.

Good luck and I know others will come in with amazing advice!

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to amaidiamond)

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RE: Changing the way you view someone... - 10/16/2008 8:02:27 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Now we are going down that route and I want to make it as easy and smooth as possible and to be able to adjust my thinking.

Seems like you're doing fine... one step at a time. My wife and I face this... sort of. We do not take the view that we are trying to replace our husband/wife relationship with a master/slave one. Rather, we are adding a new relationship to the mix without sacrificing any of the older ones. We are still husband/wife, friends, confidants, etc. Still though, it takes some time. Our answer has simply been to let it take that time. We are not in any rush, there's no prize for finishing first. She and I both are committed to the goal and so we progress... some weeks faster, others slower. As you two reinforce this new pattern in each other, your thinking will naturally adjust along with it.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Changing the way you view someone... - 10/16/2008 8:55:42 AM

bound4more

Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

Patience - it all takes time. Let it flow instead of insisting it be anything in particular. You can already see that your fiancee is interested in the kind of relationship you desire. I think talking about how you feel, what your original arrangement was and how it's changed, is a good start. I don't know about you, but I can often have this notion that I'm supposed to figure everything out all by myself, no questions asked - just know. One of the most important skills I've learned, and am still learning, is communication - respectful, open communication about my feelings, ideas etc.

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You can tell who someone really is by how they act

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RE: Changing the way you view someone... - 10/16/2008 9:36:32 AM

CookieSlave

Posts: 74
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

Yeah, what leadership said...

Who says you have to *replace* one dynamic with another? You're really just adding an additional facet to the mix..

--cs

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RE: Changing the way you view someone... - 10/16/2008 10:06:14 AM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

Thank you all so much for the advice.

I think some very valid ideas and points have been raised here - i think one of the things i will do is direct him to this thread. Otterswim i loved the idea about trying the roles for an evening, I think that would help us see each other differently - I am also planning to introduce him to collar me - at the moment he has no net connection however at the start of November he is going to move in so he will have.

He is an amazing man - I never dreamed that it would work out so well and his wanting to join this lifestyle is more than i could have hoped for. :) I am very glad i took the gamble and want things to be as smooth as possible.

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