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RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/15/2005 5:17:50 PM

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While it is highly possible he could be Fastlane's live in gay lover, there are some other possibilities.

He is self conscious about living in a small home or a home in a bad part of town, etc.
He is a dreadful housekeeper and embarassed to have you see his home.
He is filthy rich and doesn't want you know, lest you may be a gold digging wench.
He wants to be sure you are not a psycho bitch prone to popping in announced before revealing where he lives.
Inviting someone to your home can be an intimate thing, and he wants to keep your relationship on the "blow me in my car" level.

I rarely invite people to my home for combination of reasons.

The phone calls are a little bit harder to explain though.

(in reply to windy135)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/15/2005 5:37:25 PM

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Coolio...........

Do you have a car?

L:O:L

Ron

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(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/15/2005 6:23:49 PM

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ROTFL--but did you get My message about My thoughts?? smiles

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RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/15/2005 7:38:01 PM

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He sounds married to me...

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RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 1:46:01 AM

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Sensualips has articulated my first thoughts. As these all resemble people I know.

Could be a very bad housekeeper. I know I can't be bothered cleaning the house some months, make that years.

Could be emotionally scarred due to previous psycho encounters.

Doesn't want you to see his Star Trek memorabilia collection, complete with life size Shatner carboard cutout.

Could be living in someones garage or sleeping on their couch due to a messy divorce.

Could be 'separated' but living in same house.

Could have roommates, or live with his parents.

Could live interstate.

Could just like the excitement of the forbidden, his fantasies might be towards a mistress rather than girlfriend.

Equivalent of a social smoker, if it doesn't happen at home it doesn't happen.

Could believe that the difference between a serious relationship and a non-serious relationship is taking her home.

The main point is he needs to give you a good reason. There are many reasons people can act or seem to act suspicious, including embarrassment.

(in reply to Dracironsgirl)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 3:11:25 AM

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sounds like a red signal for a married man to me

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RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 3:51:44 AM

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quote:

Could be 'separated' but living in same house.

What a winner.

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RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 5:35:50 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Pimpernell

Could be <snip>

Could be <snip>

Could be...he's out on a day pass, from the halfway house, while still on parole!

Could be...he's just a loser, with no respect for himself, or others.

I'm thinkin' it's the latter.

If a man is safe enough for me to entertain the thought of enjoying a scene...then he's welcome in my home....as I should be in his.

K

(in reply to Pimpernell)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 7:08:53 AM

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quote:

If a man is safe enough for me to entertain the thought of enjoying a scene...then he's welcome in my home

Not me. When I think about a scene, I judge my comfort level based on the setting, what type of scene, my experience with this person, etc. I might publically scene with someone I don't know much about, if a play partner I do know and trust approves it and is there to oversee it. Who I might let use a TENS unit on me is a different circumstance than who I might share an intense play rape scene which is different from who I am comfortable doing CBT on.

My home is my home. That is an entirely different comfort level. For me, it is inviting this person into my "real life" -- the life where my unmentionables live, where there is unfolded laundry on the bed, where my mother could possibly drop by unannounced, and where I might cook for him/her in my kitchen. It is a different trust level because I am not only making a choice for my physical and emotional safety, but that of my unmentionables. It is not that I fear someone will break into my home and stab us all in our sleep. My concerns are far more mild, but things that are important to me.

It is perfectly okay if others do not feel the same.

< Message edited by Sensualips -- 12/16/2005 7:09:48 AM >

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 7:45:31 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windy135

Ok I met a Dom and we talk every once in a while. We have met and even played around a bit. My question is when we play it's either in one of our cars or in a hotel. I don't know too much about his personal life. He owns a house has no pets I know where he works and such. Another weird thing I only hear from him on days he works? Never on a day he doesn't work. I do not want a serious relationship with this Dom but I don't want to be a girl he plays with if he has a wife at home or something!! I have offered my house once but it didn't work out, I have roommates. So why do you think he is behaving this way? Looking for everyones perspecitve. Oh and he told me he is single... ???

the obvious seems likely.... BUT... the big thing to me... is I don't play with someone that I don't know... and if you don't know were they live or haven't been at their place... do you really know them? Can you call him at his home number? have you even been in his house... just seems that you allowing yourself to be blinded by your own needs and wants of the moment.... but when you start to look beyond the moment... and into the future... well suddenly other factors come to play. If you wish to only consider the moment ... well that is your choice and you have to accept that responsibility... if you want more... well you have to make the choices that will get you more!

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(in reply to windy135)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 11:01:25 AM

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Forgive me for taking this off topic from the OP's concerns about marriage. It seems highly possible that he is married, or at least there is soemthing he is concealing.

I am not sure how visiting someone's home equates "knowing" them. That seems like an artificial or random measure of familiarity. Overall I think too much emphasis is being placed on this. There are many other ways to examine the depth of a relationship or to determine the openness/honesty of a person.

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RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 11:58:48 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

Forgive me for taking this off topic from the OP's concerns about marriage. It seems highly possible that he is married, or at least there is soemthing he is concealing.

I am not sure how visiting someone's home equates "knowing" them. That seems like an artificial or random measure of familiarity. Overall I think too much emphasis is being placed on this. There are many other ways to examine the depth of a relationship or to determine the openness/honesty of a person.

seeing some one in their home environment is signficantly different than seeing them at the hotel. Just as knowing them at work is much different that the person outside of work. If a person plans to spend a life time with them... then knowing them in their home environment is great importance... since this is the environment your going to spend a great majority of your time in... however, if ones relationship goals are different... then home life is not of concern.

secondly, I don't equate visting someone's home as knowing them... but I do equate not visting them is that you don't know a signficant part of the person. We spend a great majority of our time in our home. How we care for it. how we behave in that environment says alot. History of a person can be viewed in home.. as well as ones vision of future. Interests can be seen by what's around the house as compared to hear just words from a person's mouth. when some one tells me that family is important to them... and they home has alot of pictures of family ... I see validation to their words, ... it is a small example and more could be in it or less depending on any given situation. Being in a person's home is a significant step in getting to know some one... it is indeed a step of trust as well. I can appreciate why one doesn't immediately offer or show another person their home... but I am highly suspect when such a avenue is closed, A huge red flag for me. In the situation of the OP I see a concern... but what she shares is not sufficient to call it a flag or not... but she needs to ask herself some questions about such a person.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 12:36:24 PM

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I have a young unmentionable at home and my mother moved in with me, not really condusive to playing at my house so we get a hotel room, but he has been to my house and met mother and said unmentionable, knows I am 100% honest but that play time at home is awkward... Anything can be worked around so long as you know he is telling you the straight dope and you can't shake the feeling that you aren't getting it from this guy- perception is reality- if he is giving you the perception that he is lying then it might as well be the truth of it- you'll never be able to trust him so move on- So long as you aren't the type that is always super suspicious and has trust issues with everyone I'd chalk it up to wrong fit and not feel bad at all.

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RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 2:24:57 PM

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quote:

If a person plans to spend a life time with them... then knowing them in their home environment is great importance... since this is the environment your going to spend a great majority of your time in... however, if ones relationship goals are different... then home life is not of concern.

secondly, I don't equate visting someone's home as knowing them... but I do equate not visting them is that you don't know a signficant part of the person.

Being in a person's home is a significant step in getting to know some one... it is indeed a step of trust as well. I can appreciate why one doesn't immediately offer or show another person their home... but I am highly suspect when such a avenue is closed

I think we are basically in agreement here. As I stated, inviting someone into my home is inviting them into a more intimate aspect of my life. A person chooses to do that at different times or stages in a relationship, or perhaps not at all. I just don't automatically
exclude someone from a potential casual relationship based on if that has occurred.

Perhaps what makes me uneasy is simply that I would not allow myself to be pressured to invite someone into my home to prove I was serious or trustworthy or anything else.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 3:18:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

quote:

If a person plans to spend a life time with them... then knowing them in their home environment is great importance... since this is the environment your going to spend a great majority of your time in... however, if ones relationship goals are different... then home life is not of concern.

secondly, I don't equate visting someone's home as knowing them... but I do equate not visting them is that you don't know a signficant part of the person.

Being in a person's home is a significant step in getting to know some one... it is indeed a step of trust as well. I can appreciate why one doesn't immediately offer or show another person their home... but I am highly suspect when such a avenue is closed

I think we are basically in agreement here. As I stated, inviting someone into my home is inviting them into a more intimate aspect of my life. A person chooses to do that at different times or stages in a relationship, or perhaps not at all. I just don't automatically
exclude someone from a potential casual relationship based on if that has occurred.

Perhaps what makes me uneasy is simply that I would not allow myself to be pressured to invite someone into my home to prove I was serious or trustworthy or anything else.

I think key word is "pressured" or in words stress... there is good stress and bad sress.... I find that mostly when people are just becoming acquinted there is no place for stress/pressure... I prefer rather enjoyable and at easy situation and let it occur and not force the issue.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 3:29:07 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips
<snip>
I just don't automatically
exclude someone from a potential casual relationship based on if that has occurred.

Perhaps what makes me uneasy is simply that I would not allow myself to be pressured to invite someone into my home to prove I was serious or trustworthy or anything else.

Ah....there's the difference, between us

, Sensualips, is that I'm not much into "casual," or "just play" encounters. Club play is one thing, and is quite fun

, but if I'm going to "meet" a man for intimate fun (as I'm also seeking a LTR), then I must have some level of trust in him, right? And him in me too. If I didn't have that, I wouldn't consider having him in my home, and wouldn't expect him to invite me to his home either. I also wouldn't "scene" with him...except maybe at the club, in public, with plenty of others around.

I've actually had men invite themselves to my home, several minutes after meeting me, by offering all sorts of things. This to me shows that THEY are very unsafe (and willing to go with "any" woman), and really aren't worth my time. And yes, all but one has been married.

I also have the fortunate ability to be "out," and open, in my own home.

If someone clearly states they are single, and never mention those "unmentionables"...then, if they are trusted enough to "scene" with OP, why wouldn't this Dom allow her into his home? If he gave a "reason" then perhaps it would be more understandable, but as the OP presented it, it's quite suspicious. I guess I REALLY have issue with playing in the car too. (I haven't played in a car since I was maybe 10.)

As you said Sensualips...he's probably married...we surely can agree on that!

K

PS KnightofMists, I'm enjoying reading your POV on the topic...as well as everyone else's.

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 3:35:33 PM

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Yes and the house thing was one of the reason's I questioned what was going on, but it wasn't the only thing. The fact that I only heard from him when he was at work. He works with computers and he told me he didn't own a computer at home???? Fishy.. who doesn't own a computer. He told me that it was because he works with them and thats enough.. I know what some people must be thinking about me.. "why would I meet a guy like this" But we met for coffee talked and we both wanted to try some things. He always looked out for my best interest when we played. I just think he's married is all. I don't have a problem inviting people to my house once I've met them. Maybe I'm to nice or naive? But my stupidness has stopped and I ended things.. go me.. thanks for the input everyone

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RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 3:45:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan

is that I'm not much into "casual," or "just play" encounters. Club play is one thing, and is quite fun ,

I would say we are similiar in this regard.

quote:

I guess I REALLY have issue with playing in the car too. (I haven't played in a car since I was maybe 10.)

mmmmmmmmmm I did a car scene not to long ago..... I picked kyra up from the airport with alandra. As alandra drove... well I did also sort of unspeakable things in the back of the van with kyra. It was fun *G*

quote:

PS KnightofMists, I'm enjoying reading your POV on the topic...as well as everyone else's.

Thank you

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(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 3:47:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windy135
But we met for coffee talked and we both wanted to try some things. He always looked out for my best interest when we played. I just think he's married is all. I don't have a problem inviting people to my house once I've met them. Maybe I'm to nice or naive? But my stupidness has stopped and I ended things.. go me..

Nope, Windy...you sound pretty smart, based on how you've handled this situation!

Heck...you're pretty brave too...to bring it to this forum in the first place. It's a hard thing to open up like this...no matter who you are, and let others in.

Yes, Go YOU!!!!

K

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RE: What is this Doms deal? - 12/16/2005 4:46:29 PM

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quote:

I don't know how a woman could do that to someones wife. I just think, imagine if that was my sister or close friend. No way! I do feel a little blue though and I'm not sure why.. sigh*

windy

Some lies encourage hope; intimacy; trust; and when discovered, it's like a theaf in the night, stealing our dreams.

candystripper

(in reply to windy135)

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