Confused, need advice. (Full Version)

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lilmisssubmiss -> Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:21:23 PM)

I met this guy on here he lives in my city we tried getting together once it just didn't happen. I found out later it's because he wanted us to meet on his terms...since he's the dom. Which i get, but the only reason why i pushed for meeting is because...well i don't want to waste our time.
So on his terms we are trying again....he wont even phone because he wants to wait to do that till he wants to do that since he's the dom...which i get that's fine....but yet he wants me to undress in front of webcam...and masterbate for him.. so i "show my submission to him".
I refuse to do that to every guy ....i mean if i was claimed as his ....i wouldn't mind undressing doing all that...but i'm not. I understand proving myself if he gives me a bit in return like idk...meeting up...get on the phone.
I finally drew the line when he wanted me to masterbate in front of cam for him i was like i feel like you are using me i have to have some sort of foundation with a guy isntead of a text mesg when to get on when youre horny so you can see me masterbate...and he goes ok i understand we need to take things slower.
No....not take things slower... maybe with the sexual stuff...but take things faster with getting to know eachother...IRL not just  over IM.
Is what i'm feeling dumb? should i give myself full out to this guy before we meet...before we talk on the phone? To me...there are other ways of showing I can submit to him other than getting naked and sexual things. I mean i know he's the dom and I'm the sub...but in every relationship both people have to be doing something why am i the only one doing?

Am i in the wrong? And if so...how do i tell him what i'm feeling..does this even make sense?

-And believe me, i'm willing to give myself full out to someone whatever he desires,...but i need to have a foundation first in this case since he lives in my area meet up first talk on the phone frist...get to know eachother first. I just need those couple of things before i go full out.



KatyLied -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:24:51 PM)

It sounds like he wants to get off, and he almost has you complying.



lilmisssubmiss -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:26:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

It sounds like he wants to get off, and he almost has you complying.


Ya,.but i don't think he's lying about wanting to meet up eventually though...he just wants to do it on his terms but i don't think he understands the importance of meeting up before doing this stuff...idk i don't fucking know.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:30:47 PM)

Nobody here can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Honestly, I think you already -know- where you're at with this. You've already expressed your discomfort, and what your specifications are for your own behavior in a relationship. While you can't decide what someone else's actions "should" be, you -can- decide whether or not a situation meets your criteria for 'working' for you.

One thing I'd say is that it sounds like some of what is tangling you up is over a common issue of "if I let go of this, maybe I'm giving up my only chance." Believe me, this won't be your only chance to experience things, and if you're uncomfortable and there's no resolution in sight, only you can decide whether it's worth giving over more of yourself to a currently-dissatisfying situation. I wouldn't, but that's just me. I'm sort of picky, and more than willing to do without rather than taking on something that just doesn't work for me.



happypervert -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:31:36 PM)

Sounds like he's an on-line wanker who has no intention of meeting. After all, it would be a lot more fun to meet you and then  watch you in person, or play these games after using you in person, eh?



lilmisssubmiss -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:34:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

Nobody here can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Honestly, I think you already -know- where you're at with this. You've already expressed your discomfort, and what your specifications are for your own behavior in a relationship. While you can't decide what someone else's actions "should" be, you -can- decide whether or not a situation meets your criteria for 'working' for you.

One thing I'd say is that it sounds like some of what is tangling you up is over a common issue of "if I let go of this, maybe I'm giving up my only chance." Believe me, this won't be your only chance to experience things, and if you're uncomfortable and there's no resolution in sight, only you can decide whether it's worth giving over more of yourself to a currently-dissatisfying situation. I wouldn't, but that's just me. I'm sort of picky, and more than willing to do without rather than taking on something that just doesn't work for me.

That's true and those are my only expectations and he refuses to give them to me....so maybe i should just stop trying. Like you said...there will be other guys.



CalifChick -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:34:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss
but i don't think he's lying about wanting to meet up eventually though...he just wants to do it on his terms



That's the line he's giving you so that you'll give him a show.  Personally, I think he has no intention of ever meeting you.

Cali



lilmisssubmiss -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:35:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss
but i don't think he's lying about wanting to meet up eventually though...he just wants to do it on his terms



That's the line he's giving you so that you'll give him a show.  Personally, I think he has no intention of ever meeting you.

Cali




ok thanks, that's what i'm thinking more and more...bummer.



KatyLied -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:36:44 PM)

quote:

Like you said...there will be other guys.


Will be?  There are tons of them, everywhere.  It's your job to weed out the wankers and dismiss them promptly.  Unless of course, you wanna give them a little tease before you hit the delete.



laura2161 -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:37:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss
but i don't think he's lying about wanting to meet up eventually though...he just wants to do it on his terms



That's the line he's giving you so that you'll give him a show.  Personally, I think he has no intention of ever meeting you.

Cali



I have nothing else to say except that I agree completely.



lilmisssubmiss -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:38:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

Like you said...there will be other guys.


Will be?  There are tons of them, everywhere.  It's your job to weed out the wankers and dismiss them promptly.  Unless of course, you wanna give them a little tease before you hit the delete.



I just would feel bad...i mean i think for some reason he does want to meet irl...just under his terms since he's the dom...but i just don't get why if he wants all this stuff he is putting off meeting for so long? If he wants all this wouldnt he want us to meet asap so we can get goin with knowing eachother?



KatyLied -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:39:29 PM)

You would feel bad over dismissing a probable wanker?  If he wants to meet you he will listen to what you have to say.  Just because he's the dom it doesn't mean that you don't get a say in things.  Especially something as important as a first meet.



lilmisssubmiss -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:42:40 PM)

Ok, thanks i will say that to him.



CalifChick -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:43:23 PM)

Look, you're 18 years old, you have a beautiful, sexy pic that shows the promise of seeing oh-so-much-more.  He is either a kid, or living in mommy's basement, or an old geezer, or married, or has no social skills, or no teeth, or... you get the picture. 

If he was who he says he is, then he would be falling all over himself to meet you on ANY TERMS.


Cali



KatyLied -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:44:02 PM)

His kink may be having young women cam for him.



YourhandMyAss -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:44:52 PM)

 In that instance he comes off as a wanker.

Sure he may be legit, but I wouldn't loose any sleep over refusing him and telling him where he can stick his idea's of how to display submission and run the risk that he really was serious and not a wanker.

To me any one who demands shows of submission before you've even met or decided there's anything there to be a reason to show submission to him, are just out there to see what they can get and who they can get it from.

And second of all,  If they want to drag their feet forever and ever and you want to meet with in a reasonable amount of time, you are free to tell them you're not compatible you won't be considering them.

And third of all, I know that I am brash and out spoken and wouldn't hesitate to tell someone they and the horse they rode in on can go to hell, so I am not always the best person to ask,  but it really bothers me when submissives do this thing, where they ask should I do what he wants because he wants it , against my better judgment because I am a submissive? Or ask if there's a special way they should go about stating how they feel,


The answer is  NO , NO, NO. You don't throw your good judgment* if people had some in the first place* out the door and go along with something you don't want to cause he's some guy claiming to be a dom. And you're a submissive.

When has it become not ok to have a say in things. And fourtly why do you need a special way to say things. State it plainly and clearly.. Say I understand your position, but I am not going to get invested in someone who wants it to be soley on their terms, and their terms only.  Or say what e ver it is you have to say.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

but yet he wants me to undress in front of webcam...and masterbate for him.. so i "show my submission to him".

should i give myself full out to this guy before we meet...before we talk on the phone?



came4U -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:44:56 PM)

quote:

So on his terms we are trying again....he wont even phone because he wants to wait to do that till he wants to do that since he's the dom...which i get that's fine....but yet he wants me to undress in front of webcam...and masterbate for him.. so i "show my submission to him".


I stopped reading after that... I didn't even need to read more.

say NOTHING. and do not reply to him further.  Not even phone? oh boy.

block him. move on.



Tsuriai -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:46:03 PM)

I'm not even going to read the other posts... nothing insulting... I've just got thoughts on this and I'm writin' 'em.
 
Firstly... no boy or girl gets commanded/directed/ordered by anyone but their owner.  It's that simple.  Anyone assuming otherwise can go plunge their head into the toilette for a nice cool drink cleaner than their mind.  A submissive/slave/boy/girl/whatever is a valued property to their owner, not a doormat.  They ought to be able to open their pretty little lips and say what is on their mind without fear or hesitation and share their most valued commodity: their thoughts.  If the thoughts were so unimportant, dominants could just go get blow up dolls and get satisfaction that way. 
 
Now... there are some dynamics that -do- flow that way, but those are usually agreed upon -before- the behaviors of the relationship are enacted between the two.  That is fine.  But until an arrangement of some kind has been reached and mututally agreed upon, whether temporary or permanent... they have -no- claim on your time, service or anything else for that matter. 
 
*climbs off the soapbox*
~a kitten



barelynangel -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:47:31 PM)

To the Op:

If you are going to play online (meaning if you are going to use online places like this and/or chatrooms to find MEn and what you believe you want) you need to establish rules for yourself and not let people try and guilt you or fear you into changing those rules or allow them to use "prove your submission" when they have never met you ot hell even spoken to you on the phone.  For instance, if you want to talk on the phone before camming with people, then remain firm on that, if you want to meet before doing sexual things on cam, stay firm with it.  This to me isn't about him being dom or you being sub and your showing your submission.  You are not obligated to prove your submission online and you sure the heck shouldn't make a practice of same, especially since you do want to take this offline with people.

Since you are not his, you have not only a right but an obligation to set your own standards and expectations of the people you will meet online.  Stand firm on your "rules" you set for yourself. 

If you set low standards for yourself or are easily lead away from your expectations of conduct, i.e., meeting before doing sexual things on cam etc., you may end up finding yourself in situation you won't enjoy and may find yourself a focus of onliners only because your expectations are so low, instead of Men looking for the same thing you are.  Find what's important to you to reach the goals you want as a reason you are here and stick with that focus.

angel



lilmisssubmiss -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 4:47:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Look, you're 18 years old, you have a beautiful, sexy pic that shows the promise of seeing oh-so-much-more.  He is either a kid, or living in mommy's basement, or an old geezer, or married, or has no social skills, or no teeth, or... you get the picture. 

If he was who he says he is, then he would be falling all over himself to meet you on ANY TERMS.


Cali



well i know he is who he says he is..i've seen him on cam....he's actually fairly good looking



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