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RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 9:07:25 PM   
Timoty


Posts: 15
Joined: 11/1/2008
Status: offline 		There are so many good answers here, and, all of them when applied in hinsight are perfect. The problem is we live in the moment, without hindsight's wisdom. I agree with Lockit in that the answer lies within yourself. If you are feeling vulnerable, you probably are. If you are feeling misused, you probably are. If you are feeling that something just isn't right, it probably isn't. The trick is to ignore the outside influences and actually listen to the signals inside yourself. In my expereince these messages are always there whether I listen to them or not is up to me.

Another thing is the intent of listening to the signs. If we apply them for the wrong reasons such as to prove someone wrong, or, to do harm to them, or, to get revenge, or, to name call, then their effectiveness is lost. We are putting our own outward human biases and restrictions on the very thing inside of us used to protect ourselves. Our instinct is tainted and ineffective when we tarnish it in this way.

At first I was going to admonish you for using the word Fake in your question because in a different forum you said:

Can someone tell me why most men Don't look at it that way .. and calls us fakes when they are mad or they don't get their way or even post it in their profiles ?
Sunny
 
But instead of admonishment I think the advise above is more appropriate. Trust your instinct in these matters but be careful not to turn them ineffective by your own blindness to your motives. Keep your mind clear and free of bullshit and your instincts will serve you well.


(in reply to SunshineSunny)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/15/2008 7:02:59 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		The biggest for me would be:

1.  dishonesty
2.  uncontrolled anger
3.  trying to cut me off from contact with family and friends

In the beginning it can be hard to tell if someone is being completely honest.  My Master gave me his name and told me to Google him within the first week or so of us chatting together.  That made me feel good; showed me he had nothing to hide.  The first time we met in person was in public, and while he paid for the meal with his credit card I asked for permission to look at his drivers license.  This showed me that he was being honest about his name and address.  Most honest people have very little to hide.


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(in reply to Timoty)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/15/2008 7:48:41 AM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline 		   Fake is a word that I try very hard to not to use.    I might 'think' it but try very hard not to project it, simply because what I consider fake might be another person's reality and I guess I have been called 'fake' and 'wannabe' enough times to know that it does not feel so good and I do not wish to put those negative feelings on another person.   

   My three red flags are:

    1. We are totally incompatible
    2.  There are a few things that we are compatible on but the incompatible things would make moving forward, with a relationship extremely difficult
    3. We are compatible on a great many things, but the incompatible things are things that can never be worked through so we might be able to continue on as friends with no further expectations.

   I agree that 'red flags' are completely personal and I think they are more what personality traits do you seek.   

(in reply to SunshineSunny)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/15/2008 9:27:17 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I don't have any *absolute* signals.

Some people have come across as a *bit of a wanker* but on longer aquaintance were really just unfortunate enough to have said things that I've heard countless times in a wankery way. It just so happens that they meant it....lol.

agirl



(in reply to SunshineSunny)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/15/2008 9:34:46 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		I do have flags in any type of relationship
1. Those who call others fakes, major turn off to me
2. Those who enjoy flaming others, another major turn off to me
3.  Those who will not take responsibility for their own life, and prefer to blame others.

I have no patience anymore for these 3 types of behaviors.

oceanwynds

(in reply to HalfShyHalfWild)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/15/2008 1:49:43 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

The biggest red flag (i guess) that I had was the guy that said if I didn't meet him alone and somewhere isolated he'd come to my work and embarrass me.

I laffed and offered to give him directions to my office *S* I work with all men, Riggers at that and they are a tad protective. hehe

Tho the demanding I meet him somewhere alone in a farily isolated area gave me the severe willies which is why i refused.

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/22/2008 4:47:05 AM   
kittenpuss


Posts: 22
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		For me it's very simple. My only red flag is if he doesn't communciate as I am not telepathic and how can I know what he wants if he doesn;t show/ tell me.

(in reply to SunshineSunny)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/22/2008 6:19:11 PM   
rikki105


Posts: 9
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Red flags:  1)Every story he tells about where things go wrong is always someone else's fault.
                2)  Disrespecting me at any time.
                3)   Strange/not standard beliefs about the universe and the way things work.  This could vary but you know what I mean.

(in reply to kittenpuss)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/22/2008 6:25:10 PM   
jstmi


Posts: 85
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		1- a Domme who doesn't want to talk to Your mentor because  "it would be a waste of time"

2- a Domme who asks " so when can you come down to be tried out"

3- a Domme who wonders why you would not drive 7 hours to meet them for the first time - and wonders why you want to know their full name.

These 3 things have personally been said to me at one time or another-

all 3 are red flags

(in reply to SunshineSunny)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/22/2008 6:51:15 PM   
MrDevlin


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline 		Okay, I read thru all these, and ...I gotta go change my profile...except there's not a damn thing left for me to put in it. 

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/22/2008 10:57:39 PM   
SimplyIsaac


Posts: 376
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SunshineSunny

As I think most .. of you know I am new to this .. and still learning as I go  :) .. I wonder .. what are you 3 most Red Flags to say GOOD BYE To a Dom ...  I would love to see what everyone is careful with .. to know that he is Fake

Sunny


For me, it would be (and has been):

1 - Chronic lying. a mistress doesn't have to lie or shouldn't feel like she has to if she holds all the authority in her hand. I mean, yeah, it's her right to do so, I guess, but too much of it creeps me out. I hate living in The Matrix®.

2- Someone who has HUGE trust issues and causes problems because of those trust issues. Needs to isolate you. Makes you do weird shit to your own friends and family out of sheer amusement or as a "test". Hyper jealous, etc...

3- Someone who doesn't care about your needs....I mean in a very obvious way.

I could go on, but I'll stop while I can...

< Message edited by SimplyIsaac -- 12/22/2008 11:00:01 PM >

(in reply to SunshineSunny)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/22/2008 11:01:05 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		No, actually I don't know what you mean.


quote:

ORIGINAL: rikki105
.
               3)   Strange/not standard beliefs about the universe and the way things work.  This could vary but you know what I mean.


(in reply to rikki105)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/22/2008 11:30:00 PM   
SimplyIsaac


Posts: 376
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

No, actually I don't know what you mean.


quote:

ORIGINAL: rikki105
.
               3)   Strange/not standard beliefs about the universe and the way things work.  This could vary but you know what I mean.




I can relate to that a lot, actually.

I don't like those really out there hocus pocus new age spiritualist types or Jesus freaks. I mean, reading tarot is neat, but thinking you can cast spells or talk to angels makes my eyes bleed.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/23/2008 5:48:05 AM   
rikki105


Posts: 9
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I mean all manner of bizarre beliefs, such as a belief that the Shi'ites are the source of all the world's problems.  Or that a reverse-osmosis water filter is going to eliminate diabetes.  Or that "the government" is lowering and raising the gas prices at will.  Or that homosexuals actually have a small animal, similar in size to a hamster, living in their rectums, and that this is why they like anal sex, to feed the animal.  Really, all of these are things I have heard men say over the years.  Plus other crazy things.

Whatever the weird belief, not backed up by evidence is, if it's weird to *you*, why would you want to be submissive to someone whose beliefs were so different from yours?  You know the relationship is going to be nothing but trouble.

< Message edited by rikki105 -- 12/23/2008 5:49:24 AM >

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/23/2008 5:52:12 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		Interesting thread.  I did not read every post completely as time is slipping away from me... but I did wish to add one little thing.

Most of the 'red flags' listed concerning personal safety apply to FemDoms as well.  Meeting in a public place, making sure you have proper names and phone numbers, having a friend or significant other call to make sure everything is going properly, not moving to a second location without notifying said friend... these are all things that subs and FEMALES of both sides of the kneel should do to protect themselves. 

Let's face it ladies, when all is said and done, most men can overpower a woman and there are to many crazy jackasses out there who use BDSM as an excuse to be abusive.  Protect yourself first.  Any man who objects to any of the aforementioned safety precausions should be left alone.  He may talk a nice game... but Jeffery Dahmer did also.


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It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to SimplyIsaac)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/23/2008 8:49:33 AM   
burntcynder


Posts: 34
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		My personal red flags would include:

1. If the first words out of his/her mouth is "kneel bitch"
2. Immediately assuming they know me, who i am and what i am about
3. Unable or unwilling to take the time to build a relationship

(in reply to SunshineSunny)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/23/2008 9:47:07 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		SimplyIsaac. I feel if you wanna believe in Jesus, or angels or hell Satan even. OR new age realistic holistic stuff, great, but don't mind me if I don't believe in all that stuff and refuse to listen to you talk about the subject *hehe*

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

No, actually I don't know what you mean.


quote:

ORIGINAL: rikki105
.
              3)   Strange/not standard beliefs about the universe and the way things work.  This could vary but you know what I mean.




I can relate to that a lot, actually.

I don't like those really out there hocus pocus new age spiritualist types or Jesus freaks. I mean, reading tarot is neat, but thinking you can cast spells or talk to angels makes my eyes bleed.

(in reply to SimplyIsaac)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/23/2008 9:49:40 AM   
SimplyIsaac


Posts: 376
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

SimplyIsaac. I feel if you wanna believe in Jesus, or angels or hell Satan even. OR new age realistic holistic stuff, great, but don't mind me if I don't believe in all that stuff and refuse to listen to you talk about the subject *hehe*

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

No, actually I don't know what you mean.


quote:

ORIGINAL: rikki105
.
              3)   Strange/not standard beliefs about the universe and the way things work.  This could vary but you know what I mean.




I can relate to that a lot, actually.

I don't like those really out there hocus pocus new age spiritualist types or Jesus freaks. I mean, reading tarot is neat, but thinking you can cast spells or talk to angels makes my eyes bleed.



LOL, point made, point made.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 58
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