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RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 1:26:08 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Well the fact that he was willing to end the relationship because of her objections should be telling. The writing is on the wall who is important to him. Sounds like she brow beats him and he likes it also.

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(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 1:35:12 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:  I don't know how to explain to him how I feel... that I'm hurt that he's willing to do more for someone who shits on him than someone who cares...

And no, I'm not the reason for their divorce, but I have that leverage due to him telling her that we stopped seeing each other a long time ago. 

I'm upset that the thought crossed my mind, really.  I could never do something like that to him because I don't want to be like that... I just feel shitty about the situation because it seems unfair. 




Just a couple of thoughts -
     Life is unfair - especially since you are involved with a divorced man with kids. You will always be second, and that is just the way the cookie crumbles. If the kids get sick, he is out of there. If you get sick - not so much! As minors the adults in the relationship get to take care of them, no matter what else is going on in their lives.

     There is no equality in relationships - if she gets $1000 , then it doesn't follow that you get $1000.  It may be that she gets $1000, and you get love and affection.  I know which i would rather have. You need to stop equating love with money - they really don't correlate. I realise that we are all brainwashed to think of money and stuff as love, but it isn't. Money is just money, a way for society to exchange services and things between more than two people.

    Do you really think that hanging a nasty fact over his head is going to make you feel better in the long run - or do you think it would make you feel worse about yourself if you let the fact go?  Chances are that it wouldn't make you feel better - it would just make his life worse.

    I don't know why you have to stay in this relationship, but it is obviously not healthy for you. You either need to tell him how you feel, or get out as soon as possible.  Perhapes writing it down would make it easier for you to communicate with him - it would add a little distance , give the issue a little dispassion, and allow you to use the wording you need to allow you to communicate all the nuances of your feelings.  You could give it to him and have him read it while you wait.

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 1:36:48 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

Everyone is defending the man in this situation.
I'm not going to defend the girlfriend, but I have to say, I don't think this man will get very far with any relationship while he's still stuck on his ex.
And well, as long as he has his cake and eats it too, he's going to do it.
Like ALL men.


I don't consider any of this 'stuck' it is called having um's and despite it being over...he sticks with his responsibilities.  What cake? I doubt the ex and him swoon all over eachother as one's imagination might take that they do.

Not ALL men are monsters lol.

quote:

have seen very little of what she's said about him actually IN his character over the past year we've spent together.  I see him lie to her, but he's seen me lie to my parents as well, and neither of us are dishonest with eachother. 


People change, some even learn from mistakes they made in the past.  Maybe, even she didn't see what a dick he was for 3 years,,..ever consider that?

He lies to her? He makes you lie? oh sure, and you expect him to be honest to you? LOLOL

A lie is a lie is a lie.  If one can do it easily to a cashier at a convenience store, they can lie easily to anyone.  Lying to people you supposedly care for, even worse, making others lie...IMPOSSIBLE if that person has any fortitude and morals.

quote:

My problem is in the fact that he does so much for HER, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the kids... I understand paying the house payment, and the bills and stuff, to keep a roof over their heads and stuff... and he does that.  He's a very good dad.  I just believe that he needs to keep the peace, take care of his kids, and that should be it. 


Yanno, my ex bf married in May to a nice gal.  This is his first marriage, her second.  She gets what I used to have: the big house, the cars, the jewelry, the time, the attention. He still pays my bills (rent, cable, phone, hydro etc etc) he also buys my clothes and my son's (he was a stepdad, not his natural father).  Also, dental bills/eyedoc subsciptions and if I need it (very rarely) a fist full of cash.

Years after our breakup and before he met her, he would be here by afternoon if I had called him in the morning because I needed something (which was rare).  Now, since they are both very busy people at work and socially, I am lucky to get them on any average weeknight to answer the phone., if not, I leave a message.  Sometimes they return my call after a few hours, few days or even weeks.  I have their cell numbers, I have yet to use them, no emergencies have come up.

Her and I socialize when we can, with eachother or doing other things.  When a cool job position comes up, she lets me know, we go to interviews together, she picks me up, we then go out to eat.

Point is, I EXPECT her to come first.  She is his wife. She is deserving of his time money and attention.  He may have a lot of money to spare to pass around but if she was a truly evil person she would have put her foot down a long time ago.  I chose him, he is a decent human being, he now chose her, she is a good person also.

I think my point is...MATURITY....maybe you chose the wrong situation or you can't handle the big girl responsibility of being a woman worthy of being calm in a crisis.  Either way, you can't put blame on other people for their falsehoods and lies when you have been swept into it knowingly and acceptingly.  You now live them. I believe your life has to do a lot with the choices you make and you chose him.  He is an immature liar who chose another immature liar.  Good luck with that.





< Message edited by came4U -- 12/20/2008 1:40:31 PM >

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 2:27:45 PM   
sweetpea29


Posts: 21
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		We get treated as we ask for, and as well as we treat others.  If you don't act like a selfish juvinile , you aren't treated as one.  You threaten and whine and complain and you get treated as something he has to have not wants to.  She is the mother of his kids.  That will never, ever change.  Maybe you should move on and be with someone who's excited to see you and be with you?  Just a thought

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 2:39:01 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern
And no, I'm not the reason for their divorce, but I have that leverage due to him telling her that we stopped seeing each other a long time ago. 


As long as you continue to evaluate your relationship regarding what "leverage" you have, and whether life is "fair" or not... you're going to be unhappy.  As long as he continues to allow his ex to run his life, she will.  That is not your choice or your decision to make, that is his.  And frankly, you have zero say over it.

Maybe you should do HIM a favor and walk away.  Seriously.


Cali


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(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 3:04:23 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

I see him lie to her, but he's seen me lie to my parents as well, and neither of us are dishonest with each other.

Darlin', neither of you is even remotely honest with each other.  If you were, this bit of drama would never have happened.


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(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 4:16:50 PM   
bdaile


Posts: 69
Joined: 12/8/2008
Status: offline 		I have to agree with everyone else...you say you can't leave, but you don't say why. I can't honestly say I've never stayed in a bad relationship, because I have. But to be honest, it sounds like the problem in this relationship isn't him, it's you.

I hate to sound mean, but grow up! He has children, and they will always be his first priority. And yes, if his wife is as awful as you make her out to be, that means he has to keep her happy too. Not because he wants her to be happy, but because he wants a relationship with his children. In my opinion, the fact that he's willing to put up with her bullshit so that he can be a good father just makes him a better man. There are so many men in this world that walk away from their kids without any reason at all, and here he is doing everything he can to be a part of their lives. You should be proud of him for being a good father!

As for threatening to tell his ex that he's been lying to her, I am appalled. Words cannot even begin to describe how horrible that would be. I know you say you wouldn't really do it, but the fact that you have even entertained the idea worries me. Yes, you would make him sorry, but you would also be depriving his children of a relationship with him, since I'm sure his ex would keep them from him. Do you really want that on your conscience???

Honestly, it sounds to me like you're not mature enough to be in any relationship, let alone one involving a man with kids. Leave him, then grow up. Once you've done that you'll realize just how immature you're being right now.


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(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 5:19:11 PM   
MissSepphora1


Posts: 669
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		I have to say I'm thoroughly amused with all the women bad mouthing you, saying, yes that man should do whatever it takes to make sure he sees his kids.
Should he wipe her ass too?  Buy her groceries AND cook her dinner?  Maybe he should wash up after as well... just to keep the mother of his kids happy?  PLEASE!!!!!!  I've seen and heard enough.
There are reasons we have courts.  If he's a great father, and she tries to take him to court, it will come out that he is the great guy and she is the bitch.
And well, IF he's such a great guy, and she's such a bitch, why doesn't he just SUE HER for custody????

It seems to me the ex wife is to blame here.  Hanging a man by the balls to get whatever you want by saying I HAD YOUR CHILDREN is the WORST form of blackmail.

For goodness sake the EX should learn how to wipe her own ass and nose, and leave the man alone!!!!

(in reply to bdaile)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 5:21:31 PM   
MissSepphora1


Posts: 669
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		It also amuses me, all these women saying "coddle the bitch of an ex."  It makes me wonder how they are in real life... perhaps THEY are the bitch ex in someone else's life.

(in reply to MissSepphora1)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 5:33:23 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I don't recall anyone saying " coddle the bitch" - i think most everyone said something along the lines of " helping the mother helps the kids".   And it makes ME think that all these women are empathetic to the plight of kids held between two feuding parents.    Which makes you ... what?

(in reply to MissSepphora1)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 5:35:17 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		All I can say is...walk away.   No one deserves to be that far down on the list when in a relationship.   Looks like he's made his choice, and unfortunately it isn't you.

start the new year with a new relationship, one that you can be in too, cause you're definitely not in this one.

Good luck to you

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(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 6:00:00 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

I have to say I'm thoroughly amused with all the women bad mouthing you, saying, yes that man should do whatever it takes to make sure he sees his kids.
Should he wipe her ass too?  Buy her groceries AND cook her dinner?  Maybe he should wash up after as well... just to keep the mother of his kids happy?  PLEASE!!!!!!  I've seen and heard enough.

WE nor she knows what is said or what goes on over there, she has never even met the ex or his ums.
 
Why so angry???

There are reasons we have courts.  If he's a great father, and she tries to take him to court, it will come out that he is the great guy and she is the bitch.
And well, IF he's such a great guy, and she's such a bitch, why doesn't he just SUE HER for custody????

For ONE, being a 'bitch' to anyone doesn't make one an unfit parent or give a judge cause to cancel any custody order.

It seems to me the ex wife is to blame here.  Hanging a man by the balls to get whatever you want by saying I HAD YOUR CHILDREN is the WORST form of blackmail.

All men claim this when they have shared or even lesser custody if they are immature liars as this guy seems to be.  The ex wife is to blame for this guy not spending more money on her or time?? LOL gimme a break.

For goodness sake the EX should learn how to wipe her own ass and nose, and leave the man alone!!!!


She likely has.  Besides she can't stalk him ...unless he allows it.
 
We, (at least I) am not coddling anyone.  They are adults. It is a choice she made, she chose a liar, who made her a liar, who probably has an ex wife liar and someone better wake up and burst that lil bubble lie by walking away.  I can't live my life being second to a ghost, especially if the one holding the strings for her sheet is a big fat liar liar pants on fire.

(in reply to DrkJourney)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 7:01:37 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

It also amuses me, all these women saying "coddle the bitch of an ex." 


Are you reading the same thread we are?  No one is saying coddle the ex-wife.  We are confirming what the OP already understands to be true.  His ex-wife is a big priority in his life. 


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(in reply to DrkJourney)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 7:05:47 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Why wuldn't it be a healthy thing to be kept a secret? I mean if he was cheating on someone to be with you, yeah, but not every one wants their family to know who they're dating and if they are even dating someone.

And if you're ok with that, then I say nothing unhealthy at all there.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern

So, I recognize that it's not the healthiest thing, but in my relationship with my boyfriend, I'm being kept a secret from his ex-wife and his family.

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 7:29:57 PM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		You are not happy, it doesnt matter why. It doesnt matter who is wrong or right. It doesnt matter if the exwife is in the wrong, if the exhusband is in the wrong... the point is you are not getting what you want and it isnt changing.
Rather than spending your time pointing fingers and getting validaed for feeling wronged, why not move to a relationship that feels right? You are not his priority and you think you should be. You wont be, between his exwife and kids, he is letting them (yes, them, the kids deserve it the exwife might or might not, but they are both doing it) run his life and you are an afterthought.
You heard him tell her you were disposable, to keep her happy back then. That didnt bother you, so... why let it get to you now?

DV


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(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 10:40:59 PM   
BeIgnited


Posts: 191
Joined: 6/23/2008
Status: offline
quote:

There are reasons we have courts. If he's a great father, and she tries to take him to court, it will come out that he is the great guy and she is the bitch.
And well, IF he's such a great guy, and she's such a bitch, why doesn't he just SUE HER for custody????



You make it sound so easy; it rarely is.

In many places, unless there are proven instances of abuse or neglect on the part of the mother, it is virtually unheard of for a man to get sole custody. Even when that is the case, it's rarely open and shut and generally requires a lengthy set of legal proceedings where the kids may or may not be forced to choose mommy or daddy. Who wants to put their kids through that? I live in a county where this is the case--my mother was involuntarily commited and my father could not get custody. It took her burning our house down some years later and my offer to testify at the hearing for my father to get custody.

What good does bashing the Ex do anyway? Even if she is the guilty party here, it's not as if telling the OP "yeah, she's a raging bitch" accomplishes anything. The OP cannot control the Ex. She cannot control her SO's relations with his Ex or his behavior towards her. No amount of manipulation or "leverage" changes that. She can control herself. That's it.

(in reply to MissSepphora1)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Relationship Health - 12/21/2008 9:27:06 AM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:


Kids trump everything.


YEP Truer words were never spoken... they are the ace high royal flush in hearts...

Dreamer

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I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Relationship Health - 12/21/2008 12:25:48 PM   
apiercedkitty


Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSepphora1

I have to say I'm thoroughly amused with all the women bad mouthing you, saying, yes that man should do whatever it takes to make sure he sees his kids.
Should he wipe her ass too?  Buy her groceries AND cook her dinner?  Maybe he should wash up after as well... just to keep the mother of his kids happy?  PLEASE!!!!!!  I've seen and heard enough.
There are reasons we have courts.  If he's a great father, and she tries to take him to court, it will come out that he is the great guy and she is the bitch.
And well, IF he's such a great guy, and she's such a bitch, why doesn't he just SUE HER for custody???? Clearly you've never dealt with the family courts. i have. They rarely do ANYTHING other than give a verbal tongue lashing... sometimes they go crazy and put it in WRITING!!! Other than that, either parent is fucked unless the other puts the kids in danger. Then there's the court fees everytime you file to have a referee (not a judge to start with - that requires yeat another hearing if the referee feels he/she can't handle the situation) hear your case. Then, they usually hear certain things on certains days - so you take the day off to spend (usually) a couple of hours sitting and waiting. Besides, it's really his word against hers about how much of a bitch she is and hers against his about what an asshole he is.
As far as sueing for custody... in this day and age, about the only way to get custody once it's been established is to prove the custodial parent is unfit... perhaps he/she does drugs (which might even have to be done in front of the kids for it to count), or physical abuse can be proven. Basically, it's impossible to change custody. And it is TOTALLY impossible to change it based on the fact that she's a "bitch."

It seems to me the ex wife is to blame here.  Hanging a man by the balls to get whatever you want by saying I HAD YOUR CHILDREN is the WORST form of blackmail. i agree. Unfortunately, it happens all the time - with immature people who have chosen to bring children into the world and who totally ignore what's good for said children.

For goodness sake the EX should learn how to wipe her own ass and nose, and leave the man alone!!!! Again, agreed. Again unfortunately, no one has the power to make that happen.


Disclaimer: All above facts are based on Michigan courts, which i would find hard to believe differ that much from most states.

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(in reply to MissSepphora1)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Relationship Health - 12/21/2008 12:45:51 PM   
bdaile


Posts: 69
Joined: 12/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSepphora1
It seems to me the ex wife is to blame here.  Hanging a man by the balls to get whatever you want by saying I HAD YOUR CHILDREN is the WORST form of blackmail.


NO ONE said that the ex wife was a good person, or that what she was doing is right. In fact, I'm sure we all agree that it's awful and wrong. That doens't change the fact that she IS doing it! Sure, he can take her to court....that doesn't mean anything will change. All we were pointing out is that he is willing to do anything for his kids, and his current gf obviously isn't okay with that. She can't understand that the kids will always be the most important thing in his life, so she shouldn't be with him.

Your post makes me wonder though...do you have kids? Does your significant other? If not, what makes you such an expert on how things should work? I'm a single mom doing everything I can to make sure my son has a good life and knows his father. Unfortunately, a lot of women aren't like me. Unless you actually know what you're talking about, maybe you shouldn't start ranting about everyone else's advice.....

_____________________________

~brittany~

(in reply to MissSepphora1)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Relationship Health - 12/21/2008 1:37:31 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		No, you're being shit on for the comments of you could black mail him, you won't but you could, and he knows you could black mail him, so why am I being put last.


quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern


I feel like i'm being shit on for being there for him and caring about him through all of this... maybe he's the kind of guy who only responds to "I'll fuck up your life if you don't do everything I want".



(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 40
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