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RE: Relationship Health - 12/21/2008 1:42:38 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern

...So, if he recognizes that, why is he treating me the way he does sometimes? Why do I get less than she does, when I've been nothing but wonderful to him this whole time and she treats him like shit?...

I confess I stopped reading the OP here and started my comment immediately...

These are very good questions for him and not so much for strangers on a message board, due to the private nature of inter-relationship stuff.

Edited for spelling...

< Message edited by E2Sweet -- 12/21/2008 1:53:37 PM >

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E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to LittleMissModern)

Post #: 41

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 8:13:18 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSepphora1

I have to say I'm thoroughly amused with all the women bad mouthing you, saying, yes that man should do whatever it takes to make sure he sees his kids.
Should he wipe her ass too? Buy her groceries AND cook her dinner? Maybe he should wash up after as well... just to keep the mother of his kids happy? PLEASE!!!!!! I've seen and heard enough.
There are reasons we have courts. If he's a great father, and she tries to take him to court, it will come out that he is the great guy and she is the bitch.
And well, IF he's such a great guy, and she's such a bitch, why doesn't he just SUE HER for custody????

It seems to me the ex wife is to blame here. Hanging a man by the balls to get whatever you want by saying I HAD YOUR CHILDREN is the WORST form of blackmail.

For goodness sake the EX should learn how to wipe her own ass and nose, and leave the man alone!!!!

We must be reading different threads. No one is coddling the ex. No one is badmouthing much about the OP other than for her threats to disrupt her partner's life. There is no "custody" re: the kids. If you've been reading, you'll know the kids are all adults in their 20s.

Oh and I can assure you, our legal system does not always highlight the truth.

I do agree with you - the ex is problematic. Seems the partner is problematic. And the OP is problematic. No one is handling this situation well, in my opinion.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to MissSepphora1)

Post #: 42

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 8:45:13 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Why do I get less than she does, when I've been nothing but wonderful to him this whole time and she treats him like shit?

quote:

...because she has his kids, and he wants to be able to see them...

quote:

...why is he treating me the way he does sometimes?...

perhaps because deep down he realizes:

quote:

...if I decided to, I could go to her with the fact that he and I have been seeing eachother all this time, and REALLY screw things up for him. It would mean the end of our relationship, and friendship, but I have the power to start the chain reaction that he's so scared of.

and subconsciously(or consciously) wishes you would hurry up and use the power he has given you and get it over with.

quote:

...I don't want to be like his ex-wife...

and yet, this:

quote:

he only has two options:
1. Never have started this relationship to begin with, so that the ties don't exist...
2. Treat me well, and keep me happy (well, as happy as I can be in this situation)

sounds like the rules she has in place regarding his submission to her...

you answered your own questions within the OP (as pointed out above with the copy/paste/quote feature)...and it sounds like you are very similar to his ex...and probably similar to others that he serves.

(in reply to LittleMissModern)

Post #: 43

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 8:54:00 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

Shes not a sub?

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(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 44

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 9:04:28 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Shes not a sub?

this slave has no idea...she never said she was. this slave was merely responding to someone who came across as a girlfriend who wanted more control of her boyfriend, who submits to his ex-wife's desires, in order to see his offspring.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 45

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 10:02:22 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

The facts as I understand them to be are:
1.The OP is 22 years old.
2. The Dominant(?) boyfriend is at least 18 years or so older than the OP as evidenced by the fact that...
3. The boyfriend has grown children in their 20's (gleaned from somewhere in this thread) which also means that...
4. They have been a "family" for at least 2 decades.

Given the facts as I see them, the fact that they are divorced doesn't make them any less of a family. It seems that the ex wife and the bf realize that good parenting doesn't end when the ums turn 18. They are parents for the rest of their lives and putting the family first sometimes means that those outside the family (no matter how important of a role they think they should have) lose out.
The OP seems to be of the opinion that her relationship with the bf should be of equal or greater importance than the ex wife and ums.
That's all well and good. You are entitled to your opinion.
However if that isn't the boyfriend's opinion, there ain't a damn thing you can do about it. If you have told him honestly how being relegated to this position makes you feel, that's all you can do.
If he chooses not to change his behavior based on what you have told him, then you have 2 choices:
1. Break up with him.
2. Stay. But realize that by staying you are telling him that you accept circumstances as they exist at this moment and that it's ok, because...

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

quote:

Here's an example. He took care of something for her that cost $1000, but a very similar thing that I need taken care of costs $100 and he won't do it.

I just got deja vu... Heard the very same thing the other day, except it was more like, "MOM!!!! Look, HE'S having a popsicle, why can't I have a popsicle too?? It's not fair! WAHHHHH"
and I would tell you the exact same thing I tell them, what he does or doesn't do for the ex has absolutely ZERO to do with what he does or doesn't do for you. You seem to have a sense of entitlement and you shouldn't. To me, it seems utterly ridiculous that you are comparing your relationship to that of his family and expecting equal treatment.

quote:

There are lots of examples, financial and otherwise, where there's a tremendous gap... I can understand doing things for the kids, and keeping a roof over their head and such, but much aside from that, and whatever the very base limit is that it takes to keep the peace, I feel that should be it. She doesn't deserve anything more.

So, based on all your years of experience and all the insight you have developed you recommend that this man you are involved with should do the absolute minimum that he can get away with because doing anything more than that upsets you?
YOU feel that should be it? Are you kidding? Why not try asking the kids how "whatever the base limit is that it takes to keep the peace" works for them?

It's a shame that you are probably going to read all these posts and disregard any that don't agree with your point of view and that is to be expected. That's what I would have done at your age.
I have been where you are.
I am the ex wife too. Many people can't believe we are divorced because we spend so much time together. Many people find it odd. Doesn't matter. The well being of our um's is our TOP priority and it will remain so for the rest of our lives. Anyone who comes into our lives either accepts that or doesn't get to stay in our lives very long.

UGH! I have so much more to say on the subject regarding feeling safe enough to be honest, how hard it is to be truly honest, etc... But I have a really bad headache and shouldn't even be on the computer.. Since I am still learning about being truly honest and He has been such a wonderful role model for me, perhaps SimplyMichael will decide to post here on the issue of honesty for me.

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 46

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 10:10:43 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

3. The boyfriend has grown children in their 20's (gleaned from somewhere in this thread) which also means that...
4. They have been a "family" for at least 2 decades.

No unfortunately, we don't know this. Somehow the facts of another thread (where the master cancelled boxing day plans with his slave to be with his exwife and grown children) got morphed into this thread. We don't know how old the children are, and due to the fact that the kids live with the exwife and she controls who sees them, odds are that they are under the age of majority.

Cali

_____________________________

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(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 47

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 1:32:02 PM

LittleMissModern

Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline

his children are quite young... i don't know where older ones came into play, unless i typed that while i was sleeping.

this has NOTHING to do with his children, and i have respected the fact that he has kids from day one. the issue is much more what he does for her, while she uses him for his skills regarding his occupation. if he can't do something for her in some way, she has no interest in seeing him.

she has even required that he visit with the kids at other people's houses (not his, and not hers) because she doesn't want to have to see him even on the nights that he gets to see the kids, but believes that because he watches porn, that it leads to child abuse.

she's outrageous. i don't believe he should have to drop everything (including work, which pays all her bills) because a kid gets a bug bite, or is crying (i have experienced her doing both those things on more than one occasion), or that his schedule should always be up in the air because she might call. she's not working right now, but calls on most mornings to tell him to take the kids to school because she doesn't feel like getting up.

there are ways to be a good ex-wife and ways to be a good ex-husband. she left him, but she's still requiring him to be there like nothing ever happened, until she doesn't need something from him right that second. he pays all her bills, buys dinner more than half the nights of the week, and takes care of many other things as well. when does she have to parent on her own? when does she have to take responsibility and care for her own kids?

she's so involved in his personal life that she said if she found out he was seeing someone, she's decided that he won't get to see his kids and that she would ruin his business.

does he not get to have a life just because she says so?

where's the balance in any of that? she should never have that much control.

btw, some of you do a great job of taking things out of context with your copying and pasting from my initial thread...

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 48

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 1:42:16 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

3. The boyfriend has grown children in their 20's (gleaned from somewhere in this thread) which also means that...
4. They have been a "family" for at least 2 decades.

No unfortunately, we don't know this. Somehow the facts of another thread (where the master cancelled boxing day plans with his slave to be with his exwife and grown children) got morphed into this thread.

Wow, I did that. Apparently all the CM threads are just blending together for me now. Scary. And my apologies for stating that incorrectly.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 49

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 1:45:22 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

What it really boils down to is this - you have a relationship with this man who has a lot of loose ends and baggage. Because we can not control what our partners or their ex's do, or how they respond to each other, we can only choose how we can respond. You can accept "what is," and offer supportive advice to him on how to handle it, or you can decide this is not a situation you want to be a part of. Sounds like a mess to me, and certainly not something I would personally want to involve myself in. Were it me, I'd walk away and say call me when it's resolved and maybe we can talk.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to LittleMissModern)

Post #: 50

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 1:51:53 PM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern

his children are quite young... i don't know where older ones came into play, unless i typed that while i was sleeping.

this has NOTHING to do with his children, and i have respected the fact that he has kids from day one. the issue is much more what he does for her, while she uses him for his skills regarding his occupation. if he can't do something for her in some way, she has no interest in seeing him.

she has even required that he visit with the kids at other people's houses (not his, and not hers) because she doesn't want to have to see him even on the nights that he gets to see the kids, but believes that because he watches porn, that it leads to child abuse.

she's outrageous. i don't believe he should have to drop everything (including work, which pays all her bills) because a kid gets a bug bite, or is crying (i have experienced her doing both those things on more than one occasion), or that his schedule should always be up in the air because she might call. she's not working right now, but calls on most mornings to tell him to take the kids to school because she doesn't feel like getting up.

there are ways to be a good ex-wife and ways to be a good ex-husband. she left him, but she's still requiring him to be there like nothing ever happened, until she doesn't need something from him right that second. he pays all her bills, buys dinner more than half the nights of the week, and takes care of many other things as well. when does she have to parent on her own? when does she have to take responsibility and care for her own kids?

she's so involved in his personal life that she said if she found out he was seeing someone, she's decided that he won't get to see his kids and that she would ruin his business.

does he not get to have a life just because she says so?

where's the balance in any of that? she should never have that much control.

btw, some of you do a great job of taking things out of context with your copying and pasting from my initial thread...

At some point in life, we all come to the realization that life just ain't always "fair." Period. Learn to deal with that. If you can't stomach how he's living his life, you need to move on. This isn't about how he lives his life. It's about how you choose to live yours.

_____________________________

normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to LittleMissModern)

Post #: 51

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 2:04:45 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

You can't change his mind, his behaviour, or the way he behaves.

The sooner you can accept this, the sooner you can get on with your life - with him or without him. If you can accept how he is RIGHT NOW, then jump in boots and all, but if you want things to change, you are in deep doo-doo! They aren't going to change.

sorry!

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 52

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 2:50:23 PM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

most every has told you cannot control but you can control yours and you have choice to stay or leave...but for some reason you do not want to hear those words as you continue in this thread to whine about the ex wofe?????

what do you want people to suggest to you???

Do you want us to tell you to order him to take a stand against his ex??? Are you prepared for the consequences ??? If the ex is as controlling and manipulative as you claim she could very well make his life a living hell and could prevent him from seeing his kids and forcing him back to court where she could use what she knows about his sexual interests to humilated and to prevent him from seeing his kids ,, a major court battle now with him starting off a business .. could cost him the business and his kids.. How do you think he would feel about you if you forced the issue and he lost both the kids even for a period of time such as a year and the business.

And don't think it can't happen because it can.... it happened to my son ..by the time he finally able to see his daughter again having to go though a long court battle with all the lies the mom said to the daughter..his daughter was afraid and want no part of him...so rather than continue to force the visitations he simply told her his door is always open to her..but it is her choice... my son was pretty devastated by as he lost his daughter when attempted to stand up to the ex and not taking the threats seriously

_____________________________

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(in reply to LittleMissModern)

Post #: 53

RE: Relationship Health - 12/22/2008 4:04:44 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

you said:

quote:

...He treats his ex-wife really well, because she has his kids, and he wants to be able to see them...

so how exactly does that make it:

quote:

...NOTHING to do with his children...

???

(in reply to LittleMissModern)

Post #: 54

RE: Relationship Health - 12/23/2008 9:25:48 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern
He doesn't seem to see that if I decided to, I could go to her with the fact that he and I have been seeing eachother all this time, and REALLY screw things up for him. It would mean the end of our relationship, and friendship, but I have the power to start the chain reaction that he's so scared of.

If you think in terms of leverage in a relationship, you are no better than the ex. Only problem for you is she knows how to manipulate him far better than you do and he clearly knows how to manipulate you. Great fun for all if you enjoy that sort of crap, personally, I can't stand it.

quote:

First of all, I HAVE spoken with her. We had a long talk when she saw me with him one time. It was about 4 hours on the phone (the three of us) with her bashing him. At that point, he told her that we were going to stop seeing eachother, and obviously that didn't happen. I have seen very little of what she's said about him actually IN his character over the past year we've spent together.

quote:

I see him lie to her, but he's seen me lie to my parents as well, and neither of us are dishonest with eachother.

Let me guess, did you find out your ex boyfriends all lied to you? Guess what, this guy is going to be an ex one day too and then you will realize he is lying to you. And you, you are so good at lying, you can't even tell when you are lying to yourself.

(in reply to LittleMissModern)

Post #: 55

RE: Relationship Health - 12/24/2008 7:50:56 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

~ Fast Reply ~

Christmas Eve - slow day at the office. With no dog in the fight; there is a dynamic occurring here that I find very interesting. Divorce seems to be very empowering to the wife being discussed.

Think about it; while married, how would the husband react to a "bug bite"? "Take care of it Hun, I'll be home after golf. Luv 'ya - Bye!" Now, "Hey - YOUR kid got a bug bite, if you want to see him this weekend you better get your ass over here and take him to the doctor" - click. And over to the house, which he's still paying the mortgage more than likely, he goes.

Somehow an ex-wife has more power than she did as a wife. Obviously MUCH more power over the man than a current girl friend, submissive or not.

It's a tough decision for the man. The decision isn't whether to hold the girl friend in higher status than his kid. He's not family in any respect other than biological. Maybe in a 'poly' sense he is where he is the 'alpha' submissive to the wife. In that context any woman involved with him must accept that she is 2nd, behind him and his obligation to the progeny he helped create. By definition for the first 18 years that obligation passes through to her as well. There are some instances where that obligation goes on in perpetuity, however that requires an enabling spouse.

This is one of those situations that get posted on CM that seems to have an obvious answer. The situation IS what it IS. The non-custodial parent has the relationship spelled out and specific. 'Protocol' and rules, in this case they are enforceable legally and emotionally, are set. Involvement with any of the people involved requires acceptance - not agreement.

The ex-wife is the 'master'. Physical, emotional, and mental domination are in play every time there is interaction. Depending on her whim, she can chose to humiliate, frustrate, or placate; giggling in observing the discomfort it creates. It is sadism this sadist can appreciate. Submission, consensual or not, is required for involvement.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 56

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