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LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 5:39:48 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

For those who are ready to jump on thinking the LS in the title is for lifestyle, stand down. I'm not opening another can of worms about the word lifestyle. I'm sure we'll have that discussion again and again for those who don't like the term.

Rather, I'm using it to signify long separation. We've had a lot of threads lately about long distance relationships. All about what people consider what really is a long distance, what they can accept as a part of their dynamic and what they can't. Of course, as with many other topics, the answers to questions about the subject came back with the standard "it depends." It depends on the individual, the circumstances, the commitment.

So now another spin. What do you consider a long separation? If it's two weeks between you and the person on the other side of the kneel seeing each other, is it too much? What about two months? Maybe more? How long is too long?

I'm sure many of the regular posters here know what brought Me to ask the question. Yesterday, after an amazing week here with My sub, I took him to the airport and put him on a plane. Back home to pick up his things before he heads to TX, then to KS, then out of the country for a year. I'm not sure exactly when I'll get to see him again. It could be a couple of months, it could be more.

The odd thing about it is, before we left the house, I told him that it shouldn't surprise him if My reaction to the situation changed. That I would be the big, bad Domme at home, and a huge wuss at the airport. Other times when clip's been on his way to go somewhere else, I've cried. This time I didn't. I don't know if it's because I'm still riding the happy train that he was here for a week or maybe something else. Maybe this time, it's because I know that our dynamic is stronger than the miles between us.

So, if you will, I ask the questions listed above. What is your definition of a long separation?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

Post #: 1

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 6:08:03 PM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline

One month to six weeks to me begins to feel like a long separation ... sounds selfish when I know what others have to endure. Daily phone calls, im's and emails pass the time.

_____________________________

** Owned by E **

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 2

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 6:13:48 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

For me, it's a week. A seperation where I start to really miss him- 9 hours.

There's a reason I never went into a relationship with someone who had a job that would take them far away for long times and a reason why I decided no more long distance serious situations.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mc1234)

Post #: 3

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 6:24:27 PM

MercTech

Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline

Long separation... like my work. I head out on jobs that have me off the radar for 6-8 weeks at a time.

Stefan

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 4

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 7:42:08 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

I can't believe it.. I think this just might be unique thread... I can't recall a thread that focused on Long seperations.... but I am sure if I am wrong the amazing and beautiful Lucky will find the thread somewhere in the archives..... and yes Lucky that is a Challenge!!! *grin*

Now to the OP.

I hate being away from my girls for any time beyond 8 hours. I wake up in the morning and I want see them again before supper. It has always been that way with me as long as I can remember. Of course... I have done alot longer apart and can function.. but I miss my girls ALOT!!!

Now... I have been seperated from the ones I love for rather extended periods of time... but honestly even that time doesn't compare to many individuals... particular those that have military careers. The longest time that I spent from Alandra was 5 weeks and I was going nuts after about 2 weeks.. With Kyra... while she was living in Florida the longest time of seperation was about 3 months and that was torture. The year before Kyra moved to be with us.. I was actually seperated from both girls for about a year. I only saw Alandra a few times more that year than Kyra. Even though it was difficult... it was actually something that turned out to be very good for our relationship. The seperations of all three of us help to better appreciate that Kyra was dealing with being seperated from the two of us all that time. During that year... when all three of us seperated... Kyra ability to cope with the seperation increased significantly and I believe that it was largely because Alandra and I where more understanding and effective in our support because of the seperations that all three of us where enduring.

But.... I feel for those military families and often times... when I was having difficulty dealing with the seperation... I considered those that from the military had gone to fight a war and were seperated from their families. It made my issues seem petty in comparison and as a result.. I didn't engage in the self-pity due to the seperation for very long... nor did I tolerate it very much from the girls either.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 5

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 8:00:29 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
I can't believe it.. I think this just might be unique thread... I can't recall a thread that focused on Long seperations.... but I am sure if I am wrong the amazing and beautiful Lucky will find the thread somewhere in the archives..... and yes Lucky that is a Challenge!!! *grin*

Let's see. I know it's been mentioned WITHIN threads.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_408069/mpage_1/key_seperation/tm.htm#408069
Separation Anxiety

http://www.collarchat.com/m_160987/mpage_1/key_seperation/tm.htm#160987
Three months of separation

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 6

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 8:21:03 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Nice try, LA, but I think I win. Gee, who would have ever thought that I would be original?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 8:21:57 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

LP, Me personally I've answered 3 times on three different threads, that have brought up the subject, that anything more than 2 weeks between visits is to long.

I prefer seeing them several times a week every week.

Eventually if they're the right match for me I will want to live with them and build a cozy home life together.

.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

For those who are ready to jump on thinking the LS in the title is for lifestyle, stand down. I'm not opening another can of worms about the word lifestyle. I'm sure we'll have that discussion again and again for those who don't like the term.

Rather, I'm using it to signify long separation. We've had a lot of threads lately about long distance relationships. All about what people consider what really is a long distance, what they can accept as a part of their dynamic and what they can't. Of course, as with many other topics, the answers to questions about the subject came back with the standard "it depends." It depends on the individual, the circumstances, the commitment.

So now another spin. What do you consider a long separation? If it's two weeks between you and the person on the other side of the kneel seeing each other, is it too much? What about two months? Maybe more? How long is too long?

So, if you will, I ask the questions listed above. What is your definition of a long separation?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 8

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 8:31:44 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

My brother has a 4 year old daughter he see's about once a year for a week, cause his x gf doesn't want him to see her, and won't follow court orders to send angel to Daddy every time Daddy gets home leave. And for most of that week Angel is crying and screaming for mommy, and then they get 2 days where she's happy and hs forgotten all about wanting mommy, then she goes back.

Joy dumped my brother for another guy a few years after their daughter was born because she was sick of him always being in the field or gone when the army said to go.

My brother and his wife chose to get married in october, 3 days before he was supposed to deploy to Afghanistan for another year. He'd broken his elbow though and wasn't fit to leave till after thanksgiving.

So all in all as a married couple they only got a month to enjoy each other, before he was shipped out for what could of prommised to be a 1year deploy, a few months after he got back from a year long deploy.

It's more than it would of been if he hadn't of broken his elbow.

She see's him for about 5-6 days every home leave he gets, and this February I believe it is, he'll be home and then where ever he's shipped she'll be sent too if it's an assignment that allows spouces to come along too..

Personally I could never do it, Attach myself to someone who was a service man and oe a man who was gone more times than he was home, but I do hope they'll be happy when he finally comes home.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

But.... I feel for those military families and often times... when I was having difficulty dealing with the seperation... I considered those that from the military had gone to fight a war and were seperated from their families. It made my issues seem petty in comparison and as a result.. I didn't engage in the self-pity due to the seperation for very long... nor did I tolerate it very much from the girls either.

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 1/5/2009 8:33:08 PM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 8:37:23 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

I miss my partner when we've been separated all day at work, so yeah, 8 or 9 hours as some have said. Sometimes it's 12 hours between when I last see him in the morning and get home at night, so that's definitely cause for more hugs when I do make it home. However, given that we've been long distance in the past, I know I can handle a month or 6 weeks but it's not fun. Those were the times when we would be joined at the hip when we did finally see each other again. Now that we live together, being apart for anywhere from 2-6 days is hard but we each travel sometimes on our own and have to be apart for that length of time. Then I count my blessings in the fact that I have someone to love so much that being apart for a day is painful. Oddly, I see my parents once a year and barely miss them...left home at 18 and never went back for more than a visit, so I guess it's relative to the person in question.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 10

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 8:56:08 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
So now another spin. What do you consider a long separation? If it's two weeks between you and the person on the other side of the kneel seeing each other, is it too much? What about two months? Maybe more? How long is too long?

So, if you will, I ask the questions listed above. What is your definition of a long separation?

When you know you are with right person, when do you call it quits? When do you stop waiting? There is only one correct answer that I know of... never. However, I am poly and would have many needs met while waiting so my advice doesn't count or does it?

-=Emotional attachment vs sex & mono vs poly=-

Well, this gets down to what is more important, sex or emotion. You can maintain some emotional contact while separated. Hell, guys in prison get women they have never slept with to marry them before they get out. Some on death row take wives and then go get fried. I guess those brides would answer you question the same way I did in the preface.

However, unless you can live on phone sex, it's going to be hard to feed that need. For me, life's value includes being well fed, well watered, well loved and well fucked. If I go to bed at night w/o those things, I would be lost and unable to understand what I had been working for all this time. So in my book, if someone is sick, called away, drafted, goes to prison or something, you wait for them. However, if there is no "act of God" holding you apart, and you were monogamous, I would loose it in a week to a month and start looking at the other fish in the sea.

So now we get to poly. I wouldn't be going to bed unfed, unfucked and unloved. So I could wait a while... a long while. When I do a test run at a relationship I give it 90 days. I guess I could wait for someone 90 days too.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 11

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/5/2009 9:02:59 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

In my case, 4 weeks seemed like a lifetime. It was too long. Nothing changed of course, but it was just too long. I wanted to see him so badly by then, it was horrible... When I saw him it was like Christmas all over again. WOW... but not worth the long seperation.

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 12

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/6/2009 3:40:53 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

A long separation for me currently is anything more than two weeks since we try to see each other about every other week. After that it starts to take a toll on me. My longest separation from someone was a year when I was married and my husband was in the navy. It's not an easy road to take but I've learned over the years to just be patient and remind myself that it doesn't last forever.

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)

Post #: 13

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/6/2009 3:57:02 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

Since I was married to a marine pre-Gulf I during, previous and post,

Long distance is not something that counts if it is local or even a million miles away and 7 weeks and up to 17 months is hard to explain emotionally.

Waiting is normal and pretty hands-on about the daily activities, when a Master is away you can't expect as a slave to drown in nothingness in this modern world and act like your life is over. Be realistic.

When to give up? When you realize you waited for nothing, of course.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 14

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/6/2009 3:57:15 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mc1234

One month to six weeks to me begins to feel like a long separation ... sounds selfish when I know what others have to endure. Daily phone calls, im's and emails pass the time.

exactly the same for me.
a month till 6 weeks .

(in reply to mc1234)

Post #: 15

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/6/2009 4:55:20 AM

BondageBarbieX

Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline

I have never been separated from my Daddy's except when they go to work,I would miss them terribly if I was separated from them...but in regards to your question,I think a long separation would be 4-6 months.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/6/2009 5:09:49 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I don't really know what a 'long separation' is. I've only gone two weeks without seeing M, on occasion, and those were hateful and it felt like a LONG time.

The 'missing you/pining for' begins within hours after being together but I've rarely been without him for more than 6 days. Part of it is how you arrange life mentally.

Mine has a distinct pattern and it's really only when the gaps are 'unusual' that the 'missing you' becomes really uncomfortable.

In some ways it's tied to expectation and what you become used to....Regular separations become a way of life and it's a matter of whether you can live with the amount of time between; whether it's acceptable without too much discomfort.

Unusual separations are probably more uncomfortable because they fall outside of that. If I'd only ever seen M once a month, I wouldn't have anything else to compare it with.

There's 'missing you', in a rather nice way and 'missing you' in a way that makes it not worth it. For myself, it would depend on the 'why' of the separation as much as the separation itself and whether or not I could adjust to it without it hampering my life too much.

agirl

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/6/2009 7:15:08 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I think it is both a matter of perspective and what you are used to. I am in a poly relationship and have been told that weekends are not for me. Often there is no contact at all, and weekends seem incredibly long to me.

I sometimes travel for business and am gone for a week or two at a time. Since I stay very busy while I am gone it is more bearable.

I was engaged to a slave in the past who I went 10 months without being able to see in person. I was able to get through it as long as I continued getting emails talking about our future together. He was overseas in the Army and I knew that communication would be sporadic. I was careful to always be upbeat in my emails and not to go on about how much I missed him. I still found the relationship fulfilling even though we could not have the amount of contact that I wished for. I could have gone on longer, but sadly I received word that he was killed.

Now that I am a slave instead of a Domme it hits me as ironic that I could wait so long for him yet now have a hard time getting through weekends with no emails. I guess you can get through whatever you know circumstances will demand of you.

_____________________________

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Post #: 18

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/6/2009 8:19:27 AM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

The longest wait for us has been close to 2 months, shy a day or two. I saw Sir less then 2 weeks ago, and was hoping to be up there now. He though got sick and I am still here. Honestly today i just blue, but i know i will be there soon. I do hope that our seperation times will lessen now that my own family issues have been cleared. It is up to Sir on that.

oceanwynds

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 19

RE: LS rather than LD - 1/6/2009 8:31:22 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Some good responses coming in. There are more comments that I want to make, but I wanted to start with this one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

When you know you are with right person, when do you call it quits? When do you stop waiting? There is only one correct answer that I know of... never. However, I am poly and would have many needs met while waiting so my advice doesn't count or does it?

-=Emotional attachment vs sex & mono vs poly=-

Well, this gets down to what is more important, sex or emotion. You can maintain some emotional contact while separated. Hell, guys in prison get women they have never slept with to marry them before they get out. Some on death row take wives and then go get fried. I guess those brides would answer you question the same way I did in the preface.

However, unless you can live on phone sex, it's going to be hard to feed that need. For me, life's value includes being well fed, well watered, well loved and well fucked. If I go to bed at night w/o those things, I would be lost and unable to understand what I had been working for all this time. So in my book, if someone is sick, called away, drafted, goes to prison or something, you wait for them. However, if there is no "act of God" holding you apart, and you were monogamous, I would loose it in a week to a month and start looking at the other fish in the sea.

So now we get to poly. I wouldn't be going to bed unfed, unfucked and unloved. So I could wait a while... a long while. When I do a test run at a relationship I give it 90 days. I guess I could wait for someone 90 days too.

RS, you're opinion is absolutely appreciated in the discussion. In fact it's rather close to My own. The one exception I have in this would probably be where it's concerned with sex. The not having sex part isn't a huge issue for Me. This could explain why the time period of separation isn't as important to Me as it is to others. Of course, that is purely conjecture.

As to the rest, I have to say I agree. I've used a variation of the question of yours above, though when I did, it wasn't sex or emotion being more important. It was more along the lines of which is greater, the physical or the emotional. For Me, the emotional always wins out. It's a matter of the heart, mind, and soul being more than the external.

I happen to be poly as well. Truthfully, as long as I have casual play partners (play meaning getting My BDSM rocks off, not My sexual ones) I don't feel as though I have needs going unfulfilled. I can get the same rush from My sadistic desires as I can from My sexual ones. My emotional attachments are not so easily sustained.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 20

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