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"About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 9:49:43 AM

DomDG

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I read that all the time when someone says anything about sexuality in the life. It never fails that someone will say, "well this life...", "bdsm is...." "D/s is..." etc. But why do people feel the need to say that? Is not every long term relationship about more than sex?

But aren't some of the relationships about nothing BUT sex? I mean I know people that hook up with the knowledge that this play session, this meeting is about getting us both turned on and going at it like rabbits!

In a recent post on another group a brave girl lamented a physical/emotional reaction that her SO is having since going on some medicines. Most of the replies were spot on, but then suddeny those words appeared... "BDSM is about more than sex..." Well, Duh! The original poster did not say "All I want is sex" So why in the middle of this girls cry for help did someone feel the need to go there?
It irks me when I read that, especially when the problem being discussed WAS sexual! It wasn't a problem with the dynamic of D/s. It was 'Hey, I need it, he doesn't right now, how do I cope?" She wasn't asking for advice on how to submit more, she was asking if she was okay for her feelings in the matter.

I am NOT saying it IS all about sex, I love the power exchange, the D/s, the look of adoration, the look of fear, the service, the intimacy, and all that is incorporated. But I am a sexual Dom, and people that always say "it's not about sex" seem to want to exclude a lot of poeple.

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A sub with too much time on her hands should spend more on their knees.

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 9:52:28 AM

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Vanilla sex is about more than sex, too. Those wacky nillas, you just can't trust 'em.

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(in reply to DomDG)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 9:55:29 AM

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absolutely some relationships are all about the sexxors. that can be fun, too, as long as both parties understand that's whats going on. and absolutely its no fun when you have a decent relationship going on and suddenly...no sex. been there, done that, hated it.

BDSM is about more than sex. you can have a decent relationship, nay a GOOD relationship with no sex whatsoever. been there, done that, and was fine with it because it was a medical issue not a rejection one.

personally, i want the whole shebang. BDSM, power exchange, bondage, domination, gimme gimme gimme.

and i'm overjoyed to belong to and be married to someone whose needs entertwine with mine nearly exactly.

kitten

(in reply to DomDG)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 10:06:58 AM

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Imo, while it is true that "It's not all about sex", sex certainly has a prevalent part in things. Balance, holism, context.
Davan

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RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 10:11:24 AM

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From: California
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Her question was about sex. Specificallly about sex. Why would anyone say her relationship was about more than sex? She knows that. She has a question about SEX.

Cali
(surprised that "sex" is so hard to focus on for some peeps)

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to DavanKael)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 10:15:39 AM

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomDG

I read that all the time when someone says anything about sexuality in the life. It never fails that someone will say, "well this life...", "bdsm is...." "D/s is..." etc. But why do people feel the need to say that? Is not every long term relationship about more than sex?

But aren't some of the relationships about nothing BUT sex? I mean I know people that hook up with the knowledge that this play session, this meeting is about getting us both turned on and going at it like rabbits!

In a recent post on another group a brave girl lamented a physical/emotional reaction that her SO is having since going on some medicines. Most of the replies were spot on, but then suddeny those words appeared... "BDSM is about more than sex..." Well, Duh! The original poster did not say "All I want is sex" So why in the middle of this girls cry for help did someone feel the need to go there?
It irks me when I read that, especially when the problem being discussed WAS sexual! It wasn't a problem with the dynamic of D/s. It was 'Hey, I need it, he doesn't right now, how do I cope?" She wasn't asking for advice on how to submit more, she was asking if she was okay for her feelings in the matter.

I am NOT saying it IS all about sex, I love the power exchange, the D/s, the look of adoration, the look of fear, the service, the intimacy, and all that is incorporated. But I am a sexual Dom, and people that always say "it's not about sex" seem to want to exclude a lot of poeple.

it's not about exclusion, it's about differentiating. there's a monumental difference between someone who engages in bdsm activities, enjoys topping and bottoming, has sadistic or masochistic tendencies, is into "kinky" sex and sub/dom play, and someone who simply IS dominant or submissive by nature, for whom D/s permeates all aspects of their lives because it is natural and omnipresent as their eye or skin color.

so while there may be a multitude of interests shared at times on both sides, the difference between the two cultures if you will are so great that we cannot all be comfortably shoved under one banner or umbrella as if we are united in a common lifestyle. this can make things very confusing and frustrating, particularly so for newbies who don't yet know which end is up. this is why i do believe it's important for people to continue to speak up and say, "it's not all about the sex," because there will always be proclaimations from ten others who will insist that for them, it is all about the sex and kink.

(in reply to DomDG)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 10:43:32 AM

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Did you post this on fetlife also?

There's a strong counter culture streak that wants to make Ds and Ms a legitimate relationship and does so by divorcing it from the sex aspect.
Polyamorous people do it all the time also.

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RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 10:47:37 AM

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quote:

(surprised that "sex" is so hard to focus on for some peeps)

I think for some people, their interest in SM is simply a ploy to find sex... so they need so keep saying it's about more than sex to prevent other's from seeing through their scheme...

For other's, sex isn't a part of many of their play sessions, and they are eager for other's to understand that...

Then there are those who are too shallow to follow a specific thread per the point... and pollute it with their every half related thought...

And of course there are at least a dozen other perspectives for it to come from...

We have to remember, this is the internet and any half whit can create a profile and start jabbering.......

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 11:00:15 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NCNutCase

We have to remember, this is the internet and any half whit can create a profile and start jabbering.......

I was going to say that, but I didn't want a barrage of fingers pointing at me......

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to NCNutCase)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 11:13:34 AM

DomDG

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Did you post this on fetlife also?

Yes I did, I just thought it would be a good post here as well.

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A sub with too much time on her hands should spend more on their knees.

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RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 11:20:42 AM

DomDG

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Joined: 8/30/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Her question was about sex. Specificallly about sex. Why would anyone say her relationship was about more than sex? She knows that. She has a question about SEX.

Cali
(surprised that "sex" is so hard to focus on for some peeps)

And in the case of this person's post it was about her feelings when He was unable to perform or show his desire for due to his medication. It wasn't about 'he doesn't love me, he's bored with me'. It was about something that was out of their control at this time.

I think people assume that when someone in the life says "sex" that they are only in it for the "sex". As those that know me in real life can attest, I am all about the D/s, the dynamics and all the trappings. I can top a person and not have sex. I can even help a subbie learn new things without making it sexual. But people seem to assume that if person A says "i get turned on by..." then they must be only in it for the sex.

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D
A sub with too much time on her hands should spend more on their knees.

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 12:30:20 PM

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Yep, I know DomDG in real life... I'll attest to that.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to DomDG)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 12:46:20 PM

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BDSM is not a religion. It is patterns of behavior. At the core of it is not some super secret BDSM coven murmmering unintelligibly while they abuse some poor, virginal subbly. The only requirements for calling it BDSM are:
1. Bondage
2. Discipline
3. Sadism
4. Masochism.

That means that the guy who ties his GF up and spanks her ass is engaging in 2 (possibly 3) of 4. It is still BDSM. Any other meaning than the 4 above meanings is self-defined, and subject to the perception of the definer. I have noticed a plethora of BDSM snobbers who seek to somehow inflate their status and their egos by looking down on anyone who doesn't "live" the bdsm. Get real, people. Pull your head out of your sci-fi fantasy "reality" and join us all here in actual reality. You believing you are better than someone because for you it's "not about the sex" doesn't make it so.

For us, it is about the sex. We freaking love the sex. We have the sex every day, think about the sex all the time, and when we are done having the sex, we talk about it. We are two people who proudly wave our leather banner and declare, "Thank God it's about the sex! Let's fuck!!!"

Do we have a lifestyle? Sure we do. I get up and go to work, and he gets up and does his work, I come home, we have dinner, we entertain ourselves, and then we fuck. It's an awesome lifestyle, low stress and full of fulfillment. It's not about the BDSM, it's about the him and me and the sex.

Yay sex!!

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(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 1:01:28 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Her question was about sex. Specificallly about sex. Why would anyone say her relationship was about more than sex? She knows that. She has a question about SEX.

Cali
(surprised that "sex" is so hard to focus on for some peeps)

Because you...the generic you...might be considered to be "shallow" if the sexual part of the relationship is uppermost in your mind at any point in time, because you might be seen as being wrong for being concerned about something that "isn't that big of a part" of a "good" relationship, etc., etc..

Personally, I call B. S. on the idea that sex isn't an integral, important part of most relationships (on a romance level, on a BDSM level, on a combined romantic & BDSM level). Human beings, while being evolved to a higher level than most animals, are still of the animal kingdom. We can wrap all the pretty things around the basic drive as much as we want to but that does not stop nor eliminate the basic drive that brings two or more people together. Don't get me wrong, I ENJOY all the frills...the conversation, the love, the understanding, the D/s, the companionship...but I also enjoy what is at the core of my interactions with someone I am attracted to as a partner.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 1/20/2009 1:06:44 PM >

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 1:13:29 PM

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I've heard it said that sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. And in my experience, that's very frequently true. People will go on in a less than perfect relationship, fantasizing about something better, but making do with their spouse as long as they are physically satisfied. But when the sex stops, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

And the same thing is true here. If you didn't sign up for a sexless relationship, you will feel angry and resentful when suddenly that's what you have. As far as the post referred to that started this; if somebody loves you, really loves you, then they won't mind giving you a hand to be happy. Or a tongue or a vibrator. When a man says he isn't interested and thus he doesn't give a flying fuck if you are satisfied or not, that says a lot about the relationship. And none of it good.

My relationship is a full one. I'm just fully menopausal which means for the last two years my libido was frequently in hiding. I didn't tell him he had to suffer, I was happy to get him off. He's been coughing this week and his libido tanked as a result of the cough medicine. But when I'm squirming around, he's more than happy to stroke me before we cuddle up to sleep. Because sex is important in a relationship that started with sex as one of the basic tenets.

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RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 3:09:04 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: NCNutCase

We have to remember, this is the internet and any half whit can create a profile and start jabbering.......

I was going to say that, but I didn't want a barrage of fingers pointing at me......

Cali

can i point my fingers at you if i'm preparing to tickle you?

you're priceless, cali. and i mean that in the best way. *huggles*

kitten

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 3:42:59 PM

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It would stand to reason, that if my sexual relationship becomes less sexual, I would be concerned. Nothing wrong with that. If a question is posed about sex, then the answer should be about sex. Call me simple, but it makes sense to me.

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RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 4:04:05 PM

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In my neck of the woods its ALL about sex =L=

It`s the dance that leads to...it...

The hunger...

Who gives a rats ass what others think...

(in reply to DomDG)

RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 5:17:36 PM

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I had another thought... if someone had a question about bondage, would people feel compelled to say, "you know, there's so much more to BDSM than bondage"... I think not so much. If they did, people would say, "WTF? They had a question about BONDAGE!"

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: "About more than sex?" - 1/20/2009 5:24:38 PM

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Yup they would. I have seen it happen a bunch of times. AND people telling the OP that they are sick, stupid, fakers, wannabes, and vanilla. Then they start in about the size of their genitalia, their mother's married status and their father's species.

I tend to recommend checking the bonds to make sure that blood can still flow and that any inversion is monitored closely.

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If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
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(in reply to CalifChick)

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