Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom?

Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (Full Version)

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WiseCracknSadist -> Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:10:00 PM)
I was recently approached by a person who said that I was not a true Dom because in one of my journal entries I said that a sub should do what he or she was asked to do. The point they wanted to make was that a Dom doesn't ask for anything. In my opinion there is no reason not to be civil, even in a Dom/sub relationship. Just because my statements come with question marks. Does not mean they carry less weight if my sub does not carry out my wishes she will be dealt with and disciplined accordingly. What is your opinion? Does one have to command to earn the respect and submission of a sub or can one be a Dom by exercising control and civility?

mc1234 -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:11:15 PM)
A dominant earns my respect and, a few, my submission, through their control and civility, among other attributes.

DrSysAdmin -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:15:14 PM)
Acting like an ass only makes the person acting in such a way - actually be one. There is nothing Dominant in that. There are times strictness is required, but to demand without a foundation of respect is immature.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:26:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist I was recently approached by a person who said that I was not a true Dom because in one of my journal entries I said that a sub should do what he or she was asked to do. The point they wanted to make was that a Dom doesn't ask for anything. In my opinion there is no reason not to be civil, even in a Dom/sub relationship. Just because my statements come with question marks. Does not mean they carry less weight if my sub does not carry out my wishes she will be dealt with and disciplined accordingly. What is your opinion? Does one have to command to earn the respect and submission of a sub or can one be a Dom by exercising control and civility? My opinion is that a Dominant can be commanding and do so in a civil manner. As you stated, I also feel that just because there is a question mark in something I've asked for "would you please get me a cup of coffee", it doesn't make it any less of a command then "get me a cup of coffee now". Just because the first statement has courtesy attached to it doesn't make it any less of a command...with the properly understood dynamic between a couple...than the second statement. Differing delivery is all. Are there times I don't ask? Plenty. Technically, "please get me a cup of coffee" is not asking, it is telling someone to do something with a term of courtesy thrown in front of it. Are there times I veer away from the courtesy? Sure but I don't automatically adapt an uncivil tone. Part of the fun I have in/out of a scene is sometimes telling a submissive to do the most outrageous/nasty/naughty/masochistic things while doing so with a smile and a civil tone but, there are those same times when I will tell her to do something WITHOUT the courtesy, without the civility but in a tone that growls or commands; that is harsh without being rude; that brooks no disobedience but accomplishes its goal without sneering degradation. To each their own but I'd rather do the variety with the erring towards the "gentlemanly but firm dominant" than the "rude, demanding, always-on-edge" dominant.

rubberpet -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:26:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist I was recently approached by a person who said that I was not a true Dom because in one of my journal entries I said that a sub should do what he or she was asked to do. The point they wanted to make was that a Dom doesn't ask for anything. In my opinion there is no reason not to be civil, even in a Dom/sub relationship. Just because my statements come with question marks. Does not mean they carry less weight if my sub does not carry out my wishes she will be dealt with and disciplined accordingly. What is your opinion? Does one have to command to earn the respect and submission of a sub or can one be a Dom by exercising control and civility? I believe that a dominant who exercises control, elegance, and class can earn more respect than one that has to "try and lay down the law". In my relationship, Mistress is very sweet and mellow. She doesn't have to raise her voice or act like a bitch to get me to do things for her. I love doing things for her to start with, so she knows all she has to do is ask for something. Her asking is the same as a command to me. On top of everything else, I'm much more likely to do something for anyone, whether dominant or submissive, if the person is civil and pleasant. If the person is barky and just trying to establish "who's boss", chances are I'd chuckle a bit and tell them to get bent.

TheHeretic -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:30:00 PM)
The dominant is the one who gets his/her/their way. The methodolgy is a matter of personal tastes, and personal opinions.

wisdom58 -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:32:40 PM)
quote: Does one have to command to earn the respect and submission of a sub or can one be a Dom by exercising control and civility? Depends on the sub. Some want/need that level of objectification in most/all interactions. Others will not cede power to you if you initially approach them that way. For them, such behavior is a non-starter. Have you been successful in your approach? If so, then who cares what others think about it? More fundamentally, I think successful D/s relationships require more authenticity than many vanilla ones. So, you gotta be who you are, regardless.

ALAstella -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:39:55 PM)
Not wishing to offend anyone but after reading some of the threads here on these boards, including from a dom who wants to help his potential male slave get his dick chopped off without medical aid, and another who genuinely believes that a slave is very much like property to be taken by anyone I'm inclined to wonder whether being being bat shit crazy makes it easier to be a dom. stella

VeryNastyDom -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:40:23 PM)
quote: The dominant is the one who gets his/her/their way. That sums it up nicely. You can be a perfect gentleman, civil, sadistic, nasty, and dominant all at the same time. The terms are not mutually exclusive unless you want them to be.

welcomerain -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:44:32 PM)
Being dominant means getting what you want most of the time, not pounding your feet and threatening to hold your breath until you get it. Politeness will you better results than rudeness just about all the time. Any "dominant" who dismisses the importance of politeness is barely a dominant at all. It's fair to say that people you deal with may need an occasional kick in the butt and you need to be ready to give it, but if that's the only tool in your toolbox, you'll be sunk pretty quickly.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:45:00 PM)
I've had the same comments levied in my direction at times, as I am rather genteel by nature most of the time (though I can cuss like a sailor under certain circumstance) and tend to phrase even commands using terms like "please" and "thank you". I've been told that isn't very "dom(me)ly", but you know what, I have no question about my authority orientation, so they're welcome to their opinion, and I will go on directing my servants as I see fit. If someone else doesn't like it, they can manage their own servants the way they choose. So short answer... no, one doesn't have to be rude or be an ass to be dominant in a relationship.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:49:19 PM)
Hello Wise Crackin, There are times when Mistress will say "you might want to X" to me and I start thinking about X cause after all I might want to... right? Then she says, "no, no. That wasn't a suggestion." Oh that's an order. oops. It's her style. I'm learning her style. Usually she makes the suggestion order when it's something I don't really want to do because it is something I struggle with (not because I am defiant). Part of the process of togetherness is learning style. I rather enjoy civility... humor... clarity. Now I know the style, I can adapt my thinking around it. So I'm gonna say the short answer to your question is this... A dominant and a bully are not the same thing. Have a good day, sunshine

agirl -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 12:57:48 PM)
M wouldn't be a true Dom then ........and thank god for that. It would be SO dull if he did. I would never go for a true Dom.....lol They sound as boring as fuck. agirl

agirl -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 1:00:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ALAstella Not wishing to offend anyone but after reading some of the threads here on these boards, including from a dom who wants to help his potential male slave get his dick chopped off without medical aid, and another who genuinely believes that a slave is very much like property to be taken by anyone I'm inclined to wonder whether being being bat shit crazy makes it easier to be a dom. stella Definitely makes it easier to be owned.......LOL agirl

StrangerThan -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 1:01:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ALAstella Not wishing to offend anyone but after reading some of the threads here on these boards, including from a dom who wants to help his potential male slave get his dick chopped off without medical aid, and another who genuinely believes that a slave is very much like property to be taken by anyone I'm inclined to wonder whether being being bat shit crazy makes it easier to be a dom. stella LOL. That just about made me spew my coffee on my screen. Evidently you missed the one who wanted to pour hot candle wax into his sub's colon and let it harden. Thanks for the laugh. I needed that.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 1:05:33 PM)
The real issue I find is that a lot of sub women want a little bit of an asshole, or confuse a bit of asshole behavior with strong dom behavior. The fact is, if asshole didn't find partners, they'd stop being assholed or would be perpetually single. Obviously a lot of people really like assholes.

MasterLark -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 1:09:58 PM)
quote: Does one have to command to earn the respect and submission of a sub or can one be a Dom by exercising control and civility? If you exercise control and civility (A), you then command respect and submission (B). A leads to B, but B doesn't necessarily lead to A. Being a quiet, civil Dom or Master isn't an oxymoron. Being an arrogant, domineering Dom or Master is.

agirl -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 1:21:12 PM)
..and there's the define arse-hole thing. MY arse-hole isn't YOUR arse-hole. I know people that think M is an arse because he's mean and cruel. If anyone paid too much attention to this, there'd be a raft of very dull homogenous couplings. Vive la difference. agirl

myotherself -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 1:25:52 PM)
I've met Dominants and I've met arrogant, self-absorbed, bullying arseholes. Both groups describe themselves as Dominant on cm. IMHO the two are mutually exclusive.

IronBear -> RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? (1/24/2009 1:35:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheHeretic The dominant is the one who gets his/her/their way. The methodolgy is a matter of personal tastes, and personal opinions. This sums things up nicely. BTW No, you don't have to be an arse-hole to be a Dom but you need to have one...... Just a thought.. [8\|]

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