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female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 8:47:14 AM

DominantXY

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Joined: 7/1/2008
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My girl is confident, intelligent, stable, highly sexual, easily aroused, very imaginative and creative. She has no "underlying" issues to speak of and is probably one of the more well adjusted individuals I have had the good fortune to know.
She has a very difficult time acheiving orgasm and has had this issue her entire life. When she masturbates, she can come fairly quickly, but with a partner it can take almost an hour of (indirect) clitoral stimulation. It doesn't bother me at all, I'm happy to take whatever time I need to make her cum. It is, however, very frustrating for her and is becoming an issue (to her).
A few years ago she begain to notice that she has a rather small clitoris. We have both began to wonder if perhaps it is a blood flow issue/hormonal issue or something related..
Does anyone know the best type of medical professional to go to for help or guidance?

Sex therapist? Gynocologist? Urologist? Holistic medicine?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated..

Post #: 1

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 8:52:42 AM

T1981

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I'm the same way - takes me forever to orgasm when it's "done" by another person - but my husband and I have learned to work around it by focusing on other pleasant sensations for me. (for me, that usually translates into some extra time being beaten). I'm not sure why it takes me so long, we've just chalked it up to it being that's how my body works and tried to not focus on orgasm as the ending point for me.

It is occasionally frustrating for me, though, because so often I want to "give" him an orgasm to show him how good he is, but he's learned not to take it personally and that it isn't a gauge of how good or bad he is in bed, it's just the way my body is wired.

I would be curious to know, though, what IS the average length of time a woman has clitoral stimulation before she orgasms? Just to satisfy my own morbid curiosity......

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(in reply to DominantXY)

Post #: 2

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 8:56:17 AM

marie2

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From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantXY

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated..

Maybe try using a vibrator on her (if you haven't already.)

(in reply to DominantXY)

Post #: 3

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 8:58:59 AM

DominantXY

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Joined: 7/1/2008
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Just to clarify, we own (and have burned out) every type of vibrator there is, including 2 hitachis.

My question isn't how to make her cum, it's that SHE wants to see a professional and we are unsure where to begin and thought someone here might have had a similar experience.

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 4

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 9:07:26 AM

Katchoo

Posts: 57
Joined: 11/11/2007
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If she is able to orgasm quickly when she does it herself but not when someone else does, it is either a mental block (comfort level) or technique.

You don't have to have "underlying issues" as you mentioned to experience this, it's just easier to get yourself off because you are able to feel what is happening in your own body and mind and respond to it...

If technique is the issue, get her to teach you how she masturbates. All clitoral stimulation is not created equally. Watch what she is doing to herself and how she is doing it... if you can copy that it should solve the problem.

If it is a mental thing, likely she is psyching herself out, which is common but a harder thing to conquer. Relaxation, communication, intimacy and trust are key...

(in reply to DominantXY)

Post #: 5

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 9:08:24 AM

sassysweet

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Joined: 9/12/2008
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i can cum quite easily by myself..as often as i want...
BUT when with someone else it takes me about 30 minutes or so for one orgasm no matter how turned on i am.
In fact, rarely do i even cum when with another person. It doesnt take away from the intimacy or how good it feels. i think its just me.
The one Dom i was with could make me cum pretty easily and i would even squirt. But he would allow me to just be comfortable and i found out for myself that when i was able to suck him for as long as i wanted that it helped me be extremely excited and then when He would gently suck and hold my clit in his mouth i would cum hard.
So, my suggestion is to allow her to enjoy what makes her feel the most comfortable and turned on first.
The fact that she can cum alone is a sign its not really physical so i wouldnt worry about the size issue or hormones.
Some men (and some in my past personally) make a woman feel awkward that it takes her a long time. But when i was finally with someone who didnt care how long then i didnt focus on "getting it over with" to please him. i even had one guy say "finally" when i came..like it was a chore for him. Needlesstosay, i am not with him.

and chalked it up to experience.
Sometimes, women are taught that its best to just "fake" it to make him feel better or to not hurt His ego...so we lose sight of our needs....does that make sense?

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 6

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 9:17:30 AM

Katchoo

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Joined: 11/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantXY

Just to clarify, we own (and have burned out) every type of vibrator there is, including 2 hitachis.

My question isn't how to make her cum, it's that SHE wants to see a professional and we are unsure where to begin and thought someone here might have had a similar experience.

I'd ask community members in your area if they know a good sex therapist.

As to the first part of this post, vibrators have been known to cause loss of sensitivity...

(in reply to DominantXY)

Post #: 7

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 9:20:06 AM

Lynnxz

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Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
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I'm the same way... it's not that there's anything wrong, it's just the way I'm wired.

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(in reply to Katchoo)

Post #: 8

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 9:26:15 AM

faithfulfemme

Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
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my clit has has her own damn agenda when it comes to climaxing. she cums only when she is good and ready, and nothing i can do in my head will change that.

i have discovered over the years that when i'm in a new relationship, she prefers a "long engagement", and it's only after she has decided that the guy has honorable intentions, and indeed loves me that she will finally give it up.

sassysweet, i'm so sorry that that clod of a guy had to made you feel like it was a chore to help you cum.....how rude!! Glad you kicked him to the curb. i would have made him get up right that moment and get out of the house, or wherever you were.....'course if you were at his house, oh well....

...

Had a couple of relationships where i was given all the time i needed, and found this really works for me. No pressure, No worries, and it's a whole lot easier for me to cum. Wish more guys would get that in their heads....

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Trust is neither wishing nor hoping; it is a deep sense of honor in another.

(in reply to sassysweet)

Post #: 9

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 9:32:56 AM

LaTigresse

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First of all, there is nothing disfunctional about her. Like others have said, if she orgasms quickly on her own then it is a comfort level with you, or technique issue. Not knowing either of you, all we could do is guess.

I would bet money she knows why there is a difference, but is just uncomfortable discussing it.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DominantXY)

Post #: 10

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 9:42:41 AM

CuddlyCreative

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Joined: 1/21/2009
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As others have already pointed out, if she can come easily by herself and not with you, then clearly the longer time it takes during sex with a partner is not an issue of her clit size or hormones. I do not believe this is an issue for a medical professional.

There's actually nothing inherently wrong with taking an hour to cum, and lots of fun can be had along the way. Men tend to make sex into a race, with the finish line being orgasm.

Frankly, I don't get a good feeling from the fact that you're bending over backwards to assure us that this is entirely her issue and has nothing to do with you. If there is even an issue, it is your issue as a couple to work out. Don't spend time assigning blame.

Some men feel that their partner having an orgasm is proof of their own skills or virility. When men view it as such, they pressure their partner, whether they realize it or not. Such pressure, ironically, leads to an atmosphere where a woman is less likely to cum.

Before rushing off to see a "medical professional" to "fix her problem", I wish you would temporarily put your ego away in its carrying case, and consider what YOU can do to make things better. You may be pressuring her without realizing it. Or, she may have experienced pressure with previous partners that has caused anxiety with you. (Don't be too quick to discount the first possibility!)

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 11

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 10:11:41 AM

DominantXY

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Joined: 7/1/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuddlyCreative

As others have already pointed out, if she can come easily by herself and not with you, then clearly the longer time it takes during sex with a partner is not an issue of her clit size or hormones. I do not believe this is an issue for a medical professional.

There's actually nothing inherently wrong with taking an hour to cum, and lots of fun can be had along the way. Men tend to make sex into a race, with the finish line being orgasm.

Frankly, I don't get a good feeling from the fact that you're bending over backwards to assure us that this is entirely her issue and has nothing to do with you. If there is even an issue, it is your issue as a couple to work out. Don't spend time assigning blame.

Some men feel that their partner having an orgasm is proof of their own skills or virility. When men view it as such, they pressure their partner, whether they realize it or not. Such pressure, ironically, leads to an atmosphere where a woman is less likely to cum.

Before rushing off to see a "medical professional" to "fix her problem", I wish you would temporarily put your ego away in its carrying case, and consider what YOU can do to make things better. You may be pressuring her without realizing it. Or, she may have experienced pressure with previous partners that has caused anxiety with you. (Don't be too quick to discount the first possibility!)

I mistakenly thought that by posting very clearly that I DON'T think she has a problem and that SHE is the one who has decided that she wants to see if there is indeed a medical fix.
(hormonal imbalance, restricted blood flow, etc.)
I am not bothered in the least by the fact it takes her a long time. But she is. Whatever my opinion is, I respect the fact that she has always been bothered by this issue, long before we ever met, and she wants to get to the bottom of it. (Whether it's learning tantric methods, seeing a Dr. etc)
We have been together for 5 years in a very mutually satisfying relationship with a solid base of respect, admiration and love.
We communicate very effectively and we try to have a good understanding of each others' "Love Languages".
She is my best friend and the most intelligent person that I know. I am a better man for knowing her. She doesn't have an account here and asked me if I would create a thread about this to get some ideas.

As far as I am aware, my ego has nothing to do with this. If I am doing something inadvertantly to cause her anxiety over this, I 'd like to figure that out too. Would I like to be able to pound my chest and be able to make her cum in a short amount of time? Of course I would.

Now, is there anyone out there that will please believe me, take me at my word, and just share their own experiences with this issue?

(in reply to CuddlyCreative)

Post #: 12

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 10:17:33 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Ob/gyn to start with to have normal hormone levels checked; estrogen, testosterone, etc.

If nothing wrong there, then a referral to a female urologist specializing in sexual dysfunction. Most urologists specialize in male issues, you need to find one who does women's.

However, judging by your age, and assuming she's a couple of years younger, there could be nothing wrong. It is not uncommon for women under 30 to be unable to orgasm or to have extreme difficulty doing so except alone.

Oh, and what birth control is she using? Because if it's anything hormonal, then that's the most obvious suspect.

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(in reply to DominantXY)

Post #: 13

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 12:31:47 PM

sassysweet

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Joined: 9/12/2008
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Thanks faithfulfemme...for you kindness..and yes, He was sent to the curb from my house..lol..im glad he's gone.

i do wish more men were able to handle a girl not cumming. Its not really a sign that they are not man enough..its just sometimes, its not gonna happen.

And i agree with LaTigress that the girl probably knows already how to fix this...but maybe doesnt want to get into why its happening..for different reasons..maybe she feels pressure. Oh my!...Just had a thought, wouldnt it be something that in the back of her mind maybe..just maybe its her way of being slightly in control?..(not accusing mind you..just a thought)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 1:36:27 PM

Maya2001

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From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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as long as she is able to bring her own self to orgasm relatively quickly ..that would indicate mechanically everything is functioning just fine...

I would say there are couple issues going on
1) performance anxiety..the desire to please by having an orgasm is causing her anxiety so she is not full able to let herself go
2) distractions when she is doing herself ,,, her mind is totally focused on her touch, rhythm, pressure and speed everything else is black out during her self stim, when your doing there are other distractions you breathing, noises movements. so her focus is not total which means during the other distractions her mind can wander outside of just feeling sensations, even a brief second distract can bring you down off the crest....

3) .porn has probably been a downfall for many women beleiving we should be having these multiple mega orgasms.... which on porn is faked.. so the woman starts to feel substandard because she is not achieving these huge vocal O's like they see in porn.. so they get in their mind ...what is wrong with me??

so a fair bit is psychological not physical

I dd not start having O's with a partner until my 40's which is when a woman is heading into peri menopausal ... it is at that time women tend to become a lot more hornier as the body is winding down and saying last chance .. last chance to become pregnant and it tends to also be a time when a women orgasms much easier as the ultimate feel good they wqant more repeat performances which is natures way of encouraging the last pregancy(s)... many woman will orgasm easier from g-spot stim than clitorial stim with a partner

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Post #: 15

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 1:49:52 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

DominantXY
I am not bothered in the least by the fact it takes her a long time. But she is. Whatever my opinion is, I respect the fact that she has always been bothered by this issue, long before we ever met, and she wants to get to the bottom of it.

From a totally different perspective, and issue; if your submissive wants to know why for so long this has been an issue, support her in the journey of digging into the possible pain of an event and thus the sexual behaviour. I am not saying sexual abuse of childhood. Any childhood event could have left this type of "problem."
I am not sure a sex therapist is the right way. A caring, nonjudgmental and honest therapist will be able to help.

Sometimes we think that sexual issues probably stem from sexual abuse or need a sex therapist. That is our societal values speaking loudly to us. If she wants a therapist, shop for one. I went through 4 before I found the one who has is nonjudgmental about my submission, my sexual habits and about my faith values.

I hope I offered some tid bit of hope.

(in reply to sassysweet)

Post #: 16

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 2:58:44 PM

VeryNastyDom

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Joined: 9/23/2006
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Given what you have said, it seems that she is not getting enough stimulation from intercourse, but her fingers do just fine. That may be a function of the way she is put together (the position of the clitoral hood over the clitoris itself) and nothing more. Sometimes this is easily corrected by a bit of minor surgery to expose the clit to more direct stimulation. An OB-GYN experienced in these issues is the place to start.

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 17

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 3:01:33 PM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
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From: Atlanta
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Really? You'd suggest someone snipping away at her just because she's slow to orgasm?

Yikes.

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Post #: 18

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 3:08:24 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantXY

My girl is confident, intelligent, stable, highly sexual, easily aroused, very imaginative and creative. She has no "underlying" issues to speak of and is probably one of the more well adjusted individuals I have had the good fortune to know.
She has a very difficult time acheiving orgasm and has had this issue her entire life. When she masturbates, she can come fairly quickly, but with a partner it can take almost an hour of (indirect) clitoral stimulation. It doesn't bother me at all, I'm happy to take whatever time I need to make her cum. It is, however, very frustrating for her and is becoming an issue (to her).
A few years ago she begain to notice that she has a rather small clitoris. We have both began to wonder if perhaps it is a blood flow issue/hormonal issue or something related..
Does anyone know the best type of medical professional to go to for help or guidance?

Sex therapist? Gynocologist? Urologist? Holistic medicine?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated..

How about more direct stimulation?

Have you ever watched her masturbate? I mean really watched her....not cheered her along. Watch exactly how she holds herself, what she does with her fingers, how wet she likes herself to be, how fast her fingers move, in what direction? Try to mimic what she does.

If her clit indeed is small, it can be really beneficial for the sensation to GENTLY pull the hood back while stimulating her to expose more of the shaft of the clit. That can be exquisite when done properly.

One thing that bugs me.....if my partner is blatantly trying to "make me cum", has his head propped up on one elbow watching tv while the other hand cranks along like a piece of machinery, that's a big turnoff. I need to feel that hes really into me and enjoys what he's doing, not that he's just trying to get me off.

If she's open to talking, try some experimenting with different strokes, pressures, speeds, amounts of wetness (use lube is you have to...nothing feels worse than being rubbed when you're dry). Ask her to show you what feels really delicious so you can try to duplicate that sensation. She really shouldn't be just lying back and hoping for the best. Her input is very important.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 2/8/2009 3:18:05 PM >

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(in reply to DominantXY)

Post #: 19

RE: female sexual dysfunction question - 2/8/2009 4:41:13 PM

subangi

Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
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I had the decreased sensitivity problem with my vibrator...thank God it was electric..had the most wonderful orgasms. But, with a man no matter how excited and horny i was, i could not orgasm with his oral and hand stimulation. One of my initial times getting anal while stimulating my clit, sent me through the roof with the greatest orgasm ever!! I have found that other areas, not only anal have to be stimulated along with the clit to achieve a great O. Yes, and definitely not having the pressure of cumming as quickly as him.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 20

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