Maxwell67
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Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sexycelticlady
I get the impression in your situation that there is a power struggle going on from the point of view of your submissive. There appears to be a struggle in as far as separating the two different relationships concerned. Yes, this is my take on it as well, and one I know that I am going to have to accept responsibility for having a hand in creating. I am not satisfied with anything less than total submission, and she needed time to work out her own balance before she could feel entirely secure with that.
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Do you live together and have a 24/7 dynamic (I am guessing you don't as she has her own household)? No, we do not. That possibility is unlikely. She is married but poly, like myself. Her family has to come first in that regard. Again this is one of those places where I simply want her to do the best she can at being who she is, and I count that as service to me. One of my 'things' with my subs is simply the joy of helping them to achieve the fullness of who and what they are under my care.
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You mention tasks you gave her that she was unable to do, but it seems to me that she was prioritising others things and that led to a failure in the tasks. It also appears that she is holding onto her D side when submitting to you, and no wonder that is causing her problems. Oh, no, she did as I required of her, but it did not 'recharge her batteries' in the way that it should have. Instead she was simply exhausted by it all.
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I do not bring my D side to my Sir, although He does like to test me with regard to that, in no way will I ever feel dominant towards Him. Oh, she does not feel dominant toward Me in any way, and I do not feel a need to test her in that regard. In fact, the reasons we began to scene with each other in the first place included her knowledge that she would not be able to dominate or control me in any way, and that she would never be able to top from the bottom with me.
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From what you have said it seems to me that maybe holding onto her D side is a protective mechanism she is using when she feels vulnerable. She needs to let it go or she will not fully submit to you and that will cause her confusion. Yes, and to some extent I understand this fear of vulnerability is a thing that Dominas sometimes have to deal with. But part of what I intend this relationship to be is a means for her to let go and be vulnerable. It seems pretty obvious she really needs that.
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I would avoid putting her in a position when you make her play in a submissive role towards you other slave unless you want to specifically confront this and then when she bottoms to her make it clear she is still submitting to you, at your command, not to the other slave. The relationship is with you. She says she wants to do this for you then do it. Her relationship, especially a past relationship with the other girl is irrelevent to her dynamic with you. The line needs to be made clear, in my opinion. That was, in truth, my intent for the scene. The fact it turned out to be a great turn-on for me may or may not be related to that also, but in any case, it was.
So now she has to decide if this is going to become a limit for her (which she does not want, and will no doubt cause her some guilt issues) or if she can fully internalize her submission to me to the point that she can accept the irrelevance of her previous relationship to this new dynamic. This matter is still up in the air right now and it as a real concern to all of us.
I may have moved too fast here. I wanted her to be able to top my other girl for me, but to know when she was doing it that she was still submitting to me (in effect exercising my control over all of her in a way that did not affect her dynamic with her own slaves). During the scene I attempted to have her tell my other girl exactly how she liked it.. to instruct her in pleasuring her. She did this but it was a half-hearted attempt at best. Ok, so perhaps I pushed things playing with the dynamic this way, telling my switch girl to top someone else from the bottom, with authority, for me. It was the twisted way in which the power flowed that made it such a powerful scene for me, but in retrospect, probably not the best idea. But she knew I was a sadist when we started. She knew I would find new ways to be cruel and that was something I enjoyed. She wanted that also.
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She will need some leyway to allow her freedom to play with her subs, but when she submits to you it must be a full submission, and you need to ensure it is a full submission, otherwise she will twist herself into knots as I think she may already be doing. She needs to understand that you will not damage her D side, only she can do that because only she is in control of her D and s sides. It is her choice. If she would do something a different way then that is her choice, but that should not stop her from doing it the way you want with you, if it does she is not submitting. And this is exactly what I have been attempting to achieve with her through scenes like the example I used. It really should have driven that point home for her, and I had very much hoped that once we did it she would be able to just let go, understanding that I would accept nothing less from her than total submission, but that she would still be completely free with hers. The idea was to create a 'safe' outlet for her to feel in no uncertain terms her full submition to me and my complete acceptance, support, and control over all of her being and not just one side of her.
Perhaps it did actually work. I have not attempted to recreate a similar dynamic yet so I do not really know. I decided it would be a good idea to check my methods against the experiences of others, here in CM before trying it again, just to be certain my tactics are sound.
< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 2/17/2009 1:15:45 PM >
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Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)
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