quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

You may be seeking... but you have so many misconceptions that it would be a long debate if one had to 'prove' anything to you.  One must truely be open to hearing what is said.  Preconceived idea's can be a stronghold... especially in an emotional situation like it sounds like you are in. 

This might take a bit of time... who knows... maybe someone can make something clear really fast... but I doubt I could.  Your mind seems very set.

I had a few mind set's myself and there is no way they were worked out on a thread... or overnight.  It is a personal thing...  I hope you will be open and are not trying to find something to argue with, with whoever it is you are having this touchy subject with...  Whatever the case... I wish you well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

My experience flies in the face of the idea that these are primarily predatory relationships.  My D/s relationships are the ones that I feel the most valued, understood, and free to be myself in.  I am switch, so I speak from both sides.  It is about honoring the inherent personalities of each other by meeting some very specific needs that tend to be shunned by others.  All the regular foundations of intimate relationships are still there like trust, respect, communication, and more, but it has been my experience that they are magnified in D/s relationships because of the level of risk involved.  I will not enter such a relationship lightly.

The media likes to focus on the negatives of everything.  Is there any reason to think that would not be the case here?  If you look, you can find wonderful studies that have been conducted showing how such relationships have the ability to really bring a lot of security and actually improve self esteem and self advocacy in the partners.  They are out there, but are harder to find.  They focus on people who do this on a far more serious level than casual play partners or online antics.  These are folks for whom this dynamic is lived out seamlessly in their lives together.  When it is done right,it is a beautiful thing and the pair could not be happier. 

If there is anything further I can offer, please let me know.

lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

To the OP

I might suggest reading this:

http://www.amazon.com/Different-Loving-Sexual-Dominance-Submission/dp/0679769560

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Not everyone addresses something in a dominant/submissive relationship with violence or punishment that includes something physical.

Think of dogs for example.  In a group of dogs, there is the alpha, the leader.  He/she may overpower the other's in some sense, but how they do it is often different.  Some simply take charge and other's let them.  Some challenge becasue they wish to be alpha and then there may be some struggle.  But typically there is a leader of the pack.  A dominant can simply be a leader of the pack... protecting and guiding the other's.

Each relationship in d/s or bdsm is different.  There is no hard rule on how things must go and what is involved.  Some do the kinky painful stuff... some do not.  Some are more controlled relationships, some are not.  Some are sadistic and some are not. Many of us share a bond of love that enhances things and some have no love involved. You get the picture.

To discribe in a post what it is like is not something that I know how to do.  It is something that includes a lot of things for different people and relationships.  But it isn't always how you are viewing things.  It isn't temper's uncontrolled in dominant people who only want what they want and who have no care for the submissive person.  Many of us hold ourselves to a high standard of accountablity and control. It isn't always about controlling another, but often about controlling ourselves.  Not that we are out of control, but that we have standards in which we wish to conduct our lives.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cosand

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

My experience flies in the face of the idea that these are primarily predatory relationships.  My D/s relationships are the ones that I feel the most valued, understood, and free to be myself in.  I am switch, so I speak from both sides.  It is about honoring the inherent personalities of each other by meeting some very specific needs that tend to be shunned by others.  All the regular foundations of intimate relationships are still there like trust, respect, communication, and more, but it has been my experience that they are magnified in D/s relationships because of the level of risk involved.  I will not enter such a relationship lightly.

The media likes to focus on the negatives of everything.  Is there any reason to think that would not be the case here?  If you look, you can find wonderful studies that have been conducted showing how such relationships have the ability to really bring a lot of security and actually improve self esteem and self advocacy in the partners.  They are out there, but are harder to find.  They focus on people who do this on a far more serious level than casual play partners or online antics.  These are folks for whom this dynamic is lived out seamlessly in their lives together.  When it is done right,it is a beautiful thing and the pair could not be happier. 

If there is anything further I can offer, please let me know.

lovingpet

I thank you so much for your input, and I value this type of discourse at this time more then you know.
You in fact, have nailed the epicenter of my confusion and skepticism:
As someone on the outside looking in, here is what I am faced with accepting:

The BEST of us men who try hard and seek to keep all issues and aspects of our relationships on a level playing field, and aspire to handle our partners as gently as one would handle a newborn kitten, and forgive and sympathize with mistakes and transgressions, and who base their realtionship on love and emotion, many times falter and fail miserably and take a lifetime to fine tune things

On the other hand, men who seek to dominate their partners and confiscate their will ( ll be it within established parameters) and punish transgressions with violence(all be it semi simulated) and arbitrary discipline, and whos relationship is by nature, sex-centric  are those most likely to succeed in a harmonies relationship, and there are most likely to be content and happy

Can you at least understand how that appears to be inverted and anti logical to a person not acclimated to that mindset ?

PLEASE tell me what I am missing here....….(asking in the most respectful and sincere way possible)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

LOL... dogma... I ended that shit with the church of this and that in religous circles!  You cannot prove I am evil!  I will admit it!  The thing is... many have some concept of those who are into d/s or bdsm that is formed from things often times outside of bdsm or d/s.  D/s can be found in just about everything.  Take an employee and employer.  Or football team... or parental relationship.  I love watching d/s throughout life and that is what helped me get over some of the issues I had.

I always thought that dominance was bad and that submission was weak.  I worked in domestic abuse and certain social issues/mental health.  I saw only the bad parts of dominance and submission.  Then I started seeing people I loved and respected involved.  I watched... I went anywhere I could learn about d/s and bdsm.  I was also wanting to do a story that included some of it.  I came to know more people and love more people, but what I also saw... was me.  I read about mostly dominant men and I knew I was like them.  They didn't try to hurt people with their dominance.

I had always been a leader type, dominant, but not abusive.  It was a struggle to come to terms with what I was, how I viewed it and the beauty I saw and was drawn to.  Once I got the beauty part down...omg! lol  I could not turn back!  I even realized that I had been living it at different times in my life without knowing there was a name for it!  I had two male wive's basically.  I worked, supported them for the most part and they took care of me.  I called the shots.  I didn't see it as anything more than a role reversal, but I did call the shots... so I was the dominant in the relationship!

Take some time... I really wish I had the links I used to have that helped me in my understanding of things.  You will see things that repulse you... but when you see the beauty... you just might be hooked too!  Just read... learn... keep an open mind and if you see something ugly that you cannot imagine anyone doing to another... which you will... remember... there is another side to it and most are doing it because they wish to.  Some might make you think they are sick and some might be... but most of us are just like anyone else, just a bit more open about some things and maybe... a bit more kinky.  It isn't all bad! lol

quote:

Not a day goes by, when I don’t have the impulse to seek out this guy who strikes my friend and lover with whips and beat him till he calls ME “sir” and I make him MY “little one”, and then see if he still thinks one person dominating another it’s such a good idea

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

I agree with Maya.  Some couples may need or enjoy there being some "reason" for the pain play to occur, but it has more to do with playing a mental game than really believing this to be so.  In general, a lot of people will concur that actual punishment (especially of a painslut) is more effective when it does NOT include pain or other sensations.  Chances are good that whatever pain she is receiving is fully consentual and even pleasurable to her. 

What strikes me is your last post wreaked of jealousy.  You referred to her as your friend and your lover.  The dominant was some outside force you had to defend her against.  You want to save her from this evil person who is doing all these horrible things to her.  You want to be her knight in shining armour and fight for her honor.  He, on the other hand, wants to honor her for exactly who and what she is.  Is she happy in this other relationship?  Has she asked for your help?  I think there is a far more intimate issue than your distaste of an alternative lifestyle.

Further, I have to wonder if you are wired to be able to accept a polyamorous relationship.  You seem to want her to choose one over the other.  She likely feels different vital needs are being met within each relationship on its own merits.  Not everyone can handle the idea of not being able to be everything to another person.  Some people are just hard wired for monogamy.  Talk to her about this if it is the case. 

How much could you accept what she does with her other partner if you did not have to see the marks and bruises?  I keep my body hidden from the view of those who may find my marks offensives or disturbing.  This is out of consideration for them.  One example I am thinking of, there was always some strange undercurrent after I had played and I actually had to sit down and talk out what was bothering the person.  It became clear that the person did not begrudge me my fun, but could not handle seeing the less than attractive evidence of it.  Many understand and will either avoid marks for their other partners or keep them tucked away until they heal.  Talk to her about it if you believe this is part of it.

I have someone in my life, very close to me, that makes similar comments about my choice to do this as well.  I don't know how often you say these things, but let me tell you how much it hurts.  You are not striking at an activity, an outside partner, or a hobby.  You are striking at the very core of who she is.  Being submissive in nature is not a choice, it is a basic component of the personality.  Being a masochist is not a choice either, it is the way the body and brain process pain.  The only choice is how she meets these needs.  Yes, I said it NEEDS.  These are not wants, desires, or fantasies.  Her psychological health is dependent on these things, possibly her physical health as well (I am that way).  You cannot possibly love her when you cannot accept who she really is.  Don't you see you are imposing YOUR will on her?  You are attempted to demand that she live by your standards and your rules.  This dominant may be hurting her, but you, my friend have harmed her, damaged her, with wounds on her heart that may never heal and will leave their mark for a very long time.

lovingpet   

quote:

ORIGINAL: cosand


Not a day goes by, when I don’t have the impulse to seek out this guy who strikes my friend and lover with whips and beat him till he calls ME “sir” and I make him MY “little one”, and then see if he still thinks one person dominating another it’s such a good idea

The sad fact is, unless I can come to terms with this, I am going to lose a friend that I love and cherish. It is possible that there is no resolution. It is just possible her “other” lifestyle and our relationship do not mix, and I may have to let her go for her own sake

Again, I thank you for your patiace with me..I guess I need to make some decisions

Thanks again

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: cosand


Not a day goes by, when I don’t have the impulse to seek out this guy who strikes my friend and lover with whips and beat him till he calls ME “sir” and I make him MY “little one”, and then see if he still thinks one person dominating another it’s such a good idea

The sad fact is, unless I can come to terms with this, I am going to lose a friend that I love and cherish. It is possible that there is no resolution. It is just possible her “other” lifestyle and our relationship do not mix, and I may have to let her go for her own sake

Again, I thank you for your patiace with me..I guess I need to make some decisions

Thanks again

I don't know if this will help or not...but perhaps a place to begin is acceptance of the fact that he is giving her something that she needs that by your very nature, you are unable to provide.

And before you make any drastic decisions you could decide to wait to decide until you have more information.
You could decide to tell her that you don't understand it...AND it scares you... but you really do want to understand.