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RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/15/2009 7:09:16 PM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

First WestBaySlave, do you have any suggestions and or remedies to offer?


You seem very polite and not at all the type who goes around ordering random strangers to call you Ma'am, and thus not in need from any advice from me, but as for offering advice in general, I'd say don't give orders to random strangers if uninvited.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs
Equal problem is when one has a screen name with sub, slave, mistress, master, etc., it is difficult for those to whom get 'slapped' per se, for using a label in a screen name and or scene name.  For me, the person to whom uses that title in a label, e.g. screen name/scene name; invites these issues.  Thus, I hope that realizing the problem of novices who are just so innocently trying hard to be accepted, will be given patience and guidence--and, not being blackballed for an error.


As for my screen name, I'd use my full name on here if I knew that the only people I was speaking to were the other people on Collarme, but I do reserve a bit of privacy given that these are open forums that anyone - including potential employers - can read. From the first point of private contact on - usually in the form of a message on this site or elsewhere - I use my real name. I have certainly never introduced myself as "WestBaySlave" to anyone in person; I think I'd probably have to stifle a laugh if I attempted it.

I have never told anyone off for ordering me to call them Sir. I've alternately either complied or politely said that I only took orders when I was in a relationship. I rarely do the latter anymore, as most dominants refused to speak with me after I said that. Now days I mostly comply for the sake of being agreeable and silently lose a bit of respect for the person in question.

In fact, I'd say that what's most disappointing about my initial pet peeve is not the way it effects my actions, but the way it effects my perception of the other person. Frankly, I think it's rude to give orders to strangers, and while that may just be the culture I grew up in talking, that's the culture many of the people who exhibit this peculiar trait grew up in too.


(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/15/2009 9:38:50 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you LadyHugs. 
I usually just say that I’m not comfortable addressing them that way.  If they are rude about it I don’t think very well of them!  As WestBaySlave said:
quote:

 In fact, I'd say that what's most disappointing about my initial pet peeve is not the way it effects my actions, but the way it effects my perception of the other person


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Profile   Post #: 62
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 3:58:26 AM   
MissAnimus


Posts: 91
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra
"Dominant, she should learn to be a woman"


That attitude. From men but especially from other women.

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Profile   Post #: 63
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 5:05:59 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarsBonfire

LadyPact, I'm not 100% sure about this, but I think they meant BDSM "conventions" as in traditional behavior or established routines within the BDSM community... Not "conventions" as in a meeting of BDSM enthusiasts...

Or am I the one who's got the wrong idea about the OP's question?



No, you're right, but some of people's convention experiences were interesting to hear anyhow.





No, I did get it, but I couldn't help but think of the other meaning as well, because one can rely on the other.  While they are not something that would interest everyone, there are some events that are specifically geared with a certain level protocol.  Formal dinners and other occasions where servers are expected to call Dominants as Ma'am or Sir.  For those who thrive on service, these can be excellent learning opportunities, as well as great head space for them (or so I'm told).

Plus, I just couldn't get the thought out of My head after reading Lynnx's post.  I was at the same convention and there's no mistake of who she was talking about.


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(in reply to WestBaySlave)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 6:17:17 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		"So, anything in your experience that's common yet off-putting?"

Let's see...
People that are determined to make their own definitions of things that HAVE a common definition
People that think and act as if manners were a bad thing and choose to be over familiar with everyone they meet or with whom they have interaction
SlA/ashY/y speak, at least to type, since it is so much effort to afford respect to so many that actually resent it.
The question "do people really buy this sh*t?" in a sex shop
People that assume Sadist and Dominant go hand in hand all the time and the converse.
People that look down on and disrespect people that choose to play in 'dungeons' rather than private house parties (and vice versa)
People that are rigid about their use of one acronym over another AND expect everyone to agree and that all variant sexuality and relationship types fall under that label.
People that assume swingers can't have a "real" interest in kink.
People that assume that "W/e" (giggle) can't have a 'real' interest in swinging or picnicking or other social cohesion activities.
People that assume that Submissives and Slaves are the same.
People that refuse to relate to a switch as a whole person and only relate to the Top/Dom or Bottom/Submissive aspect of the person.
People that freak about men cross dressing when women do it all the time.(just a general dislike of double standards there and there are tons of those)
People that think, or strongly believe, that they really do know all there is to know about 'stuff' and declaim loudly that anything that they don't do is fundamentally unsafe, crazy or bad. 
People that won't take the time to learn some basic safety about X, Y, or Z before doing it or having it done to them.
(Almost everything on Television)
The stereo-type that Goths are all into BDSM and the people that go to Goth clubs to get kinky sex, standing around drooling and leg humping.
The general dismissal of the Leather sub-culture and disdain of its social conventions.
People that are certain that EVERYONE should use the same emotional, mental and physical hierarchy about 'stuff' that they personally use (mostly common in new people, but still evident in some of the old timers.)
People that make the idea '...Not My Kink" sound dirty and judgmental and give lie to the phrase.
People that get their noses bent out of shape over and take it out of those around them when someone calls them the wrong honorific or doesn't use an honorific.
ANYONE that calls themselves Lord or Lady that doesn't have a hereditary right to it or has had it bestowed on them by a Country or Monarchy. Fantasy language is fine and wonderful, just don't expect me to call you Earl anything unless you ACTUALLY are Earl of wherever.
People who haven't bothered to learn to shake hands well.
People that constantly bang on about how much of their life is really 'vanilla', but that they are still 24/7. *me thinks the lady doth protest too much*

Shall I go on?



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Profile   Post #: 65
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 6:38:43 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		P/people not B/bothering to read p/p/p/p/profiles. Oh and slashy speak.

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(in reply to WestBaySlave)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 6:46:44 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		*kowtows to Stella* I KNEW i forgot one really big important one. 

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

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Profile   Post #: 67
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 7:41:42 AM   
MadameMarque


Posts: 1128
Joined: 3/19/2005
Status: offline 		This isn't a "convention," because it's not endorsed or codified behaviour.  But it's common.

As I watch someone approaching me at a scene event, I'm thinking, "Don't say it.  Don't say, 'What are you into?'"  I know, I know.  I don't really fault someone for thinking it's the way to begin.  It's a practical question, it's meant to save time.  If that's your best opening line to me, it'll save a lot of time.

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 7:47:11 AM   
MadameMarque


Posts: 1128
Joined: 3/19/2005
Status: offline 		About "conventional" ways of acting, in the scene, if you really are around in the scene long enough, you'll know that conventions and preferences vary from group to group, place to place, person to person.  Now, awareness of common human feelings is always appreciated, but even that can be subjective, to a point.  If I don't give other people a break, it's my failing, not theirs.



On Making Others Comfortable At a great London banquet, dear Queen Victoria lifted her finger bowl and drank the water. She had to. Her guest of honor, the Shah of Persia, had done it first. At a Washington embassy dinner party, the king of Morocco plunged his fingers into his teacup and wiped them on his napkin. He had to. His guest of honor, President Kennedy, had done it first. Then there was the time that Mrs. Grover Cleveland attempted to engage a tongue-tied guest in conversation by seizing on the nearest thing at hand, an antique cup of thinnest china. "We're very pleased to have these; they're quite rare and we're using them for the first time today," she is supposed to have said. "Really?" asked the distraught guest, picking up his cup and nervously crushing it in his hand. "Oh, don't worry about it," said the hostess. "They're terribly fragile. See?" She smashed hers. Mr. Grover Cleveland, on another social occasion, carefully added sugar and cream to his coffee, stirred it and poured some into his saucer. Observing this, all his guests felt obliged to do the same. There they all were, pouring their coffee into their saucers, when the President leaned down and put his saucerful on the floor for his dog.
 
Miss Manners relates these alarming incidents to illustrate a great danger. It is not the peril of serving watery tea, engaging in diplomacy with foreigners, permitting dogs in dining rooms or other such grand-scale hijinks. It is the terrible burden one assumes when attempting the practice of Making Others Feel Comfortable. Miss Manners is sensitive to this because she often hears the great and subtle art of etiquette described as being "just a matter of making other people feel comfortable." As if etiquette weren't magnificently capable of being used to make others feel uncomfortable.
- Judith Martin aka Miss Manners, from Miss Manners' Guide to Excrutiatingly Correct Behavior

(in reply to MadameMarque)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 8:18:29 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		I find Emily Post, though older and very dated in some ways, is perhaps a safer way to go when it comes to manners, particularly the manner in which we interact with others.

JUST as no chain is stronger than its weakest link, no manners can be expected to stand a strain beyond their daily test at home.

And the old saw of "when in Rome, do as the Romans do" can and is often taken too far, if there is no understanding of why the Romans do as they do.


_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to MadameMarque)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 8:34:32 AM   
MadameMarque


Posts: 1128
Joined: 3/19/2005
Status: offline 		I haven't read Emily Post.  What is it you like about her approach, generally?

(in reply to feydeplume)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 9:23:37 AM   
Freyathelady


Posts: 16
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Number one thing that bothers me in the BDSM community:  Dom guys who try to top female domme's.  It drives me nuts when I converse with someone either on line or in person, it's revealed were both dominant and his very next question (before even asking for my name) is "do you switch?"  Of course, him switching isn't an option.  If he want's to play with me so badly, he can offer to be in the risky position, instead of asking a total stranger to make that kind of leap of faith.  To me this feels like a sleazy bar pick up.  If he's so eager to try to play with me with out knowing anything about me, (except that we DON'T have the obvious compatability of being dom and sub)he can't be interested in anything good. 

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Profile   Post #: 72
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 9:46:01 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		Well this is a bit off topic, but her premise is that manners and mannerisms are VERY different things and that a person should strive to be true and honest and not burden others with one's personality, views, religion, etc.

Most of her (old) advice and the new advice has to do with treating people with compassion and acceptance rather than trying to normalize wrong behavior or putting on airs.

As it applies to this thread, here I use the jargon of the site (perv for example) and abide, as best I can, by the TOS. IF i have an issue or comment that is more personal, I write to the person, not make it everyone's problem.


_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to MadameMarque)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 10:11:43 AM   
SingleRarity


Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

No, I did get it, but I couldn't help but think of the other meaning as well, because one can rely on the other.  While they are not something that would interest everyone, there are some events that are specifically geared with a certain level protocol.  Formal dinners and other occasions where servers are expected to call Dominants as Ma'am or Sir.  For those who thrive on service, these can be excellent learning opportunities, as well as great head space for them (or so I'm told).

Plus, I just couldn't get the thought out of My head after reading Lynnx's post.  I was at the same convention and there's no mistake of who she was talking about.



After reading the post by you and Lynnx, I found an old live journal from a friend of mine.  She had encountered the same guy at  a convention.  The first night they allowed him to DM.  He kept interrupting scenes for "safety violations", and even went so far as to start trying to untie my friend from rope bondage because he didn't like what her dominant was doing.  At that point the other DM's removed him from his duties.  Apparently he continued his behavior most of the weekend.  

Daddy's Ballerina, e

< Message edited by SingleRarity -- 3/16/2009 10:12:23 AM >

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RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 10:22:41 AM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
Now, I should start off saying that your kink is not my my kink and all those usual disclaimers, just so that no-one gets hurt in any of this...  ...but are there any common BDSM conventions that turn you off?


Nearly all of them, in truth. I'm sorry to say the usual crowd doesn't appeal to me much, but I do tend to enjoy seeing what the merchants come up with from time to time.

(in reply to WestBaySlave)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 10:43:15 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarsBonfire

LadyPact, I'm not 100% sure about this, but I think they meant BDSM "conventions" as in traditional behavior or established routines within the BDSM community... Not "conventions" as in a meeting of BDSM enthusiasts...





Ah... oops.

O well. I still stand by what I said earlier.

*Waves to MidMich*






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Profile   Post #: 76
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 10:51:33 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

Now, I should start off saying that your kink is not my my kink and all those usual disclaimers, just so that no-one gets hurt in any of this...  ...but are there any common BDSM conventions that turn you off?

To think of an example from my own experience, when I'm just saying hello to someone for the first time and they say "Call me SIR!" Or sometimes, "MASTER!" I've got to admit it's a big turn off for me. Especially if they add on that I'm not being respectful, which does bother me, as there are many people I deeply respect in my life who I've never once called "Sir", "Master" or "Ma'am" and other female equivalents ( and some of these people are even dominants active in the scene ).

Now I realize it's just a common thing in the BDSM world, and it doesn't mean much more than a gas station attendant telling me to have a nice day - and frankly, I really don't care if someone wants me to call them Sir, Master, or M'lord High Bananapants - it's just that being greeted by a stranger this way is a big turn off, and a commonly encountered one at that.

So, anything in your experience that's common yet off-putting? Any convention you find as charming as a loud fart at a crowded buffet table?



When I meet someone I introduce myself by my name. The one my parents gave me. I don't think I am a pretentious person. I don't run about demanding respect from people that haven't a clue as to whether or not I am due it. I don't get excited by the type of clothing most people associate with BDSM, not a single corset or bustier in my wardrobe. Most of the fetishes leave me cold and/or bored, if not downright laughing. I don't have any burning desire to join a group, any group. And, I wouldn't travel to go to a big gathering, unless there was specific people I knew I would get to meet there.

Nothing against others that love those things, nothing at all. They are just not my thing. Most people probably wouldn't travel 7 hours and pay for a hotel, just to spend two days at a big horse fair. Something I've done many times.

BDSM is simply part of my relationship style. It isn't my life.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 77
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 2:14:49 PM   
slavekal


Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		I am a submissive man for dominant women only.  I call no man master.  I choose who I call sir.  I have no obligation to honor any man's made up titles.

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(in reply to WestBaySlave)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/16/2009 2:52:22 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz
*Waves to MidMich*


I do love them spirited women

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Profile   Post #: 79
RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... - 3/21/2009 6:53:56 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
To think of an example from my own experience, when I'm just saying hello to someone for the first time and they say "Call me SIR!" Or sometimes, "MASTER!" I've got to admit it's a big turn off for me. Especially if they add on that I'm not being respectful, which does bother me, as there are many people I deeply respect in my life who I've never once called "Sir", "Master" or "Ma'am" and other female equivalents ( and some of these people are even dominants active in the scene ).

Now I realize it's just a common thing in the BDSM world, and it doesn't mean much more than a gas station attendant telling me to have a nice day - and frankly, I really don't care if someone wants me to call them Sir, Master, or M'lord High Bananapants - it's just that being greeted by a stranger this way is a big turn off, and a commonly encountered one at that.


I don't usually stand on ceremony, but if we ever meet at a munch or whatnot, I now expect you to greet me as 'M'lord High Bananapants'.

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Profile   Post #: 80
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