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A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 9:53:20 AM   
Ashkitty


Posts: 30
Joined: 6/2/2005
Status: offline 		Oh boy, this one's a doozie. I had no idea where to post this; I'm asking Masters, Mistresses and Slaves/Subs their opinions, anyone at all feel free to answer.

Quick, simplified background. My Dom and I broke up a while ago. I say broke up, because it was never really formal, we just drifted away and eventually both said, "You know, this isn't working. Lets not." It was a very.. actually, it wasn't very anything. It just was. Most likely because it was a LDR; easier.

Just before the time of the breakup, I had been seeing a very nice vanilla man. Since Master and I were poly, this was okay. Only, I began to forget exactly what Master meant to me. Again, LDR distances everything, and I was affected by puppy love. I wanted something closer, and here was this man. So I took him. Then, after the breakup, the new man and I started a mono vanilla relationship.

Fast forward to two years later. Things are comfortable. I live with my vanilla boyfriend and he treats me very kindly. Very, very kindly. Almost.. too much so. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I am a very lazy Domme for how much he caters to me. Gets the food, runs the bath, does the dishes, so on, so forth.

Yet, for all his catering, in the bedroom he does not budge... I am lucky, LUCKY to get missionary. Monthly. This of course, has caused a huge tension in my sexual libido. I'm not getting my needs met. Hell, once a week wouldn't meet my sexual needs (unless there were certain reasons, ie, being denied for a purpose). And of course, I am a sub at heart.. I need to serve sometimes. The catering is very nice at face value, but it.. it doesn't fulfill me. I also can't bring myself to serve him, for lots of reasons I won't get into.

Then Mast-- ..erm. Ex-Dom comes back into town. We talk. He inflames me. I tell Him my secrets; secrets that my vanilla man would be disgusted to learn (and yes, I've tried). He takes advantage of them, twists them, humiliates me. Tortures me with His presence, His unspoken promises of kink, his life, Himself. I don't know what to do. I am obsessed with Him, and I have been intensely for weeks, and to a slightly lesser degree for years. I didn't want it to end, I just wanted more of a physical presence. I want Him back, and I can't have Him. It's not my call. I think of His new slave, and I am irrationally, massively jealous -- not that he has another, but that He will not have me. I want to belong to Him again. I would do anything He asks.

To further complicate the matter, I beat myself for how stupid I was being when I let Ex-Dom and I drift apart. I have loved Him for years -- since high school. He is my perfect definition of Master. He is everything.

I also believe that a (small) part of my problem is that I never had a formal.. erm.. "release."

I don't really know what I'm asking, I just need support and help.

Should I ask for a more formal release from servitude (as I still have the collar He first gave me) and try to get over Him?

Should I tell Him how I feel, despite the fact that because of complicated issues, I will most likely get refuted and suffer more pain?

Should I try to box in my kink and continue living a normal, though princessy, lifestyle with my vanilla boyfriend?

Should I pack up everything I can fit into a few small boxes and suitcases and take my life savings and move to a different country where I don't have to deal with it all?

PS: Sorry for writing a small novel. x_x
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 10:06:59 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, AshKitty----
The supposed Dominant in this instance is exploiting your weaknesses, not for your growth as far as I can tell, but to taunt you and be mean.  That, imo, does not a Master make.  Unless you really get off on humiliation, in which case, imo, still not a Master but a definite Sadist. 
The vanilla boyfriend.  Hmmm, depends if you love him.  Sex once a month would be a deal-breaker for me.  My libido and tastes far eclipsed those of my ex- but I placated myself with vanilla sex 3-5 times a week (That was a compromise). 
In part, I want to suggest to you to try to make the 'nilla relationship work if there is love 'cause I'm a hopeless romantic and because, imo, being single sucks.  That having been said, I would rather be single than have my soul sucked out of me and it seems like the way your life's set up right now, that is what's happening.  Not a fan of settling.  So, the non-romantic pragmatic portion of me thinks you need to jettison both situations (Be more kind to the boyfriend than the Sadist) and try again, which doesn't require moving to another country, just setting some boundaries. 
Best wishes,
  Davan

_____________________________

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 10:31:17 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		You have several issues.

#1 current boyfriend. Pretend there is no ex-master. Do you love him enough that you would want to work through your problems...COMMUNICATE with one another and get the sex issue straightened out. Have you even bothered to ask the guy why? You write like you are just using this guy until something better comes along.

#2 Ex's are ex's for reasons. Don't manhop, not only is it tacky, it is demeaning to the men. Deal with your current shit and if that means you end up single, find someone that is a better fit for you.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 4/8/2009 10:32:37 AM >

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(in reply to Ashkitty)
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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 10:37:08 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Take Responsibility for what you have allowed to happen and realize that no matter what someone is getting hurt in this and it will most likely be you, or everyone and you.

I think what you are entertaining with your your Maste.... err.. Ex Dom is Wrong to do to your vanilla Partner who genuinly cares for you and apparently never signed up to be anything more than Vanilla Mono.

Seems you have made too many beds to sleep in. What is more benificial to YOU in the long run. The Dom who seems to exploit your easy ability to be exploited when it comes to BDSM and has shown no real dedication to you other than a LDR, or the Mono Boy who may never be anything close to dominant or kinky but seems to show a great amount of loyalty to you.

I think rather than destroy an existing relationship, tell Buckaroo Bonzai that he needs to widen his horizons because Kink is a part of who you are and what you are about and that you got to be you and if he cannot handle that then it's time to part ways..... If that happens have fun with the Dom who likes to exploit your weaknesses but expect that as soon as he sees that you aren't a part time play thing he may not be as interested as you are.

I of course no nothing of the situation or the people involved but I have heard and seen this senario OH SO MANY TIMES.

Do what you feel is RIGHT.

Steel

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 10:39:06 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		I'm wondering what you would think about doing nothing for one month?

There is no urgency? These are both rather long term, relatively, so nothing impending or to be lost without immediate action?

I would focus on breathing, observing, journaling, if you do that.



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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 10:40:14 AM   
AngelGeena


Posts: 1324
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline 		I'd say it's time to put them both in the past and move on.  Find someone better suited to your wants and needs.

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Owned heart and soul, bound to MZ forever.

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 10:52:57 AM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Well, it sounds like your really horny and have found half of what you need from both men.  Not a good situation.  I personally feel as though there is no such thing as the perfect person for someone but I do believe in emotional states elevating the importance of a person as well as peoples memories becoming jaded because only the found memories are there and the bad ones are ignored.  It sounds like you have a lot of communication issues with your current boyfriend and that you may have kind of missreped  yourself to him just a tad... so you do have to decide whether to come clean or hang it up so to speak. It sounds like you are heading for disaster where you have to choose your lifestyle or change your current lifestyle to something closer to what you want or loose everything.  Your old master does not sound as though he is going to be a very good bet for you in the long run but you never really know.... so that leaves it as how submisive can you be to your current bf. because submisive does not allways mean kinky sex.  

(in reply to AngelGeena)
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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 4:36:34 PM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		I would definitely encourage you to spend some time thinking about what you want and need. Me, I tend to think this is a situation in which polyamory might be helpful; you love Nilla Man, but the sex life sucks and there's no kink. You could, in theory, get sex and kink with a secondary partner and still enjoy the stability of Nilla Man.

However, that's going to entail coming out to Nilla Man. Actually, you need to anyway. For one thing, if you want the relationship with him to be long term, he needs to know now that there's a need he isn't meeting. And you need his permission to go get it met elsewhere.

If you did get that permission and understanding, I would suggest getting involved in the local community and going to some munches and play parties that you felt were a good fit for your style, and have some nice friendly play or arrange for some nice friendly play with a dom you don't have massive history with or emotion. This will let you know several things; one, do you need a lot of kink in your life, or just a little here and there, and secondly, it will ease the need to play so that you can actually assess The Ex and see whether or not he would be good to have in your life at this point.

But you are going to have to settle down and meditate and journal, and then you are going to have to hold a long talk with your boyfriend that is going to make both of you uncomfortable, and you'll have to hold uncomfortable talks periodically as you all get adjusted, if you go down this road. It is not easier. Not by any means.

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 5:35:01 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Sounds like you have one who is happy fulfilling your daily needs for food, shelter, personal care and companionship, and another who lights a fire in your loins.  What you need to do is find one who fulfills both....and learn to be content on your own until that one comes along.

That's the simplified version, yes.....

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 6:29:32 PM   
Ashkitty


Posts: 30
Joined: 6/2/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry if I was vague, I'd like to clarify a couple points.

Vanilla man did know what he was signing up for at the start. He knew I was in a poly relationship, that I am inherently poly on some levels. He was also aware that I was very kinky and very much a sub. I was quite clear about this when we started. However, I don't think he has a full understanding of what being a sub actually means. I have purchased books and offered web pages and written notes and diaries, back when I tried to share this part of me with him. He just.. brushed it off with a half-hearted, vaguely disturbed chuckle, really. He has confessed to nothing more than vanilla fantasies that get no worse than a magazine spread. While I.. well. I tried to tell him my tame ones, and when that got dismissed, I wasn't about to tell him worse.

It is my fault, however, that I let things settle. After a while, I stopped pushing the kink, and started repressing it and bottling it up inside. So it is there now; a writhing void that occasionally lashes out and puts me into predicaments.. like this.

He has said that it would be okay for me to pursue kink with no sex. Again, I think, because he doesn't understand that -- to me -- a good session without sex can be better than sex itself sometimes. That said, I am awful at meeting new people. I couldn't go to a club, munch or party alone. I have no kinky friends, and truth be told, have become rather agoraphobic in the past year; old habits intensified.

Thus one of the reasons Ex Dom is so important to me. Friendly and familiar, but in no way comfortable, if that makes sense? And yes, he is totally a sadist. :P

I would also like to clarify that I do love vanilla man very, very much. He is everything I could have ever wanted... except the kink. I would not have stayed with him this long if I did not truly love him, and he is in no way a "guy I am just using."

I do like FRSguy's comment about finding half of what I need from both men. That rings very true. I think I'm standing at a road of decisions. All of them are hard and none of them are really as happy as they could have been.

Sadly, and incidentally while I was writing this post, I did a foolish thing on lack of sleep and admitted my feelings. Now I have to run off and manage my own personal -- excuse my language -- shitstorm.

(in reply to AlexandraLynch)
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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 9:16:37 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:


Deranged



Posts: 4857
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline Sounds like you have one who is happy fulfilling your daily needs for food, shelter, personal care and companionship, and another who lights a fire in your loins. What you need to do is find one who fulfills both....and learn to be content on your own until that one comes along.

That's the simplified version, yes.....


OH WHAT a dream of an answer! I just know it's like finding a needle in a haystack. Poor thing... it's really a dilemma!

_____________________________

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Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/8/2009 10:44:21 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		You've already gotten some good advice.  I'm going to offer my own analysis, some of which I'm sure will echo what others have said.

Let's start with the situation... what's the rush?  Why do you need to do anything right away?  It sounds as if you are pressuring yourself into a choice as away of escaping the tension in your life.  That's likely to lead you into making some rash decisions (sounds like you've already made a few).  As has already been suggested, I'd say slow down and think things through.  Stop letting your emotions make the decisions for you and start using your head more.

Moving on, there is Mr Boyfriend.  Sounds like a nice guy who would be wonderful... for someone else.  You two may genuinely care about each other... I get that... but you don't sound like you fit well together.  There are things in your life you need that he isn't providing, beyond the lack of sex.  That has left you wishing for more and since he doesn't seem open to discuss it... the mind wanders, and eventually so will the heart.  You need to realize that.

Which brings us to Mr Ex... he showed up and that got you to thinking more about what you were missing.  I'm guessing you started remembering things you enjoyed which intensified the feelings you already had.  The thing is, even if he hadn't showed up... it probably would have been someone else eventually.  Again, you need to realize that you were already looking for something to fill in the missing parts in your life.   Most likely you're remembering Mr Ex as being better than he was, after all... if he was really that great, why'd you split up in the first place?

Lastly, I think you also probably have some person issues you need to take a look at.  My guess would be that you've some self loathing going on on some level.  I think you're looking for someone to punish you for your mistakes and failures, and to some degree you're punishing yourself.

As has already been said, you probably need to move on past both relationships.  Spending some time alone probably would do you some good, but I suspect you won't, instead you'll likely go find something else.  I would hope you'd stop and think about your own behavior, the reasons behind it.  Think about why you let "Mr Perfect" drift away?  Why did you get involved with Mr Vanilla... don't lay it all off on him... he might have had some idea what he was getting, but so did you and you both went ahead anyway... why?  Did you underestimate how important other aspects of your life were to you?  Is it possible that over the last couple of years you've done some growing and come to realize what you really need... and realized that what you have isn't entirely what you need?  What I'm getting at is simply this, understanding why you've made some of these past choices will better enable you to make better choices in the future, and in the meantime, don't make any major choices until you feel you're ready.

That may not have been the "supportive" response you were looking for, but I hope it was helpful none-the-less.

_____________________________

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Ashkitty)
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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/9/2009 12:27:13 AM   
crazyredhead1957


Posts: 189
Joined: 12/10/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AngelGeena

I'd say it's time to put them both in the past and move on.  Find someone better suited to your wants and needs.


quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Sounds like you have one who is happy fulfilling your daily needs for food, shelter, personal care and companionship, and another who lights a fire in your loins.  What you need to do is find one who fulfills both....and learn to be content on your own until that one comes along.

That's the simplified version, yes.....


i agree.  Say goodbye nicely to both men and find One who will fulfill all your needs.  i know it's not easy to do, but They are out there, and it's worth it when you find Him.  It really is.

(in reply to windchymes)
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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/9/2009 1:51:20 AM   
jamelia


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/7/2009
Status: offline 		Just taken at face value kitty, I think maybe you're bored with Mr Nice - but it's hard to reject and hurt the feelings of someone who IS so nice by possibly ending it, but maybe that is what you really want to do? 

Nevertheless I'd be wary of your ex-Dominant.  My fear would be that he was on an ego or power trip - doesn't really want you but gets a kick out of playing with your emotions and making you "crawl". You could end up very hurt and rejected.

Perhaps you might consider is it just that the ex-Dom appeals as an escape route?  Perhaps you feel suffocated with Mr Nice but don't know how to hurt him so the ex-Dom is a kind of distraction and alleviates some of the boredom?

My advice is to think this through very deeply and try and discover what your real feelings about both of them are.   All the best!

(in reply to crazyredhead1957)
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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/9/2009 2:37:32 AM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		Must be a full moon, because I mostly agree with Padriag 

On Mr. Nilla- you might not like this, but I'm going to say  it anyway. Having been there myself, I can say that being with someone who refuses (not can't, refuses) to meet your sexual needs is very bad juju for a mono relationship.


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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/9/2009 2:49:18 AM   
WarKirby


Posts: 71
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline 		I don't see why everyone is recommending to dump both. As far as I can see, the dom hasn't done anything to deserve that. The relationship only fell apart because of distance. And he seems to be fine with a poly sub, so she could still have others to meet other needs.

the vanilla man isn't meeting her needs, and isn't interested in her interests. I'd call that a failed relationship, and move on.

In her position, I'd return to the dom.

(in reply to WyldHrt)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/9/2009 3:35:56 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WarKirby

In her position, I'd return to the dom.



Seems like it may not even be an option.

I remember my first Dom, well first in the extent that he influenced me, I still talk to him now and it is hard, it took me a long while to realise that the problem wasnt the distance alone. Because you can actually have fulfilling LDR's. I suggest a clean break. I suggest you look at your current realtionship, is the dis-satisfaction with it coming from the fact that you have seen your new Dom and you have put on the rose tinted glasses? Or are you really unhappy without a dynamic? If it is the latter then not only is it wrong for you to stay in the relationship but it is unfair to him, he could go out and find someone who is better for him.

I dont go in for the closure thing, you dont need something significant to happen to move on, you have to draw the line yourself. I am not sure talking to him would be a good idea, I dont think it would be for you to end it but instead convince him to be with you again, but then do you want to go back to where you were? I think you are making too many compromises.


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RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/9/2009 6:59:09 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WarKirby

I don't see why everyone is recommending to dump both. As far as I can see, the dom hasn't done anything to deserve that.

Not as far as you can see... however.

That relationship ended for a reason, and those reasons are probably still there.  If it didn't work then, it probably won't work now.  The way it ended sounds like he was never fully interested in her, otherwise he wouldn't have let her drift away either.  Now the guy is back, but has a new slave... and yet he's sniffing around her playing cruel head games.  Apparently he's left her with the impression she can't have him back, but he's getting off on knowing she still wants him.  That's hugely unhealthy... this guy does not sound like he has her best interest in mind, he's only interested in feeding his own ego.  He'll likely keep doing that, if she lets him, until he gets bored with her again... and then she'll be back on here sobbing about how he dumped her as she remembers (much too late) all the reasons why it ended last time.

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to WarKirby)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/9/2009 7:10:48 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WarKirby

In her position, I'd return to the dom.



Well the sadistic bitch in me that love love LOVES dramatic "Oh whoa is me, I've done something really stupid now what should I dooooooooooooo?" threads, would say "yeah sure!"

But the other nicer part of me says........really dumb idea.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to WarKirby)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: A Confusing Mess of Emotion - 4/9/2009 7:17:00 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		geeez just find a new dude....n then I mean brand new straight outta da box..not the ex.
all those complications *faints*
gotta luv da simple life

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 20
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