RE: friend or dominant, which comes first... gender based?

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RE: friend or dominant, which comes first... gender based? - 4/27/2009 5:42:14 AM

strangedesire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LAgirlsub

Just a thought...do men trust differently? Because they have different phyiscal strength, do they not think about opening themselves up - physically as well as emotionally - the way I do as a woman? Even with another woman, I don't think I could ever for example be in public setting (if I were so inclined) and let a sexy woman touch me if I didn't have some kind of earlier contact with her.

Is this just a difference between the sexes and well, getting our kink on?

Look at the popularity of strip clubs, lap dances, et cetera. That, I think, has to be the pinnacle of meaningless sexual contact. Institutions like that exist precisely because some people (generally men) don't want a personal connection, they want impersonal sexual gratification. I don't think this breaks down easily across gender lines - I've known plenty of men who need to care for their partners, and some women who liked it without strings - but I do wonder at the degree to which men are socialized to separate their sexual and emotional lives.

Personally, I don't need much of an emotional connection to play with someone, but I find that if they're out the door five minutes after we're done, I end up feeling used. I don't like the feeling, so I tend to limit myself to people that I have some sort of emotional connection with. I'm the same way with vanilla sex and girls - if I'm not close to her, it ends up feeling hollow.

quote:

So this really happens? That men expect you to be yielding a whip the moment you meet them?

Pretty much, yes.

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RE: friend or dominant, which comes first... gender based? - 4/28/2009 6:34:07 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

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For myself, it isn't an either or situation... In fact, if I'm sure of friendship, and the chemistry isn't there propelling me to be interactive in terms of giving him suggestions for, or approval of his choices, we are probably not well matched for anything more than one date.

Like you, I don't dominate strangers. I do however pay close attention to how refined his courtship skills are (how comfortable he is as a gentleman trying to court me), or how closely he pays attention to our conversations, and my suggestions for modification of his choices to better suit my needs/wants. I have found that gentlemen, in my general experience, tend to be attentive and receptive to a lady's likes/choices, even in initial vanilla dating. If he pays attention, and follows through on my gentle suggestions initially, it's a hop, skip and a jump to "I'll be deciding what you eat tonight at this restaurant."

M

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RE: friend or dominant, which comes first... gender based? - 4/28/2009 8:44:13 AM

Andalusite

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FullFig, exactly! It seems like a false dichotomy - there are lots of options between getting kinky, having sex, etc. on the first date, and being "just friends" for months before testing chemistry!

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RE: friend or dominant, which comes first... gender based? - 5/17/2009 6:40:07 PM

LAgirlsub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

. . . . And another thing. I do, really, want a partnership that's a blend of friend, lover and dominant. I have a fantasy - call it romantic, call it sexual - it doesn't matter - of meeting the right woman and our getting along in an ordinary friendly way. Then, at some point, she or I will choose to change from friends to D/s partners.

I love the thought of that agreement happening. It's a wonderful idea for me and I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. But it feels to me like it can only happen as the result of a natural progression, at some moment after we've met; have felt attracted to one another, that we've clicked . . . I don't want to spoil the joy of it by trying to drag it up prematurely.

Me too Peon. That would be wonderful. I feel like I'm a mix at the moment wanting to experience some of this in reality to just have the experience to the situation you describe. I honestly can't see myself wanting just to play without a deeper connection for more then some initial experience. But knowing me, it will likely be at least somewhat like your fantasy.

Right now, I'm speaking to a wonderful younger woman who approached me around when I joined CM, she was listed as a sub but as our online friendship grew she has surprised me that she is interested in switching with me. It really feels good how we talk to each other, even with some misunderstandings and of course she isn't local but does want to visit. So if that happens, it's great that we had many weeks to get to know each other. I can't get a local woman to meet me for a coffee...but women in other countries want to talk on the phone and potentially visit in person. Go figure.

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RE: friend or dominant, which comes first... gender based? - 5/17/2009 7:16:14 PM

AlexandraLynch

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I want to, and need to, love the person I dominate. It doesn't have to be the sort of thing I share with my husband, and in fact, it can't be, because that relationship is twenty years old, and you don't make that in an hour over coffee. It doesn't mean I need a second husband, or to leave the one I have. It does mean that I need a friend who is someone I can be vulnerable to in my humanity and who I can unhesitatingly lean on, even as he leans on me. I want someone I can go out to eat with and sit round at home and mock bad movies with, as well as someone I can flog and cut and kiss tears off. And becoming friends first is the start of that. But that is something I have always assumed was due to the fact that I feel nakeder in desire than I do in body when I first dominate them, not due to my gender.

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RE: friend or dominant, which comes first... gender based? - 5/17/2009 7:32:40 PM

LafayetteLady

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I admit that I haven't read all the posts, so please forgive if anything is repetitive. I think a lot has to do with what you are looking for and HOW the dynamic will fit into that. In the past, I have simply wanted a "play partner" and in those cases, I obviously wasn't interested in the friendship first thin. NOW, I want a relationship. I don't want to get sexually involved and see what can be built from there. So right now, for me, I want to develop that friendship first and hope that the sexual intimacy will click when the time is right. While I am suffering a lack of sexual satisfaction, I'm still pleased with my decision to take this route. I have been talking to a couple of people, one in particular where there has been nearly no mention of "lifestyle" activities. We have talked about our lives, things that make us happy, frustrated, sad, etc. I am finding myself very much looking forward to seeing his name in my inbox, and I'm hoping to move to the next step of face to face soon. When I contact someone or they contact me, I check the profile to see how much our "lifestyle" interests match. Initially, this is enough to know we have those things in common. I need to know that conversations can take place outside of that. It seems to be working well for me.

I think that for the males who respond differently, wanting to establish that dynamic more quickly it might be because in their outside life, they have more control over situations and if the dynamic isn't immediately established, they may worry that their natural "outside" state might just prevail, because that is who they need to be every day with every one. If the dynamic is established immediately, they will more easily be able to follow the role. I'm not a man, so I could be completely wrong, it is just a thought.

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RE: friend or dominant, which comes first... gender based? - 5/18/2009 1:38:23 AM

Wickad

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(fast reply)

Greetings,

I'd like to start off by saying that I also did not read all the posts (it's late here and I'm off to bed).

That all being said, ... WOW!!! This is so amazing!! I literally had this conversation with someone yesterday.

This topic came up for me because a man I've been talking to with the intent of developing a D/s dynamic told me the other day that 'he guessed we weren't going to play or anything because we were becoming friends". I found this really odd, to say the least. I am also someone who 'needs' to have a friendship with someone I plan on dominating. I want to know the person. I find D/s to be much more intimate than sex and thus find it really hard to 'open up' to someone I don't know.

An experienced friend of mine is of the opinion that men (and yes, he is one) tend to compartmentalize. According to him, they tend to feel more comfortable if they know 'what' you are rather than 'who' you are. To him, navigating the differences in relationships (ie: friend now, play partner then, Mistress sometimes) is really hard for most men. I found his analysis very disheartening but it did ring true for the submissive men I've met and the stories I've heard from submissive women about Dominant men as well.

I'm starting to despair that what I'm seeking just doesn't exist. Maybe I'll feel better after a good nights sleep - lol.

With that ... I'm off. Have a great night/day everyone.

Wickad

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