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submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 3:29:34 AM

Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline

Hi everyone,

i only just became "active" in the scene in November 2005 but my Dom and i are very heavily involved.

He is great and we are well matched without doubt. He does nothing wrong and i am happy with Him as a Dom.

Unfortunately for me, i seem to have a lot of selfworth issues that are surfacing. i have always had "issues" but i seem to be on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment and i wonder if anyone else has experienced this.

The higher He takes me, the harder i fall. He satisfies me like nothing else ever ever has and that is great. So wtf is all this depression about?
Insecurity, self doubt blah blah blah.

I left my baggage behind a long time ago, (or so I thought)(I am quite fat and consider my body ugly when naked), now i seem to have acquired enough baggage to open a luggage shop.

Any thoughts?

Any Masters out there who might guide me on how not to corrode this great D/s relationship with my "issues" please respond if you will. I have spoken to my Dom and He is and has done all He can to help me, but i am starting to sound whiney, so have stopped speaking about it.

thank you all

love from tendergirl

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 4:17:07 AM

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tendergirl
Any Masters out there who might guide me on how not to corrode this great D/s relationship with my "issues" please respond if you will. I have spoken to my Dom and He is and has done all He can to help me, but i am starting to sound whiney, so have stopped speaking about it.

So much of the 'how to handle it" needs to be based on information and instinct only those directly involved (You and your master) have access too that it is hard to offer much useful advice.

The only thing I would say is don't stop speaking about it. Instead let him know that you are starting to feel that your coming across as whiney and that feeling made you consider not speaking about it. If you start avoiding communicating then it is likely to end up making things worse.

(in reply to tendergirl)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 4:40:41 AM

Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline

Being honest, there is not much more the man could do really. He is attentive and wonderful.

These problems seem to be surfacing deep from within me.

i appear quite self destructive which is something that i did not expect to occur. If my Dom were not as kind or as careful as He is, i fear i would not even be alive to tell the tale.

i don't know if that is "normal" or just because i like the edge of it.

Am i actually pushing Him to kill me or do i just like this stuff that much. (breath control, extreme bondage)

(sorry for sounding weird)

thanks for replying

tendergirl

(in reply to RavenMuse)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 4:54:52 AM

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tendergirl
Am i actually pushing Him to kill me or do i just like this stuff that much. (breath control, extreme bondage)

(sorry for sounding weird)

Well I must be equaly wierd then because seeing it as weird didn't even cross my mind

It could be many things, including that it is something coming out in you because part of you knows and trusts that he is a safe person to be that way with. I've met people who where very self destructive and they where drawn to quite the opposite situations.

(in reply to tendergirl)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 5:04:13 AM

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

I'm not fond of my body either

I have that belly "pooch" that some women get after childbirth and also faint stretch marks. I'm also rather shy and I used to blush and get so embarassed to be seen naked.

Two years with Master have changed much of my attitude, though I am still not fond of my tummy! He loves me the way I am and I love it when He pervs on me

It's only in the last 3 or so years that I have had people tell me they think I am attractive. I was married to someone who never paid me compliments or even told me he loved me. I guess I thought I was unattractive and I felt depressed a lot. One piece of advice I was given when my marriage broke up was, always walk with your head up. No matter how down you are feeling, look the world in the eye. It works

If your Dom thinks there is nothing wrong with the way you look, learn to let it go. There's a saying, don't sweat the small stuff. I do know it is hard but try to focus on your good points and ignore the ones you think are not so good. I try to ignore my tummy by wearing control briefs or corsets and draw attention to my legs instead.

(in reply to tendergirl)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 7:09:54 AM

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Get actual therapy.

Give yourself time.

Have lots of open conversations- perhaps a scheduled weekly conversation. This is where you can say "OK I'm going to be completely needy/selfish/me me me about all my issues, what's wrong with me, what I want and how sorry I am that I'm needy"

Making things obvious helps keep you from burying them.

I seek reassurance from my partners all the time still. But I tell them "OK I'm feeling fat right now, can you tell me how gorgeous I am again?" And sometimes we lead into a deeper discussion of my fat issues and I can tell that over the years I'm becoming more and more truly secure in myself.

Your issues took time to be built, they will take time to wear down.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to tendergirl)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 7:22:42 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

quote:

If your Dom thinks there is nothing wrong with the way you look, learn to let it go.

Not easy to do, but it is the basis of starting to turn a corner. He obviously doesn't have a problem with your body, from what you have written, I get the impression he rather likes it the way it is.
My Pet also needs to be reminded how beautiful she is, and myself I find it a pleasant thing to do.

quote:

Get actual therapy.

As usual LuckyA has some good advice. if your feelings are tending towards the self-destructive, then I do strongly suggest getting some form of real therapy/counselling, and by real, I (and LuckyA as well, I suspect) means not just us, many on here will have great advice, and some are even "real" therapists/counselors, but that is really something that should be done face-to-face with somebody you trust.

In closing, There are only 2 people who's opinion you need concern yourself with, yours and your master's, the rest of the world's approval may be nice to have, but being in this lifestyle to begin with makes that less likely.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 11:54:11 AM

Posts: 12
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline

I have a feeling that there is more going on than mismanagment with food intake. Without knowing more, I recommend thinking about how your attitudes and self script (what you tell your self over and over, like brain washing becuase you will believe it eventually), and changing them. You don't have to believe it at first, but eventually you will. Think, "I look great," and "I am happy." Think "I love my life," and "I am blessed to feel so alive with my Dom." Think it everytime you see the old hurtful selfscript pop in. Write it down and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Break your old habit of destructive thoughts and replace it with thoughts that lift you up. Also, consider reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Covey. Attitudes/beliefs can affect our decisions, health, success, satisfaction as well as happiness.

Good luck!
d

(in reply to Arpig)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 12:00:54 PM

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

Tendergirl

These are issues that most have had at one time in their life or another...male and female, Dominant and submissive. There is nothing that can be said other than...you have to learn to accept yourself. In all ways. It matters not if anyone else accepts you...only if you are able to do this yourself. I have scars on my body...stretch marks from having a baby, a scar from a knife...not to mention the numerous others that I got in my youth...they are all part of who I am now, I accept them as such. Dig down deep and find the real reason why you are dissatisfyed with the way you look. And don't use the cop-out explanations ( I am overweight, I have scars, etc, etc ) The reason is far deeper than that. Once you find it, then you can work on ridding yourself of such baggage. It's obvious that your Master finds no fault with you; therefor, you are finding the fault within yourself. Only you can work on ridding yourself of such things.

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 2/2/2006 12:01:52 PM >

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to tendergirl)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 12:04:51 PM

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

We all have issues.....the key is to recognize them and if they are issues that harm your relationship, then work them out accordingly.
I have a big issue with Peas, I hate the little green bastards, but I can live wih it.
I also have an issue with spiritualism, this is somthing I need to work on.
So, pick your battles, pick your issues, but don't pick your nose!

Peace, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to dplayswell)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 4:03:59 PM

sweetnessforsir

Posts: 70
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline

tendergirl, your open communication is touching and unaffected. i wish i had more of that. it is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, find women you believe are beautiful in ways that don't show up on the cover of cosmo or elle . . . the ones who really touch lives. in that way you can help yourself learn about true beauty. i don't think i know a single grown woman who is accepting of her body.

oh, on the peas, they are a nightmare to clean up when dropped on a tile floor. i used to like them, now i find they are more trouble than they are worth.

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 4:45:34 PM

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

He is great and we are well matched without doubt. He does nothing wrong and i am happy with Him as a Dom.

Unfortunately for me, i seem to have a lot of selfworth issues that are surfacing. i have always had "issues" but i seem to be on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment and i wonder if anyone else has experienced this.

The higher He takes me, the harder i fall. He satisfies me like nothing else ever ever has and that is great. So wtf is all this depression about?
Insecurity, self doubt blah blah blah.

tendergirl,
Maybe this will help, consider the other side of the coin. What if you thought yourself to be the most beautiful woman in the world, and had people telling you how beautiful you were daily? How would you know that the person you are with is with you ONLY because of your beauty?

You are fortunate. You have a Master who whats to be with you for you. He has no issues, why should you? If you don't trust him with honesty regarding this issue how can you trust him on other issues? Regardless how anyone's body looks today, eventually it won't stay that way. You have to recognize that. If it's your intention to have a long term relationship with your Master, both of your bodies will go through plenty of changes over time. Hopefully the person, and the feelings you have for each other will only grow with time.

Good Luck! Have faith that, as in the past when you "fall" he's there to catch you. He's your Master - TRUST Him!

(in reply to tendergirl)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 5:07:15 PM

Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline

I admit wholeheartedly that these "issues" are mine and mine alone.

When He cannot lift me a certain way or I cannot hold a position because of my weight, I feel dreadful, like a failure. He reassures me that this is no issue and we change the way we do things next time.

The images of women that are often shown bound, even when shopping for toys, rope etc online, are images of women with flat tummies etc.

and I might add that Mercnbeth are quite beautiful people, a lovely looking couple.

I am aware of my Dom's imperfections and I agree that in time everyone's bodies change. But being relatively a newbie at this, I was not completely prepared for the emotions that are surfacing.

I realise that to some, this is just alternative sex or just play, but I am undergoing serious changes in my psyche. (btw, I am quite stable minded, just a bit overwrought at present emotionally).

"Coming out" this way after years of fantasy, or even almost fantasy, has been amazing. then to find quite quickly, the perfect Dom for me, has been even more amazing. We have gone quite far, quite fast, but as you know, this is not a vehicle that can be backed up. We can slow the momentum down somewhat, but not back up.

I am finally finally free inside to be who I actually am. Phew!!!! When we are together, I feel quite whole and content, but when we part....argh.

It is during these periods of being apart (only ever a week or so at the most) that I begin to drop and feel so bad about myself. Perhaps this is just a sort of subdrop.

My Dom has stated clearly that if my weight or body shape had been an issue for Him, that it would have been identified after our first meeting and that would have been that. He does tell me that I am beautiful. but it is not Him that is the problem really...is it???

thank you all from tendergirl

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 5:48:23 PM

Posts: 437
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline

Sometimes there things are out of our control. Biological things are out of anyone hands. I would go with the advice above and seek therapy. We all have blue days but you seem to be coming out asking for help. That's a good thing :) Depression is a hard thing to beat on your own. I wish you much luck.

(in reply to tendergirl)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 6:06:36 PM

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tendergirl

My Dom has stated clearly that if my weight or body shape had been an issue for Him, that it would have been identified after our first meeting and that would have been that. He does tell me that I am beautiful. but it is not Him that is the problem really...is it???

thank you all from tendergirl

Yup, it's you. It's your insecurities. Your issues. And then you start to feel BAD about feeling BAD for no rational reason. And then you start to feel BAD about calling attention to yourself over an irrational feeling of BADness. And THEN you start to feel BAD about causing him stress over YOU feeling bad about feeling needy due to an irrational reason.

I've been there. Heck I was there two weeks ago.

You have to be patient with yourself. You have to work it out. And I mean WORK it out. Every time this happens you have to dig into yourself a little deeper and work that little core of insecurity a little further into the light. The badness on top of badness is just another deflection. The guilt is just another distraction from getting to the SOURCE of the irrationality.

Enough time, work, positivity and reflection and you can make things very manageable.

You're also new to this- you even call yourself "tender" and that means most of what you experience now lacks the context and time you will eventually gain. It's natural for you to feel things more intensly and not quite sure how to handle them.

Be patient, with yourself. But don't make excuses.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to tendergirl)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 7:03:52 PM

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

Do you feel like this is really all about your weight, or are you focusing on that because it seems the most obvious thing. When you talk about appearing self destructive, or about going "higher and higher" and then crashing further down -- I get the idea there is more going on than just a poor body image and feeling insecure. Not that body images are not serious and hard to struggle through all by themselves.

quote:

Am i actually pushing Him to kill me or do i just like this stuff that much. (breath control, extreme bondage)

Enjoying the thrill of edge play is not unusual. Are you having any suicidal thoughts also? Do you have times where you feel like you want to die? Are you reckless in other aspects of your life? Have you considered the reality of what would happen if he did make a mistake and you were killed or even hospitalized? How that would impact your family, your friends...and him? I would think very honestly about these things, talk with him about both your motivations for edge play, and make conscious choices on how to continue. (And no, I am not saying you should not play that way.)

I agree maybe actual therapy is a good idea. You could be depressed, you could have some old "stuff" surfacing.

Sometimes if we have lived in chaos in the past, it becomes the norm. Then when things go well and we are satisfied, we create things to be upset about. There is no crises to deal with, so we have to actually deal with our old stuff. I have no idea if that applies to you.

quote:

When He cannot lift me a certain way or I cannot hold a position because of my weight, I feel dreadful, like a failure.

Damn, I hate it when that happens. God forbid it is during a public scene. The only thing worse if finding the greatest outfit and realizing it only goes up to a size 14. WAAAHHHHHH. I have been trying to buy some of those super sexy thigh high leather boots, only I can't get them to zip because my legs is too..umm..volumptuous. Evil designers.

(in reply to tendergirl)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 7:17:56 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

volumptuous...I love that word

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 7:56:31 PM

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

voluptuous, issues...hmmm I love voluptious girls with issues to.
However, I am dealing with my own issues....Dayum the luck!

Peace, kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to Arpig)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/2/2006 8:18:12 PM

Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tendergirl

My Dom has stated clearly that if my weight or body shape had been an issue for Him, that it would have been identified after our first meeting and that would have been that. He does tell me that I am beautiful. but it is not Him that is the problem really...is it???

thank you all from tendergirl

Tender,

I admire your bravery and honesty very much. I don't have much to offer you in the way of advice, but my sister has suffered with body image problems and developed an eating disorder when she was in high school, so I've got some familiarity with how devastating this can be for women.

A lot of women I know who've wrestled with body image problems really got a lot out of reading Marion Woodman -- The Still Unravished Bride and The Owl Was A Baker's Daughter and Addiction to Perfection. She believes it isn't the body that's the problem, it's almost always something else much deeper going on. She kind of takes a psychological approach to the problem so if you're turned off by that it might leave you cold, but a lot of women I know think she's just terrific.

(in reply to tendergirl)

RE: submissives with issues - 2/3/2006 1:00:28 AM

Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline

Hi Sensualips,

thank you for taking the time to write. there is a website here in the UK, darkkitten.co.uk who state that they can make any woman a great pair of thigh high boots and they are reasonably priced.

As for your question, NO, I am not suicidal. I don't want to die nor am I reckless normally. Outwardly, people see me as a middle aged, mature, Christian mum. I have a good job and close friends.

My Dom knows my edge desires and He entertains them very safely. In fact, He said that if He thought I might play on my own, He would pack up and move in with me now (we are considering living together full time when appropriate, we do half time right now, just weekends) rather than me accidentally hurting myself. And no, I don't play on my own.

I love the feel of being close to the edge with breath play, it just fulfills me.

We do communicate and I am very lucky. He is patient, loving and kind in all the right places and a real beast otherwise.

I am listening to what you guys are saying to me, thank you.

love from tendergirl

(in reply to Sensualips)

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