DemonKia
Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline
|
FR, after read thru
Hmmmmm, some thoughts I'm having on this:
* 'Hot' Language: this is one of the many ways I have of thinking about language that is not ostensibly as mentally / emotionally charged as it actually is. I also think of this as: 'buzz words', 'hot button terms', & so on . . . . In my experience, they represent a kinda minefield in communication, because they don't seem on the surface to carry as much connotation as they tend to erupt into in actual usage . . .. .
I also see it in terms of what I reference as 'judgementals' versus 'descriptives', the assigning of 'good' / 'bad' value judgements (with all the attendant subjectivity) to words, concepts, terms, & such like that are as adequately or better categorized as being 'descriptives' . . . .. .
'Manipulate' & 'agenda'* would be some examples specifically from these threads, in addition to the term 'test' that got us going in the first place.
For me it's helpful to think in terms of doublets & triplets, rather than the singular term, with adjectival modification doing the work of delineating that emotional / experiential / implicit meaning above & beyond the dictionary: 'dysfunctional testing', 'gotcha agenda', or 'covertly problematic manipulation' is how I tend to express in my head the distinctions that have arisen in these conversations . . . . . .
Upon contemplating this posting while writing & editing it for a coupla hours, it occurred to me that the very process of having (especially more unexamined) 'hot button' terms, with a lot of unpacked baggage coiled inside them, is in itself a bit of a spring-loaded trap awaiting the unwary language user . . . . . . . Tho', referencing what I say several paragraphs down from here, that's not something I ascribe 'good' or 'bad' values to . . . . . . I'm mostly just noticing it from a more Derrida-like deconstructionist mental space . . . . . . . . .
As a writer I'd rather leave the stand-alone words assumptively more neutral, & I got thinking about why, sparked by these threads. One reason is specific to me, & one more generalizable.
The big generalizable is that there's only so many words, & there's an awful lot of users of those words. (Apparently something on the order of a half a million to a million words in the English language, & more like a half a billion to a billion users.) If everyone gets in on the designating of some words as having these extra emotional charges, all words could end up 'radioactive' . . . . . .. &, again as a writer, I want the 'freedom' to use as many of the words as I possibly can .. . . .
Here's what my dictionary said:
Test (verb): * take measures to check the quality, performance, or reliability of (something), esp. before putting it into widespread use or practice; * reveal the strengths or capabilities of (someone or something) by putting them under strain; * give (someone) a short written or oral examination of their proficiency or knowledge; * judge or measure (someone's proficiency or knowledge) by means of such an examination; * carry out a medical test on (a person, a part of the body, or a body fluid); * [ intrans. ] produce a specified result in a medical test; * Chemistry examine (a substance) by means of a reagent; * touch or taste (something) to check that it is acceptable before proceeding further.
In the interest of some semblance of brevity, I'll leave the dictionary definitions of 'manipulate' & 'agenda' to the interested.
Specific to me is that I have no problem with 'being manipulated' or 'being tested' or others 'having an agenda'. After reading thru these discussions & the kinds of concerns being raised, the real distinction, for me, if I perceived this as going on is: do I like it, or not? Am I comfortable with what's going on? Does this meet my needs? & etc . . . . . If I like what's happening, then it's fine. If I don't like it, no amount of 'honesty', 'integrity', & whatever would make my experience 'better' . . . . .. Someone pushing the boundaries or testing limits in a relationship is likewise something I actually expect in relationship. With growth comes change. With time comes change. All is change. Changing growing persons test out their new selves as rapidly as they evolve the capacity to do so, in my experience, & to the degree that they have the freedom to engage in such . .. . . . .
* Control: One thing I think I'm 'hearing' in this discussion is that there is an objection to the 'controlling' aspects of 'dysfunctional' testing, manipulations, or agendas. That in 'testing', 'manipulating', or 'agendizing', there is some attempt being made to usurp another's autonomous control of self, effective or not . . . . . . . At risk of being perceived as trying to control perceptions, I'm suspecting this is a 'juicy center' of the 'upset'.
I know that I like to feel in control unless I deliberately relinquish that sense, & I understand & respect others' similar desire to feel in control. It's from that space that I'm 'feeling' that this is an underlying dynamic to these conversations.
& I'm kinda sensitized to this framework from raising the off-spring, which involved copious quantities of what I reference as 'power struggles', lol . . . . . . I tend to see much of human interactions, conflicts, & so on in terms of 'power & control issues', so if you don't, or don't see yourself reflected here, no offense intended & my apologies for any ruffling of plumage.
* Time: my time is limited, & my boundaries & 'red flag issues' large & many. I'm organized & can be proactive. I'm rather proud that I figured out that one of my primary 'dating agendas' & / or 'social agendas' is to 'filter out', as quickly & efficiently as possible, those persons with traits, characteristics, habits, et alia, that I know (from past experience) to be 'problematic' for me, & / or vice versa; a big chunk of that is my own knowing of my capacity to be a bitch, an asshole, a pain in the ass, etc, sometimes in my perception, sometimes in the others', sometimes both . . . . . . I think it's a kindness all around for me to 'put a pushy suitor thru their paces' & get them moved on to someone more suitable as quickly as possible. I value my time too inordinately to waste others' unnecessarily.
(Somewhat tangential to the above, & some other stuff that's popped up in these threads: I know that, on my good days, I'm probably a one-in-a-million taste; on my bad days it's more like one-in-a-trillion. I'm solid with that, I prefer it that way. & I like to practice my patience & pragmatism. My problem has always been that way more people want to interact with me than I'm comfortable with. That sitting-all-alone thing always darkly hinted at is rather more of a dream space for me, lol, than some kinda nightmarish punishment for my social infractions & intransigence . .. .. . . . .)
& LOL on the notion of me 'springing' anything on anyone. Someone who's not paying attention to my disclosive nature, to the many times I point out my own issues, clearly delineate my own processes, or otherwise regularly engage in acts of 'too much information' has neither a whole lot of sympathy from me, nor my desire to get into their depths if they feel 'sprung' upon . . .. . . *shrugs*
* Side note on 'agenda': I always have an agenda, I frequently specifically reference myself in terms of having agendas. For me it's that I'm a relatively organized person, working on being more so, & when I became familiar with the concept 'agenda', I fell in love. I understand that that sense may differ from the concept that's been discussed in these threads, which is why I would argue the critical importance of qualifiers in conversation.
_____________________________
Snarko ergo sum.
The Verbossinator
|
RE: Non-destructive testing, exploration, and experimen... - 
To learn how to deal with people, you have to deal with people. No guru-on-the-mountain-ism shortcuts available. 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread