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RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... - 5/28/2009 8:18:10 AM

ranja

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Joined: 11/1/2007
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i am sorry for your naf weekend...
if you ever would decide to venture out there with him again, maybe get busy with a camera and keep a diary or take a good book...alternatively imagine everybody there naked?
Or take yourself to town and meet up with him in the hotel later?

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RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... - 5/28/2009 8:23:22 AM

sirsholly

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From: Quietville
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Drag his ass to a Quilting show...or whatever.

Your interests are not always his interests...nor are his yours. There is nothing wrong with that. The fact is you tried and did not like it. No failure that i can see.

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RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... - 5/28/2009 11:31:01 AM

LaTigresse

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Next time he goes, stay home and do something you enjoy and he hates. Problem solved.

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RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... - 5/28/2009 12:12:58 PM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kitastrophe33

I'll be the first to admit that he didn't *make* me come with him. He wanted me to but he didn't make me. But I like him a lot. I think I could love him. And this hobby is a huge part of his life. I just wish he would have helped me a little more because it does sort of feel like he just let me fail.

I suppose it is still early for us. We're still learning how to be with each other. Thanks for the advice guys!

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

I have a golden rule - I never make anybody do anything outside their comfort zone, unless they themselves came up with the desire, and I won't let them do that to me, either. I think it is a cheap way to make someone fail, and I don't particularly enjoy making somebody feel inadequate in this manner, as I said, it is cheap, easy and futile.

FWIW...

I agree. It always makes me wonder *why?*. Why does it mean that much? I can understand someone's hobby being incredibly important, I can understand *hoping* I'll be able to *fit in* and I can understand * hoping* for that. But I can't really understand the insinuation that you're a *failure* when you don't/can't/haven't when you are in the first throws of a relationship. I mean, come ON!

If it's irksome to explain that I'm new to it, am not THAT interested and am a bit shy and am making the most of exploring places surrounding, then I'd think he was a bit of a git , really.

agirl

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RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... - 5/28/2009 4:08:36 PM

NorthernGent

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Joined: 7/10/2006
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This is a perfect example of people who think differently and consequently totally miss one another.

As far as I can see you were coming from an emotional angle where you didn't reason it out and think: "I really don't get this but oh well it will be over soon enough and then there are better times round the corner - I'll grin and bear it". There's nothing wrong with feeling rather than thinking by the way.

On the other hand he's using logic and expecting you to make the best of the situation and hit it off with his friends - probably because that's what he would do - and didn't take into account that perhaps you're more emotional than you are reasonable.

Seems to me you certainly didn't fail; nor was he particularly wrong to put you in that situation - providing he makes an attempt to understand your potential behaviour beforehand and does what it takes to make sure you're included. Some people - like me and perhaps your master - can be put in any situation and not have a problem with it and actually thrive on a new experience and really don't need anyone to make sure we're included because we'll do that for ourselves - whereas other people's minds simply don't work that way.

On the crying - it's natural for people to react to feeling unappreciated - I know I certainly do - I don't cry but I do become abrasive.

Anyway you certainly did not fail - you were put in a situation that didn't fit your make up and he didn't do a great deal to soften the blow (assuming there's not more to the story). Interesting that you mention unsociable because in situations (not the one you describe but there are others) where I don't feel appreciated then I'll withdraw too.

In terms of what you do - have a chat with him about why you reacted the way you did and ask him why he put a 'shy reserved' character in that situation and expected you to be reasonable about it just because he's a reasonable person.

Edited to add....

To clarify the feeling and thinking issue which I think is at the root of this...

Some people in this situation would think: "well I know nothing about this and I'm not that interested but like any group of people there will be some I'll get on with and will have certain things in common that we can chat about so it'll be fine" which is a wholly reasonable approach based on the experience of meeting people.

Other people feel the situation and would get a sense of being uncomfortable and their actions would be governed by these feelings and emotions. People who feel the situation tend to be more empathetic and when that avenue for empathy seems to be denied then it becomes a problem for that person.

Neither are right or wrong but you can't expect someone who is governed by their emotions to change character and adopt a wholly reasonable approach.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 5/28/2009 4:21:19 PM >

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RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... - 5/29/2009 4:32:36 AM

Rayne58

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Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
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*fast reply*
Sir loves speedway. If it races on a dirt/clay oval, He will be watching. He volunteers on the fire rescue/crash crew - means He gets a close up view of the action from the infield. Every weekend in the Australian summer we go to the speedway.

I had never been to a speedway before I met Him. I am really not all that interested apart from a couple of divisions. It can get very boring with time trials and hot laps. But every week I accompany Him to the track, because He wants me there. He's on the infield. I am on the grass hill with some of the other crew wives and g/fs, with my blanket and book. I watch the races I am interested in, other times I read - I can read half a book some nights! Between races I talk to the other women (can't during the racing it's too noisy

).

He knows I get bored sometimes. But it's only one night a week (sometimes more in January). I know He appreciates that I go with Him....I'm there if anything happens with His health, and can drive home if necessary. I could stay home....but I would worry "just in case" anything happened. Last season a young sprintcar driver was killed. It shook everyone on the crew, and I was glad I was there to support Him - it still gets to Him especially if one of the songs comes on the radio that were played at the funeral

The point to this ramble? None really.....just to point out that there are others who go through much the same thing

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RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... - 5/29/2009 5:47:14 AM

Fitznicely

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~FR~

Hunny, you did your best. No Master can ask more. He's being a meathead.

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RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... - 5/29/2009 5:43:38 PM

sorrynobsownsme

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Alot of these post helped me to realize I feel as the poster did but on a nearly daily basis. It does grate on you. I have become, frustrated, irritated, and on edge because of it. There are times it does result in tears. I do know that it is exhausting.

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RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... - 5/30/2009 4:16:30 AM

Focus50

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Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kitastrophe33

Ugh. I am feeling terrible today. I went away with my partner this weekend. He's into kiteboarding (I had to google it at first, too), and memorial day is a big kiteboarding weekend. I knew that I was going to spend a lot of time on the sidelines watching. I spent a lot of quality time alone. There were lots of people around, some of whom I at least know their names, but that's about it. I felt like a total outsider. I was the only one who really didn't know anyone, the only one who doesn't kite, so half the time I don't know what the hell they're talking about. But I tried really hard to connect with them. I thought I did pretty well considering that I am, by nature, sort of shy and reserved.

But on the third day of it when despite me asking if we could go back to the launch site that's near town (so I could at least walk into town for a cup of coffee if I got bored), he opted to go back to this really desolate site, the stress finally got to me. The thought of sitting outside in the wind all day, struggling to relate to people who aren't that interested in getting to know me, without the possibility of at least being able to go wander around in town...anyway, when we were in private, I started to cry... And admittedly, he didn't handle it as well as he could have... but the thing that I'm having the most trouble with is that he felt I'd failed.

He didn't like that I had, at times, kept to myself and been "unsocial" as he described it. He really wanted me to hit it off with his friends and I felt short of his expectation. And he didn't like that I had acted moody in front of them.

There *were* things he could have done to help me. But the fact remains that I was trying really hard. And I failed. It's an awful feeling and I am trying to turn it around and use it as motivation to do better, but I pretty much feel like crap.

What do you do, when you really tried, but still failed?

I'm a big, bad Dom and I loathe being stuck in the company of virtual strangers for prolonged periods - because I'm no social butterfly, either! And considering not even the actual event was something of your personal interest, seems you were all out of distractions to occupy yourself. It's not your failure to be put in a situation where you couldn't succeed - the main responsibility, indeed culpability, was his. If he really wanted you to get along with his friends, then he should've taken the time to play host until you at least got to know a bit about them.

Regarding failure, I have a little tes...., errrr...., lesson I teach my sub early in the relationship - "early" as in when she's at a point being comfortable bound and at least semi-naked. I do this because I've known too many subs who beat themselves up at the prospect of failing.

What I do is tie her wrists (behind) and ankles, lay her face down in the middle of the floor then pull her ankles up to her wrists with a traditional hogtie. Then I order her to free herself, which usually gets me a "yeah, riiiiight" look of impatience.... And that's when I ramp it right up about what a failure she is! I cajole and berate, whatever it takes to get her twisting and tugging at the binds; I tell her how hopeless she is; about what she'd do if the house caught fire - you name it, whatever it takes to get her "with the program"! At some point the tears start flowing and that's about when I call a halt.

Then I move to "nurturing mode".... I break out the tissues and dry her eyes, stroke her hair, check her binds for injury etc and explain that the only failure she can ever be guilty of is failing to *try* her best. I'll crack some joke that if she really had managed to free herself, then the one who tied such shitty knots is the one who failed. *gasp* And depending how she's handled it all, I often move straight to the next lesson - the one about choices; about who has them and who doesn't. And since she really couldn't escape her binds, I let her ponder the choices lesson for a few hours right where and as she is....

Seems to me you gave it a good shot - you *tried*! The failure was his....

Just curious about your pic; specifically, the highly spankable butt on display! Is that really you? And if so, he'd rather go kiteboarding, whateva tha hell that is??? Is he gay as well as vanilla and a social failure??? lol

Focus.

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RE: When the best you can do isn't good enough... - 5/30/2009 8:42:31 AM

FawneTwo

Posts: 98
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hello,
Most of my triggers/ knee jerk reaction words, phases etc. have been trained away and now i can shrug off the meaningless and keep in control of self - ya know in order to 'give' self ;)
generally
FAIL is it exists shaking head
and i don't like it

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