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Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 10:05:05 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		This piece will seem like it doesn't belong here at first, but please bear with me.  For those who know me or live what I describe, it will make a great deal of sense.  Others may never quite understand.  That's okay.  I just need to say it and have it heard.

                             **************

I have a master like no other.  Cruel, hard demanding in demeanour, I cannot resist the commands.  There is no escape.  There is no walking away.  There is only suffering through.  There is only a slow death of everything I ever knew.  There is nothing but control and his constant eye is upon me.  I will pay for every single transgression, no matter its size.  This master has no mercy.

This master controls my body.  Each and everything this flesh does, this iron fist relentlessly determines it all.  I wake and sleep to the rhythm set for me with my detriment of no consequence.  I feed only when and what is begrudgingly permitted, though I will sometimes try to sneak and cut my way around it.  I pay for it every time, but sometimes it is just a desperation.  My steps are measured with calculated cruelty.  This master sees to it that there is pain in every move I make.  I don't need a leash to keep me fettered.  My own agony will manage it quite well.  Vile laughter when I fall.  Vicious smirks when I struggle to do simple things.  I breathe only as I am offered.  I feel only what has not been muted by this cruelest of creatures and the only thing left audible in my body, firey, hellish pain.

My mind belongs to this master as well.  My thoughts are convoluted and blurred with every imaginable distraction.  I scream inside my head, but no one can understand.  My words are churned  and my thoughts become chaos until the master has isolated all my joys and pains and confusion and fear and wisdom to nothing more than a haunting dance within my mind.  My emotions are in this master's whimsy.  They ride on each sadistic ploy used to turn my whole world upside down.  I laugh, I cry, I rage on the determination of this other force I cannot avoid or hinder.

My dreams are gone and my future is in the palm of this horrible master's hand.  My usefulness has been sapped away and my life is left without anything to show for it.  Dreams of yesterday simple don't fit with the stark reality of today.  My livelihood is choked out.  My energy is gone long before the setting of the sun.  Yet the taskmaster crack the whip still harder.  I have to go on.  There's still too much to do.

For those who share my demonic master, this is just a nod of compassionate understanding.  I know it's not fun and I know it's not fair.  Fibromyalgia can go to hell, back to where this evil master must have been born in the first place!

Thanks for listening

lovingpet


_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

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RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 10:30:15 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I know it can be very difficult living with a disability.  Please keep trying different medications and/or holistic treatments until you find some relief, because it is possible.  Hang in there! 

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 10:32:07 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you very much!  It means a lot today!

lovingpet

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 10:44:33 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		(((((((((((lovingpet)))))))))))) 

For the moment... that's all I have.  I know that master and he/she is ruthless! 

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 11:16:15 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you Lockit.  I know you know this beast well.

lovingpet

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 11:19:01 AM   
ShaharThorne


Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline 		I know that master so well also. He is demanding, making me forget things and fragments of my past. Can't take meds to keep his roar under control. At times having trouble being pain-free.

PErhaps if mom and I indulge in a hottub, we can keep his demands at bay...

_____________________________

Goddess of Yarn

You are making two and a half feet of irresistible, tubular sex! -Lola, Kinky Boots

Founder: Bitch with Tits

Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap and have great sex

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 12:38:29 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I found a personal hot tub helped a lot... but it had to be a personal one.  Less chemicals... no need to put on clothes that hurt to put on and take off.  Once my husband had to carry me and put me in twelve times in a day... it was the only way I could walk and it wasn't a personal hot tub and was a lot of hassles with the clothes and having to shower after.

I found they are an instant relief... but within half an hour.. the pain is back.  With rainy weather or even a threat of rain...omg!  We will be getting a hot tub!  We were supposed to have one this year but other repairs ruined my plans.  Damn it and ouch! lol

I hope you all feel better!  Don't let the fibrodevil get you down!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to ShaharThorne)
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RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 12:47:51 PM   
ShaharThorne


Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline 		There are doctors who will prescribe hottubs for fibro patients and though the insurance companies will fight it, eventually you will get one.

*evil grin* Perhaps I need to talk to Mom's doctor....

_____________________________

Goddess of Yarn

You are making two and a half feet of irresistible, tubular sex! -Lola, Kinky Boots

Founder: Bitch with Tits

Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap and have great sex

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 12:50:11 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		If I had insurance you can bet somebodies sweet ass I would!  But I want the model that comes with the towel guy that does massage! hehe

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to ShaharThorne)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 1:16:30 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Okay... to those that pray... I ask that you pray for lovingpet.  I've been talking to her and encouraging her to find a way to the hospital and to get some help.  She can use all the help she can get at the moment.  She will update me as she can... but at the moment she will need a sitter and a hospital run and that is challenging at the moment.

Thank you!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 2:09:10 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your encouragements and prayers.  I am still trying to get myself to the dr, but it is still not working out. 

lovingpet

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 3:54:57 PM   
ShaharThorne


Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline 		my thoughts are with you, Pet!

_____________________________

Goddess of Yarn

You are making two and a half feet of irresistible, tubular sex! -Lola, Kinky Boots

Founder: Bitch with Tits

Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap and have great sex

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 4:00:48 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you sweetie!

(in reply to ShaharThorne)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 4:15:51 PM   
Kitty4Maitre


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline 		Hugs and strength to you Lovingpet.  I teach pilates and some of my members have your master and your post has given me more insight of the brutality of this cruel disease.  It is small comfort, but know your post will help me guide them with more understanding and empathy. 

Wishing you more good days than bad.

Kitty xxx

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 4:16:35 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i do not (to the best of my knowledge for whatever that's worth) suffer from this particular infliction....but sadly i knew when i read this post it what it was referring to...i've been there more times than i care to count...Sometimes by my own actions, and sometimes by my own stupidity....
Lovingpet, i will be praying for you..
Kali


_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 4:41:32 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you Kitty.  I do hope some good can come of what I go through.  Just show them the gentleness they need and always trust that what they say they are experiencing is real.  That is more than we often get from the medical community.

Kali, hugs girl.  You are going through so much!  You are in my prayers as well!  The drs still haven't given a final diagnosis to me, but fibro is among them.  We both need answers.  Wisdom and tenacity to our docs to get at the answers and do what is in the best interest of their patients.

lovingpet   

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 8:53:09 PM   
MeaganBlake


Posts: 56
Joined: 1/8/2009
From: Central Ohio
Status: offline 		I have the same master. When I was 30, I had to quit my dream job, give up my dream apartment, and move back home with my parents. Even now, ten years later, I can only work part time, and I still miss 2-3 days of work a month.

I live in constant pain. If I have a "good day," I try to get as much done as possible, and even then I pay for it for the next few days. I'm constantly exhausted, even after 10 or 12 hours of sleep. Some days I can barely drag myself out of bed, and when I do, every little movement is painful. I take ibuprofin by the handful to keep the edge off the pain so I can function.

Hugs to you. I know what you're going through. My prayers are with you.

_____________________________

Meagan



(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/8/2009 11:10:05 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		i don't live with fibro, but i do know pain.  pain that is so bad you can't hold still when it flares, pain that is wearing like the dull constant ache of a toothache that is in a much larger part of your anatomy, some days the whole damn thing.  it's taxing, mentally and physically to get thru the days and some nights there is no relief even in sleep.  i wish there was something i could do beyond share my solidarity with all of you, knowing we face some of the toughest challenges life can bring.  i try so hard to keep a positive outlook, reminding myself that there are others much worse than i am, even on my worst days.  i have done my best to be grateful for what i do have, even if it's not perfect, i have it and there are those that don't.  my prayers are with all of you going thru tough times. 

PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!




(in reply to MeaganBlake)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/9/2009 5:22:37 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you Meagan.  I know about all those kinds of things.  One of the hardest things right now is that I am pretty well missing my kids growing up.  I am watching my marriage crumble from this and so many other reasons.  People don't get it.  I have every derogatory label attached to me now that people can think of because there are no answers and I don't get better and all those treatments that should have worked don't.  I am a fake, lazy, incompetent, mentally unstable, seeking drugs, and more and more each and every day.  It just breaks me some days.

PM, I know you are and have been through a lot of long, nasty chronic pain too.  Most of this isn't a fibro thing.  It's a chronic pain thing.  We are not treated with the kindness and compassion shown to others who suffer lifechanging illnesses and disabilities.  All we can really do that is sure is support each other.

For those curious, I never got to the hospital yesterday.  I may get there today if my plan works out.  It was a tough night.  Thanks to each of you that have been offering support through this.

lovingpet

(in reply to PanthersMom)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Mastered: A Rant - 6/9/2009 10:48:18 AM   
ShaharThorne


Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline 		Today was not a good day for me. Woke up stiffer than a dead body, so I had to get some Advil in my system before I can get started on laundry (luckily its once a week). Stilll tired so after pants are done, I am taking a wee nap.

Fibro is such a bitch...

_____________________________

Goddess of Yarn

You are making two and a half feet of irresistible, tubular sex! -Lola, Kinky Boots

Founder: Bitch with Tits

Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap and have great sex

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 20
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