cloudboy
Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pearlandsub
Question: I'm married and want to serve a fem/dom without my wife's knowledge. Wrong or not?
Let me pretty much say you've received the whole plethora of "asshole" responses here. Sorry gallery, but I've been down this road, and your responses, IMO are not the best.
1. Honesty is not always the best policy. People that think like this don't appreciate your situation.
2. Those in an open poly relationship don't always remember/understand what its like to be stuck in monogamy when its not working for you but seemingly working for your spouse.
3. Those saying "why can't you just submit to your wife," as a rule just don't get it.
4. Lastly, don't you just love all those folks who drop the cheating card on you?
5. What's also funny are the monogamy proponents here who haven't really been monogamous in their lives or who have fallen victim to it. That would be the # of folks who haven't even been married and monogamous for say, 10 years. This group can be rather vocal and judgmental. Please remember, YOU, don't live in THEIR ideal world.
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Here are some cold hard facts. You are the one who has to live your own life and you are the one who is best positioned to balance being selfish (doing what you need for yourself) and meeting other's needs and expectations. In your position, then, you simply cannot listen to the gallery to tell you what is "right" and what is "wrong." They don't have your life, they don't know your feelings, they won't be there when you expire and your life ends.
What you are experiencing is perfectly natural --- finding out that lifelong monogamy to one person in a marital relationship is far from what you "really want." Of course you cannot really admit this because you will be castigated. People will see you as the problem, not the unrealistic expectations / demands of lifetime "no one else, ever."
Things to think about:
1. John Warren has a good point. If you do venture out and find someone, what will you do if your wife finds out? Its good to have this question settled.
2. He raised another good point as well. If you find someone and a relationship develops --- how will you balance the two relationships. This is quite an emotional hardship.
3. Here's my story. My wife is 100% vanilla. On top of that she found out about my kink before we got married. She rejected it. As much as I thought I could closet the kink or manage it in private, I really could not not deny it. The end result between us was that two very compatible loving people were not meeting each other's needs on an intimate level. Rather than break up, we went through a period of frustration "why aren't you more for me...." Then we went into a period of acceptance and now we have opened things up. We have an agreement that we are allowed to see other people, discreetly. This presents its own challenges, but its nice now to be able to raise one's middle finger at all those who would accuse me of cheating. Next, life is just alot better and more exciting since we changed out of strict monogamy. Life once again feels like it holds unseen, untapped, and exciting possibilities ---- I myself no longer feel "finite" and "permanently decided."
Plus, I still have the stability and love of marriage behind me --- to someone I am not seeking to replace.
4. What you need to do is gain some extra marital experience to see how it feels. Next, you need to see what kind of dialogue you can engineer with your wife. In sum, you need to try and get yourself unstuck and more liberated while staying married.
5. If you do open things up, how will you handle your wife being "out in the field?"
6. Get the female perspective on affairs. This weekend at the bookstore I read two chapters on this subject in:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0066211662/qid=1140444771/sr=1-4/ref=sr_1_4/002-7942022-1968052?s=books&v=glance&n=283155
I found it particularly interesting that one woman held up Katherine Hepburn as one of her idols/role models. It was also interesting to see these women describe the difference between being with their husband and their affairee, and about how one dealt with her husband having a Mistress.
On reading these two chapters, I thought to myself, the key to life is being able to think outside the box in ways that allow you to be your truer self. It also helps to know that you are not alone, that you are facing a rather classic problem. This helps you feel less insane and isolated, and it helps you laugh off other's who would suggest you are a criminal or might end up old, deserted, and living in and old van all by yourself, unloved.
What I appreciate more than anything is how complicated your situation is and how much courage and vulnerability you must exhibit to take chances and risks while you are marrred.
Good luck.
< Message edited by cloudboy -- 2/20/2006 7:26:43 AM >
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RE: Lighten up. - 
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