asdf1234
Posts: 2
Joined: 6/11/2009
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I have nowhere else to turn to for advice on this - even my therapist refused to comment (typical). So if you can endure a long post, I REALLY need some help. Also, I know mixing drugs and sex is not SSC...don't need the lecture.
Background:
I've been in an abusive relationship before, and swore to myself NEVER AGAIN, kinda a feminist pact that at the first sign of violence I would end a relationship. Now, I don't know whether to stick to that or give my current partner another chance.
I'm living with a man I've been dating for 7 months. We are NOT 24/7 and I'm generally NOT submissive outside the bedroom, and not particularly sub inside the bedroom either (I like S/M and some bondage, but only when we BOTH want it, and my sex drive is considerably lower than his). We've also agreed not to take emotions out in the bedroom, keep BDSM strictly "scene-ish" and logical.
The man is a total sweetheart, dealing with my mental health issues and taking care of me and my bullshit. Very kind and caring, not a dick at all. Or that's what I'd say, until now. Oh, and he's completely moved in with very big things into my apartment.
Recently, about a month ago, our sex life started declining and I thought about breaking it off before he was completely moved into my place. We discussed this, and in his desperation he agreed to an open relationship, even though he hates them - he thinks that if I explore I'll be ready to settle. I agreed, because it wasn't all bad, and maybe he could be right.
So the other night, for the first time, I spent a night with someone else. He spent the night alone, unable to sleep and called into work the next day - he was really distraught. But we talked it over afterwards, had some good sex (the first in a LONG time), and things seemed to be OK.
Problem:
Until later in the night (the one after I'd been with someone else), when he wanted sex and I didn't. Every time before this, a few "no"s is all it takes and he'll leave me alone - as I said, not submissive in bed. This time, he suggested that I take a large quantity of Valium (puts me out of it, don't care about anything that's going on, just kinda blurry in my mind) to enact a scene where I'm really out of it and he's taking advantage. That sounded fun to me, so I agreed, but the FIRST thing I said was NO ANAL PLAY. He said he thought it would add to the "taken advantage of" feeling and I repeated my NO and he agreed.
Also, before the Valium had kicked in, he suggested that to put me really out of it that we use this inhalant stuff that you use to clean computers. I said NO, that I didn't trust it not to kill brain cells, he argued that I'd be fine as long as I didn't lose too much O2, but I reiterated the NO. I've done this inhalant a few time long ago, but since then - for months now - I've turned it down because I don't trust the chemicals and he KNOWS this.
So here comes the sex. As soon as I'm really out of it and don't give a fuck on the Valium, while we're having sex, he starts blowing the inhalant into my face and hell, it felt GOOD, so I didn't object because I did not care and was not thinking of brain cells (Valium). As soon as I'd start to come off of it (it makes it so you have no idea what the fuck is going on) he'd spray me again.
Then came the anal play. I think he started with a small plug, which I didn't really notice, and then he starts shoving his cock up there. I managed to say OW between major peaks of the hits and he did stop that pretty quickly. He continued to fuck me with the spray until he let it lapse a bit and I expressed that the anal was NOT COOL, at which point the sex stopped and we talked.
He apologized for the anal, but insists that I never said no to the inhalant. I know for sure I did BEFORE the Valium OD kicked in, though I also know after the Valium kicked in I did not protest. He says at no point, before or after, did I say no inhalant, and this is just a lie.
Solution?:
Basically, after we'd stopped fucking, I told him never to talk of what happened again, because sometimes on high doses of Valium I can't remember what happened. However, what I took was 1/5 of what I'd need to take to get even a BIT of that effect, so I remember it all. Clearly. The next day I woke up early and acted super-nice to him, but today I'm grumpy and brewing with anger but have not told him why.
Advice:
I don't know how to go forth. Stop moping and fake it til I make it? It's not something that could easily happen again - but the fact that he took aggression out on me in that manner makes me really uncomfortable, and now I'm imagining all the other ways shit could go down (drunken bondage past set limits/mindfucks at inappropriate/sensitive times...etc). Logically, and according to my politics, I "should" kick him out of the apartment....but there's so much stuff of his here, it'd be a huge hassle, he has no job to go back home to, etc....
None of what happened that night jives with anything that's happened before, he's not an aggressive or angry person...but then again, in the past abusive relationship it didn't start for a few months, then stopped after we discussed it, and when it re-surfaced we were too entangled for me to just get out quickly. Which is what I don't want to happen here.
Basically, how do I make sure this is a one time thing due to extenuating circumstances (last time, with the other guy, talking and promises after the first time only delayed things) - or can I? What would you do? Wait to see if it happens again? What if we're too entrenched (I get more dependent on him every day - mental health, etc.)? I know how the conversation will go down, he'll deny the inhalant thing and it'll sound like kicking him out is excessive. Is this a trait that only comes up in people who are LIKE that, or could someone just be pushed to that (due to the open relationship he does not want)?
I don't know, I'm just telling my story and hoping for feedback/advice etc from people who are in similar kinky relationships (I know in 24/7 this would be acceptable, but we are not that).
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BDSM or abuse? - 
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