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First meeting guidelines - 1/16/2004 7:53:55 AM   
ShadowHwk


Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline 		Guidelines for first meetings

Just a quick list for those that might be interested in some thoughts I have had about first meetings and how to carry them off safely and successfully. Please feel free to add to, and/or comment about any of the following. We can only extend our knowledge by thinking about things and sharing those thoughts with others.

First meetings are stressful. Coming face to face with someone, with whom you may have shared intimate moments via the net or over the phone – but upfront and in person – all sorts of emotions start to boil upward in our minds. Will they really like and accept you? Will you really like them? How well do you know them? How well do they really know you?

First meetings can be dangerous. There are predators out there. Those who prey on the weak and naïve. Those who are not really what they pretend.

To minimize risk to self, both mentally and physically, adopting a few rules/guidelines for how you approach a first meeting seems like it might have merit. These guidelines are appropriate for both Dom(me)/Master and sub/slave alike. Think about it, as a Dom(me) you are as vulnerable to being setup as a submissive. Be safe.

The guidelines:

1. Let someone know what you are doing. This should be either a friend or family member. Let them know where you are going, how long you are staying, and when you expect to be back. Make sure you know how to contact this person while you are gone, in case something unexpected happens – you don’t want them to worry needlessly. I usually let at least two people know - in case one of them gets overcome by events and forgets about me.

2. Set up a safety call, so that within a couple of hours of your rendezvous, you have to make a phone call otherwise someone starts looking for you.

3. NEVER plan to spend the night with someone you are first meeting. No matter how attracted to them you are. If the trip involves an overnight stay –then get your own room. This gives you a safe place to which you can retreat and regroup.

4. Meet in a public place – a place where other people are within easy contact. Never agree to a private meeting for a first get together. A public restaurant is a good choice, an almost empty dark movie theater is not.

5. Never climb into bed, ropes, harnesses, etc… during the first meeting. If this person is REALLY the ONE, then it won’t matter if you wait till your second meeting to “consummate” the relationship.

6. First meetings are really not a good time to do your first scene with this person. No matter how bad you really want to taste/use the lash.

7. Courtesy of Voltare (Thanks!!!) : A picture is worth a 1000 words, a real time viewing via a web cam is worth more like a million. Before spending money on plane tickets and such, invest $20.00 in a Web Camera, and insist that who ever your meeting do the same. This gives you a chance to see each other face to face in near real time. Those who are proud of who they are, tend to be eager to share this. Those with something to hide, on the other hand, tend to resent the expectation. Be very wary of someone who wants you to meet them in real life who will NOT let you view them via a web camera first.

8. Courtesy of Westside (Thanks!!!) : Bring a friend to your first meeting. Both for safety and to get a second opinion of your new friend. They can sit with you or at a nearby table. Great for nervousness, too.

9. Courtesy of proudsub (Thanks!!!) : Be very careful about having pictures taken of you whether it is during your first play session or later, you don't know who will eventually see them, post them on the web, or even use them for blackmail. I speak from expeience. Also be aware that many webcams can be used to capture and save pictures and video clips.

That all being said – most of it seems like common sense and it is, but we can all be carried away by our own desires. Don’t be in a hurry – if it’s right, it will work out. Save yourself the grief.

Have I always followed these guidelines. No. I have been overcome by events, my feelings, my lusts, my wants, and my desires. In the end have I always wished that I had followed those guidelines? Without exception.

Peace and Light.
ShadowHwk

< Message edited by ShadowHwk -- 2/8/2004 8:41:34 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: First meeting guidelines - 1/16/2004 12:57:11 PM   
ProDomme


Posts: 50
Joined: 1/8/2004
Status: offline 		Some very good advice ShadowHwk.

(in reply to ShadowHwk)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: First meeting guidelines - 1/16/2004 3:13:53 PM   
NewSubGirl


Posts: 15
Joined: 1/12/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you very much for posting your guidelines, ShadowHwk. As one who is completely new to the lifestyle and unaware of the expected protocol (e-mails have been sent berating the capital letters in my LogIn - no rules were posted, so sorry!) any advice is greatly, greatly appreciated. Common sense would dictate that the suggestions given are no different than those that should be followed when a vanilla couple meet for the first time - with few differences, my mother told me the same rules as a child. A meeting has been scheduled for me next week that i am very excited about. He insisted on the same precautions for my safety and peace of mind. To me, that showed such care and respect.

Thank you again!

newsubgirl

(in reply to ShadowHwk)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: First meeting guidelines - 1/16/2004 3:26:14 PM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		New, don't worry about anyone that is so childish as to write you to berate you about your name on the forum. There is nothing in either the collar me rules or the rules for the forum that stated a non-dominant MUST use a lower case letter. If you are there to chat or discsuss, does your personal lifechoices make a difference anyway? Plus, be serious. Look at your sign in name. If they need a lower case to tell your chosen station, they are pretty bad at seeing the obvious, aren't they?

Anyway, I always prefer proper English. I do use a capital letter when speaking about Master, but that is because it is being used as a proper name in that instance. If I say *a master*, then it is just a noun and I don't capitalize it.

Sandy

(in reply to NewSubGirl)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: First meeting guidelines - 1/16/2004 3:42:52 PM   
NewSubGirl


Posts: 15
Joined: 1/12/2004
Status: offline 		LOL! My mother was an English professor. With each e-mail or posting on this site, I have been killing myself going back and deleting the capital I and replacing with it with a lower-case i. Aargh! What is the difference between a sub and slave? Are the rules of protocol different for a Master/slave relationship than for a D/s one? Or, is this something that goes beyond labels and is up to each individual couple.

Do they publish a "BDSM for Dummies" book for newbies?

Holly

(in reply to EStrict)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: First meeting guidelines - 1/16/2004 4:05:37 PM   
Voltare


Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline 		Excellent advice, ShadowHwk, I agree with all of it.

Additionally, I strongly urge those who are making long distance plans, if you intend to spend more then $500 to visit someone, I URGE you to require (and yourself invest in) 20$ for a webcam. In my own experience, those who are proud of who they are, tend to be eager to share this. Those with something to hide, on the other hand, tend to resent the expectation.

Ultimately, take any personals site with a grain of salt, and see it like meeting someone at a bar. Would you really fly across the country on the hopes of meeting the 'one' based on a couple hours talking at a bar?

Another thought, though, while meeting online can be dangerous, it can be VERY rewarding as well. Just like people you meet in a bar, you might just find the person who (insert witty romantic matchmaking bliss comment here) you. Just be certain you're doing it safely.

newsubgirl - I'll echo EStrict's comments. Some online elitists have developed their own sense of online right and wrong - but your common sense is far more important. After three years online, I still take a woman who uses proper grammar and punctuation over A/any S/silly O/onlineisms. Do what your fingers tell you to do - you'll find good people will respect you for who you are, and what you think - not how you juggle capital letters.

Stephan

(in reply to ShadowHwk)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: First meeting guidelines - 1/16/2004 4:05:59 PM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		::laughing:: Sorry Holly, the book would be in the *opinion* of the person that wrote it. The one that drives me nuts is that some feel *their* way is the ONLY way. I know many that speak in 3rd person. I can write 3rd person (or speak) as well as anyone. But I can't stand reading it, so I don't. It's the same with the W/we, Y/you, U/us thing. ::wrinkles my nose:: I'm with Sheri, I don't have a stutter and I want something to read the way I write it.

I am just thankful Master would rather my writing be clear and honest than any of the acceptable not gramatical styles out there. Don't get me wrong, I would never critisize someone for typo's (I'm dyslexic myself), and don't even care that others do the 3rd person or cap thing, as long as they extend me the same basic right to NOT do what they do because I prefer the correct (and to me easy way to read) style of writing.

Sandy

(in reply to NewSubGirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: First meeting guidelines - 1/16/2004 9:50:36 PM   
ShadowHwk


Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline 		Stephan,

That is a great idea - mind if I edit my post to add that to the list? With proper attribution of course!

Thanks
Terry
AKA ShadowHwk

< Message edited by ShadowHwk -- 1/16/2004 9:51:06 PM >

(in reply to Voltare)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: First meeting guidelines - 1/28/2004 10:14:06 AM   
westside


Posts: 121
Joined: 1/28/2004
Status: offline 		I'd add to bring a friend to your first meeting -- Both for safety and to get a second opinion of your new friend. They can sit with you or at a nearby table. Great for nervousness, too.

Wes

(in reply to ShadowHwk)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: First meeting guidelines - 2/8/2004 12:51:29 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		I would like to add one more suggestion--be very careful about having pictures taken of you whether it is during your first play session or later, you don't know who will eventually see them, post them on the web, or even use them for blackmail. I speak from expeience. Also be aware that many webcams can be used to capture and save pictures and video clips.

(in reply to westside)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: First meeting guidelines - 2/8/2004 8:36:32 AM   
ShadowHwk


Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: westside

I'd add to bring a friend to your first meeting -- Both for safety and to get a second opinion of your new friend. They can sit with you or at a nearby table. Great for nervousness, too.

Wes


Wes,

Good idea. I will be adding it to the list.

Thanks
ShadowHwk

(in reply to westside)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: First meeting guidelines - 2/8/2004 8:37:20 AM   
ShadowHwk


Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

I would like to add one more suggestion--be very careful about having pictures taken of you whether it is during your first play session or later, you don't know who will eventually see them, post them on the web, or even use them for blackmail. I speak from expeience. Also be aware that many webcams can be used to capture and save pictures and video clips.


Those who can learn from the experience of others are wise! I will be adding this to the list as well. Thank you

(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/9/2004 11:40:10 AM   
ShadowHwk


Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline 		Good Info for the new and the old.

*Bump*

(in reply to ShadowHwk)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/14/2004 9:43:56 PM   
ShadeDiva


Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		I personally find that the ultimate BEST place to arrange a real life meeting is at a munch.

*smile*

Low key, public, casual, and your buddies will be *right* there if they turn out to be either a flake and stand ya up or or just unbelievably boring or obviously not someone you are going to click with. *smile*

Plus it gives them a chance to meet other friendly faces in the local scene, and if it is obviously you aren't going to click, well maybe, they will click with another at the munch.

After all you never know!

That being said, I tend to distrust folks that refuse outright or seem to never be able to make it to a munch. It's in a vanilla setting and is one of the safest ways to meet people - so I just don't buy excuses for not going to them. Someone wants to meet me, I tell them what munches I am going to be at. If they are sincerely interested - they will make one. If they aren't - well, nothing invested, nothing lost. <shrug>

~ShadeDiva

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to ShadowHwk)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/20/2004 6:08:46 AM   
MizSuz


Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NewSubGirl

LOL! My mother was an English professor. With each e-mail or posting on this site, I have been killing myself going back and deleting the capital I and replacing with it with a lower-case i. Aargh! What is the difference between a sub and slave? Are the rules of protocol different for a Master/slave relationship than for a D/s one? Or, is this something that goes beyond labels and is up to each individual couple.

Do they publish a "BDSM for Dummies" book for newbies?

Holly



Don't worry yourself with others expectations of you until you have agreed to submit to their expectations. In fact, it's a good indication of the sort of person you are dealing with if someone who doesn't even know you wants you to start acting as if you're supposed to cowtow and scrape just because you are submissive and they are dominant.

Save all that extra energy for yourself and the person who will value your exceptional command of the english language as it is.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to NewSubGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/26/2004 7:35:05 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline 		A friend of mine met some guy at a munch, talked on the phone for a week, met for coffee and went back to his place where he beat the living daylights out of her.

She insisted after the fact that he seemed nice, and still did not understand why she
should use a safe call.

For me, I provide all of my personal information up front, play in a place that is known to the safe call. Arrange said safe call, etc. I believe anybody unwilling to be this open and up front about something which involves rendering another person helpless and captive would be a poor choice of a partner.

But then I am also old fashioned. I prefer the whole dating ritual and getting to know the person and delayed gratification to emailing checklists of sexual positions and getting weird on the first date.

But that is just me, and I am probably wrong.

Sinergy

(in reply to MizSuz)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/27/2004 5:31:50 AM   
MizSuz


Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

But then I am also old fashioned. I prefer the whole dating ritual and getting to know the person and delayed gratification to emailing checklists of sexual positions and getting weird on the first date.

But that is just me, and I am probably wrong.



Then we are probably wrong together.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/27/2004 6:42:16 AM   
LadyBeckett


Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline
quote:

It's the same with the W/we, Y/you, U/us thing. ::wrinkles my nose:: I'm with Sheri, I don't have a stutter and I want something to read the way I write it.


It seems to me like we've talked about this on another thread, but I agree with this. I have subs that will use the lower case i when we talk online, or in correspondence (I have a sub stationed in Afghanistan right now) but that W/we thing just gets on my nerves. We can demonstrate respect for one another without that.

quote:

She insisted after the fact that he seemed nice, and still did not understand why she
should use a safe call.


Never leave home without one!!

quote:

But then I am also old fashioned. I prefer the whole dating ritual and getting to know the person and delayed gratification to emailing checklists of sexual positions and getting weird on the first date.

But that is just me, and I am probably wrong.


There are a whole lot of us that are wrong on that one then! lol

I take my time with everything, and if it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. I ask questions, check things out. If the person I'm talking to doesn't ask questions, or is reluctant to answer questions, then that's a caution light to me.

quote:

That all being said – most of it seems like common sense and it is, but we can all be carried away by our own desires. Don’t be in a hurry – if it’s right, it will work out. Save yourself the grief.


Words to the wise...Thank you, ShadowHwk




_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to EStrict)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/27/2004 8:54:02 PM   
iwillserveu


Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Everyone has a different definition. Until you know exactly what you are i'd reccoimmed the term submissive/slave so you are only half wrong.

Seriously, anyone concerned with "protocol" in that matter is laughable. It is more important that you be you.

Oh, in case you are collecting different peoples definitions

bottom- someone who likes to be tied up for sex but is otherwise not submissive

submissive - someone who "submits" in the bedroom, but beyond play is not "submissive"

slave - someone who continues the submission outside of the bedroom.

dedicated submissive - lucky bastard owned by M'Lady

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to NewSubGirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: First meeting guidelines - 4/28/2004 9:10:58 AM   
goodwoman


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/28/2004
Status: offline 		interested in comments:

i had information as to Dominant's name/phone number
we met at a local coffee shop/restaurant
i had set up a safe call.

Dominant & submissive meet.

Dominant seems like a good guy,
the two talk about seeing each other again, for dinner or lunch.

then - at the first meeting, -- still at the original coffee shop, still at the first meeting... we have talked for perhaps one hour in person total -- He asks the submissive to leave the restaurant to 'take a ride in his car' out in the countryside .

i said no.

He is no longer interested in me.


comments?


~~edited to clarify a point~~

< Message edited by goodwoman -- 4/28/2004 9:13:40 AM >

(in reply to iwillserveu)
Profile   Post #: 20
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