RE: The voices in my head. (Full Version)

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DavanKael -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/20/2009 8:44:47 PM)

Arpig, it's really cool that you started this thread to help others better understand you as well as folks who also have schizo-affective disorder (Or the other diagnoses within that grouping). 
I also think that kuriousswitch provides a great ounter-point to some of the distinctions between what you deal with and what she deals with having DID (Previously called MPD). 
As a clinician, it's great to see people willing to share to help those who deal with these diagnoses to be less pathologized and better understood. 
I also thought it relevant to add that sometimes people suffering from depression, particularly when there's been a sudden loss of a loved one, will hear voices too. 
And, different cultures deal with the phenomenon of peple hearing voices quite differently. 
Cool thread. 
Best wishes, 
  Davan



Arpig -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/20/2009 9:18:06 PM)

That's interesting, how you feel a need to let the others forward. I also find it interesting that the others can entertain themselves while you are in charge. What is it like ti you when one of the others are forward? are you in the world in your head?



Arpig -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/20/2009 9:21:58 PM)

Thanks Davan, the thread has morphed into something more than what i set out to make, and I am glad of it. I don't know about the others who have contributed their stories, but speaking for myself I find it very liberating to be able to talk about it, its not something that one can generally talk to people about face-to-face, because it tends to weird them out.
Please feel free to contribute to the discussion from your perspective as a clinician, I for one would welcome any input you might be able to give.



kuriouswitch -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/20/2009 9:31:19 PM)

There are actually parts I'm not allowed to go to, there's a door in the main room that has huge chains and padlocks that the elders won't let me open and I kind of don't want to. If we're co sharing the front then it's kind of like everything is distant, I can see and hear but can't react, I can't move the body ect. I've learned to kind of shut the body down, especially if someone new is meeting Master so they can't run out of the room or the house in a panic. They can run back to their room here if they want to but the body isn't allowed to leave. If they take over it's kind of black, I don't see the house, or outside unless i'm aware or we're co-concious. I've been at work and the last thing I remember is dealing with a customer then I "come to" and I find all the stuff on my to do list is done, all the photo orders are caught up and all i have to do now is the boring stuff lol. But usually I stay in the "front room" it's a huge room with wood paneled walls and a dark carpet and a huge desk in front of this large pane glass window, there's chairs all around the table and there's some cushions and some toys in the corner if the kids want to be in the front room and play and there's a door in the back leading to the bedrooms and the kitchens and the dungeon and there's the front door that leads outside and there's the locked door and one plastic ficus ( i don't know why lol) but sometimes a friend of mine, Jen who was the first to know I was a multiple and knows everyone will call a round table meeting and that's where everyone sits. or if a new contract needs to be made that's where everyone goes to listen and agree or disagree. If someone comes out to spend time with Master, everyone calls him something different, the room is different, it's more cozy, there's a large chair that he "sits" in and there's other chairs or cushions if they don't want to sit in his lap (if it's a child) and lower lighting and books and toys for the kids or a music player for the teens. outside there's another building that holds the play rooms, one is full of dolls for the girls and then Bobby has his own play room that has a giant electical train set  up that he plays with and there's also the angry room, you can go in there and throw mud or paint the walls, scream, break everything in there and when you leave the room cleans itself, removes the mud or paint, fixes the broken stuff so that's been a blessing. there's also a playground with swings and stuff. The elders are usually out, the two males fix the broken "walls" and make sure nothing bad is coming out, one will send new people he finds "home" and then Archer makes sure I know what i need to know, that I don't know what will set me off and that Master is kept updated with the goings on inside and Devil's Advocate makes sure all the records are kept. There's more but I didn't realize till now how elaborate it is. Master surprised the kids by "building" the building with the playrooms and anger room and he "built" the playground as well but the rest has always been here. there are more rooms than I can count.



Arpig -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 12:20:12 AM)

holy carp!! That's all I can say. I am speechless. That is an amazing world in your head. I am sure I will have some more questions once I have read your post a few times and digested it. Right now what struck me was you said Master had built parts of the house in your head. Is Master one of your others, or do you mean your real world Master?



kuriouswitch -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 12:41:00 AM)

my real world Master.  I'm a very tactile visual person, photography is one of my favorite hobbies and the kids were getting bored having to stay in their rooms all day or not being allowed to wander out to the meadow or the river ( all of this is internal) in case the monsters came so Master "built" these new things in here that they can play with. I know it's all made up but the kids being kids and believing in magic take it for granted that someone outside can add stuff inside. Master's added other things as well to keep us safe from the monsters and it's actually helped us sleep and keep food down when there's high stress.



Arpig -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 12:44:54 AM)

That's amazing!! Your internal mental world is apparently fully interactive![:)] It must be a real challenge and yet a great adventure for your master.



slaveboyforyou -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 1:47:42 AM)

Fast Reply:

quote:

I deal with this.

I also deal with the suicidal ideation.  NEVER would I commit suicide, but there are times, for instance, when I'm driving down the road and as I approach a bridge abutment think about what it would be like to just drive at full speed into it.
It's even more common for me to think about traffic accidents where I'm crossing an intersection and someone runs a red light... ending in my fatality.

I think the vehicular aspect comes from having spent the majority of my adult life as a professional driver....


I've skimmed through this thread, and this one caught my eye Greedy.  See I don't deal with suicidal urges.  I have fucked up thoughts about thrill seeking activities, but they never involve death.  Mine involve chaos.  I have instances where I wonder about blowing up a bridge I'm driving across, setting a large building on fire, pouring gasoline on an entire lot full of cars and torching them, blowing up a dam, manipulating an entire city into a riot, etc.  None of my random thoughts involve hurting anyone or myself.  I just wonder how much of a thrill it would be to cause random chaos and anarchy.  I've drove by banks and wondered how I would carry out a robbery.  Would I do a strong-arm robbery or tunnel in and blow a safe?  I've thought about both.

Of course, I would NEVER do any of these things.  All would actually hurt people.  I could never hurt another innocent human being.  It's not in me, and all of these passing thoughts would cause harm to others.  I think we all have thoughts like these.  It's human nature to wonder what acts out of our character would feel like.  Could I actually enjoy sitting on a hill above a city and watch it burn and devolve into complete chaos and enjoy it?  I hope not, but I have wondered if I could.  I don't wonder about the feeling of being a hero; I wonder what it would feel like to be Nero.  (It rhymes [:D].)



kuriouswitch -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 10:00:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

That's amazing!! Your internal mental world is apparently fully interactive![:)] It must be a real challenge and yet a great adventure for your master.



well as a kid I spent a lot of time living inside my head to get away. I figured it better be nicer than what was outside, and if others are going to live there better make it even nicer. I don't know about other multiples but it's how we operate.
Arpig, you talked about your voices (almost said people lol) so I thought I'd give you a brief run down of mine.

Maria is 5, she thinks she's a princess like most girls do and should be treated as such. For her everything is pink and has to be tinkerbell. I have more real life tinkerbell things and shirts ect than most kids have.

Bobby is 6, he likes trains and airplanes and keeps asking Master what you need to do to be a real Man. he wants to be a pilot one day.

GraySea is 9, she's the twin sister of WinterStar. GraySea is a control freak basically, she tells WinterStar what is and isn't allowed and I've even seen her stop WinterStar from eating because she didn't give permission.

WinterStar is 9, she's GraySea's twin and actually very nice and soft spoken and would rather spend all day with animals than with people.

Mary is 13, She's rebellious and loud and would rather kick and bite and scream at you then do whatever you ask of her. She's very distrustful and you have to be careful making a deal with her, if she finds a way to break it and blame you she will.

Shadow (no age) is a female who is destructive. Master has had me put her in the dungeons until we can deal with her. Shadow isn't her real name I think but what Master gave her when she refused to tell him what her name was.

Note: the elders seem to be ageless.
Archer is the one who reports to Master what's going on inside, what walls are coming down, if we're panicking and not telling him. if someone knew shows up or if there's someone who needs special time.

Devil's Advocate/Addy is the one who keeps the records, usually if we forget something she can tell us.

Wanderer is like a guardsman, he rebuilds the house walls if we need them rebuilt, if Master's taken one down then he's the one who takes the broken rock and stuff away.

Watcher is the one who travels around our world, if he finds "new" people he sends them home. He also watches the perimeter and makes sure no monsters get in, if they do he fights them off and sends a report to Archer who sends a report to Master.

There's a new one lately but I don't know anything about it, they won't tell me yet. Master knows but apparently it's not time to meet this one yet.

There's the locked up one, who stays in teh dungeon. No one ever goes there, she's not allowed out and the door to her cell is cemented shut.

She-who-hurts is the one behind the chained door, she takes care of the creatures still back there. I've met her once when someone went beyond the door and she's nice.

I think that's it, for the most part it's the children Master and I deal with, the elders only come if there's a problem or if I need help at work.



Arpig -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 11:59:41 AM)

I noticed the kids have ages. Do they age, or do they remain the same age?



Prinsexx -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 12:46:21 PM)

There are a number of different states of conxiousness i can relate to when reading this.
Drug induced states obviously Bot so much the getting hight...but the come down. Different drugs hace different come downs but some paranoid states can be really overwhelming.
I don't drugs of any kind now. But the worst for me is weed. I think it's very true what is now the current thinking on weed and it triggering latent schizophrenia.
But then there is fever. Or the effects of anaesthesia.
Then there is extreme empathy.
Then there is psychic sensitivity.
For me this is usually visual but at certain times it can carry auditory components also.
I have had some so-called 'mystical' experiences for which I am profoundly grateful and they have involved a voice or voices, or auditory anomalies which are as real as hearing say a radio or someone enter the room.
I've also 'heard' stuff during two bouts of post natal depression.
When I write in a 'heightened' way there is a way in which words 'sound' themselves out on paper. I'm just grateful that my ego has a strong enough hold on my everyday cognitive voice of the reason, the voice that we all have in our heads.
I guess the human brain is just astoundingly complex.
I think it was brave of you to share and insightful.




Alphascendant -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 1:28:43 PM)

Voices
 
 
Here we are there they are
Nobody bet we would get far
Yet here we stand hand in hand
Happy together the way we planned
We admitted to be committed
But the critics would not permit it
They would rather that we gather
On a special day
Every day in a special way
I will say I do, I do
I feel it in my heart
But that's not the only part of me that says
I want to be with you
I hear voices in my head
Rattling around my brain
I hear voices in my head
That does not mean I am insane
I hear voices in my head
Telling me what to do
Those voices in my head said
I will live forever
With you, with you, with you
When we make out I wanna shout
Beyond a doubt I'm on the route
To nirvana do ya wanna
Come with me  be my little mama
I will feed you and try to breed you
But when you bleed I will not need you
I will own you stone and bone you
Until the end of time
Every day in a special way
I will say I do, I do
I feel it in my heart
But that's not the only part of me that says
I want to be with you
I hear voices in my head
Rattling around my brain
I hear voices in my head
That does not mean I am insane
I hear voices in my head
Telling me what to do
Those voices in my head said
I will live forever
With you, with you, with you



kuriouswitch -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 9:04:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

I noticed the kids have ages. Do they age, or do they remain the same age?


They tend to stay the same. Master and I are working on an idea of giving them birthdays to "grow up"

Do your voices have ages? You said they are immortal if I remember what I read, but do they sound "older" the longer you get to know them or as they gain experience.



Arpig -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 9:49:07 PM)

No, they sound the same, they do not noticably age. But their lives carry on without my intervention, much like your others, though unlike your others, I have no direct control over their world.



kuriouswitch -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/21/2009 9:56:28 PM)

I don't have direct direct control over the world, it's more marginal control. I can add buildings ect but when it comes to going to certain places I'm not allowed to. They're (usually Archer)  not beyond using fear or other techniques such as blocking stuff from me, there are times when I've read back and portions of conversations on yahoo with Master are all jumbled, they don't make sense to me because whatever they talked about i'm not supposed to know, usually I'll read back later and it suddenly makes sense and I'll be able to read what they've talked about and fill in some blanks.



terrislut -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/27/2009 11:44:08 PM)

Hi, I have another question for KuriousWitch.

Do all your different personalities recognise your Master's authority?



kuriouswitch -> RE: The voices in my head. (6/28/2009 5:54:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: terrislut

Hi, I have another question for KuriousWitch.

Do all your different personalities recognise your Master's authority?



umm, in one word no. lmao oh my, I do have to say I'm very surprised at the patience Master shows at times. There are times when they chafe at having to ask permission for things. GraySea is a bit of a control freak so it's hard for her to settle into a new routine, especially if she isn't the one setting the routine, she doesn't do well with change or with authority so at the moment she's busy on a "I'm not talking to you" streak when it comes to Master. Mary who's 13 does NOT do well with Master sometimes, she likes to push buttons and see just how far she can go. She and Master have come to blows before which was kind of interesting when she showed me what happened, Mary's goal is to see just how long Master will "last" and how long before he walks away so sometimes that's hard.
They're more vocal than I am if they're upset or angry. If I'm angry I ask for some quiet time alone until I can get myself sorted, I don't yell or hit or slam doors ect but they do. Mary will bite or call Master horrrible names or GraySea is really good at slamming doors and yelling that he's not the boss of her.
There have been a lot of times I've gone, "oh my god you did what?!" or feeling like i have to apologize to Master for their behaviour. But for the most part they're okay with it. Mary's a teen so she's going to push anyway she can just because she can and GraySea is angry that her power over her twin's been taken away, but at the same time I've seen Mary climb into Master's lap and ask to cuddle and I've seen GraySea watching him closely. So it's not all bad. But it's taken time to get them to realize that he's not going anywhere.
The adults in here, see him more as a equal, as a friend or a "coworker" and they recognize his authority over me so they share how things are going in here, or report on who's doing what. And the younger ones see him more as a father figure, so they naturally see a kind of authority there.



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