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How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 7:21:17 AM   
ACryFromTheSoul


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline 		Two years ago I set a goal for myself, stayed on course and I am currently steps away from accomplishing my dream.

In roughly two months time, I will be back in college full time to pursue a career in the medical field. Like many before me, there was an excitement that ran through my veins when I received the news that I was accepted. Yet as the months have flown by and the afterglow has worn off, I am now faced with reality.

The hard facts:
I am changing careers from the financial industry to the medical field.
I am moving to a new state, changing my living situation from an apartment back to a dorm (to keep costs down)
I am selling my car
I am moving from a rural area to a city I am quitting my job, and will be going to school full time/placing myself in debt
I am placing all my belonging in storage
I might have to give up my cat (cry)
I am taking everything that I know as my comfort zone, and leaving it behind.
I am taking a huge risk with my future as I could completely fall flat on my face if I am unable to complete college (and this is a legitimate fear as I have learning disabilities)

Chuckling, so why am I saying all of this? 

On a normal day, I can’t deal with stress…. I am simply not equipped to handle it.  Knowing that this is a short coming, I try hard to combat it by eating well, getting enough sleep, keeping a positive attitude, adding exercise to my daily routine and cutting down my caffeine consumption. Yet I am a loss as to how to handle the overwhelming amount of stress/emotions that I am dealing with at the moment.  My parents even commented this past weekend, that I needed to get on top of things before I freeze up, and then looked at me as went “Oh shit your already there aren’t you?”  (And let me tell you, I do a great imitation of an ostridge)  

Mind you, I know that many people in my situation would also be stressed (maybe not to the max as I am) but it would still be considerable. Yet, one of the areas that I am struggling with is that I know how adding even a touch of dominance into my life would help.  And knowing from experience that structure could easily be added by another is frustrating because I can’t add it myself to the extent that I need, nor can I help myself when I need it the most

And while I know the chances of dominance being added to my life at the moment is slim. (I am not sure I am in the right head space to start a relationship at the moment, and I am not a casual player) it is the concept that is frustrating me; it is knowing of what could be, rather then what is.

So my question is how do you handle things, when life becomes overwhelming and you don’t have that calming influence of a dominant in your life?   

Thank you for your help ahead of time  
Hugs.   


P.S. examples of what I miss:
Hearing his voice/seeing him would relax me
I could tell him an issue and it became his, and I longer felt overwhelmed with emotions
Hearing a particular tone in his voice would put me in my place
Being dominated, where every thought/emotion would fly out of my head and all I could focus on was that moment/him Doing something for him that made him happy, helped take the focus off myself


< Message edited by ACryFromTheSoul -- 6/27/2009 7:26:00 AM >
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 7:26:10 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		The only calming influence in My life is Me--if I look to external resources for those things, there is always a reason that they fall short.
 
Look inside yourself, that is where it all begins.

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"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 7:31:03 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I can only echo what Cat has said. What I need exists inside me. All the other stuff only feeds it, because I've created it. I know without a doubt, if all that was removed from my life, I would still have what I need.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 7:36:12 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		Congrats to you!!

I think personally you have shown that you have something deep down in your core that is your stability and strength by all you are about to do.

Right now adding someone to your life, even though you feel it would help in some ways, might actually end up being a distraction.

You are in a good place in your life now..minus the cat issue, I feel for you there big time...just try to enjoy it with stressers and all. 




_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 7:44:14 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		One thing that I feel is important is to acknowledge that you are going through a truckload of changes in the next few months so it is natural that you are feeling nervous and under stress.  Anyone would be, this isn't you not coping with stress, this is you having a natural reaction to everything that is happening in your life. 

You are going back to study, relocating, leaving behind all of the things that are familiar to you for a life full of unknowns. This is an exciting time for you to see just how much you can accomplish on your own.  Yes it would be nice to have a dominant by your side during this time but remember that you have got this far including being accepted into college, through your own determination and hard work.  Please don't downplay your own personal strength and coping mechanisms.

By the way I feel you are doing all of the right things, getting enough sleep, exercise, healthy diet, talking to family and friends, cutting down caffeine .... maybe add in some meditation or breathing exercises (google 'progressive muscle relaxation') if you haven't already and maybe break down all of the goal/things you have to do in the next couple of months into smaller steps so they don't seem as overwhelming eg. rather than getting stressed about having to pack everything, focus on packing one box and then another box etc.

all the best in this exciting time


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(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 7:56:01 AM   
ACryFromTheSoul


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline 		thank you. hugs.

I am trying hard to look inside myself. I know I have an inner strength (or I wouldn't have been able to accomplish all that I have)  but it is the emotional inner strength that I find that I falter on, especially when I am pushed so far out of my comfort zone.

And I am struggling to keep myself balanced




(in reply to CatdeMedici)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 8:00:22 AM   
ACryFromTheSoul


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for your support, soft smile .

I agree adding someone into my life right now would only end up being a distraction.(but a girl can wish right? chuckling)

And I am in a lot of emotional pain right now knowing that I might end up losing my cat, that is the one major downside in all that I am doing. I love him dearly, and sadly none of my friends/family are able to take him even when I have stated I would pay for everything.

Hugs.


< Message edited by ACryFromTheSoul -- 6/27/2009 8:03:21 AM >

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 8:18:31 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...So my question is how do you handle things, when life becomes overwhelming and you don’t have that calming influence of a dominant in your life?...


poorly, at best.
not having a dominant influence in this slave's life lasted for about three weeks...24 years ago.
 
ended up locking up in a bathroom at a local cheap motel, until a friend coaxed this slave out and helped tear down the wall that had been built between her and the dominants in her life.

(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 8:18:43 AM   
ACryFromTheSoul


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline 		thank you... soft smile

Sometimes it is good to have another perspective. I think I am focusing on the fact of how scared I am at the moment, and how overwhelming the stress is. I am emotional person as it is (great for being passionate) but hell on the nerves.

Thank you for the suggestion on medication/breathing exercises, I hadn't thought of that. I might also add a bit of yoga back into my daily routine and see if that helps as well. Good suggestions.

Also, I appreciate the support as well.  Hugs.

< Message edited by ACryFromTheSoul -- 6/27/2009 8:20:13 AM >

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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 8:36:50 AM   
ACryFromTheSoul


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline 		aww.. hun. I can completely understand the shoes you were in..hugs

Being without a dominant/control in my life is tough. I can do it, but there is an ease that is missing that comes with being contained by someone else.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 9:26:23 AM   
sparkelfairy


Posts: 22
Joined: 4/27/2009
Status: offline 		ok I read your post op and then reread it and what I found was some one going through so many what if's and not looking at what can be. 

your going back to school appluad yourself for that.  It's not easy when I went back I had two little ones and husband.  When I graduated I knew I had done it. 

yes being without a dominate person in your life is hard, but look at the opportunity after you are settled to meet a new dom there.  Last fall I moved from Fargo,nd back home to Illinois just so I could come here meet my Master and now look forward to moving to Wisconsin with him.  You'll find one again.  have a little faith in yourself 


(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 9:56:26 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		You have so much on your plate right now that i think you need to give yourself permission to be a little stressed out. Go somewhere to yell and scream- and cry if you need to. If you get it out of your body, it tends to disipate - at least for a while, and your body can use the rest.lol.

Good luck with your changes. I know from experience that it takes a year to get used to, and accept a radical change. Don't give up because you are miserable, give the move and school a chance - stay at least a year.  If nothing else, tell your self that if so-and-so can do it, so can you!

(in reply to sparkelfairy)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 10:03:39 AM   
janiebelle


Posts: 332
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline 		First, kudos on your decision to take some proactive steps in improving your situation.  It takes a lot of strength, so I am inclined to think you will survive the transition, dom or no dom.
That said, I can totally empathize.  It's no fun, and not easy, to have to draw all strength from within, especially when you are accustomed to being able to lean on a supportive dom.  I've been on my own for about a year now, and it seems that it is only now that I don't wish for my LHs presence whenever things get a little tough.
For example, yesterday I got into some trouble breaking up a dog fight.  A few stitches and a broken bone in my hand.  As I sat in the ER, waiting for a friend to come and sit with me, I almost surprised myself when I noticed that I wasn't thinking of my LH and what he would have said or done, but instead was thinking more independently- about how the accident happened, and what I needed to do to keep it from happening again.
And I willingly called a friend to lean on.  That was the big hurdle for me- figuring out that it's OK to reach out for support if it's not right there within reach.
Most of us do have a few good friends, who can be counted on in times like this.  The trick is to accept their help.
j

(in reply to sparkelfairy)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 10:17:33 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ACryFromTheSoul

P.S. examples of what I miss:
Hearing his voice/seeing him would relax me
I could tell him an issue and it became his, and I longer felt overwhelmed with emotions
Hearing a particular tone in his voice would put me in my place
Being dominated, where every thought/emotion would fly out of my head and all I could focus on was that moment/him Doing something for him that made him happy, helped take the focus off myself



Woman, while I agree you need to find it inside you, that is effortless advice to give and intensely difficult advice to put into practice.  I know for me that last quarter in school, I wanted to quit, I had screwed up my first midterms, the level of detail of what they were asking of me was just beyond my ability to grasp, I was overwhelmed.  Frankly, I wanted some hot chick in boots to walk up, whisper in my ears, "If you do well I will let you violate me but if you don't, you will regret it.  I wanted someone who cared about me to sit with me and support me, I needed something more outside myself.

I cheated

I told myself those things using a woman's voice I found both hot and soothing.  It helped a lot.   Through hard and intense work, I ended up with a B average in the hardest classes I have ever taken.  You are a strong and dynamic woman and you CAN do this, you have friends you CAN lean on for a bit of support, and if you have to, channel someone's voice that resonates with you, allow that calm to flow over you.  Perhaps it is someone from your past, perhaps it is he who you have yet to meet. 

Girl, you CAN and WILL get through this.

(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 11:52:51 AM   
LilMichele


Posts: 65
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline 		Reading the OP's post i thought "hm...me too!"  Meaning sometimes i wish for the influence of someone stronger than me to help me through.  He's not here, He's not coming, no one else is in line, it's just me.  Today i realized that really i am kicking butt all on my own - today i finished a 5 1/2 hour exam in 4 hours and i left the room confident that i aced it!  By MYSELF!  No one made me study, no one encouraged me to work hard, no one gave me the answers, i did it on my own.  You will too.

I sometimes cheat like Michael, i use the voice in my head to tell me "girl, turn off the tv, turn of the computer, study...now!"  and had in my mind's eye a rather large man staning over me with arms crossed and that glare of 'do it now or you will regret not doing it.'  Whatever gets you through that's not destructive.  Don't be too hard on yourself, all this 'not handeling stress well' stuff.  Who handles it well?  What does that even mean?  Oh that's right, it means eating right, getting enough sleep, exercise or stress relief and being mindful of yourself.  Which is what you're doing so guess what - you're going to be fine. *smiles*

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 11:55:35 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Back in high school, your parents gave you that control. You could ask them to take it back on. To call you daily and ask how much sleep you got, if you're skipping meals, keeping on top of work.

In the meantime, this is what your cell phone planner is for. Set it to wake you up, to go to lunch, to start studying, to go to bed. My college student has her phone going off a dozen times a day telling her where to go and what to do. It works.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 12:26:13 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Hello ACryfromthe Soul
I am not sure planning on handling future events really works. Yes, it is good idea to eat right, exercise, breathing exercises etc. implimented as a daily practice. Just know you will find a way to get through it, and it is a little easier to focus on the day and not months and years down the road. I am 58 and I had to do this at 54.

At 54, I had to put down 3 animals, move my husband from Ohio to Florida in hopes that the weather would be better for him. 9 months later I buried him, and continue living in a strange state with strangers around me. I met a friend a year later and we remain friends. For 4 years I been living as a single woman and totally amazing myself. I was married 29 yrs to late hubby, and prior to him, married or living with someone. I had no concept of being single and did not know how to adapt to it. I did though, and I love it. My friend guided me in the beginning, but being smart, knew the last thing I needed was a Dom. to rescue me. At this time, I am choosing to stay alone. I am going to create all that I can of me now. It isn't easy and I permit myself to screw up:). I permit myself to feel everything. I am permitting myself all this without any meds. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar and lived with meds for 20 years. I dont look back at being misdiagnosed, i live for today. Only today and that is how I handle my life.

You will handle life as well and get your degree. If the desire is so strong we can move mountains hun. :)
oceanwinds

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I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 1:02:34 PM   
ACryFromTheSoul


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline 		thank you for the support.

While it might be good for some to scream (and maybe I should try it) what I want right now is cry, not in pity, but more to get out the emotions. To let them drain out of me. But I have a very tough time crying, so what I want and what I can do is two different things.

Thank you for giving me some perspective to things hun.. Maybe I do need to give myself permission to get stressed out a bit, and not beat myself up over losing control over of my emotions.

Hugs





(in reply to kiwisub12)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 1:11:02 PM   
ACryFromTheSoul


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for the example that you provided. You made a good point when you stated "the trick is to accept their help" I do have a hard time accepting help. Also, what can make matters worse is that I can't ask for help, the worse things get the less I am apt to ask for help which in itself a vicious circle.

It is hard to draw from within for strength, especially when when I feel that I am over taxed emotionally as it is. So I thank you for the support/example/understanding... you have givin me food for thought.

hugs



(in reply to janiebelle)
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RE: How do you handle? - 6/27/2009 1:25:08 PM   
ACryFromTheSoul


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline 		"that is effortless advice to give and intensely difficult advice to put into practice" well said. It is very difficult to put that advice into action, even with ones best efforts.  Also your example was wonderful, and to the point. It gave me quite a bit of insight, that maybe my struggles are not based on issues related to d/s but more based on human nature, and personality quirts. smile

Also, I like your suggestion regarding the fact that maybe I need to try to channel a "voice" from the past/present/future that can help motivate me to getting my butt in gear and to stop freezing up as much as I am.

Hugs. Thank you for the support, it means a lot to me.



< Message edited by ACryFromTheSoul -- 6/27/2009 2:13:27 PM >

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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