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He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 9:40:15 AM   
HisGirl8


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		Ok so this is gonna be long...

I met my current live-in BF and we immediately fell for each other. I'm completely immersed in love for him and would serve him as a slave should he ever require it. Right now it's just kinda on the edge of vanilla sometimes D/S all the rest. Which is great and I'm happy if he's happy. We know we're going to get married and this is a committed, monogamous relationship. But here's the problem...

I've been reading here a lot lately, this is actually my first post, so I have an idea of what kind of advice I'm going to get asking this. He's a switch, I'm a sub. I'm so completely sub and not Domme. I want more out of this whole D/s side and I'm worrying that with him being a switch he's not going to be satisfied. What I mean is.... and I say this with love for him and respect... he's not very dominant. He can be but... it's rare and sometimes feels forced. (I say rare but we have sex at least once a day and I get a good spanking at least twice a week. Maybe I'm just a whiney brat? Let me finish...)

One night when he was "bored" and unsure what he wanted from me I challenged him, pissed him off, so he went to bed. I stayed up, fuming, angry, and plotting. After awhile I decided I was going to go tie him up, beat his ass like he beats mine, tell him what a bad boy he was, and make him generally "mine". I didn't expect it to get very far as this is totally not the dynamic in our relationship but I tied him up, yelled at him a bunch, and had him ass up on all fours gettin beat with the crop- before he flipped me over smaked me and took control again (and thank God he did, cause I was so angry topping him like that.)

Things have gone well in all areas of our life since then. He says he hated being dominated like that and never wants to do it again; that he's happy as my Dom and has no desire to be subby anymore. But he's kinda lost that Dom feel. He's had it a few times where he's really taken me over, had me kissing his feet, silently. It was hot, I liked everything about those encounters and have told him so encouragingly. What's up? He says it's hard to be so creative. Creative? I don't feel like that's the issue- but maybe it is, who knows. It's like I just want to feel like I'm "his" but he doesn't really claim me how I want. This isn't about finding another Dom- he's my future husband. How can I help him? Can I help him?

Help me!
*curtsy*
a

BTW- why does it say "vanilla" up there in the corner? and what's up with the little tri-ying yang? thanx for having patience with the new girl ;)

< Message edited by HisGirl8 -- 2/16/2006 9:42:53 AM >
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 9:50:34 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl8
Things have gone well in all areas of our life since then. He says he hated being dominated like that and never wants to do it again; that he's happy as my Dom and has no desire to be subby anymore. But he's kinda lost that Dom feel. He's had it a few times where he's really taken me over, had me kissing his feet, silently. It was hot, I liked everything about those encounters and have told him so encouragingly. What's up? He says it's hard to be so creative. Creative? I don't feel like that's the issue- but maybe it is, who knows. It's like I just want to feel like I'm "his" but he doesn't really claim me how I want. This isn't about finding another Dom- he's my future husband. How can I help him? Can I help him?

Help me!
*curtsy*
a

Well first and foremost let me say I think you guys are doing really well in discussing this with eachother as much as you are, kudos and that is the only thing that will get you through this.

Secondly, if he has not found his true balance and does not feel fulfilled by being the dom in this relationship, it IS draining, it IS work. He loves you and wants to make you happy and says this does indeed make him happy, however it is a common thing for doms to go through burn-out at times.

Now, I'm not saying you are doing this, but it is common for a sub to want more more and more- that's a heavy order for a dom, even if they want to give it. You're happily sitting like an eager little puppy, ready for the next hair pull, the next menial order, to go scampering off, return with your pat on the head, your good fucking, and then back to the ready position. You're wanting that tightened leash feeling- it takes energy to tighten a leash. So I would recommend you taking a bit more perspective on what you're asking from him.

One night he was bored and not sure of what he wanted- a typical submissive response would be to either offer a few suggestions, or perhaps just say you both will chill out for an evening. It sounds like you weren't at all receptive to what he was communicating (not up for much tonight, but not wanting to get you pissed) but rather got pissy and angry and forced a situation. What would have happened if you took another track and said "Stay here and do something relaxing, I'll go make us a cool dessert?" Does that give you the leash tug that you want? No. But it does allow you to serve him, it allows him to relax and chill and regain some energy, and it respects everyones feelings. Sometimes being submissive means being ACTIVE, means being the one DOING something to/for the other.

I know you love eachother and you want eachother to be happy. But you both have to figure out together what exactly your feelings are, and what exactly the expectations in your relationship are, withOUT letting your frustrations and fears get in the way.




_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 9:56:40 AM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		Basically, and shocking as I know it will be, I'm in complete agreement with LuckyAlbatross here.

You really never know where you can end up here in the wonderful world of Kink. You might not be able to be the person who is ultimately in control of a relationship (i.e. a Dom or Domme for purposes of this conversation), but you might find that you have the ability to Top at some point, (i.e. the 'do-er' for purposes of this conversation.) While I identify strictly as submissive where relationships are concerned, I found that I have the ability and the skill to Top someone and enjoy it. I do not Top Sir, nor am I currently playing with anyone in any capacity outside of our relationship. But, if he decided he wanted to see how the other half lived once in a while, I would be able to do that. I would not, however, be able to assume the control role in our D/s relationship.

Being able to Top someone does not diminish or discredit you in any way as a submissive. To me, the two roles are almost, but not quite, mutually exclusive.

I am sure there will be disagreement on this.

Kassie

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 9:56:50 AM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		So you want him to claim you, but in the way you want him to, not the way he wants to? Not knowing either of you it's hard to say but he may just need to time to grow more comfortable with being dominant in the relationship or it may be that his style of dominance isn't as compatible with your needs/wants as you'd like. Also, I think you have to be realistic about what D/s looks like on a daily basis. It's not always (or even often) about him taking you over and having you kissing his feet silently. D/s relationships are like any other - you still have to pay the bills, meet social obligations, work, build a life together. It's not always going to be panty puddle inducing moments. Realistically, it can't be. I'd suggest you two take more time to assess each other's needs/wants and each other's styles before comitting to marriage. If you do decide that you are compatible and want to move forward together then I'd suggest taking time to find your D/s niche as a couple before committing to anything more serious.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl8
It's like I just want to feel like I'm "his" but he doesn't really claim me how I want. This isn't about finding another Dom- he's my future husband. How can I help him? Can I help him?

(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:09:59 AM   
HisGirl8


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		Thanx for your reply and advice :)

Yeah, we talk until we're blue in the face. Communication is important and we're actually really good at it. One of the thousand reasons why I love him.

I had to giggle a little cause you described it perfectly. I want a tight leash, at least right now. I feel exactly as you described. I would litterally sit on my heels all evening in front of him waiting to get him a glass of water, sandwich, remote- whatever. My problem is he doesn't ask this. So what you're saying is I just want too much of him?

And as for the night I got all bratty and gave him some of his own. He wanted something- I can assure you- he just didn't know what it was. And after me suggesting a thing or two and he just kinda being wishy washy it killed the mood. So he slept and I returned- frisky. I accept it when he doesn't want anything or when he justs wants something "simple", it bugs, but I accept it without guilt cause I know that's what he wants- which is what I do, I give him what he wants.

I could have handled it better, sweeter, but I kinda needed to know if he was gonna top me or if being submissive was really what he wanted. It was a big turning point for us. And a relief for me.

So I'm just a brat huh? I want too much from him. Doesn't surprise me really- that's kinda my nature. But I just want him to be happy as my Dom. I want him to break me and put me back together but maybe that's too much and I should just be satisfied? I love him and I'm not going anywhere, I just wanted to know what I could do to encourage him aside from good communication or sending him a worm...
Thanx,
a

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:10:25 AM   
MistressFire70


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Are you open to the idea that he might have to have his own submissive needs met outside the relationship?

The vanilla and triskle thingies are a way to keep track of how many posts you've posted to the forum. We all started out as vanilla, even if we had years of experience coming to the boards.

Fire


_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:10:55 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

It's like I just want to feel like I'm "his" but he doesn't really claim me how I want.


I feel for you, I truly do. But just reread what you've written here.

There's not a right way or wrong way to be involved. Lots of dominants like a submissive that needs to be taken in tow, others want their submissive to anticipate, still others want their submissive to be docile and doormats are also popular amongst the Top side group and there is every thing in between.

It seems like you 'want' him to take charge like he does when you act out, but you don't want to act out to get that from him. ::if I'm misreading, let me know!:: Have another conversation with him. Point that out to him and see how it goes. Let him know that it bothers you to have to act out to get him to act.

Be aware, also, that you may both have to compromise to find the balance you need for your relationship to be healthy, stable and have the ability to grow. If you decide to go the brat route ::and there's nothing at all wrong with it:: be aware that can effect how you view your submission. Topping from the bottom can be a means to an end and, perhaps, he'll get tired of it and have a firmer hand with you. TELL him that's what you're doing though, so he's aware of the pressure you're under in trying to submit to him when he's not actively in the head space you 'want'. I guess, when it boils down to brass tacks, the only thing I can say is use your voice, talk, talk, talk then talk some more.

The 'vanilla' by your name is based on the number of posts you make. The more posts, the higher your rating, so that will change if you're active on the forums.


Best of luck to you.. I hope things work out in a way that's mutually satisfying and beneficial to you both.

Celeste


_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:12:01 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		You know one of the most difficult things in any relationship of a dom/sub nature is being "on" all the time. It sounds like he's tired and it may or may not have anything to do with you or your relationship.

What's going on in other parts of his life?

Do you always wait for him to initiate matters or only initiate when things get overwhelming (that's how I read your description of being so angry you tied him up and beat him)?

I think you need to help him relax, give him more positive feedback, and offer service or play-ideas of your own. Everyone needs time to recharge. Yes, even doms and tops.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:18:00 AM   
HisGirl8


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		Ok here goes my response to this...

We love each other- deeply- and that comes before anything like this. Our life is beautiful, symbiotic. We pay the bills, walk the dog, go to movies, love each other's families- life is good. We've gone through some huge issues and stayed close and loving and supportive and happy. He's my man...

So I understand what D/s looks like on a daily basis- it looks average. I like the averageness, I liek the comfort we have together. There is nothing like being with him, and he feels the same.

So that's not the issue. You did highlight a good point when you quoted me saying "he doesn't really claim me how I want." And I deffinately have to look at that. But don't we have wants too? Don't you want certain things? I do. I guess maybe I should think about this one more before I jump to conclusions. Thank you for pointing that out :)

~a~

(in reply to MsIncognito)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:20:15 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl8
So what you're saying is I just want too much of him?

I'm saying HE's already tried to tell you that and you don't really want to listen because you
a) are so wrapped up in frenzy you can't really "get it"
b) worry that it means he doesn't really love you
c) think it's the beginning of the end
d) have a little hungry part of you that just wants and doesn't care (we all have this)

It's too simple to say "you want too much of him." It's more that you're wanting something in a different way than his energy levels can deal with. And that's RIGHT NOW- doesn't mean you will always be at odds and it doesn't mean he's always going to be like this (some nights you might just regret wanting more from him).

But he is trying to communicate and you do need to listen and respect more, NOT just respond to your frenzied eager puppy desires. Yes its great that you want to serve serve serve and make him happy happy with your service, but recognize that's all about YOU- how YOU feel when you serve, the rush YOU want to get and how YOU want to get it.

Time to balance the scales a bit.

quote:

But I just want him to be happy as my Dom. I want him to break me and put me back together but maybe that's too much and I should just be satisfied? I love him and I'm not going anywhere, I just wanted to know what I could do to encourage him aside from good communication or sending him a worm...
Thanx,
a

If what you really want is for him to just do everything like you want it and try to manipulate him into it- that's what's commonly known as topping from the bottom. If he really isn't fulfilling you, then it's best to leave rather than make him feel bad for being true to himself.

But I don't think either of you are at that decision point yet. Give yourselves more time to grow, give yourself time to get over your frenzy a bit, give yourself time to learn how to listen and be patient, and give him time to feel his way.

And I echo TammyJo- start thinking more on the "What can I do actively on my own today as a good submissive in this relationships?" track and see where that takes you. Don't let fears of losing or settling take over.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:26:04 AM   
HisGirl8


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		Yes you deffinately got it right :) I can be super brat to get what I want. I should have a cape. It's awful, and fun. I can't stress enough that we have great communication so this isn't my only way of getting my needs met. Just last night I called him and told him I wanted some serious play and thought that just telling him instead of being bratty might be ok. I asked if I could do this he said of course and tra la la. But I hate that. I just want it to be what he wants- and I do realize in typing that, that I can't dictate what he wants. Call the WaaAmbulance... I know.

I'm just frustrated I guess. I want him to fulfill his full potential and I don't see him doing it. Maybe I'm on an unrealistic timeline? That happens with me...

Thanx for the advice =) Beautiful picture BTW...

a

(in reply to BitaTruble)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:28:01 AM   
HisGirl8


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		I initiate all the time- he does too- but a lot of the time it's me being assertive or bratty or just trowing myself on his lap. Our lives are good- calm, stable, happy. So it's not really that it's somethin else...
Thanx for the response :)
~a~

(in reply to thetammyjo)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:34:58 AM   
HisGirl8


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		Excellent points! Thank you...

Ok so it's about me- it usually is- lol. But hey that's easy. So I just have to change me. Well, God grant me the serenity and all that jazz.

So how do I do that? What can I do actively on my own today as a good submissive in this relationship? Really what can I do? I guess I don't know :)

BTW- you've been really helpful in all this and I appreciate it to no end...

~a~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:35:39 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		you know all i can say is HAVE FUN just HAVE FUN ENJOY Each other dont try to be something or some book or idea or concept pure love is something that happens on its on. this i need she need thing is all a bunch of made up hookas pokas. frist understand the realtionship was based on like tree grows limbs so does y our relationship hell in two years he may be a sub again adapt and over come thats the key put each other first give into each other a realtionship needs to be fluild or it dies i get so pissed off when i hear eh or she touched my mind shakes head life is about whats in the heart not in the mind cause in the heart is were passion begins and ends thats what we control
namaste

(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:46:10 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl8
So how do I do that?

The classics: Time, patience, communication, active self-awareness, and sincere desire to grow

quote:

What can I do actively on my own today as a good submissive in this relationship? Really what can I do? I guess I don't know :)

A challenge! Enjoy it.

Cleaning is a good place to start- scrubbing, washing, wiping, organizing, etc.
quote:


BTW- you've been really helpful in all this and I appreciate it to no end...

~a~

We aren't really telling you anything you don't know, we're just helping you see it from a different perspective. If you really want this to work, you have to be willing to learn how to accommodate someone else.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 10:54:12 AM   
HisGirl8


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		I think you have been helpful in that it's difficult to see the forest from the trees. I may have 5 friends with the same problem as me and be very helpful in helping them solve their own issues without ever having a clue as to how to solve my own. That just kinda comes with the subjective view of life.

Cleaning huh? Yeah that would be good. Clean instead of sitting in front of the computer I guess- lol. I'm in college and work too so that's like the last thing on my list when I have free time. But I know he'd love it more- so thanx- I get what you're sayin. It's a general change of attitude that I need. I can do that...

It's always me. Change starts from within. I should know that by now- lol.

~a~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 11:55:00 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl8

Excellent points! Thank you...

Ok so it's about me- it usually is- lol. But hey that's easy. So I just have to change me. Well, God grant me the serenity and all that jazz.

So how do I do that? What can I do actively on my own today as a good submissive in this relationship? Really what can I do? I guess I don't know :)

BTW- you've been really helpful in all this and I appreciate it to no end...

~a~


Observe and ask questions.

Find out what he likes and then do those things before he asks or does them.

Does he like a certain drink when he gets home? Have it ready for him before he asks for it.

Does he like certain toys of his? Clean them and store them nicely, let him see how much you value what he does.

Does he like a certain outfit or piece of jewelry you wear? Wear it, don't draw attention to it, and expect nothing from doing so.

Learn to do massage and just give him one or offer him one.

There are multiple things.

The trick is to find ways to help him relax.

Most of all say "thank you" and ask him "what would you like to do tonight" instead of "I want to do this tonight". If he says "Cuddle" or "nothing" accept it.

Accept nothing if he isn't up to doing anything right now, or tomorrow or for a week. The more energy and relaxation you can give him, the more time he has to get "creative" to use the words you said he used.

It will be hard but speaking as a dominant I can say from my experience and others' I know about that it is so easy to get burnt out as the top/dom/owner and in general we are too afraid to admit that or ask for energy so we just stop doing things or feeling less and less satisfied by what we do.

You might also get him gifts. Toys or books or videos that focus on things he likes -- again though these really need to be given without the expectation that he'll play with your right then or right after he's looked/read them. You let him know that he has value by catering a bit to his interests.

I don't know of titles or terms or positions or rituals have a place in your relationship but you could just start doing them for him to help you both get into a good space mentally. But, you know what I'm going to say by now, you have to accept if nothing happens.

Forever? No, not for forever but for a while for that "now" moment.

It reads like the "bratty" mode is very easy for you but that can be very draining on tops/doms/owners so you need to balance that carefully.

I'm very glad you care about him so much that you are willing to look at yourself, your attitude and what you do. This is an important and valuable trait in any person.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 12:13:57 PM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		Of course you do. Everyone does. That's why I suggested examining his style of dominance and your style of submission to see if those are really compatible long term. Certainly you can both change and grow as people AND still stay together. Things will change over time and you can work through those, too. However, I do think you have to at least entertain the possibility that your styles may not be a good match for the long term. I think you have to ask yourselves "What if" and find the answer to that question. As I said initially, he may grow more confident in his dominance as time goes on...or me may not. You may grow more/less submissive yourself and even though you're craving a tight leash right now the time may come when you crave a much looser dynamic. I do think it's a useful exercise to ask yourself "What if?" and answer it honestly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisGirl8
But don't we have wants too? Don't you want certain things? I do.

(in reply to HisGirl8)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 12:20:11 PM   
HisGirl8


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		These are deffinately things I do. I cook a big, healthy, delicious meal every night (which is huge because I'm a vegetarian and he's not so cooking meat is a Big way of serving him), if his drink is empty I fill it, if his feet are in my lap I rub them, if he seems tired I offer to nap with him. I don't clean as much as I could but being in school and working is tough- I'll be fixing this though. I NEVER say, "I want to do this tonight." If I have an idea I share it by saying, "some friends are doing this, and want us to come, do you want to that?" It's ALWAYS his decision and when he doesn't want to- I'm fine with that.

Yes, I am SuperBrat. I will bite him especially hard if I want him to be a little rougher with me, or just plop on his lap ass up until he spanks me and tells me to move. But I do tell him what I want, and we talk and communicate. I do however have a hard time telling him I want him to assert his dominance through little things as well ie: having me sit with my legs spread while we watch TV just to remind me of my servitude. It's hard cause I want that, but it's difficult to articulate that sometimes. I don't ever miss an opportunity to tell him how much I like something he does or how hot some encounter was though.

I have realized today that I am particularly selfish in all this. I'll be working on that for sure. I deffinately care enough about him and us to be able to see my flaws and accept them and work on them. That's what is all about when you're in a relationship...
Thanx for the advice :)
~a~

(in reply to thetammyjo)
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RE: He's a switch, I'm a sub- help! - 2/16/2006 12:32:22 PM   
HisGirl8


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		I see everything in flux- life is a river. I expect him to change and me too which is why I don't see any of this as being a deal breaker, or relationship red flag. On the whole, we are very compatible both in and out of the bedroom. So I don't see this as a cause for concern. Would it be a problem if he never fully dominated me? Or if he wanted to end it all and go vanilla? No not really. I'd be fine. There's enough love and respect to make this a life-long happy relationship.

But I appreciate you bringing it to my attention and making me look at the "what if's"...

~a~

(in reply to MsIncognito)
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