RE: What went wrong?

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RedMagic1 -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 6:25:41 PM)
I appreciate your willingness to post that. I'm sure the last few days have not been barrels of fun for you. If it helps any, it doesn't sound as though you were "personally" rejected. He found a domme who gave a crap about him, was capable of cutting him orders and following up, who liked him in real life and wanted to continue... and he surprised himself that the reality of his fantasy wasn't what he wanted after all. I don't see any reason to ascribe any malice to his actions -- gameplaying, etc. It sounds as though he got to whatever age he got to without being self-aware. You held up a mirror to him, and he saw something he didn't know was there.

LadyPact -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 6:42:27 PM)
Thank you for the final update. One thing I do want to say here is that it really is a shame that opportunities such as these are lost. I'm not blaming the guy for trying it and it not turning out to be what he wanted. Believe it or not, I kind of feel bad for the submissive guys out there who would have loved to have that chance.

MsMillgrove -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 6:46:54 PM)
Thanks so much for taking time to update the thread, so that we know how things turned out. Wow what a bummer, too. I read the whole thread at one blast.. so I could see this coming. and was hoping.. oh let it turn out differently. And of course, it turns out sadly. What's distressing about these experiences--which most of your sister dommes have gone thru in one variation or another--is this: When you look back, you tend to ask yourself, what did I miss? How could I not realize that he was having misgivings, doubts, internal confusions? Some of these guys should go on the poker tour, they are so good at not showing their true feelings... and then one day. Whammo.. they are incommunicado.. you sit about wondering if they are really ill or not, and then you see them trolling over here and you have your unhappy answer. I bet you could get 50 dommes to confim, they have been thru the same scenario with a few details changed. And btw, we all "know' right at that horrible point.. when they are supposed to write or call and they don't. That's the first time you get that nasty feeling--something is "off" here and it usually ends up.. the whole thing is "off". The way I deal is to literally try to forget the whole thing--there honestly is nothing to be learned from it-nothing. Wasting time on searching for the red flags or reviewing how it went wrong.. it's not productive. You likely handled everything fine from your end. So, think on the happy times that were really Happy for you. Hug them to your bosum.. laugh over the fun stuff.. and forget the sad ending. Move along to the next one. This is only numbers: you will Win.. if you keep trudging forward and trying. And thank god it's not the lottery.. you do have excellent odds for you, if you don't go into a funk. Try to sound chipper and smile as you stagger out again. You are a winner, you're going to find that right person as long as you keep going on the journey. Hugs to you, nice piece of special Belgian chocolate popped into your mouth.. and waves to you with goodluck wishes. MsM

Venatrix -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 7:06:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheLadyIsADomme Final Update: Well, I did send him an email, and he sent a reply, which basically was that he did not enjoy any aspect of our "experience" together and that he is now re-evaluating whether he really wants to pursue a submissive relationship with anyone. And he didn't tell me that at the time because I was enjoying myself and he didn't want to ruin it for me. Time for a new thread, I think. (smile) Warmly, LD Well, maybe I have an over-active imagination, but I'm calling BS on what he said. I'd be willing to bet he had an absolutely hunky-dory time, I'd bet that he was overwhelmed by the intensity of the experience, I'd bet that he saw the thread here and that most of us posters were none too impressed with his manners, and I'd bet he saw your e-mail as an opportunity to stick the knife in and get even with you. You're well rid of this PoS, and just because he was able to act like a charmer for a while doesn't mean that he's anything but what I've just called him.

LadyPact -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 7:10:11 PM)
I might have agreed, V, if she had ever named him. (Believe Me, I'm not recommending it and think she took the higher road that she didn't.)

Lockit -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 7:48:45 PM)
Yeah but he was on site and such after and while not responding or contacting the op. If it was that bad, why would he be back here so soon? If he wasn't sure about being submissive and wanting what he thought he wanted, you would think he would be off doing something else non related. Yes, I am assuming... what else can you do with someone playing games? And my assumption is that is exactly what he is doing. Not worth the concern in my opinion.

LadyPact -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 7:56:19 PM)
On that point, I'll definitely concede. Just makes one realize the good ones when you find them.

TheLadyIsADomme -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 8:00:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Yeah but he was on site and such after and while not responding or contacting the op. If it was that bad, why would he be back here so soon? If he wasn't sure about being submissive and wanting what he thought he wanted, you would think he would be off doing something else non related. Yes, I am assuming... what else can you do with someone playing games? And my assumption is that is exactly what he is doing. Not worth the concern in my opinion. Yes, I agree with you, Lockit. I found it curious and disingenuous that he was on the site, especially after what he said. In fact, when I saw him trolling, I sent the email here, which he also answered here, even though he had my personal email address. Warmly, LD

RedMagic1 -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 8:01:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Yeah but he was on site and such after and while not responding or contacting the op. If it was that bad, why would he be back here so soon? I had a first meet today that went fan-tas-tic. I am once again super-grateful to CollarMe. She and I plan to meet next on Monday. And yet, here I am, "cruising" the web site. But I'm not particularly looking. I'm quite happy with the direction my life is going at the moment. There's a lot of reasons to log in. Please understand, Ms. Lockit, I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying there's no way to know for sure you are right, so it's not useful to assign blame.

TheLadyIsADomme -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 8:04:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Venatrix Well, maybe I have an over-active imagination, but I'm calling BS on what he said. I'd be willing to bet he had an absolutely hunky-dory time, I'd bet that he was overwhelmed by the intensity of the experience, I'd bet that he saw the thread here and that most of us posters were none too impressed with his manners, and I'd bet he saw your e-mail as an opportunity to stick the knife in and get even with you. You're well rid of this PoS, and just because he was able to act like a charmer for a while doesn't mean that he's anything but what I've just called him. That would be a sucker bet for certain, Venatrix. His body was having a good time, even if his mind later disagreed. LOL. That's part of why I did not read him or the situation accurately. Warmly, LD

Lockit -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 8:06:55 PM)
Ahhh but Red... you wouldn't do what he did. You have a lot more class than that! Where nothing is suspect... there is no need to be suspecious and where communication isn't lacking, nothing to worry about. You cannot compare the two situations... not by far. lol

Venatrix -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 8:14:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 And yet, here I am, "cruising" the web site. You're not fooling me. I know you're here trying to pick up other vegetarian restaurant recommendations.

CdnExplorer -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 8:47:01 PM)
When a submissive guy is questioning his desires I don't find it all odd that he'd log in here. In the past when I've been in that spot I know I've come here as part of working out what I really want, and seeing if I can recapture the feelings I've felt before. He could also have had a great time but still feel terrible about the whole thing. Confusing? Welcome to the world of male submission [:D] I'd say this guy is extremely conflicted about his kink. I've been there a couple of times and it's very difficult to handle. He might eventually get these desires squared away with his identity, or he might not. Given that he's tried this before I'm going to guess it'll be the latter. I have a friend who I strongly suspect experimented with submission, since I saw his girlfriend chatting with him once about doing inverted suspension on him (and some other things I heard from friends). That relationship didn't end well, and ever since he's been very firmly against the idea of a woman being in control. It sucks, but I don't think this is all that uncommon. Standard childhood male programming doesn't allow for voluntarily putting oneself into a position of weakness. Some people can overcome that...some can't.

Lockit -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 8:55:32 PM)
You make a good point Explorer and it is something to think about, but I have also seen it used as an excuse with many men who are playing multiple dominant's. That... I'm confused gets a free pass from some of us and guess what? They do it over and over again. At some point there must be some accountablity on what their confusion and actions do to other people. I believe in calling a spade a spade and if they are that confused that they will play with multiple dominant's, will use their confusion as an excuse, that they will blame the dominant rather than admit what is going on and figure it out without using, manipulating and abusing the feelings and good will of a person... I don't care how confused they are... they are not a nice person, at the least.

Venatrix -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 9:41:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CdnExplorer When a submissive guy is questioning his desires I don't find it all odd that he'd log in here. In the past when I've been in that spot I know I've come here as part of working out what I really want, and seeing if I can recapture the feelings I've felt before. He could also have had a great time but still feel terrible about the whole thing. Confusing? Welcome to the world of male submission [:D] It sounds like you're saying that being conflicted is an excuse for appalling manners on the part of the sub.

Lockit -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 9:49:47 PM)
I guess I could claim that social conditioning and family pressure for me to be submissive was damaging to me and excuse myself from a lot of things. I was not the norm. Was the black sheep and the one blamed for all wrongs because I just wasn't right and I lost my family because I wouldn't give in to their way. Personal accountablity or the lack thereof are big indicators of charactor and charactor that is allowed to go lax or give way to confusion isn't much charactor in my book.

CdnExplorer -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2009 11:41:05 PM)
I'm not sure why some guys get into the multiple dominants thing...even at my most confused point the only time I've ever played with more than one dominant was when it was very clear to all involved what was going on, on a non-sexual basis and without any kind of serious relationship going on. Basically public play at the local dungeon, trying things that different people have gained some skill with and occasionally being a guinea pig. I get the feeling that's quite a bit different from the guys you're talking about Lockit. Anyway my point is that it's a rare guy who will, when questioning his very identity, run off to the woman he just spent time with when it was spending time with her that sparked the whole thing to begin with. Not without first getting an understanding of what he's feeling and what it means for what he wants in a relationship. I'm talking about identity crisis here. Guys just don't drop something like that on a woman without having a strong enough understanding of it so that they can explain what's going on with them. If he can't properly explain it...what happens if she takes it the wrong way and gets offended? And if that happens, and it turns out after further analysis that the turmoil you were in turned out to not be about your relationship at all? I'm not saying guys are always going to be like that. I was in a relationship with a deep enough level of emotional intimacy that I could, for the most part, lay something like that on the table without really understanding it and know that it won't be taken the wrong way. I have no way of knowing if he felt that kind of safety in the relationship, or should have but didn't or whatever the case may have been. But until things get to that point a guy will most likely go into his cave and figure out what's wrong with him before he dumps it on anyone. That's not an excuse...it just is.

SSM -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2009 4:41:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheLadyIsADomme I left yesterday afternoon feeling confident that our first "time" together had been a good beginning for a relationship. When I asked him whether he felt the same, he said he did too. That sounds like a pretty heavy conversation after your first play together. Perhaps you could have played a bit harder to get?

Venatrix -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2009 7:29:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CdnExplorer I'm not sure why some guys get into the multiple dominants thing...even at my most confused point the only time I've ever played with more than one dominant was when it was very clear to all involved what was going on, on a non-sexual basis and without any kind of serious relationship going on. Basically public play at the local dungeon, trying things that different people have gained some skill with and occasionally being a guinea pig. I get the feeling that's quite a bit different from the guys you're talking about Lockit. Anyway my point is that it's a rare guy who will, when questioning his very identity, run off to the woman he just spent time with when it was spending time with her that sparked the whole thing to begin with. Not without first getting an understanding of what he's feeling and what it means for what he wants in a relationship. I'm talking about identity crisis here. Guys just don't drop something like that on a woman without having a strong enough understanding of it so that they can explain what's going on with them. If he can't properly explain it...what happens if she takes it the wrong way and gets offended? And if that happens, and it turns out after further analysis that the turmoil you were in turned out to not be about your relationship at all? I'm not saying guys are always going to be like that. I was in a relationship with a deep enough level of emotional intimacy that I could, for the most part, lay something like that on the table without really understanding it and know that it won't be taken the wrong way. I have no way of knowing if he felt that kind of safety in the relationship, or should have but didn't or whatever the case may have been. But until things get to that point a guy will most likely go into his cave and figure out what's wrong with him before he dumps it on anyone. That's not an excuse...it just is. I have to be honest, Cdn, you're not painting submissive men, or men in general, for that matter, in a very positive light. I think we can all understand that after an overwhelming experience some time is needed to consider it. But what you're saying implies that men are so self-centred, so spineless, so oblivious or so uncaring of the hurt they inflict that they can't even respond to the phone call and say that they need some time to think. These are exactly the same type of men who come metaphorically crawling back (and let me tell you, there have been legions of them in my life), expecting to pick up where they left off because they've finally sorted themselves out, and can't understand why the domina is no longer interested. Given the disparity in numbers between submissive men and dominant women, one would think that when a sub does finally capture the attention of a dominant woman, he'd go out of his way to treat her with courtesy, even if he does need time to think. Are men really so wishy washy that they can't respond with something like, "That was an amazing experience; I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it; I'd like some time to think, and I'll write/phone/send carrier pigeon when I feel up to it"? And men wonder why so many women are wary of them. There's one person in my life right now who is absolutely charming and well behaved (so far!). If it weren't for him, I truly think this thread would make me give up on men completely.

PeonForHer -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2009 10:09:16 AM)
V, I've never been in the position of being a new sub who has just started a relationship with an experienced dominant, so I'm speaking somewhat in the abstract. That caveat aside, CDNExplorer strikes a strong chord with me when he says . . . it's a rare guy who will, when questioning his very identity, run off to the woman he just spent time with when it was spending time with her that sparked the whole thing to begin with for the sole reason that people just are apt to become very introspective, self-absorbed, thus in many ways selfish, when they're involved in something so profound as questioning their very identity. I've seen this, with both sexes and many times over, with others and in quite different contexts. I've also had it myself, at those times in my past when I've questioned my own identity in this way. This is no excuse for boorish behaviour in the context of the OP and her partner, but I think it does go a long way towards explaining that behaviour - thus, perhaps, ameliorating the OP's present hurt just a little. Re that hurt: For what it's worth to the OP, I do think her partner was BSing when he said he didn't enjoy the experience. He just couldn't fully accept it as 'enjoyment' at the time. And I also don't think for a second that as a result of his experience with the OP that he will now 'turn away from the submissive path'. To me, this goes to a problem that I think is much more general. This is that knowing that one is submissive in some way is only the beginning of the journey. It takes an awful lot of processing to be able to resolve that submissive nature in one's consciousness. That's before even having a real-life dominant partner. I have to say, it wouldn't surprise me at all if many submissively-inclined people never do manage to reach that resolution. They may just take the easier path of stamping down on that inclination because they just can't find a way of handling it.

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