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RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 7:43:36 AM

Rainfire

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Depends on my personal level of interest. If it was someone I really wanted to play with, I'd appreciate an honest answer. As has been mentioned, maybe it's something I could change. For casual play, not really. There were people who for various reasons, and not even extreme reasons, that I simply had absolutely no desire to ever play with.

But for some reason, the more polite I was in refusing people, it seemed to egg them on. "No, thank you" seemed to drive some up the wall.

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RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 8:06:33 AM

Andalusite

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When I was looking, if they phrased it tactfully, and it was something I could control then yes. If they were mean about it, or it wasn't something I could do anything about, I'd prefer not to. When I had to turn someone down, I usually didn't give a reason unless they asked, unless it was something obvious in my profile or pretty neutral (ie. too far away, when I was very clear about not wanting long distance).

In the past, I've had a few guys tell me that they wouldn't date me unless I weighed under 100 pounds, and a couple more tell me they wouldn't date me unless I was over 175.

I hadn't expressed any interest in either, and there's no way I could be healthy at either weight. I certainly wasn't going to lose or gain that much weight, respectively, in hopes of getting a date. So, it just seemed mean for the sake of it, rather than useful or reasonable.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 7/10/2009 8:09:52 AM >

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RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 9:14:59 AM

Missokyst

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I didn't used to give a reason unless they were persistant about it. I used to get this one guy from 100 or so miles from me that would write me and say he could jump on his bike and be here within _ time. I would point out how much activity there was in his own area. I finally had to say I don't play casually with people I don't know and if I ever would it would be at a party where there was no sex. lol He never wrote me again. Now it makes sense to me to give a reason which fits for all occasions.
Kyst

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Post #: 23

RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 9:57:38 AM

philosopheradept

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Yes, I would want to know - partially because of vanity (well-put, variation30), partially from curiosity and partially because I try to learn from my mistakes. That being said, I don't think she would obligated to give me an answer (and I know no one has said they would yet, but I figured I would make it clear anyway).

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RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 10:00:34 AM

RumpusParable

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Personally, no, if they say they don't want to play with me then that's enough info for me. Same the other way around, if I don't want to play with someone (just then or at all) I feel that simply telling them that should be enough.

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Post #: 25

RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 11:42:07 AM

gypsygrl

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From: new york state
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I might want to know for a variety of reasons but I wouldn't ask for or expect an explanation. When I'm the one saying "no" I do very much appreciate it if the other person simply fades quietly into the mist without a lot of noise, so I would conduct myself accordingly when someone tells me "no." Ya know, the whole do unto others thing...

Several folks said they want to know why because then they could decide if it was something that they could change. This doesn't sit right with me personally as I don't see myself changing just so someone will play with me. I'm more likely to find someone who does want to play with me. And, I would hate to see someone change somethink I didn't like just to get me to play with them. I mean, seriously, why give me that power?

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RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 11:52:45 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I am pulling this from another thread. I'm willing to say up front that I have not asked the originator of the comment if I could post it. I am also not going to credit the writer of the original. I think it would tend to sway the responses and I would rather get the answers without that influence.

During a discussion that went to whether or not someone would disclose why they chose *not* to play with someone, the following response was given:

quote:

ORIGINAL:

Simply play with him/her or dont play with him/her. You dont have to give a reason to the person.

In My personal experience, when it comes to extreme reasons**** of why I will not play or become involved with another, it saves Me a lot of time and trouble to just say so. I often say that the two answers to a question that people have the hardest time accepting are the following:

1. No.

2. I don't know.

I'm curious to know how other people feel about this. If you approach someone for play and are told no, do you want to know why?

**** Extreme reasons being such things as not trusting the individual, they are cheating on their wife, or some other reason that I specifically do not want them in My company.

I'm a big believer in the idea that you do not have to give an answer and, if you so choose, then be as tactful as you would want someone to be.

Having come up through those times when it was always up to the guy to ask a girl if she'd like to dance/like to have a drink/like to go to a movie/like to fuck, I've been told "No" my fair share of times. I always appreciated those who said "No, thank you" more so than those who just said "No" and a helluva lot more than those who felt they had to add in something like "...you're too short, your hair's too long/too short, your teeth are too crooked, etc". I don't need to hear that and frankly, I had enough confidence within myself...from what I'd accomplished in life at that point and from prior experience with women...to know that if this one said "no", the next one or the next would say "yes, I'd like that".

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 27

RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 11:57:44 AM

SmokeSerpent

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No, I don't need to know why someone is turning me down. It doesn't really matter. Everyone is different and there are probably others who will want me for the exact same reasons that she didn't.

Nor do I like to tell people why I don't want to play with or meet or continue seeing them. People who *need* to know why, in my experience, then want to argue the point, "correct my misperception of them", be given the opportunity to prove that other aspects will outweigh my concerns/turn-offs, become a pity/advice leech, or other unsavory ways of dragging out the communication.

Women who demonstrate this form of neediness actually seem to be few and far between. I would hazard a guess that I have encountered it more times from gay subs and cuckolds looking for a bull even though I don't run in either of those communities. I think it's much more a male syndrome and I don't envy Dommes and female subs who are on the receiving end of it.

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Post #: 28

RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 12:10:42 PM

MzMia

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SmokeSerpent

No, I don't need to know why someone is turning me down. It doesn't really matter. Everyone is different and there are probably others who will want me for the exact same reasons that she didn't.

Nor do I like to tell people why I don't want to play with or meet or continue seeing them. People who *need* to know why, in my experience, then want to argue the point, "correct my misperception of them", be given the opportunity to prove that other aspects will outweigh my concerns/turn-offs, become a pity/advice leech, or other unsavory ways of dragging out the communication.

Women who demonstrate this form of neediness actually seem to be few and far between. I would hazard a guess that I have encountered it more times from gay subs and cuckolds looking for a bull even though I don't run in either of those communities. I think it's much more a male syndrome and I don't envy Dommes and female subs who are on the receiving end of it.

This sums up how I feel also.
I turn down about 99.2% of the people that approach me, I normally just say my standard line of "We are seeking very different things."
I realize that I am seeking something different than the majority of the people that I meet period, and I accept that.
My standard line is honest enough, without me having to go into the details.

I am sure there are plenty of people that don't feel I am "their type" also, I don't really need to know why or the details.
It is not going to change anything in my world or the other person's world, life is just too short.

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Post #: 29

RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 12:15:58 PM

LaTigresse

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At first I thought yes, but then, the more I thought about it.........not necessarily.

The facts are, if they don't want to be with me, they don't. I do not need to know the details unless they feel they need to tell me.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 30

RE: Would you want to know? - 7/10/2009 12:27:40 PM

SnareMage85

Posts: 25
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline

Prinsexx, I know how you feel, I went through a similar situation, where a sub/GF stopped making the effort to talk to me the last month and a half of our relationship. So I said the nine levels of Dante's Inferno with it and ended it on Valentines Day when she finally answered her phone.

As to the OP, I'd want to know, but ultimately I'd get over it and shrug it off. Better things to do than worry about every individual person's opinions and views about me. There's plenty of other people who like me and will have fun with me...

----EDIT----

The one that's really stealing my attention from everything on a consistent basis I'll be seeing on my birthday

< Message edited by SnareMage85 -- 7/10/2009 12:31:17 PM >

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RE: Would you want to know? - 7/12/2009 3:19:49 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
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Sir told me to add that no one has ever said no when I asked them to play. Except once, a local domme I had played with before who's back was hurting. She did ask me to give her a back rub though, and I obliged. After getting Sir's permission, of course.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

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Post #: 32

RE: Would you want to know? - 7/12/2009 5:05:18 AM

justme1980

Posts: 169
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I am pulling this from another thread. I'm willing to say up front that I have not asked the originator of the comment if I could post it. I am also not going to credit the writer of the original. I think it would tend to sway the responses and I would rather get the answers without that influence.

During a discussion that went to whether or not someone would disclose why they chose *not* to play with someone, the following response was given:

quote:

ORIGINAL:

Simply play with him/her or dont play with him/her. You dont have to give a reason to the person.

In My personal experience, when it comes to extreme reasons**** of why I will not play or become involved with another, it saves Me a lot of time and trouble to just say so. I often say that the two answers to a question that people have the hardest time accepting are the following:

1. No.

2. I don't know.

I'm curious to know how other people feel about this. If you approach someone for play and are told no, do you want to know why?

**** Extreme reasons being such things as not trusting the individual, they are cheating on their wife, or some other reason that I specifically do not want them in My company.

Simple answer BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!! they have no right to expect you to give your reasons

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 33

RE: Would you want to know? - 7/12/2009 5:20:50 AM

MadameMarque

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Joined: 3/19/2005
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It would be a rare case that the answer to that wasn't, as that writer for Sex in the City says, "he's/she's just not that into me." If it actually wasn't the reason, I'd be interested in knowing why.

Other than that, what I, on the rare occasion of conflicting signals, might want to know, they aren't likely to tell me. 'I saw you were attracted, then pulled away - what exactly caused that?' , etc.

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Post #: 34

RE: Would you want to know? - 7/12/2009 5:23:40 AM

MadameMarque

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...and I took no implication that they *should* explain why they decline, or even that you would ask. Only, "would you want to know?"

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RE: Would you want to know? - 7/12/2009 12:24:17 PM

LilKittenSub

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Joined: 9/20/2007
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I didn't really bother to read all the responses, just the first few. I can say I'd probably be curious, and if it was someone I considered myself a good enough friend of, I might ask, but I'd try to be respectful about it. This is more for peice of mind than anything. It helps to know where you've misstepped, if you have, so that you can prevent such things in the future. I don't have a problem with rejection, it happens and its going to happen in the future, to me and others. Rejection is simply a part of life. But this does not mean that I wont try to take that experience and learn from it so that I might hopefully better myself in the future.

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RE: Would you want to know? - 7/12/2009 12:39:18 PM

LovingMistress45

Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
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Interesting question. My first thoughts were yes I would want to know, but like Tigresse after thinking about I don't know that it would really matter. I wouldn't ever ask for a reason. I actually have never had anyone turn me down and I usually get requests to play when I am at a parties/get togethers. By play I am speaking only of S&M play not sexual contact.

For myself if I turn someone down I do it nicely I don't have a desire to hurt anyone's feelings. However, for casual play encounters my requirements are not the same as they would be for a partner. So my reasons tend to be they have had too much to drink for my comfort, I know of them and don't feel they are emotionally stable, they have a bad reputation in the community or my intuition tells me it is a bad idea. Things like looks, attraction, gender, orientation, etc don't really factor into my sceneing someone much as they don't factor into how I choose friends.

(in reply to MadameMarque)

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RE: Would you want to know? - 7/12/2009 12:55:14 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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I think I'd like to know. I like the idea of being able to refine the way that I approach situations through feedback.

Dame Calla

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Post #: 38

RE: Would you want to know? - 7/12/2009 1:02:26 PM

MsFlutter

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From: East Coast
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I would respond simply with 'no - but thank you for the thought.'

because it keeps things a lot calmer than if I am truthful and say 'Christ no - your breath could knock a buzzard off a shytt wagon"

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RE: Would you want to know? - 7/12/2009 11:46:21 PM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
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No I don't care to know why someone has decided to not want to play with us. I respect that decision and figure it was not meant to be for either of us.
Pushing for an answer in my opinion is a bit demanding and would put me off further.

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Post #: 40

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