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"nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/18/2009 11:05:38 PM

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From: Boston area, Massachusetts
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I apologize in advance if this topic has been broached, none the less I am sure there are new people to input on the matter.

So when I first ventured to CM it was while I was trying to expand my newly found world of (lifestyle) BDSM so I could create a M/s relationship with my (vanilla) boyfriend to the best of my ability and knowledge.

I have been "on the market" for about 2 years now, seeing him off and on at times, but also dating (really) for the first time in my life. I found I encountered Nilla always, sometimes with a bit of kink.

But this time around, I have found a True Master (and he doesnt even know it!) He commands power, demands respect, exerts his dominance in bed and in public. Uses what I will refer to as "catch phrases" (punishment, slut, slave, obey, etc). Granted, it is possible he has been exposed to BDSM but given his background it is unlikely.

Now, to the meat of the question

Do you always date scene, no exceptions? Do you put up with Vanilla in between? Do you seek out Natural Masters who are unaware of their true nature? Is being single in the scene rare? It seems a lot of the girls here are paired off or recently released..

edit to add the word "lifestyle" ~ BDSM has been an on again off again part of my sex life since the very beginning, over 10 years ago

< Message edited by mixielicous -- 8/18/2009 11:54:20 PM >

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RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/18/2009 11:14:39 PM

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If I were ever to be actually 'dating' again, I think I would go with anyone who seemed really into me, was cute, and wasn't a douchebag.

Having been in the scene my entire adult life, I can say that I have zero tolerance for having to live the lifestyle 24/7. Afterall, we're people too and vanilla life is just, well it's a part of life, lol.

As for me, I guess when I look at it honestly I'm probably a little poly leaning. I have a mate but also need a painslut sub. But I'm tired of dealing with people's bullshit so I'm sticking to getting my sadistic needs met out and about with random subs/slaves that I meet at events. I consider it the bdsm equivalent of a one-night stand and for the time being I'm happy with that. It keeps the headaches down.

(in reply to mixielicous)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/18/2009 11:42:48 PM

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i think there isnt a person here who isnt capable of doing a vanilla relationsip, but its a matter of do you want to?

i personally dont want to, i can do it i have done it, and suprisingly i have found the same. some of them we start vanilla and i explain (what i like in the bed room) and they get the hint, finding out if they like it or if they dont... if they do i like to expand it to what i like in a relationship see if they are intrested in that or find out what they are looking for in a relationship, that isnt so nilla.

with all things its about easing it in. not all doms are on collar me or other websites or in bdsm communities. now that you know its just a matter of finding out how much he knows.

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(in reply to mixielicous)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 12:57:23 AM

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From: Forest Hills, Maryland
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I am currently in the dating scene (which sucks btw) but I date both those I meet within the lifestyle and those who are outside it. The reality for me is I am drawn to strong dominant men but one doesn't have to label themself a dominant to fit that critiria. As long as we have common ground and our needs are being meet to me that is all that truly matters.

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(in reply to mixielicous)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 3:46:03 AM

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I don't date anymore since I'm taken but when I did, I didn't separate men into categories. I simply dated dominant personality men whether they ever heard of bdsm or not because in reality..that's what's important to me....being a dominant personality. The rest is just extra stuff that can be fun.

(in reply to SweetNika)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 3:51:57 AM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox
Having been in the scene my entire adult life, I can say that I have zero tolerance for having to live the lifestyle 24/7. Afterall, we're people too and vanilla life is just, well it's a part of life, lol.

And being 24/7 doesnt mitigate human ness, I really cant understand how easily some people seperate their life into sections

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RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 4:39:26 AM

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OP, you've pretty much stated that this man acts like a Master and it sounds like he would feed your hunger for the emotional connection. The question you need to ask yourself is, would he meet all your needs to be a slave to him? Figure out what they are, discuss those specific needs with him, and see where it goes. It sounds like he could be what you're looking for, minus the labels.

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RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 6:12:40 AM

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I don't 'date' period, and I don't compartmentalize my life either - I am me, my life is my lifestyle 24/7 and I'm no longer prepared to consider anyone - anyone at all - for any sort of a relationship without first establishing some degree of friendship.

This means that in the initial stages dom, sub, vanilla, whatever doen't come into it. We're people first and foremost, friends, we relate to each other as individuals, friends, we communicate, and if we can't communicate or find that understanding we stay friends. All too often I've let my thinking be affected by feelings and let my feelings be affected by emotions, believing that chemistry existed after the first few meetings and finding out a few months down the line that the chemistry was in fact nothing more than novelty. It's like that Buzzcocks song 'Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have...?', there's nothing worse to me than being in a relationship with someone you don't really have any feelings for. It sucks big time. Not just for you, but perhaps even a little more so for them.

Not that there aren't connections and I haven't experienced them, I have and there are. But just because you have a connection with someone doesn't necessarily follow that you can have a successful relationship with them. It still needs a touch of magic and even though I may look like one I'm not that good at being a witch. Circumstances too come into play.

But then again I'm me, and being me means I'm not that good at submitting to people I don't really know (almost as bad as I am at online relationships and making pancakes) but it doesn't matter, I'm quite happy outside a relationship, I have my friends, my personal freedom and space, I can find reasons to be cheerful and happy and I can remember numerous times when I waited and waited and submitted knowing my dominant and that is such a buzz it's worth (usually) the wait.

It's easy to deceive yourself or others when the expectations outweigh the reality or you wind up disappointed. I think and feel like lightning, I'm prone to jump to conclusions, and I just find dating stressful.

But that's just me.

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(in reply to mixielicous)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 8:27:28 AM

Daes

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If I wasn't with Sir and started dating I don't think I'd be going back to nilla. There's a lot of things in a D/s relationship that for me are fulfilling and make me truly happy, and at this point I don't know if I could be happy without certain D/s elements in my relationship. As much as I could probably find a partner with a little interest in kink, that is not what I want or seek in a partner.

Could there be exceptions? Yes, of course - however, in my eyes, it's somewhat settling for a little less and I dont know if I could do it long term.

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RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 10:11:13 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mixielicous
Do you always date scene, no exceptions? Do you put up with Vanilla in between? Do you seek out Natural Masters who are unaware of their true nature?

I haven't been in this situation exactly, but my best ability to think it through tells me I'd be looking for a natural submissive who was unaware. That's what I'd be looking for. What I found may, in fact, be totally different and each person I stumble across in my life gets evaluated from a blank slate.

quote:

Is being single in the scene rare? It seems a lot of the girls here are paired off or recently released..

Being single is rare, in general, for good partners of every persuasion. From my vanilla perspective, there appears to be more churn in the kink camps than I'm used to in the vanilla camps, but I suspect that perception may be wrong.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to mixielicous)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 10:40:27 AM

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I only date vanilla as a way to gauge a woman for domme potential. I have zero interest in regular dating/sex.

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(in reply to mixielicous)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 10:42:10 AM

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quote:

...I have found a True Master (and he doesnt even know it!) He commands power, demands respect, exerts his dominance in bed and in public...

this slave would be willing to bet that he knows it...he just might not have learned to apply a catch phrase like "True Master" to what is innate for him. lots of folks think slapping a label on themselves is all there is to it. poof, instant dominant or submissive...just add the label.

there are plenty of folks that are dominant and plenty of folks that are submissive, and know that is their nature, yet aren't aware that such labels as Dom/me/Master/Owner/sub/slave exist in an alternative relationship foundation.

personally, this slave wouldn't think that a person who is unaware of their nature would be such a great catch...unaware that folks refer to it using the labels they do, sure, but unaware of their own nature...that sounds a little too immature, to this slave, to be considering entering into a committed relationship with.

this slave stopped dating vanilla almost 10 years ago...main problem being that vanilla men had an impossible time accepting complete submission. they either wanted a dominant female, a switch of sorts or an egalitarian relationship partner...and this slave isn't a good match for any of those scenarios.

(in reply to mixielicous)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 11:29:13 AM

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Truth be told, I never really "dated". I have always been the type of person to spend time around a lot of different sorts. One would end up standing out and we would just sort of fall into a relationship.

I also don't like to limit myself. Don't really create a criteria of "must have"s. I prefer to let things sort of evolve organically. Not everyone can be everything. That also means I don't limit myself to just one person. So it all works out.

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RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 11:48:05 AM

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After I was exposed to bdsm & I was still available, I did date vanilla off & on and it just never worked out, so then I stayed away from 'nillas. I found that I really need that D/s component for it to be a complete, fulfilling relationship. Like Beth said, "main problem being that vanilla men had an impossible time accepting complete submission. they either wanted a dominant female, a switch of sorts or an egalitarian relationship partner." If Sir & I ever part ways, I don't think I will be dating any 'nillas again. I know what I need & want and vanilla's not it.

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RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 12:38:06 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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I'm not a submissive, I am a switch with dominant tendencies over women and I bottom for the sensation to men, however,I have dated vanilla in the past , my last bf of 4 years was vanilla and I can honestly say at this point in my life as far as I can see, no I will never date vanilla again. Being kinky is to big of a part of who and what I am and I need kinky interactions with the one I am dating to be happy and fufilled.

And no I don't seek a Master, that's completely against what I want for myself,and no I wouldn't purposely seek out someone who didn't know there's a whole culture of people who do bdsm and kink and are not experinced in events and functions. I want someone who's experinced and knows what " all this is".

quote:

ORIGINAL: mixielicous

Do you always date scene, no exceptions? Do you put up with Vanilla in between? Do you seek out Natural Masters who are unaware of their true nature?

(in reply to mixielicous)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 1:03:02 PM

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quote:

this slave would be willing to bet that he knows it...he just might not have learned to apply a catch phrase like "True Master" to what is innate for him.

*nods* This phrase, Beth, pretty much describes what happened to me (and Carol for that matter). I haven't really changed in terms of who I am and what I do. It just never occurred to me that one could or should apply the vaious leadership things I already knew to my marriage. Once I made that connection and got over the heeby-jeebies it's all been pretty natural. Carol's even worse *laughs*. It remains true that trying to talk to her about her submission is like trying to talk to a fish about water. Unless there's something wrong with it, it's just invisible to her.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 1:37:26 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

I only date vanilla as a way to gauge a woman for domme potential. I have zero interest in regular dating/sex.

I'm the same way. vanilla to me is just where we interact with the rest of the world. 24/7 TPE doesn't work well in vanila land neither does wearing a collar to work least not for the average person. Guess if I had a Mistress that was rich and neither of us had to work for a living we could lol. But reality is we are not and so while other couples go to their bedroom for some "vanila" loving. we go to the bedroom cause that's where she keeps the cage and whip... other then that suppose we are pretty normal, most of my friends that are not kinky would just say she is just very controlling lol.

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RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 2:48:19 PM

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I date vanilla all the time. BUT...I never commit to vanilla. I have alot of trouble finding a Domme who I am compatible with outside the lifestyle. So I date vanilla to fill in the gaps. I never get very serious with vanilla either. It is simply not fulfilling enough. I used to look for a certain type of personality, or hope that I might find a Domme in the vanilla world. I gave up on that about ten years ago, as it seemed so far fetched that it would never work out and I ended up setting myself up for dissapointment. Now if a woman and I are mutually attracted, we share some common interests, and she is a good person, I will date them. Casually only though, no commitments. Typically they do not know I am a sub. I need to be available for the day my dream Domme falls out of the sky into my lap...LOL.

(in reply to shadowowl)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 6:46:23 PM

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Shadowowl...I actually do wear my collar to work. Not a leather collar, it's a heavy chain. The symbolism is pretty obvious, but I can always just claim it's macho/muscleman jewelry.

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(in reply to SLAVEBOY32)

RE: "nilla" dating vs. scene dating - 8/19/2009 7:08:45 PM

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In the past i've dated vanilla.....for me it's more about the man and if he has a dominant personality....throw in some kink and i can be relatively happy for awhile....but then i start missing the bdsm and realize i can't and don't want to live a life without it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I don't date anymore since I'm taken but when I did, I didn't separate men into categories. I simply dated dominant personality men whether they ever heard of bdsm or not because in reality..that's what's important to me....being a dominant personality. The rest is just extra stuff that can be fun.

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