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Prinsexx -> RE: SI, childhood abuse and S&M (8/21/2009 3:40:25 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mixielicous
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
My father was a pure gentleman. No. The one thing we had in common was our desire to be better women than our mothers. As we each told our stories we all shared that same wish: that our mothers would have been normal. And that we had therefore to prove ourselves as perfect women to macho typre men.
Not so much about childhood abuse and S & M but abusive mothes and trying to be perfect women.
Prin- this strikes a chord with me. I was never abused mentally or physically by my mother, I did watch her get beaten and belittled though when I was entering puberty. I dont really think this is the correlation with nurture and submission for me though.
I hate to admit it, but I never admired my mother. I loved her very dearly, but I viewed her as weak, I suppose. She had 6 children, with 4 different men. No man was ever able to get her to commit to them. She abandoned my 3 older siblings with their father (and the only one that she had ever married). At a very young age, while she was still with whom I consider my father (not biological) she taught me a word: scape goat. I was very young, maybe, 3. She taught me this word, and I realized she was trying to encourage me down a different path than she had taken.
While I only witnessed abuse from the father of my youngest brother, I know that mine had violent tendencies toward her while I was a toddler. I also know my biological father was, to put it bluntly, psychotic.
But because of this non traditional upbringing (I was one of the few raised in a "broken" home), the fact that she refused to marry, was probably a little slutty, made it hard for me to respect her. She knew she was a scape goat, she could not survive with out it though, she was in a codependent relationship with emotional suffering.
My desire to serve comes very strongly to be a better wife and mother than mine was. She left my life when I was 12, and I was sent to live with my father and my brother. I had the few lessons she had given me. My father never instructed or guided me other than, "dont bother the law and I wont bother you". I was cutting shortly after this. My SI ended shortly after my first S&M experience at 14 (I also started smoking pot at this age).
I apologize for my scattered thoughts.
No need to apologhise in my book for anything stated from prsonal experience.
I understand exactly how one can love one's mother yet not like her.
Love has the upper hand because it is unconditional. But nevertheless there is an underlying awareness, at leat for me, of all the ways I would 'do it' better. Especially in relationship to men.
In the past I have served men (inside and ouside of bdsm dynamics) so well, indeed I have served them beyond my own well being.
This may look like I allowed myself to be ab-used. But for me it was fired by my deep desire to be a better woman than my mother and NOT because I learned abusive relationship from my relationship with my father. My father never raised a hand, spoke an unkind word, swore or even lost his temper. I adored him.
In fact my desire to be better than my mother and my adoration of my fater you could say was the childhoos route to my M/s and S/m.
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