Sex, Money & Horney Patty (Full Version)

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cloudboy -> Sex, Money & Horney Patty (8/31/2009 8:04:19 PM)

There is a monster thread in the ASK A MISTRESS section about Femdoms, tribute, and cheap/generous malesubs. It turned into a real spit ball battle between the sexes.

One guy [onemorewaste] sucked into the melee encapsulated the fight thusly: "the seemingly irreconcilable gulf between 'If you want money you're a fake Domme' and 'If you won't give me money you're a fake sub.'

Turns out HBO's HUNG explored this issue when Horny Patty hired Ray Drekker for a $600.00 burn down session in a hotel. Patty loved the sex, but she likened the experience to "snorting cocaine."

"Its expensive, its a rush, you love it, but after you come back down -- you are out of money, and you feel even more alone, depressed, and pathetic than before."

Rather concisely, Horny Patty (HP) nailed down the core reason most people seeking a BDSM partner don't want pay tributes to their DOM/DOMME. (1) You have to have a lot of money and; (2) you have to not care that (or be happy that) money is a core driver of why the other person "likes" you.

What role do you think money plays in your own BDSM relationship? Should it play any role at all, and if so, what?




lovingpet -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (8/31/2009 8:11:28 PM)

There is no business transaction involved in my relationship. He does insist on paying for everything except my gas when we are together, even when I insist it would be prudent to split the expenses. He feels it is his responsibility to take care of all my needs when we are together. Objecting is useless. He doesn't see it as somehow cheapening things, but just as the responsibilities of being a good dominant man.

lovingpet



littlewonder -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (8/31/2009 9:01:00 PM)

The only role money plays is that it makes it harder to do the things we like to do such as see each other more often, not have to work as much, buy more toys, go more places. Other than that..doesn't affect our relationship in how we see each other I don't think.



NihilusZero -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (8/31/2009 9:13:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

There is no business transaction involved in my relationship.

Relationships inherently are business transactions.



lovingpet -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (8/31/2009 9:14:18 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

There is no business transaction involved in my relationship.

Relationships inherently are business transactions.



Give and take and all, sure I get that. As far as money exchanging hands for my or his mere presence, no, there's nothing of the sort in our dynamic.

lovingpet



Level -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 4:06:47 AM)

There's nothing wrong with kink for money (nor sex for money, for that matter), but yeah, it's good to know it for what it is.



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 4:09:39 AM)

There is a difference between a client/provider relationship and a personal relationship.

In my relationship money plays a role in that neither of us have any.



DesFIP -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 4:42:12 AM)

My net worth is higher than his. It's a delicate balance for me when he asks where I would like to go to dinner. Because I don't feel comfortable picking the most expensive place around, even when I would like that kind of food since I know it is above his budget. Beyond that, it has a very small role.

Although on occasion I wish he would let me take the car into the dealer and get it back the same day instead of him repairing it over several days. I really love my car and hate having to drive the dratted minivan instead. Luckily those kind of major repairs happens only every few years.



cloudboy -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 8:04:43 AM)

quote:

Relationships inherently are business transactions.


Somewhat true. One thing people want to avoid is being used, either for sex or money, but arguably the ideology of BDSM could used to compel these out of a submissive --- and if they balk -- getting tagged as "unsubmissive."

quote:

DesFIP: It's a delicate balance for me when he asks where I would like to go to dinner. Because I don't feel comfortable picking the most expensive place around, even when I would like that kind of food since I know it is above his budget. Beyond that, it has a very small role.


I think the term "delicate balance" is great. Some folks tend to view BDSM as a one way street or a series of one way streets.



cloudboy -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 8:10:09 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

There's nothing wrong with kink for money (nor sex for money, for that matter), but yeah, it's good to know it for what it is.


Actually, if we take Horny Patty's experience as an example, there is something wrong with it -- namely that its unfulfilling. It promises satisfaction, but in the end leads only to the prospect of further, expensive addiction. Ray made HT feel great in the moment, but made her feel worse afterwards -- ergo her analogy of the experience to cocaine.



Arpig -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 9:02:13 AM)

quote:

In my relationship money plays a role in that neither of us have any.
Seems to be a lot of that particular kink these days, its getting more and more popular. [;)]



OttersSwim -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 9:24:12 AM)

Dammit, you're right! 

I bought her $150 in dog food...oh wait, she bought us $200 in clothes...yea but what about those times I filled her gas tank...or the times...she...bought us lunch...and all those hours she came in to work with me...

Nevermind...  [;)]



Lockit -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 12:08:56 PM)

LOL Otter...

I don't want to get into that same old arguement. I think that in these arguments... and there have been many... dominants and submissive alike get caught up in what a few do and think and get lost in the arguement. It becomes an... all the same, bull shit. If we continue to argue it without remembering that we are all different and all are not the same, we make a mistake. But pretty soon in these arguements... and this thread could become a similar thread... some of us get lost and are unheard because the forces protecting their view, kink, actions or rights override those who have a different take on it all.

Money has no place in my relationships, but what it is worth in every day life because we all need it. My life is not based on money, a person or anything else and my relationships are not either, except for the person. We do for one another... we gift one another... we don't use gifts, tributes, fee's or anything else to determine anything and would find it insulting to be considered people who kept score. Nor and maybe more importantly... my relationships do not include proving a point so much that the topic goes on and on and on with a life of it's own.

Why not focus on something more positive? Like... love, people, kinky relations and nevermind what other's are doing and arguing something until the topic itself becomes an embalance?



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 2:46:01 PM)

Money doesn't have a part in my relationships.  A similar approach to money does.

edited for clarity and grammar! 



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 3:15:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


What role do you think money plays in your own BDSM relationship? Should it play any role at all, and if so, what?




Money plays a role in -every- relationship -- how detached we are from that reality determines how realistic we are about issues surrounding money in our relationships.

It takes money to run a household. It takes money for toys, to maintain a dungeon, to pay for groceries, utilities, cable TV, movies, restaurants, clothes, jewelery, mortgages, rent, vehicles, pets, cages, fireplace cleaning, books, seeds, gardening tools... That money has to come from somewhere.

There is, in my mine, no boundary to what a person should be able to do as a career choice, other than that they love what they do. There is also, in my mind, no issue about what people should be able to do -with- their money, as long as everyone whom it has been agreed has a say in the disposition gets hir chance to voice hir opinions.

If you don't want to pay into your relationship, and it's every person for hirself, and it works for everyone involved, awesome. Everyone does their outside job, pays their own share of the bills, and everyone is fiscally independent. If that's what floats your boats, then that's great. But it -still- takes money to keep the household running, and that money -still- has to come from SOME kind of fiscal agreement between everyone involved.

If people are 'familial' (mainstream or fringe-life, because this isn't just about BDSM or D/s relationships) or and they decide that one of them is going to support the other, either by direct payment of bills or by paying the one being supported a set amount on a regular basis, for whatever the return is on the investment, as long as everyone involved believes that they're being treated fairly, then what's the beef?

For myself, everyone in our household contributes something. Some contribute their labor, some contribute financially, and some contribute through special skills. Regardless of how each person contributes, the same bills have to be paid, and everyone has to feel like they're being treated decently (by their standards) in the relationship.

Anyone who says that their relationship "has nothing to do with money" is deluding themselves -- every interaction is a trade, in one manner or another, and it is only in being -honest- about the transactional nature of our companionships that we can move -past- the upwelling of our own issues surrounding money.

Dame Calla



kiwisub12 -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 3:28:28 PM)

When i moved in with Sir, he told me that money was not going to be a problem with us -  and it hasn't.
If i need some and Sir has it, he gives it to me , if Sir needs money, and i have some , i give it to him.   No harm  , no foul.

Money doesn't relate to our lives, other than to fund it.
I'm sure it would be different if we had none, but so far that hasn't been a problem.



CaringandReal -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 4:13:57 PM)

I'm looking forward to a slavery relationship again so I expect my money, as well as everything else I own, will be controlled/used by my owner as he sees fit, as it was in my last relationship. I've never felt as if I'm paying for sex and love, I've just felt...owned. It was a logical extension that all I owned was his.

But he wasn't demanding tribute. He was managing /controlling the money, and because he was responsible that included paying off bills I brought into the relationship that had nothing to do with him. He didn't have to do that, of course, but practically speaking, it could have caused myself, and by extension him, difficulties of those debts had been ignored. I wonder how sub men would like or dislike this sort of arrangement (having no money or property, even their paychecks going to the mistress, and depending upon her to pay for their needs and expenses)?



VanIsleKnight -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 4:48:26 PM)

Money doesn't come up at all, ever, not once, between me and my current Mistress (oh yeah, I have a Mistress btw, sadly it won't last for very long) and it really helps that we were friends before we started doing scenes together.  :)  I know that she cares about me for me, and I care about her for her, and it's much more enjoyable that way. ^_^ The last Domme I had spoken with about possibly starting a relationship with wanted cash tributes, and it turned out that she had a Meth addiction.

Yeah.  Guess which side of the fence I'm on when it comes to financial tributes :P



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 4:53:38 PM)

quote:

But he wasn't demanding tribute.

See, my thought on 'tribute' is essentially the same as my thoughts on 'honor' or 'praise' or 'worship'... getting them by =demand=, =threat=, or =coercion= makes the whole thing a lie.

Tribute is a gift... an honorific. If it is given freely, without demand or expectation, then it has real meaning to me. If I were to demand it, it would be a -payment-, not a -tribute-. I don't see anything wrong with expecting payment for services rendered as a dominant/top... but if I were going to do that, I would be honest about it and call myself a professional top, and let the relationship chips fall where they may.

It is also my opinion that, just because a relationship includes open financial exchange doesn't mean that it can't be as close and intimate and caring as a relationship where the financial exchange is hidden and not openly expressed.

Dame Calla



AlexandraLynch -> RE: Sex, Money & Horney Patty (9/1/2009 5:46:27 PM)

I use requests for tribute online to weed out the horny net geeks. The number of mails filling my inbox dropped by a factor of ten, which works for me. (grin) And quite seriously, if I'm going to spend time online telling someone a story, that's time I can't spend doing something else, and why not ask to get paid for my time and work? But I don't want to do that as a career.

We talk about money differently in a relationship.





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