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I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 9:01:06 AM

Acer49

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 9:07:51 AM

slaveToKnight

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I would probably ask if there are ways I could serve Him better than I am now, as I do not feel I was currently meeting His needs. That would open the door for Master to discuss whether He is happy with the way things were going.

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 9:08:13 AM

littlewonder

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I just suck it up and realize that life gets in the way. I can't imagine my partner in life not ever being dominant since I tend to gravitate towards men who are a dominant personality..it's part of their makeup, but I also realize that life happens..people get exhausted, people get depressed, people need a break from life in general.

I continue to serve him though. I still make his food for him, clean the house, bring him his tea or coffee, take care of any errands he needs accomplished, etc...

For me there's more to being his slave than just playing, him calling me his slave, sex and everything else we associate with bdsm.

If over a period of time though his personality seemed to morph into someone I did not recognize anymore then we would have to have a discussion about what's going on and then some decisions would have to be made...therapy, medical consult, realization of the demise of the relationship and we would go from there.

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 9:38:23 AM

Aileen1968

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I hate when those dominant men don't pay attention and keep wandering away....

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 9:40:30 AM

DesFIP

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The beginning flush of the relationship is a lot of fun. All the attention, the training, etc. After a point you learn his rules. At that point it isn't that he isn't being dominant, it's that he's getting what he wants so he doesn't still have to focus on it.

It would be pretty silly to expect a "Good girl" for making his coffee just right after three years of doing it like that without thinking about it any more. However, the need for attention and the physicalities are still there. So if you aren't getting your hair yanked and a stern reminder about one and a half teaspoons of sugar, not one nor two, then what are you getting your hair yanked for?

The answer here is that you need more play to make up the difference. Expecting him to invent rules to teach you that he doesn't care about isn't the answer. More play is.

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 10:02:45 AM

Lockit

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Coming from a dominant standpoint, I would expect my partner to say something if I hadn't already. If I asked and I have and have been lied to or wasn't given answers, I would be very upset. That would be just another nail in the coffin. So yes, if I failed to see something and didn't address it, I would expect to have it all communicated to me and would hope to provide a safe situation for that open communication. I was lied to because he felt bad for having needs that I was not able to handle in some part because of an injury and because he wasn't being honest about his needs in the first place.

Things change... for better or for worse and if you aren't communicating and just going on the day to day or the past, I think you will get into trouble. Growing comfortable is a good thing... as long as there is that spice everyone need's. Comfortable doesn't mean less hot... it can mean hotter if both want it to be and work it right.

I think sometimes people confuse complacent with comfortable and also that some need a high and low continuous action type thing, which can amount to drama or crisis to bring it all about. While I am older and don't need that contiuous cycle, I don't feel I will be complacent. Comfortable yes... but it all would depend on my partner and how they viewed things. If they didn't see things the way I do... we could have a problem that even talking might not get us through, because by the time things are that out of order, you sometimes cannot repair it. You have to be on the same page.

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 10:10:44 AM

DavanKael

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One of the biggest complaints I hear from submissives is that the Dom/me have become complacent. If you were faced with that situation, would you say something? And if so, how would you phrase so as not to appear to be sounding disrespectful? Would you do something to bring attention to it and if so, what? Or would you simply accept it and hope that the Dom/me came to realize it on their own.

I am coming at this from a Dom as a life partner perspective. Complacency can be an issue in any relationship and is way different from comfort and settledness. Oh, yes: I would definitely say something. I would definitely phrase it in a respectful way (Regardless of dynamic) at first, at least...if it was repetitiously ignored, then I'd bring out the verbal sledge-hammer. It it still wasn't tended to and it was that upsetting, it would likely end the relationship. This would, of course, be across a span of time. I doubt anyone will ever get the extent of time that my ex- got from me in terms of request for changes but I certainly don't believe in cutting and running immediately as a first line of address or action.
Davan

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 10:16:40 AM

Lockit

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Davan, especially after our recent conversations... I have no problem visualizing you with a sledge hammer! lol It's kind of sexy! lol

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 10:33:06 AM

YoursMistress

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As I read this, I am realizing that I am much more comfortable with a lack of attention. If my wife had just left me alone, rather than filing for divorce and pursuing it, I would have likely remained, in the same fashion that my father did with my mother.

I have a great deal of admiration and respect for those quick to recognize it and courageous enough to ask for what they want. I suppose it's a skill that I will have to learn if I am to participate in a successful relationship in the future.

yours

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 10:38:58 AM

Lockit

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I hope you find it yours... it can be an amazing thing that brings so much freedom.

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 10:53:33 AM

Lostkitten3

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My last relationship ended because promises of time together were made, then ignored, delayed and/or changed at the last minute.

After waiting around 2 years for regularity and dependability, I gave up and left the relationship, rather bitter.

However, with marriage, I do think if it has gotten that far, and the participants spent ample time getting to know one another beforehand, and they have children, some obligation and responsibility should kick in to either, work it out, or become complacent and wait it out, given that all relationships have highs and lows.

I do believe in separations for a year or two, but I believe that there is a responsibility to the children, and the partner to make the most effort possible to stay together. Most children don't do better after divorce. Most get used for battle ammunition between the parents.

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 11:33:49 AM

DavanKael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
Davan, especially after our recent conversations... I have no problem visualizing you with a sledge hammer! lol It's kind of sexy! lol

Thank you for the giggle and the compliment, Lockit! :>
Davan

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 11:37:35 AM

Lockit

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LOL... It was my pleasure... for sure! Thank YOU!

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 11:43:04 AM

DavanKael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: YoursMistress

As I read this, I am realizing that I am much more comfortable with a lack of attention. If my wife had just left me alone, rather than filing for divorce and pursuing it, I would have likely remained, in the same fashion that my father did with my mother.

I have a great deal of admiration and respect for those quick to recognize it and courageous enough to ask for what they want. I suppose it's a skill that I will have to learn if I am to participate in a successful relationship in the future.

yours

How immensely insightful. I hope this knowledge and its application there-of serves you well in the future.
Davan

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May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 12:33:19 PM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

One of the biggest complaints I hear from submissives is that the Dom/me have become complacent. If you were faced with that situation, would you say something? And if so, how would you phrase so as not to appear to be sounding disrespectful? Would you do something to bring attention to it and if so, what? Or would you simply accept it and hope that the Dom/me came to realize it on their own.

it is my duty as his slave to bring my concerns to him in a respectful but honest manner. submission isn't always pretty and sometimes the not so pleasant moments can make many keep silent. i believe a discussion should occur and the submissive should be able to substantiate her concerns with concrete incidents coupled with feelings. not merely centered on emotions.

she should look at the situation from a different perspective, factoring in whether present demands or other issues may be contributing to the changes. the last part is to see how she's contributed to it as well. nothing is ever really one person's fault and we're all participants in some capacity. pointing fingers and placing blame should not occur.

my final belief is paramount. once she's taken the situation to him she must step back and allow him to initiate the changes in himself, she cannot push or make demands. in the same vain she must do the same and solicit his advice and/or guidance when doing so. patience is required and situations of this nature don't happen overnight nor will they correct themselves in the same time frame.

it is of utmost importance that she is able to work through the period of discomfort while this is taking place without embracing a negative, victim inspired, or disrespectful demeanor. the dominant is and always will be a man/woman and will have moments of imperfection, as will she. rather than focus on what is wrong she could elect to become the inspiration and steadying force in the dynamic. support is a multidimensional element in any relationship and leaning
should occur in both directions. providing an unwavering hand that remains in place when either party wavers.

porcelaine

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 12:40:05 PM

sblady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

One of the biggest complaints I hear from submissives is that the Dom/me have become complacent. If you were faced with that situation, would you say something? And if so, how would you phrase so as not to appear to be sounding disrespectful? Would you do something to bring attention to it and if so, what? Or would you simply accept it and hope that the Dom/me came to realize it on their own.

What a timely question. Sir hasn't become complacent, but our relationship has changed a couple times. It went from intense D/s to Daddy/girl, to what can now be loosely described as kind, loving and very gentle. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the latter especially as our relationship has always been very loving. However you sometimes crave the intensity of the past.

I wasn't sure how to approach Him without doing the dreaded "topping from the bottom" or being disrespectful. I'd been hoping He would realize that we hadn't had an intense "session" in a while. I was chatting with one of my friends (who happens to be a Dom) and he said just ask for what you want, which I did.

He didn't think it was disrespectful or TFTB and there were absolutely no repercussions for asking. In fact, He's happy to oblige, which is unnerving as He can be rather sadistic.

< Message edited by sblady -- 9/6/2009 12:45:18 PM >

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 1:11:07 PM

daintydimples

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That your dominant has become complacent can be a difficult conversation to initiate.

I liked this suggestion:

I would probably ask if there are ways I could serve Him better than I am now, as I do not feel I was currently meeting His needs. That would open the door for Master to discuss whether He is happy with the way things were going.

If a conversation or series of conversations didn't resolve things (or not for long, ) I would start taking some steps back myself, and I would keep doing that until HE initiated a conversation about what was wrong. It's been my experience that some men will not engage in a conversation about emotions unless they initiate it.

Of course, if he never did notice I was moving away, eventually I'd have moved right out the door.

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 1:30:47 PM

slaveToKnight

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I've found that is my experience too, where some men will not talk about anything emotional unless they initiate it. I guess this makes them feel more comfortable and in control of the situation?

As you so rightly say in these cases it is all about finding out how to take subtle steps backwards to respectfully get His attention.

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 2:08:56 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49
One of the biggest complaints I hear from submissives is that the Dom/me have become complacent. If you were faced with that situation, would you say something? And if so, how would you phrase so as not to appear to be sounding disrespectful? Would you do something to bring attention to it and if so, what? Or would you simply accept it and hope that the Dom/me came to realize it on their own.

You know, much as I'd like to say I swagger around in my dom boots day in and day out, it's just not so. Like everyone else, I have my up moments and my down moments. Carol's general answer to that is just to get more overtly subly -- kneeling and the like -- which seems to pretty reliably get my dom groove back on. Depending on her mood, she'll also just say something about it. Either way, this sort of thing isn't particularly a big deal for us. We have open lines of communication and, at least in our relationship, I have my obligations to her also. Her reminding me of them is typically all it takes.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 9/6/2009 2:09:34 PM >

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RE: I have lost my Dom - 9/6/2009 5:00:29 PM

Acer49

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Thank you all for your imput

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