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Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 6:58:52 AM

DarkSteven

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There've been posts about what complete Internet strangers call you. "You're not a true Dom/sub" is the usual gist, although Nika reported one person calling her an "animal hoarder".

Now if a family member or longtime friend said something like that to me, I'd take notice, but somebody about whom I know nothing...

Is this part of being a D or s type, that an s type is more concerned about others?

Just curious about others' takes.

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 7:06:14 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

There've been posts about what complete Internet strangers call you. "You're not a true Dom/sub" is the usual gist, although Nika reported one person calling her an "animal hoarder".

Now if a family member or longtime friend said something like that to me, I'd take notice, but somebody about whom I know nothing...

Is this part of being a D or s type, that an s type is more concerned about others?

Just curious about others' takes.

personally, and this is only MY thoughts on it....if someone places A LOT of emphasis on what others are calling them...no matter if it is family, friends or strangers...then they have no fucking backbone and aren't worth the time it takes to notice them

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 7:11:18 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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quote:

personally, and this is only MY thoughts on it....if someone places A LOT of emphasis on what others are calling them...no matter if it is family, friends or strangers...then they have no fucking backbone and aren't worth the time it takes to notice them

i disagree.

The opinion of strangers means nothing at all to me. But the opinion of friends and certain family members can stop me in my tracks. I firmly believe we do not always see ourselves as others see us, and do not always recognize our own behavior for what it really is.

"No fucking backbone"? On the contrary, IrishMist. I feel i have a great deal of backbone to listen to the criticism of those i trust and take their words to heart.

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 7:18:10 AM

DesFIP

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I think it hits us harder than we expect because we do not normally have a stranger on the subway come up and say hurtful things. And that's the equivalent here, I may see this person every evening on the train, even exchange passing pleasantries about the weather, traffic conditions, but I am not expecting him/her to suddenly do this.

The sheer unexpectedness has us unprepared. In the same way a soldier in a war zone is expecting gunfire and responds in a trained manner, but you don't expect it at a high school football game and therefore aren't prepared with appropriate responses.

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 7:21:38 AM

Lashra

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I frankly do not care what other people think of me, especially some faceless text on my monitor. I have noticed that SOME s types do seem to be very concerned about what others think about them, enough so that they cannot even put a harasser on ignore/block because they cannot stand the thought of blocking someone.

~Lashra

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 7:41:54 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The sheer unexpectedness has us unprepared. In the same way a soldier in a war zone is expecting gunfire and responds in a trained manner, but you don't expect it at a high school football game and therefore aren't prepared with appropriate responses.

What an interesting point - although given some of the message boards, I wonder why we don't expect it anymore (tongue in cheek).

I think, also, there are people whose opinions we see day in and day out, and even though we haven't actually met, we respect their opinions. Suddenly their opinion is that you (generic) suck (and not in the fun way), and it can be disappointing, to say the least.

I used to pay a lot of credence to what others said, now I don't so much. I even have on my profile that it doesn't matter what label anyone wants to slap on me - I am me, I am happy, and that's all that really matters!

I'll agree with holly, to a point. I do trust my closest friends and family to be honest with me in their opinions, and at times I seek their counsel and ask them to hold up a mirror. This doesn't mean I take their words as gospel - sometimes they are very wrong. But it means I do respect and want their opinions, and I'll consider them.

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 7:54:36 AM

CarrieO

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Joined: 1/27/2008
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There will always be people who judge, I can't control that. What I can control is how I react. I've had random internet strangers email me with "you're not a true this or that" because I don't fit their image of what this or that is. That's their issue, not mine. I refuse to take on the burden of their image issues.

The only opinions that I do take the time to listen to are those of my friends and family. Listen to but not always accept. My friends know I'm open to constructive criticism...that can foster growth and change. Criticism from some online strangers doesn't.

As for caring about the opinions of people here in CM...I'm me, nothing more nothing less. If someone is going to make a judgement call about me...that's their choice, no matter how uninformed it may be. As a example, I posted a question yesterday about accumulating items/letting them go/when is it enough, I was surprised to recieve a couple of emails from people giving me ways to sort thru my "clutter" and letting me know how unsanitary it is to "live in such mess". It made me laugh because it was clear they had skimmed over my post and not paid attention to my actual words.

People will judge...no matter what you do. Its your choice whether or not to accept that judgement.

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 7:57:03 AM

subtlebutterfly

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From: Not your hood
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I call people stupid if I feel they come across as stupid or arrogant etc. but no I don't judge people otherwise (I don't think so at least)

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 8:08:37 AM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
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I want to know if I have a toilet paper tail tastefully flowing from my waistband.

Even if that revelation crushes me to the core. Sometimes, we just need to know.

If it is something I deem uncalled for, I simply call a moving company while they
are at work and have all their possessions transferred to an empty lot across
from the local sewage processing plant. Just to give it all some atmosphere.

If it's a family member, I of course simply hold an estate sale out of respect.

chia* (the pet)

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You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 8:36:03 AM

petmonkey

Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I think it hits us harder than we expect because we do not normally have a stranger on the subway come up and say hurtful things. And that's the equivalent here, I may see this person every evening on the train, even exchange passing pleasantries about the weather, traffic conditions, but I am not expecting him/her to suddenly do this.

The sheer unexpectedness has us unprepared. In the same way a soldier in a war zone is expecting gunfire and responds in a trained manner, but you don't expect it at a high school football game and therefore aren't prepared with appropriate responses.

What DesFIP wrote sums it up for me rather nicely.

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Be excellent to each other.

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Post #: 10

RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 8:39:42 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly
I feel i have a great deal of backbone to listen to the criticism of those i trust and take their words to heart.

Agreed, holly. It's often way easier to just say "Yeah, well fuck you then since you don't agree with me" than to take to heart what was said and look at yourself and really decide if it's true. That takes much more inner strength, I believe. And, as NuevaVida so eloquently stated, you don't have to take the words of those you care about as "gospel," but they sure can be a good impetus for examining oneself a bit closer now and then. Great topic..........luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 9/11/2009 8:40:13 AM >

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 8:53:36 AM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci
...but they sure can be a good impetus for examining oneself a bit closer now and then. Great topic..........luci

LOL I've done a good deal of foot stomping during those self examinations, too! Dang.

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 9:05:27 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

There've been posts about what complete Internet strangers call you. "You're not a true Dom/sub" is the usual gist, although Nika reported one person calling her an "animal hoarder".

Is this part of being a D or s type, that an s type is more concerned about others?

these people don't know you. they know what you've elected to present about yourself. if you don't expect people to comment or have an opinion, keep quiet. it is inevitable whether we're in a virtual setting or passing a stranger on the street. the only difference in this environment is that you're seeing what's actually been said - to a point. most reasonable persons with some measure of breeding will temper their negativity. others are simply miserable blots who insist on sharing their discomfort with others. you don't have to do anything to incur it, they have a system at work in their befuddled minds that a rational person wouldn't desire to understand.

that being said, getting your knickers in a knot about what some presumably familiar stranger thinks about your behavior, when in truth they've only been given a glimpse of any situation, is truly ridiculous. some of the aggravation can simply be ignored or chalked up as a part of relating with people with different ideologies, some quite passionate about defending them. you can't please everyone, hell not even most people the majority of the time. i'd personally wonder if these people need some better things to fret about.

porcelaine

< Message edited by porcelaine -- 9/11/2009 9:06:34 AM >

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 9:14:17 AM

VirginPotty

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

personally, and this is only MY thoughts on it....if someone places A LOT of emphasis on what others are calling them...no matter if it is family, friends or strangers...then they have no fucking backbone and aren't worth the time it takes to notice them

i disagree.

The opinion of strangers means nothing at all to me. But the opinion of friends and certain family members can stop me in my tracks. I firmly believe we do not always see ourselves as others see us, and do not always recognize our own behavior for what it really is.

"No fucking backbone"? On the contrary, IrishMist. I feel i have a great deal of backbone to listen to the criticism of those i trust and take their words to heart.

I have to agree w/the Clumsy One on this especially the highlighted area. I can speak from firsthand experience that my own behavior was out of whack here on the Boards and when it was pointed out to me by folks I've met in RL AND folks I have only chatted with online you better believe I took a long look and realized they were right. I didn't see it for what it was, they did and because I respected their opinions I acted on it. (Hopefully)

As for complete strangers commenting on my profile, I'll admit to taking another look to see if they have a valid point and have on occasion changed my wording because I realized they had a point. If I realize the stranger just needed to be a bitch/or a prick I'll say "F**K you" & move on.

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 9:26:04 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

personally, and this is only MY thoughts on it....if someone places A LOT of emphasis on what others are calling them...no matter if it is family, friends or strangers...then they have no fucking backbone and aren't worth the time it takes to notice them

i disagree.

The opinion of strangers means nothing at all to me. But the opinion of friends and certain family members can stop me in my tracks. I firmly believe we do not always see ourselves as others see us, and do not always recognize our own behavior for what it really is.

"No fucking backbone"? On the contrary, IrishMist. I feel i have a great deal of backbone to listen to the criticism of those i trust and take their words to heart.

So, you are telling me that if a family member told you that you were worthless, you would suddenly start to believe that you are worthless?
You are telling me that you would not stop, look at them, and say fuck you, I am not wortless?

Is that what you are telling me?

When a person places too much emphasis on what OTHERS are telling them, and does not stop to stand up for themselves...Yes, they have no backbone and are not woth my time.

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 9/11/2009 9:27:27 AM >

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 9:30:13 AM

VirginPotty

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

personally, and this is only MY thoughts on it....if someone places A LOT of emphasis on what others are calling them...no matter if it is family, friends or strangers...then they have no fucking backbone and aren't worth the time it takes to notice them

i disagree.

The opinion of strangers means nothing at all to me. But the opinion of friends and certain family members can stop me in my tracks. I firmly believe we do not always see ourselves as others see us, and do not always recognize our own behavior for what it really is.

"No fucking backbone"? On the contrary, IrishMist. I feel i have a great deal of backbone to listen to the criticism of those i trust and take their words to heart.

So, you are telling me that if a family member told you that you were worthless, you would suddenly start to believe that you are worthless?
You are telling me that you would not stop, look at them, and say fuck you, I am not wortless?

Is that what you are telling me?

When a person places too much emphasis on what OTHERS are telling them, and does not stop to stand up for themselves...Yes, they have no backbone and are not woth my time.

I know you addressed this to Holly but since I"m here 1st......where in ANY of the above quotes do you talk about people saying a person is "worthless". We're not talking about EVERYTHING a person calls you, just general comments I'm sure.

**Eta, are you saying IM that if someone said to you you're kind of harsh you'd tell them to fuck themself? You wouldn't take a 2nd look at your behaviour?**

< Message edited by VirginPotty -- 9/11/2009 9:31:24 AM >

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Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 9:37:25 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

I know you addressed this to Holly but since I"m here 1st......where in ANY of the above quotes do you talk about people saying a person is "worthless". We're not talking about EVERYTHING a person calls you, just general comments I'm sure

My thoughts on this don't change simply because it becomes out of context with this website.

A stranger, a family member, a friend...it does not matter...if they can't stand for themselves and fight for themselves in this context...they have no backbone and are not worth the time. That includes just general comments.

Most people here think I am a total bitch. I am. I don't deny it. My kids have even called me that on occassion. My youngest once told me that I was souless.

I just smiled at her, nodded my head and told her to remember that always. I have often been accused that I am incapable of loving them; something to which I responded with anger, disgust, and total disregard for feelings when I showed and proved just how much I was capable of love.

If I was to accuse my daughter of any of the above, I know exactly what would happen. She would put the years of training to use and flay my ass before walking off with her head held high.

A person needs to be able to defend themselves, against anyone; physical, verbal, emotional...there are no excuses for hanging your head and hiding in self pity.

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RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 9:40:30 AM

VirginPotty

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
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Who said anything about "hanging their head in self pity"? I think it takes a STRONG person to listen to others opinions, think about what they've said & if they think the person's correct do something about it.
It's the weak who'll always think they're right and everyone else is wrong. They're the one's who should be "hanging their head". I see no strength in character in that frame of mine.

_____________________________

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

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Post #: 18

RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 9:43:15 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

Who said anything about "hanging their head in self pity"? I think it takes a STRONG person to listen to others opinions, think about what they've said & if they think the person's correct do something about it.
It's the weak who'll always think they're right and everyone else is wrong. They're the one's who should be "hanging their head". I see no strength in character in that frame of mine.

*sigh*
Obviously ya'll are so upset about what I said that you are not thinking clearly.

I never condemned someone for listening to what others had to say and taking it to heart.

My responses, every single one, are for those who listen to others and give up, thinking 'well, they said this, it must be true. And since it's true, why should I try to change it."

*shrug*
Oh well...no biggie...it happens

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 9/11/2009 9:44:10 AM >

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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Post #: 19

RE: Why do you care? - 9/11/2009 9:46:03 AM

VirginPotty

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

personally, and this is only MY thoughts on it....if someone places A LOT of emphasis on what others are calling them...no matter if it is family, friends or strangers...then they have no fucking backbone and aren't worth the time it takes to notice them

quote:

I never condemned someone for listening to what others had to say and taking it to heart.

My responses, every single one, are for those who listen to others and give up, thinking 'well, they said this, it must be true. And since it's true, why should I try to change it."

I don't see it.

_____________________________

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 20

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