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"My Dom" - 9/15/2009 9:51:15 PM

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I notice that on these forums when people refer to their partner, the majority of the time the dominant partner is referred to as his or her BDSM role, while the submissive partner (if not a slave) is generally given some sort of affectionate term. You see a lot of people saying my Dom/me, my Master, my Mistress, my Daddy, my Sir, etc., compared to my girl, my pet, my boy, etc. Those with a M/s relationship rather than a D/s one tend to use "slave" but I'm talking more about D/s. I have a few questions about that.

1. Do you use different terms with vanilla people as you do with kinky people? IE is he your boyfriend/husband with vanillas, and your dom/pet with BDSM'ers?

2. Do you feel uncomfortable calling your long-term partner a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend' when talking to other BDSM'ers?

3. Do you think this is a sign of what people put primary value on? In other words, do you think that saying "my boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife/partner/significant other" puts a primary value on the relationship you two have, while saying "my Dom/Master/Daddy/Sir/Mistress" puts primary value on your power exchange/BDSM roles?

RE: "My Dom" - 9/15/2009 9:59:15 PM

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Joined: 9/21/2007
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1) Hmmm, most my friends are kinky so thats a hard one to answer. I told my mom he's my boyfriend, and to my kinky friends I've refereed to him as everything from Master to Akri to Daddy.

2) yeah, He's more then my boyfriend....that seems like a high-schooler phrase to me

3) mmm......not particular either way. Our relationship is TPE so, its kind of a moot point for me.

< Message edited by Sunnyfey -- 9/15/2009 10:02:36 PM >

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/15/2009 10:10:20 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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Yes, with people who're un aware of our dynamic because it's not their place to know or not appropriate to know I call him James or my bf. And no I have no problem calling him my bf around bdsmers, but why should I when his title is Daddy and that is what I call him

I'm not qualified to speak for any one else or form opinions on what any one else is doing or thinking or placing value on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

1. Do you use different terms with vanilla people as you do with kinky people? IE is he your boyfriend/husband with vanillas, and your dom/pet with BDSM'ers?

2. Do you feel uncomfortable calling your long-term partner a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend' when talking to other BDSM'ers?

3. Do you think this is a sign of what people put primary value on? In other words, do you think that saying "my boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife/partner/significant other" puts a primary value on the relationship you two have, while saying "my Dom/Master/Daddy/Sir/Mistress" puts primary value on your power exchange/BDSM roles?

(in reply to Elisabella)

RE: "My Dom" - 9/15/2009 10:11:41 PM

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I'm not much into boyfriend/girlfriend either, that does seem very high schoolish and I'm way past that. Besides, with Master being 15 years younger, referring to Him as my boyfriend would simply call attention to my cougar nature LOL! As I'm still officially married to the ex (he can get off his arse and organise the divorce!), and Master and i have no plans to marry, He's not my hubby. So we tend to use the term "partner" when out in the world. We are musical partners too so it fits well. However, with bdsm friends He is referred to as my Master and He refers to me as pet or violet. The friends themselves tend to call Me Jay as they interact more with My Domme side. And if they are potential subbies it's Maam and Master Adrian (as Master hates being called Sir). And now you're all confused, I'm sure!

I'm not sure it's a matter of how much we value the different interactions, it's more a matter of respecting the company we are in. We value both the partnership and the M/s nature of it equally.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/15/2009 10:51:00 PM

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

1. Do you use different terms with vanilla people as you do with kinky people? IE is he your boyfriend/husband with vanillas, and your dom/pet with BDSM'ers?

2. Do you feel uncomfortable calling your long-term partner a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend' when talking to other BDSM'ers?

3. Do you think this is a sign of what people put primary value on? In other words, do you think that saying "my boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife/partner/significant other" puts a primary value on the relationship you two have, while saying "my Dom/Master/Daddy/Sir/Mistress" puts primary value on your power exchange/BDSM roles?

i met a dom once that said if we did end up taking that step i would have to say sir all the time and i could have fun with it but sir had to be in there, i could do this with my friends, and maybe even my family if i was clever about it but i dont know if i could do master all the time unless its in private.

yes i do, unless that is what we are.

mmm, yes i do, however, it is not really up to the submissive as to what they call the other, i guess the dom would deside. and if they said you dont need to say master sir or any of that outside of privacy that doesnt make the power exchange less important.

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(in reply to Elisabella)

RE: "My Dom" - 9/15/2009 11:19:31 PM

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1) To others in the lifestyle, he is "Master"; to vanillas, even in the workplace, he is "Master"; if there is a squicky look or a question, he is "Monsieur" or "the Man". Being so completely out about this way of life is great. :)
2) Master is soooooo definitely not a boyfriend.
3) The relationship is M/s and so it's not really placing primary value to it....it's the only value. There is no boyfriend/girlfriend here, partner or even significant other...it's Master/slave or Owner/property. To put another kind of label or term to it would be a lie.

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/15/2009 11:32:32 PM

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Joined: 9/28/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

I notice that on these forums when people refer to their partner, the majority of the time the dominant partner is referred to as his or her BDSM role, while the submissive partner (if not a slave) is generally given some sort of affectionate term. You see a lot of people saying my Dom/me, my Master, my Mistress, my Daddy, my Sir, etc., compared to my girl, my pet, my boy, etc. Those with a M/s relationship rather than a D/s one tend to use "slave" but I'm talking more about D/s. I have a few questions about that.

1. Do you use different terms with vanilla people as you do with kinky people? IE is he your boyfriend/husband with vanillas, and your dom/pet with BDSM'ers? my M is my Master when i speak with those that are aware of the way we live, and He is my husband when i speak to those that aren't privy to this part of our lives.

2. Do you feel uncomfortable calling your long-term partner a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend' when talking to other BDSM'ers? i usually don't because i like to make it clear what role i play in the scheme of things.

3. Do you think this is a sign of what people put primary value on? In other words, do you think that saying "my boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife/partner/significant other" puts a primary value on the relationship you two have, while saying "my Dom/Master/Daddy/Sir/Mistress" puts primary value on your power exchange/BDSM roles? To me Him being my Master and my husband go hand in hand. Neither is more important, nor more powerful...just a part of who we are as a couple or dynamic. i can exchange them freely with those that know we are part of a 24/7 and i feel comfortable with referring to Him in the best fitting way for the time at hand.

_____________________________

~anne

This girl is a slave, but she is also a woman full of love, life, and who has a ton of interests.
Don't judge a book by it's name, judge it by it's content..

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(in reply to Elisabella)

RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 12:03:59 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella
1. Do you use different terms with vanilla people as you do with kinky people? IE is he your boyfriend/husband with vanillas, and your dom/pet with BDSM'ers?

He is his real name.

quote:

2. Do you feel uncomfortable calling your long-term partner a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend' when talking to other BDSM'ers?

I do not call him my 'boyfriend' because we are too old.

But seriously, those words for us, are for teens and our children. Partner is far more acceptable to us.

quote:

3. Do you think this is a sign of what people put primary value on? In other words, do you think that saying "my boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife/partner/significant other" puts a primary value on the relationship you two have, while saying "my Dom/Master/Daddy/Sir/Mistress" puts primary value on your power exchange/BDSM roles?

He is either his name, or a pet name I am allowed for him. For him, he uses my name or calls me 'woman'. My parents think it's cute. My children hear it and think nothing more than it's just another name. Our friends think it's cute too. We don't seperate our relationship into differnet bits for others. We just are and our relationship is valuable full stop and there is no need to attempt to enhance it with different names.

the.dark.

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(in reply to Elisabella)

RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 12:26:26 AM

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

I notice that on these forums when people refer to their partner, the majority of the time the dominant partner is referred to as his or her BDSM role, while the submissive partner (if not a slave) is generally given some sort of affectionate term. You see a lot of people saying my Dom/me, my Master, my Mistress, my Daddy, my Sir, etc., compared to my girl, my pet, my boy, etc. Those with a M/s relationship rather than a D/s one tend to use "slave" but I'm talking more about D/s. I have a few questions about that.

1. Do you use different terms with vanilla people as you do with kinky people? IE is he your boyfriend/husband with vanillas, and your dom/pet with BDSM'ers?

2. Do you feel uncomfortable calling your long-term partner a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend' when talking to other BDSM'ers?

3. Do you think this is a sign of what people put primary value on? In other words, do you think that saying "my boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife/partner/significant other" puts a primary value on the relationship you two have, while saying "my Dom/Master/Daddy/Sir/Mistress" puts primary value on your power exchange/BDSM roles?

1- her name was same regardless
2-I use her name, not her position
3-no, I think you maybe overthinking, There are many people who have multiple relationships and it is just a way to clarify with others. who is what

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(in reply to Elisabella)

RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 1:12:17 AM

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1) I think I mostly just call her "Carol", "My wife", or "bunny" around most sorts of people. She tends to call me "Bun" or "Sir" although the "Sir" doesn't come out much in public.

2) I dislike girlfriend no matter what. I'm too old for that.

3) I think people want to emphasize different things at different times.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Elisabella)

RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 4:15:29 AM

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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To his face I call him by name or Honey. To other people in r/l I refer to him by name. I started calling him The Man years ago on another d/s site and it stuck.

As to what trumps what? I don't separate out the components of the relationship. He is my lover, my leader, my best friend. All those things together go into my relationship.

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 4:51:47 AM

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He was always called Master; in private and in public; no matter who was present.

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 4:53:39 AM

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Joined: 3/3/2008
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I call him by his name. I introduce him as my accomplice or sometimes my partner. Sometimes, I reflexively say 'yes sir', and if he is being bossy I generally say 'yes Daddy' (to which he responds good girl (which makes me all fuzzy inside) - He says I am his girl, he is my wolf - - -

Something about "Master", "Lord", "Sir", "pet" etc just rub me the wrong way - as if I am modeling behavior on what other people do, or something I have read in books.

The whole labeling thing makes my head spin; am I a sub or a slave? is he a Master or Dom or Top? Is this a TPE or a 24/7?

I mean, throughout the days our roles change from friends, to lovers, to colleagues, to partners, to boyfriend / girlfriend. Sometimes we are domestic partners out of the 1950's; I wash the dishes, he takes out the trash. Sometimes I have to give the instructions (3 eggs in that cake - please design that web page in a darker color - in English we use this phrase), sometimes I have to argue with him (we work together, and work issues must be argued about and simply saying 'Yes, Daddy - its Perfect' would be a betrayal) --- but if he says bend over, I do. If he says go get the crop, I do. He says 'on your knees' - well - there I am.

It works for us, I know I am his, and I am blissfully happy. But if I begin to worry about the labels - I become so much less free!

< Message edited by katrinka -- 9/16/2009 4:55:25 AM >

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 5:05:59 AM

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Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

1. Do you use different terms with vanilla people as you do with kinky people? IE is he your boyfriend/husband with vanillas, and your dom/pet with BDSM'ers?

2. Do you feel uncomfortable calling your long-term partner a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend' when talking to other BDSM'ers?

3. Do you think this is a sign of what people put primary value on? In other words, do you think that saying "my boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife/partner/significant other" puts a primary value on the relationship you two have, while saying "my Dom/Master/Daddy/Sir/Mistress" puts primary value on your power exchange/BDSM roles?

1. all of my friends are kinky, however my approach is identical when i'm discussing the person with a friend, acquaintance or stranger. i utilize his first name. i've never felt a reason to do otherwise.

2. no, why should i? that's what he is. we are never wholly leather. or we would be singular, not plural. color me kink with a realistic vanilla bent.

3. not at all. but i think people will read into things if they have too much time on their hands. i'm as likely to say master as i am sweetheart. i would think of him as my love and my keeper. i may call him daddy but he's still my main squeeze. it is all semantics. one person demonstrating different aspects of themselves with a neat little label affixed for each. it kinda reminds of those packages that have a zillion postage stickers on them. i could care less about all of that. i'm interested in its contents. only one thing matters. he's mine and i'm his.

porcelaine

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(in reply to Elisabella)

RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 5:19:14 AM

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From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
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Greetings

When I was a slave me and Aswad did not really get into the whole calling one another by specific names and titles. I referred to him as Master in letters and the like where such was easy to remember but called him by name in face to face conversation and he referred to me by my name, Anja, or by some cuddly nickname like his little witch.

This however was a bit of a problem. Aswad is my first love, the only man I have had a relationship with, and I am the only girl he have had a real relationship with, and while the pepole in this relationship have stayed the same, the nature of it have changed. We have always been kinky, but when we went from boyfriend and girlfriend to Master and slave, what really stopped that from working was our unability to get really into the dynamic. No matter our position to one another. I always saw him as my boyfriend and he me as his girlfriend. I think that perhaps if we had forced our way through the phase where refering to him as Master and he using a slave name for me felt akward, then that might have made it more easy to establish a stable dynamic.

I wish you well

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Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 5:56:33 AM

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It was always their choice as to what they called me and as to what I called them.
My ex refrred to me as slave when I was owned, referred to me by my first name when I was being admonished and as baby, hon or slut, bitch, whore or cunt at other times.
When he calls me slave again we're back in business....

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 6:01:47 AM

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From: Quietville
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quote:

. Do you feel uncomfortable calling your long-term partner a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend' when talking to other BDSM'ers?

when we were dating i called him my "significant other" ("boyfriend" sounds like i am in high school). For the most part, irregardless of whether i am talking to a vanilla person or a kinky one, i either call him by his first name or refer to him as my husband.

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 6:15:44 AM

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I don't use the term boyfriend. It's either "someone I am seeing," my "other," or my "partner," depending on where we are at in the relationship.

I would not call someone master in public, I would use their first name.

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 6:21:42 AM

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Joined: 2/9/2006
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quote:

1. Do you use different terms with vanilla people as you do with kinky people? IE is he your boyfriend/husband with vanillas, and your dom/pet with BDSM'ers?

In front of vanillas I call him my boyfriend. They do not need to know the details of our relationship and most likely would not understand them. In front of the kinksters he is my "boy" or "Mr Yummybuns" or whatever I feel like calling him[/color]

2. Do you feel uncomfortable calling your long-term partner a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend' when talking to other BDSM'ers?

No I do not feel uncomfortable calling him my boyfriend, though I have gotten some looks from BDSMer's, which I ignored. What I call him is my business.

3. Do you think this is a sign of what people put primary value on? In other words, do you think that saying "my boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife/partner/significant other" puts a primary value on the relationship you two have, while saying "my Dom/Master/Daddy/Sir/Mistress" puts primary value on your power exchange/BDSM roles?

Saying he is my submissive explains his role in the power exchange of our relationship. Saying that he is my boyfriend explains his role further as my life partner.

< Message edited by Lashra -- 9/16/2009 6:22:38 AM >

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RE: "My Dom" - 9/16/2009 8:43:19 AM

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I refer to him by name...sometimes Mr. (Name) and sometimes the Spanish version of his name (my mom calls him the Spanish version, and he likes that). In front of others, I call him Darling.
Like others have said, I feel too old to refer to him as "boyfriend" although he has introduced me as "girlfriend." In Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I've jokingly called him my "man-friend."
I don't really think about it, to be honest. My D/s friends know he is my owner and Daddy. My non-D/s friends see him as my significant other/partner/"man-friend", the man I love, etc. He and I both know the significance of our relationship and we refer to each other publicly in a way that doesn't make others uncomfortable.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Elisabella)

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