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I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 10:40:20 AM

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Until I met Steve I only ever Dominated. I knew that one day I would submit but it had to be to someone who had the guts to take me their...... I was never going to be easy. I fight like a tiger and would frighten most Doms or at least earn the label 'not a real submissive'
Steve came along and without hesitation he subdued me. Whats frightening is, he did it with such ease.
Years of teaching Dominant men that if they so much as tried to Dominate me I would have to severely put them in there place and along comes Steve and does it as easily as the flick of a light switch.
I still don't think of myself as a 'real' submissive and I am happy with that but I enjoy being taken down (by him)
The switch side of me is ever apparent. Give me an inch and I will take a mile. Well I have not been given an inch but I'm suddenly itching to take that mile.
The Dominance is welling up in me and become a hunger that drives my day.
I love this man and yet I keep wondering what the hell I'm doing here.
I keep reading on the boards about 'how one should be' and 'My sub would never do that' or 'I do whatever Master pleases' and I can't relate to it at all other than from the Dominants point of view.
I get to play.. to Dominate but its not enough.

Has anyone else been through something similar?
Is this a passing phase or was I really always just a sheep in wolfs clothing.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 10:51:04 AM

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No, I totally understand exactly where you are coming from.

for me its come to a point, when I want to not only take the mile...but the whole motherfucking world....then I remember this, "Ok, sticking my finger into a light socket isnt as fun as it looks". Granted I MAY enjoy the sensations now and then, but I dont enjoy the emotions that come with it. If I step out of line, and feel the need to jump for that mile, He'll get upset, He'll get mad (as he should I think) and I'll get in trouble. And not just "im going to playfully put you in corner time" trouble, more like "we need to reevaluate if you want to be here or not" trouble. And that hurts me. I dont like doing things to myself that hurt. So I sit back and think about it..."is whatever this is important enough for me to potentially lose my relationship over?" It's never important enough, if I'm happy in the relationship.

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(in reply to allthatjaz)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 10:58:27 AM

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I think it's a need to understand that this relationship is vastly different from the rest in your life. He's not just anybody...obviously. He is the one man that was able to take you when no one else could. It is the difference between being a submissive or being HIS submissive. It is all the world. It doesn't matter how others view you, or even how you view yourself. What does matter is his opinion of that submissive you. He seems quite pleased. That is your peace and reassurance. If you were not what he defined as submissive, I doubt you would be together. It is the same for us. I am what he wants and needs, whether I understand it or accept what he calls that or not and I am perfectly happy with that.

I can attest that, to many, you will always be not a "real" submissive because of your dominant tendancies. It is hard to think of myself in the same sentence as such words as submissive, slave, whathaveyou either because no one else really relates to me in that space. Only one has really gotten to that very intimate and hidden place and, like you, he did it with such ease as to almost be insulting. People say a switch can never be a slave. I am slave to one and that is painfully obvious. As much as I may baulk at the title or fight what it means, I am his and I know it. I am thoroughly owned and possessed. There's no turning back.

It is a unique battle we face, even more so when it comes to a relationship that addresses our shadowed side. I have to remember that my submission to my partner does not remotely negate this other side of me. What would you say your place is with Steve? Look at that answer and see what you think. Are you submissive? I'd be willing to bet, in that very narrow instance that, yes, you are submissive. It doesn't matter all the muddled noise in confusion in our own head or the wagging fingers of others. We are what we are, simply and purely.

Do you really want out? Do you really want to go without that presence in your life? I somehow doubt that. It is that you may be on the cusp of a new phase of your relationship. You may be in need of being that presence for someone else, in its entirety, not just play. I don't have to tell you I'm sure that sitting down and talking about this, addressing the issue is important. Find the path that is going to fit with both your needs. All my best!

lovingpet

(in reply to allthatjaz)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 11:02:08 AM

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oh and M? Sometimes you think too hard sister

*hugs*

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RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 11:03:01 AM

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I appreciate reading this and the insight.

As I may or may not have mentioned in the past, I seriously considered a relationship with a switch once. The issues that kept it from happening had nothing at all to do with her.......switchiness, as she calls it.

I do remember her often cursing me, still does sometimes when we talk, for the instant change in her I create. I was always kind of confused and would say things like "but I didn't DO anything!" And she would reply with something like "You do have to actively do anything, just being you is enough.". I still didn't always get it.

So I guess it is one of those intangible chemistry things. I am glad that both of you have found the person that does that "thing" for you.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 12:18:02 PM

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From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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FR, after read thru

I consider myself to be a dom-leaning switch. But I don't think I'm willing to give up either, tho' I may need multiple partners to make it all work out. Depends on the partner(s) . . . . .

I want it all, what can I say. (I'm special, or at least, I think so . . . . . *smirk*) Domination & submission. Sadism & masochism. Men & women. Topping & bottoming. Bondage & discipline. Fetishes & kinks. RACK & SSC. Public & private. (I'll skip the dogs & cats, living together, thanks . . . lol)

I guess what I'm unclear on, Maria, (in order to possibly render you more assistance than my usual ego dump) is whether you're implying that you want / need to dom Steve, or you need a comparable intimate relationship with a sub to feel fully satisfied, a relationship you don't currently have . . . . Or?

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Snarko ergo sum.

The Verbossinator

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 1:10:12 PM

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Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

No, I totally understand exactly where you are coming from.

for me its come to a point, when I want to not only take the mile...but the whole motherfucking world....then I remember this, "Ok, sticking my finger into a light socket isnt as fun as it looks". Granted I MAY enjoy the sensations now and then, but I dont enjoy the emotions that come with it. If I step out of line, and feel the need to jump for that mile, He'll get upset, He'll get mad (as he should I think) and I'll get in trouble. And not just "im going to playfully put you in corner time" trouble, more like "we need to reevaluate if you want to be here or not" trouble. And that hurts me. I dont like doing things to myself that hurt. So I sit back and think about it..."is whatever this is important enough for me to potentially lose my relationship over?" It's never important enough, if I'm happy in the relationship.

You said two things that had some real meaning for me

That you understand exactly where I am coming from.... You know Sunny, its great when someone can relate to the extent that you obviously can.

and... Its never important enough, if I'm happy in the relationship.... I am blissfully happy and so I agree....its actually not very important at all

Thanks and hugs

Maria

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 9/16/2009 1:21:35 PM >

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 1:20:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

I can attest that, to many, you will always be not a "real" submissive because of your dominant tendancies. It is hard to think of myself in the same sentence as such words as submissive, slave, whathaveyou either because no one else really relates to me in that space. Only one has really gotten to that very intimate and hidden place and, like you, he did it with such ease as to almost be insulting. People say a switch can never be a slave. I am slave to one and that is painfully obvious. As much as I may baulk at the title or fight what it means, I am his and I know it. I am thoroughly owned and possessed. There's no turning back.

Do you really want out? Do you really want to go without that presence in your life?

lovingpet

Thank you for all of that lovingpet

I wanted to quote these few lines in particular.
I read that top paragraph and laughed to myself because it suddenly dawned on me that not only are we (as switches) able to be just as submissive as any other submissive but we are incredibly fussy. I also think it takes a braver man to take a switch female and get out of them what our partners get from us.

No I don't want to leave him. He rocks my world.

Hugs

Maria

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 9/16/2009 1:22:01 PM >

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to lovingpet)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 1:24:46 PM

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Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

FR, after read thru

I consider myself to be a dom-leaning switch. But I don't think I'm willing to give up either, tho' I may need multiple partners to make it all work out. Depends on the partner(s) . . . . .

I want it all, what can I say. (I'm special, or at least, I think so . . . . . *smirk*) Domination & submission. Sadism & masochism. Men & women. Topping & bottoming. Bondage & discipline. Fetishes & kinks. RACK & SSC. Public & private. (I'll skip the dogs & cats, living together, thanks . . . lol)

I guess what I'm unclear on, Maria, (in order to possibly render you more assistance than my usual ego dump) is whether you're implying that you want / need to dom Steve, or you need a comparable intimate relationship with a sub to feel fully satisfied, a relationship you don't currently have . . . . Or?

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to DemonKia)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 4:48:22 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

"You do have to actively do anything, just being you is enough.". I still didn't always get it.

So I guess it is one of those intangible chemistry things. I am glad that both of you have found the person that does that "thing" for you.

I think you just answered your own question. My experience it literally was hard core animal magnitism...there was no sex, there was no "play" (and all that entails) but this man could say jump and I'd be in the air before asking how high. Still to this day count him as one of the great loves of my life and there was never anything more sexual or sensual than kissing even after 3 years.

As part of my spiritual education I've come to believe that there are lovers, people that did us harm, and family from previous lives that we come across in the present, how else would it "logically" make sense?

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/16/2009 6:46:00 PM

impishlilhellcat

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I've been where you are and I can't say that I handled it nearly as gracefully as you or Sunny did. It was constant turmoil for me and I messed up something wonderful. I wanted to please him desperately, but if felt so wrong to give up control like that. He touched me in places emotionally and physically speaking in ways that no one every had before. He could give just one single look and it would stop me dead in my tracks and make me think twice without him ever saying a word. He made me blissfully happy and I fought it because I thought this is not how things are supposed to be. Hindsight is always 20/20 and if I ever had the chance again I'd do things completely different and trust my instincts and my heart. I have to agree with lovingpet and Sunny.

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RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/17/2009 5:28:45 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

FR, after read thru

I consider myself to be a dom-leaning switch. But I don't think I'm willing to give up either, tho' I may need multiple partners to make it all work out. Depends on the partner(s) . . . . .

I want it all, what can I say. (I'm special, or at least, I think so . . . . . *smirk*) Domination & submission. Sadism & masochism. Men & women. Topping & bottoming. Bondage & discipline. Fetishes & kinks. RACK & SSC. Public & private. (I'll skip the dogs & cats, living together, thanks . . . lol)

I guess what I'm unclear on, Maria, (in order to possibly render you more assistance than my usual ego dump) is whether you're implying that you want / need to dom Steve, or you need a comparable intimate relationship with a sub to feel fully satisfied, a relationship you don't currently have . . . . Or?

Sorry about that. I went to quote you, clicked the wrong button and then lost my internet connection!!

Steve is known to switch but is not submissive. My hunger is in someways towards him and certainly not towards forming a relationship with someone else but its a little more complex than just saying 'you had your turn last night, tonight its my turn'. I see Steve as Dominant and even when I manage to subdue him to an angle I want, he has that look on his face and that fire in his eyes that says 'be careful, this man is Dominant' and anything I do to him is going to come back to me tenfold!.
I guess what I am saying is I sometimes miss the way I was. Thats not to say that I am not happy in my situation. Like I said to lovingpet.... he rocks my world and this is a man that I not only spend my nights with but spend my days with too. We work together and we are rarely apart for more than an hour in any week. Anyone knows you have to get on incredibly well to live like we do.
I was always staunchly independent. I ruled my own world and I played hard often. I never got tired or thought about hanging up my whip! I spent years in a similar thing to sub frenzy though mine was the Domme side.
We have tried Dominating another person together and although its always panned out fairly pleasing to the sub, it feels like a colonel officer situation and I'm the officer.

Steve and me spoke about this at length last night and we have both decided that we will approach this with a slightly different angle.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to DemonKia)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/17/2009 6:05:53 AM

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I've found that when one side is overly provoked, a lot of switches can't satisfactorily flip. He's got you by your little submissive heartstrings and it is nearly impossible to see him as anything other. No? My partner is not switch, but I can see how that can happen. The very thing that allowed them to dominate us in the first place makes it next to impossible to view them otherwise. Even from the bottom, he's really in control and that has got to be a pisser! LOL

I've said it takes one hell of a dominant to subdue most switches. It is this perceived dripping, sopping purity of distilled control that finally lets us give it up. Now how on earth can that be cut strongly enough to both retain our submission AND allow us to hungrily and freely dominate that same person? Very rarely can we. I find the ability to switch within a relationship pretty much nonexistant. It can happen with me, but there is a certain tightrope that must be walked to perfection. I am pretty much unilateral in my relationships because of this. There is no way, no how, that I will EVER overtake my partner even if he were switch. At best I'd be serving his masochistic needs if he had any. It is a perfect impossibility.

Losing that independence in the process is a hateful thing! I know. I watch it slip away every day to this man. What happened to the days when I could manage my own affairs and everyone else's too? When did I become so vulnerable, fragile, and small? As much as I hate it, though, it is the draw in the first place. Somewhere far deeper than my egotistical self is willing to entertain, I need those things. I need to let go, drop the walls, be protected, guided, and nurtured. I hunger for the control over me. I thirst for the pain. I need those boundaries and absolutes like the air I breathe. I hate to admit those things. It is so insufferable to have to look at the stark reality of it, but it is me. This is who I am and those things are what I need to thrive. It is hard to come to terms with that. Still, I have to make my peace. My peace come through the love, the trust, and dichotomous freedom I find in my shackles.

Hugs darlin!

lovingpet

(in reply to allthatjaz)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/17/2009 8:08:10 AM

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Once again thank you lovingpet. You worded that so eloquently and I related to much of what you said.

Hugs

Maria

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Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to lovingpet)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/17/2009 7:06:53 PM

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From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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I had a thought, Maria, while I was walking about today. (Unconnected to your reply to me, I just saw that now.) I don't know if it has any application to your situation . . . . .

I find that my 'dominant' head-space is a safe one. I feel very secure when I'm in 'dom mode' . . . . . & when I'm in sub mode I feel very vulnerable . . . .

It may be that some of what you're feeling may be connected to vulnerability stuff that you're unearthing in your growth & relationship processes, & that there is some unconscious yearning to get into the safety of being in control . . . . .

Don't know if that has any applicability . . . . .

On any account, I'm confident that you'll work thru this. You strike me as a very competent human being . . . . .

(in reply to allthatjaz)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/17/2009 7:23:22 PM

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For me sometimes it never seems like I quite get it. My voice isnt low enough, my words arnt sweet enough. I dont know. I try to sound sweet or whathave you, but I guess it doesnt come across right sometimes. Trying to school my words into some semblance of demure is really fucking with me.

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RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/17/2009 7:28:56 PM

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Hmm, if anything, my general demeanor tends to be somewhat socially submissive, but I've been dominant in all of my relationships until my previous Dominant/boyfriend of 3 years, and my Master. With both of them, submission felt very effortless and natural - denying anything they wanted was what felt difficult and strange.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/17/2009 8:32:51 PM

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From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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I feel for you, Sunny. I get the sense that you're about as 'naturally demure' as I am, which is not a lot . . . . . You seem to me to be a spunky, outgoing, vibrant, bouncing extrovert . . . . . . & that's not very 'demure' . . . . . .

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

For me sometimes it never seems like I quite get it. My voice isnt low enough, my words arnt sweet enough. I dont know. I try to sound sweet or whathave you, but I guess it doesnt come across right sometimes. Trying to school my words into some semblance of demure is really fucking with me.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/17/2009 8:50:05 PM

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atj, SF, LP, I thank you for your open and honest appraisals, as there is one man who could do that to me, although he will never know it, as he is unavailable. But you make it seem possible, and that scares the hell out of me.

And I ain't skeered of nuthin.

manxy

_____________________________

The television, that insidious beast, that Medusa which freezes a
billion people to stone every night, staring fixedly,
that Siren which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little.
Ray Bradbury

(in reply to DemonKia)

RE: I'm a Dominant get me out of here - 9/18/2009 3:33:10 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

I had a thought, Maria, while I was walking about today. (Unconnected to your reply to me, I just saw that now.) I don't know if it has any application to your situation . . . . .

I find that my 'dominant' head-space is a safe one. I feel very secure when I'm in 'dom mode' . . . . . & when I'm in sub mode I feel very vulnerable . . . .

It may be that some of what you're feeling may be connected to vulnerability stuff that you're unearthing in your growth & relationship processes, & that there is some unconscious yearning to get into the safety of being in control . . . . .

Don't know if that has any applicability . . . . .

On any account, I'm confident that you'll work thru this. You strike me as a very competent human being . . . . .

Yep .... I can relate to all of that. Its strange that my man can put me into such an ultimately safe and guarded space and yet that very space can turn me on my head and end up having the reverse effect. It has to be something to do with dependency on another.

quote:

ORIGINAL Sunnyfey

For me sometimes it never seems like I quite get it. My voice isnt low enough, my words arnt sweet enough. I dont know. I try to sound sweet or whathave you, but I guess it doesnt come across right sometimes. Trying to school my words into some semblance of demure is really fucking with me.

I had to laugh at this because this is exactly how I feel. I want to go to that place but often feel like I'm faking it. The Demon turning into an angel can be a tough one at times!

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to DemonKia)

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