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As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/19/2009 1:49:49 PM

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My M and I have sat down and went over some rules he wants followed. The rules aren't anything new to what we have been doing all of these years, so I was a bit thrown off. I was quite prepared and even a tad bit excited that my life was going to be more governed and strict. When I brought up the things I had written down, he didn't really seem that interested in them. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we don't live alone, and he is afraid that life will interfere with the things I brought up. While that is the case at times, we still have plenty of time we are alone together.

Some of the things I have followed in the past and brought up to him included asking permission to leave the house, go the restroom, to answer him in a more formal way, to wear something that he wants me to whenever we are alone together. I am sure there were a few more, but those are the ones that come to mind as I type this.

What I am wondering is, if your sub/slave took it upon herself to do the above would it make you pleased or would you think she was overstepping her bounds? Are there any other little ways I can show him that I am there as his slave without being overly obvious when others are around? Any advice or ideas of any kind are welcome.

Thank you in advance.

_____________________________

~anne

This girl is a slave, but she is also a woman full of love, life, and who has a ton of interests.
Don't judge a book by it's name, judge it by it's content..

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RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/19/2009 2:29:32 PM

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quote:

What I am wondering is, if your sub/slave took it upon herself to do the above would it make you pleased or would you think she was overstepping her bounds? Are there any other little ways I can show him that I am there as his slave without being overly obvious when others are around? Any advice or ideas of any kind are welcome.

Ask him. Then you'll know.

(in reply to worthlesstrash)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/19/2009 2:33:04 PM

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I would hope that someone with whom I am partnered would know me well enough to be able to do things of service/pleasure for me without my telling them to do so on each point. I, however, expect a level of ability to function autonomously and without micromanagement that is different than some. I enjoy spunk, spirit, initiative, etc. regardless of the side of the kneel.
Davan

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RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/19/2009 2:44:21 PM

GoddessImaginos

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

I, however, expect a level of ability to function autonomously and without micromanagement that is different than some. I enjoy spunk, spirit, initiative, etc. regardless of the side of the kneel.
Davan

Me too, AMEN.

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RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/19/2009 3:08:40 PM

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That's really how I have always been. I go and do what needs to be done and take care of things, I am quite stubborn, and I have my own ideas on things..and I am a touch of control freak at times. I think I feel if I can control everything in my life, there won't be any surprises (bad ones), it's something I picked up from living a very uncontrolled childhood and young adulthood.

It was only after he brought up being more in control did that part of me come to the surface. I have had doms that wanted that much control, but he was never one of them. I don't think that I want to be micromanaged, I guess I just don't want him to ever doubt like he did before that I was still his slave. I hope that makes sense, sometimes things I say come out wrong on here.

_____________________________

~anne

This girl is a slave, but she is also a woman full of love, life, and who has a ton of interests.
Don't judge a book by it's name, judge it by it's content..

His since 10/06/2006
SLRN 166-164-858

(in reply to GoddessImaginos)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/19/2009 3:33:25 PM

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My girl gets around the 'problem' by not taking it upon herself to DO such things but rather to raise suggestions and ideas which I then decide upon whether I want her to implement it.

She knows I like her in skirts, but I oft allow her to wear jeans if We are going uptown or some such (I have her change when We get back). Sometimes she will come in with a skirt and ask if she could wear that instead... sometimes I let her, other times, especially if I know there is a chill breeze I'll tell her that she is to wear the jeans and leave the pretty skirt till We get back.

Etc.

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RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/19/2009 3:37:39 PM

mbes

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Why on earth would it bother him for you to wear what he likes? Or do you mean that you want him to pick your clothes? I can't see the first being a problem, but the second would get old really fast for my other half. When in doubt, I've learned to ask if he has a preference. Sometimes he cares down to details; other times he doesn't care at all and would be serving me by choosing my wardrobe.
Come to think of it, that method works well with all of your suggestions. I try to read his moods, and when in doubt I ask. He's gotten quicker to let me know when I'm asking him to do "for me" that which he doesn't want to do, and go pick out my own damn clothes!

or go about my business until he does want something.
Maybe you could try something along those lines?

(in reply to worthlesstrash)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/19/2009 6:20:15 PM

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If he hasn't given you a rule about initiative, you're ok. If he doesn't like what you're doing he'll tell you to stop. Ultimately it is his decision. But no, I don't think there is anything wrong with the idea. And as long as your intent is to make him happy he should understand.

As for things you can do that won't be obvious, it depends. How observant are the people you live with? There are things almost no one would notice, like never looking him directly in the eye. He'd notice if you pointed it out. Then there are things that might be noticed like kneeling rather than bending, posture, vocal shifts, etc. Last there are things people will notice, like calling him Master. Provided they can hear I guess. As a fallback you could always tell him you want more control, ask what more you can do.

(in reply to mbes)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/19/2009 10:21:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: worthlesstrash

My M and I have sat down and went over some rules he wants followed. The rules aren't anything new to what we have been doing all of these years, so I was a bit thrown off. I was quite prepared and even a tad bit excited that my life was going to be more governed and strict. When I brought up the things I had written down, he didn't really seem that interested in them. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we don't live alone, and he is afraid that life will interfere with the things I brought up. While that is the case at times, we still have plenty of time we are alone together.

Some of the things I have followed in the past and brought up to him included asking permission to leave the house, go the restroom, to answer him in a more formal way, to wear something that he wants me to whenever we are alone together. I am sure there were a few more, but those are the ones that come to mind as I type this.

What I am wondering is, if your sub/slave took it upon herself to do the above would it make you pleased or would you think she was overstepping her bounds? Are there any other little ways I can show him that I am there as his slave without being overly obvious when others are around? Any advice or ideas of any kind are welcome.

Thank you in advance.

I personally like the fact the sub/slave is attempting to be pro-active provided she is not doing something she has been specifically told not to do.

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
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(in reply to worthlesstrash)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/19/2009 10:29:29 PM

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If you are worried about showing him you are his slave by doing things for him that he has not asked for, then maybe that is your problem. What do you consider ways to show you are his slave? Obviously if he has made some rules, then following those should suffice. Perhaps you can ask him what HE would like to see as subtle signs of your slavery on an ongoing basis.

Fox knows I do not need him to demonstrate to me all the time that he is my slave. He knows his duties and responsibilities and his rules and he follows them. On special occasions he will ask me to pick clothes for him so I will enjoy his outfit, or he will wear something he knows I like. On average, though, we do not need reminders.

Serving proactively is a good thing, especially if he is concerned that your real life will get in the way of a more regimented arrangement. Do something you think he will enjoy, and then ask him if he liked it. Then, see if he would like you to continue doing it that way, and while it isnt a written in stone rule it is a ritual of sorts and that can be a start to ongoing shows of role.

DV

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RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/20/2009 5:23:28 AM

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Screams of insecurity and micromanagement

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RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/20/2009 6:26:23 AM

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Could it be that what you would really like is to feel more under his control? It sounds like that is what you are looking for with the rules review etc. Perhaps talk to him about that. It doesn't make you insecure, it may mean that you need a bit more tangible control than you are getting.

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Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul.
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(in reply to worthlesstrash)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/20/2009 6:26:43 AM

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The problem with you setting up the rules is that he then has to follow him. A good dominant doesn't make rules that he doesn't plan to enforce. Which means he has to pay attention to them, remember them, ask about how you're doing. So in effect you've just added more chores to his day.

Be glad he's laid back. Because although the micromanagement stuff is hot in the beginning, during the new training period, afterwards its just more work - for both of you.

Let him grow the rules organically. The more time you are together, the more stuff he'll find he doesn't quite like and will change. But one new rule a week is more than enough since you do need time to let it become a habit.

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RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/20/2009 6:46:11 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: worthlesstrash

My M and I have sat down and went over some rules he wants followed. The rules aren't anything new to what we have been doing all of these years, so I was a bit thrown off. I was quite prepared and even a tad bit excited that my life was going to be more governed and strict. When I brought up the things I had written down, he didn't really seem that interested in them. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we don't live alone, and he is afraid that life will interfere with the things I brought up. While that is the case at times, we still have plenty of time we are alone together.

From what I have bolded here I get the impression that you have a desire for new excitement, signals that he is interested in you and in keeping the relationship fresh. What was new and exciting a while back has become a routine, and even though the male is content (gets his needs met?), the female is not. The dilemma then becomes whether the female/slave is seen as 'nagging' for attention, etc. (as if a desire to keep the relationship fresh is something bad), or whether she is trying to get the male to do something she would like (I would go as far as to say that what you describe is a need - and how is it wrong to express one's needs?).

The question I have is: does he get all his needs met? And if so, how about yours? Is his focus on you as a partner, slave or not, or is it on the fear of discovery? (This last point could even be covering up for the fact that keeping a relationship fresh is 'hard' work - and with the territory of Master comes the responsibility to know what the slave thinks/needs/desires). Living with others (like teenage kids) is a challenge for any couple to find ways to be alone (and not heard). In an M/s dynamic I would expect the Master to value/desire that aloneness, and I would expect him to be creative in making that possible. To me, if a male does not want that, I would like to know why he doesn't.

Once rules become routine, and are less enforced (because the expectation is that those rules are obeyed) for me, this quickly becomes a one-way street. It is very hard for me to feel/be slavish when the other party is taking the back-seat, in that he expects obedience but shows no interest in me. Neglect is a quick way to kill the desire to obey. To me, neglect and being a Master do not go together. Or is it simply that males, on average, have different ideas about/ expectations from the relationship than females have?

quote:

Some of the things I have followed in the past and brought up to him included asking permission to leave the house, go the restroom, to answer him in a more formal way, to wear something that he wants me to whenever we are alone together. I am sure there were a few more, but those are the ones that come to mind as I type this.

What I am wondering is, if your sub/slave took it upon herself to do the above would it make you pleased or would you think she was overstepping her bounds? Are there any other little ways I can show him that I am there as his slave without being overly obvious when others are around? Any advice or ideas of any kind are welcome.

As soon as expressing one's needs/desires as slave is labelled as 'overstepping your bounds' I, for me, would say the relationship is on thin ice. It opens the door for starting to get adjusted to situations that are not healthy (even non-consensual), and that are very easily accepted by people with a submissive nature because 'obeying' and going against how those situations make them feel 'proves' they are good slaves/submissives. Even your desire for more strictness and being governed can be a risky thing in the hands of someone who is out for his pleasure only (I don't say that your Master is). It's good you question your feelings about all this. In the end, you are responsible for expressing to him how your experiences makes you think/feel.

As much as it is your desire to please him, it has to be his desire to make this a fulfilling, happy relationship for you.

< Message edited by happylittlepet -- 9/20/2009 6:48:51 AM >

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There is no need for temples,
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My philosophy is kindness (DL)

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(in reply to worthlesstrash)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/20/2009 11:46:39 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSage44

Screams of insecurity and micromanagement

Well thank you MasterSage for such an intelligent and thought provoking post.
Perhaps you should be aware that this is a two way thing and its something both parties have to work at.
This is not a playmate she is talking about, this is a relationship.

To the Op..... like someone else here said, pro active submission is very attractive because its the only good means of communication.
You sound like you really care about your Dom and it sounds like you need just a little bit more structure than perhaps what's happening at the moment. I think its crucial that you are both getting out of this what you need.
I would hate to think of my sub being dissatisfied or frustrated because she needed more control but not saying anything to me and letting me go blindly on thinking everything was ok.

All the best
Maria

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(in reply to MasterSage44)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/20/2009 9:38:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mbes

Why on earth would it bother him for you to wear what he likes? Or do you mean that you want him to pick your clothes? I can't see the first being a problem, but the second would get old really fast for my other half. When in doubt, I've learned to ask if he has a preference. Sometimes he cares down to details; other times he doesn't care at all and would be serving me by choosing my wardrobe.
Come to think of it, that method works well with all of your suggestions. I try to read his moods, and when in doubt I ask. He's gotten quicker to let me know when I'm asking him to do "for me" that which he doesn't want to do, and go pick out my own damn clothes! or go about my business until he does want something.
Maybe you could try something along those lines?

I would say that what I am thinking will come about is about what you wrote. I think for the most part he won't want to mess with picking my clothes out, and I will just do as I would normally. I was thinking more along the line of what you mentioned, which is him telling me if there is something he would prefer I wear. I think what it is for me is that I feel like I will turn him on or please him if he picks it out...I would already know ahead of time it's something he enjoys me in. I am pretty normal in that I like to feel sexy for the person I love.

thanks for your response!

< Message edited by worthlesstrash -- 9/20/2009 9:42:32 PM >

_____________________________

~anne

This girl is a slave, but she is also a woman full of love, life, and who has a ton of interests.
Don't judge a book by it's name, judge it by it's content..

His since 10/06/2006
SLRN 166-164-858

(in reply to mbes)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/20/2009 9:42:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cagliostro

If he hasn't given you a rule about initiative, you're ok. If he doesn't like what you're doing he'll tell you to stop. Ultimately it is his decision. But no, I don't think there is anything wrong with the idea. And as long as your intent is to make him happy he should understand.

As for things you can do that won't be obvious, it depends. How observant are the people you live with? There are things almost no one would notice, like never looking him directly in the eye. He'd notice if you pointed it out. Then there are things that might be noticed like kneeling rather than bending, posture, vocal shifts, etc. Last there are things people will notice, like calling him Master. Provided they can hear I guess. As a fallback you could always tell him you want more control, ask what more you can do.

We talked about this today and I think we have it figured out. The times that we are alone, I will know what I should do in order to fit into his rules. I am an adult, so it's not too hard for me to know the appropriate times that we can participate without letting onto others and such.

I agree with just telling him I want more control taken, we have been talking about this all weekend. I think we are finally on the same page. The only thing is that I kept something from our original contract that's a limit for me and that's adding someone in, or sharing me with others. I don't think he was thrilled about that, but when I told him I was totally his for anything he wanted otherwise, I hope it helped a bit.

Thanks for the response. :)

_____________________________

~anne

This girl is a slave, but she is also a woman full of love, life, and who has a ton of interests.
Don't judge a book by it's name, judge it by it's content..

His since 10/06/2006
SLRN 166-164-858

(in reply to cagliostro)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/20/2009 9:43:59 PM

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Joined: 9/28/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

quote:

ORIGINAL: worthlesstrash

My M and I have sat down and went over some rules he wants followed. The rules aren't anything new to what we have been doing all of these years, so I was a bit thrown off. I was quite prepared and even a tad bit excited that my life was going to be more governed and strict. When I brought up the things I had written down, he didn't really seem that interested in them. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we don't live alone, and he is afraid that life will interfere with the things I brought up. While that is the case at times, we still have plenty of time we are alone together.

Some of the things I have followed in the past and brought up to him included asking permission to leave the house, go the restroom, to answer him in a more formal way, to wear something that he wants me to whenever we are alone together. I am sure there were a few more, but those are the ones that come to mind as I type this.

What I am wondering is, if your sub/slave took it upon herself to do the above would it make you pleased or would you think she was overstepping her bounds? Are there any other little ways I can show him that I am there as his slave without being overly obvious when others are around? Any advice or ideas of any kind are welcome.

Thank you in advance.

I personally like the fact the sub/slave is attempting to be pro-active provided she is not doing something she has been specifically told not to do.

I suspect he is a lot like you in that. I can't imagine it displeasing a dom for his sub/slave to do more than he asks in order to make his life better, or to bring him pleasure.

thank you for your response :)

_____________________________

~anne

This girl is a slave, but she is also a woman full of love, life, and who has a ton of interests.
Don't judge a book by it's name, judge it by it's content..

His since 10/06/2006
SLRN 166-164-858

(in reply to Acer49)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/20/2009 9:47:45 PM

Posts: 114
Joined: 9/28/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VampiresLair

If you are worried about showing him you are his slave by doing things for him that he has not asked for, then maybe that is your problem. What do you consider ways to show you are his slave? Obviously if he has made some rules, then following those should suffice. Perhaps you can ask him what HE would like to see as subtle signs of your slavery on an ongoing basis.

Fox knows I do not need him to demonstrate to me all the time that he is my slave. He knows his duties and responsibilities and his rules and he follows them. On special occasions he will ask me to pick clothes for him so I will enjoy his outfit, or he will wear something he knows I like. On average, though, we do not need reminders.

Serving proactively is a good thing, especially if he is concerned that your real life will get in the way of a more regimented arrangement. Do something you think he will enjoy, and then ask him if he liked it. Then, see if he would like you to continue doing it that way, and while it isnt a written in stone rule it is a ritual of sorts and that can be a start to ongoing shows of role.

DV

I think my concern is that if I am not proactive in this, he will somehow think I am pulling away from it and I don't consider myself his slave anymore. I get wrapped up in college, bills..etc..all of those wonderful things that are part of this life and I am not always in my slave mode. Like I have said, I know I have a strong control streak in me, but that's mostly because it gives me comfort to know things are taken care of.

I think perhaps he feels I am not giving over authority to him because I usually take care of everything, but that's just natural for me. I am sort of fighting against myself in some ways by giving over totally. I think this is something that will eventually be good for me, it's just learning to let go.

thanks for the response :)

_____________________________

~anne

This girl is a slave, but she is also a woman full of love, life, and who has a ton of interests.
Don't judge a book by it's name, judge it by it's content..

His since 10/06/2006
SLRN 166-164-858

(in reply to VampiresLair)

RE: As a Dom/Master would it bother you if... - 9/20/2009 9:52:50 PM

Posts: 114
Joined: 9/28/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Roselaure

Could it be that what you would really like is to feel more under his control? It sounds like that is what you are looking for with the rules review etc. Perhaps talk to him about that. It doesn't make you insecure, it may mean that you need a bit more tangible control than you are getting.

I think you are probably right. I think there might be some sort of freedom in giving it all over. It's unbelievable how much I stress myself out over details and in worrying about things. I am sure I will still have those to a point, but I am hoping by him being more involved in them it will take some off of my shoulders. He wants to control all of the bills, but I admit that's not something I am comfortable with. It's not because he can't do it, it's because for some reason I feel the need to be involved in that in order to have peace of mind. We talked about my issues with that, and what has changed is I will sit and talk to him every week about what's due and what is coming in and going out. We will discuss how it's being spent and things of that nature. I believe that's a great compromise for us, I can still have the bit of stability I need, and he can control how it's spent.

thank you for your response :)

_____________________________

~anne

This girl is a slave, but she is also a woman full of love, life, and who has a ton of interests.
Don't judge a book by it's name, judge it by it's content..

His since 10/06/2006
SLRN 166-164-858

(in reply to Roselaure)

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