What to do?

What to do? (Full Version)

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zephyrkajira -> What to do? (9/20/2009 6:22:35 AM)
Greetings All... Two years or so ago zephyr buried her BDSM desires (for lack of a better word) after encountering a man who claimed to be a sadist but who turned out to be a sociopath...no exaggeration. Since then zephyr has embraced the world of Gor and that hasn't changed Gor and (someday) being a Gorean man's slave suits her but today her BDSM side has been awakened and to be honest those feelings scare her. More to the point she is afraid that the memories of all that happened with the sociopath will be awakened if she "plays" again, at the same time she knows that denying them is foolish as they will not stay that way for long. What she is having trouble with is what to do with those feelings, how to deal with them. zephyr now has a relationship (uncollared) with Master Malkinius, a Gorean man....and she's happy. she hasn't felt anything is missing...until now. she sort of misses the play. she is so confused and could use any advice those of you in CMland could give her. she wishes all well.... zephyr Edited to remove word that had no business being there

DarkSteven -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 6:25:10 AM)
A lot depends on the relationship between you and Master Malkinius. Is he willing to do BDSM with you, or willing to allow you to do it with another?

sirsholly -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 6:29:40 AM)
(((((hug))))) It sounds to me like what you are afraid of is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and it is very normal. My suggestion is to talk to your Master, but do not act on your desires yet. Then, talk again. Allow him to assure you that nothing bad will happen to you. If he cannot offer you that assurance, or if you cannot get past your own fear, do not act. If the relationship is a good one, eventually you will achieve the level of comfort and trust needed to take you where you want to go without the nightmare of the past returning to haunt you.

RavenMuse -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 8:25:37 AM)
It might sound trite but it is the absolute basis of how to get past this.... take it to your Master. I have helped girls past similar things, indeed My current girl was left with a terror of singletails from the last fucktard she was involved with... it has taken two years but now We can play lightly with singletails again and slowly as time goes on she is getting over it.... how? she may not trust the toy, she may fear the toy BUT she trusts Me, she focuses on Me and knows I will guide her through safely to the otherside. Each time I do so lessens that fear and lets Us go a little further next time. Not in leaps and bounds but tiny step by tiny step. No toy can do ANYTHING on its own, if you trust the hand it is held in then the toy looses its power over you.... power that is an illusion because all it is is the shadow of the past.

lovingpet -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 8:49:16 AM)
Much agreed RavenMuse I would like clarification on one point from the OP, however. Is your master not into the BDSM side of things? That gets to be a sticking point, so I want to understand. Still at the end of the day, you have to either trust your master or not. I know I had a similiar incident occur a few months ago when my partner's desire for something hit squarely in an area of near phobia for me due to past issues. The only thing that got me through was his thorough knowledge of me and the issue, his patience, support, and his ability to firmly push me despite it all. I knew I could trust him and had to lay all my fear upon that foundation and hope it was strong enough to hold up such a great weight. It brought us closer. Give it to him. Trust him. Let him show you one more time why it is he you have come to serve. lovingpet

porcelaine -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 9:57:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: zephyrkajira Two years or so ago zephyr buried her BDSM desires (for lack of a better word) after encountering a man who claimed to be a sadist but who turned out to be a sociopath... two years have passed since this occurred. what did you do during that time to address this, if anything? denial never works long term and eventually we're forced to confront what was buried. i'm going to assume you made your current partner aware of your previous experiences and the impact it had on you emotionally. learning to trust is frightening but i'd gather if you were unwilling you wouldn't be engaging in a power exchange once again. so there's a positive. while i think the fears associated with your reawakening are to be expected in some degree. the level and severity of them is largely dependent on how much work you did to address this issue during your down time. if you sincerely faced it head on and reclaimed the power that you'd given away, a lot of the weirdness would dissipate rather quickly. simply because your strength of will and desire to move forward exceeds the scars from the past. without going into the differences between to two paths. i suppose the bigger question is whether you've chosen a route that is fulfilling and offers another possibility at happiness, or one that comes close to but won't make you feel vulnerable in the manner you've felt before. which is a nice way of saying are you taking the safe road or the one that is true to your heart? only you can answer this. but be honest when you do. good luck. porcelaine

AnimusRex -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 10:13:20 AM)
Zephyr- Holly pegged it correctly that you seem to have some sort of PTSD; The only advice that makes any sense here is two-fold: 1. Talk to Malkinius; 2. Get professional help. We all mean well here, but seriously, we aren't shrinks, and the clucking tongues of a bunch of friendly strangers isn't going to fix what is broken inside you. Good luck.

zephyrkajira -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 1:02:42 PM)
~FR~ Greetings All, Steven, yes Master Malkinius is willing to BDSM with zephyr. In fact last night after zephyr sent this posting to him for approval (he approves all zephyr's posts on CM), he asked her if she would feel safer getting back into it with him. While Master is most assuredly Gorean he is BDSM-curious and in fact owns the most gorgeous flogger zephyr has ever seen grins. Hols, thanks for the much needed hugs. Yes there is no question of zephyr being concerned that post traumatic stress might rear it's ugly head, there has already been an incident when zephyr flashed back to some of the abuse she suffered at the hands of that sociopath, which took us both by surprise as zephyr had thought she was past it. Master Malkinius handled it beautifully and we are going to be working on getting zephyr past it. He really is an awesome man, zephyr already trusts him fully and completely. There really is no rush it's just that all this has taken zephyr by surprise, she had thought that part of her life was dead and buried and obviously it isn't. Master Ravenmuse, zephyr has already taken it to him, she is hoping that there might be people for whom long buried BDSM desires have reawakened but who are afraid to revisit it. she trusts Master Malkinius and if it comes to reexploring BDSM play zephyr knows that he will be patient with her. There is no question that it will be him zephyr plays with if it comes to that. she has already discussed this with him to a certain extent. zephyr knows that Master Malkinius has the patience to help zephyr with any fear that might crop up. It isn't a question of being afraid of one particular toy, zephyr wishes it were as it would be easier to deal with. Rather zephyr is afraid that if she plays again, memories of the abuse will resurface. lovingpet, no neither of us is BDSM we are both Gorean. However he is (as zephyr said to Master Ravenmuse) more than willing to explore it with zephyr and if she goes back to playing it will be with him. porcelaine, as usual you have hit the proverbial nail on the head. At the time zephyr did nothing to address the trauma caused by the relationship she had with the sociopath. Yes Master Malkinius is very much aware of that past relationship and the impact it has had on zephyr. The past has not been an issue in the past but now that it is zephyr and Master Malkinius are dealing with it together and she realises that it will need to be dealt with. As to whether zephyr chose her new path as slave to a Gorean man out of taking the safe road or because it is fulfilling, zephyr believes she chose it for the latter reason but to be honest she now wonders. This is one of the things zephyr needs to take a good long look at. What zephyr does know is that she is happier with Master Malkinius than she has ever been in any other D/s relationship she has ever been in. she absolutely adores him and trusts him absolutely without reservation. zephyr wishes to thank all who have responded to her thread. You have all given her much to think about. Please note that it may take a while for zephyr to post, Master Malkinius approves all of zephyr's postings on CM. she wishes all well.... zephyr

RavenMuse -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 2:21:06 PM)
The example I used was regarding one kind of toy because that is something I've been working on for the last two years... the issue with you is the same, just a different scale. The way around it is the same, use your trust in Him to help you past the fear and if shadows do emerge remember they are only shadows of the past... your Master is the reality of NOW!

DesFIP -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 3:51:23 PM)
You went from one extreme to the other. Lots of bdsm to zero. Of course after time it is natural to want some more. Instead you tried to convince yourself you didn't like this as opposed to not liking the man who did it to you. He isn't going to change. He told you what he was into when you met. About all you can do now is tell him that you've got this unscratched itch and see what he says. But if he continues to say no way, then what will you do? Think about it ahead of time instead of reacting like you did last time.

LadyPact -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 6:00:56 PM)
I haven't been spending much time on the boards lately. Generally, I pop on, take a look at the threads that I've already been participating in, and pop back off. When I did that this morning zephyr, I saw one of the comments that you made on a rather popular thread that was moved to the off topic board. (Why that happened is another matter, but this thread isn't the place for that.) After reading it, I had a feeling that you would be starting this one. I want you to know that I could tell that you were feeling a bit sad over this topic. It can be difficult to take the steps that you'll have to walk in learning to trust someone again in playing. As RavenMuse said, it is about taking things a little at a time for some folks. Gradually building that trust back up with just little increases at a time. Some folks need to start back up by playing on the softer side until that confidence comes back. It can be a process, but it absolutely can be done. Unless I'm mistaken, Malkinius doesn't have a whole lot of S/m topping experience. (Please correct Me if I'm wrong.) In this case, that could actually be an asset. The reason that I'm saying so is that as he's learning, he'll be going slow and being very careful with what he's doing. That could be the perfect speed for you as you're rebuilding as a bottom after your bad experiences. Also, watching him learn and grow, seeing those moments where he is showing concern that he won't harm you, is only going to add to the trust building that you are going to have to do on your end. It should keep the two of you very much in tune with the pace that the other is going. Of course, I'm going to recommend that you do a lot of communicating with each other. It will be good for both of you. In My opinion, you will be helped along by expressing your concerns before playing, seeing the play through, and then talking about it again afterward. On his end, he'll be able to talk to you about how he feels his skills are progressing, get your feedback on different toys and techniques, and express his own concerns and questions. All of these things have the potential to help the trust build. I'd like to wish the both of you the best of luck.

Kalista07 -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 9:35:16 PM)
Zephyr, i can relate to your thread and your question a great deal...Aren't sociopaths just wonderful? They are better than the most corrosive diseases...At least for the majority of them you either treatment them, exterminate them, die, kill off the cells or somehow terminate the existance of something.....But the reality is when you come into contact with a sociopath you are left with the damage that their contact caused for a long time afterward...... For a variety of reasons (the biggest one being: loving and supportive friends) i did not overtly shut down my BDSM desires...But, please do not think that put me a whole lot further on my journey than you are on yours.... Because of the trauma i endured and because of the situation i put myself in; there are many many things that i used to love and enjoy that i can not bring myself to participate in today... Sadly, not all of them are even bdsm related...Some of them are just sexual in orientation, or just human in nature.... The harsh reality for me is it's taken a few key things to allow me to heal and grow past those fears and traumas: trust (not just in him...but in myself as well), communication (all the time...about everything...whether i want to or not..whether i feel like it or not...), honesty (about the things i want to tell him...about the things i don't want to tell him..about the things i think are too stupid to tell him..about the things i think i should be over...about the things i think i should just suck it up)... The other reality is He is a wonderful trustworthy, honest, open, and humble man...Who has no problem admitting that he's human and fallable. So, he asks me if there are things he can do to help me... He asks me if there are things he could have done to make something easier on me... When i look back to where i was two years ago when we met to now... i have truly come a long way...And i am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that if i can do it...So can you... Kali

Malkinius -> RE: What to do? (9/20/2009 10:33:22 PM)
Greetings LadyPact..... You are right. I don't have much of any experience doing S&m or topping in the BDSM sense. I do have a decade's worth of learning and experience in the training of slaves. That has brought me into contact with the whole range of BDSM activities. I think for someone who has not been part of that culture of done most of those things, I probably know more about them than most. Unlike many, I don't see the training of a slave as involving how much pain they can take. In the training I do, I use pain for punishment. Period. It is not for play. Yes, I do know that not all S&m is painful or very painful. Some is purely psychological. Much of it can be both. I hesitate to "play" with a slave I own because it could produce consequences in the training that I can not currently anticipate. I know some, but at this point I can't know as much as I would like. My preparation and care with what will happen with zephyr as she explores her reactions to some things is for both our benefits and safety. DBS Rules apply here more strongly than they usually do. You might be surprised at the communications we do have. <grins> But then again...you, unlike others, might not. I have read a lot of your posts on here and as I have said before, it seems we agree on a lot of points. Be well.... Malkinius

LadyPact -> RE: What to do? (9/21/2009 8:33:19 AM)
Good Morning Malkinius, What you've said in the about only encourages Me further about your position. You have a great advantage over many who may be considering incorporating S/m to the dynamic for the first time. You have the potential of putting all of that learning into practice in physical form. That's a better head start than most people have. The fact that you can't anticipate how it's going to effect things is also to your advantage. It's only going to serve to make you more cautious and in this situation, that's a very good thing. It's going to make you even more conscientious, more careful, and more inquisitive about her reactions. With this situation, those are assets that you definitely want to have. Again, I see this as completely positive. I understand that prior to this, there hasn't been "play" in the situations that you've had before. It seems to Me that you now have a girl who may enjoy that in addition to what you already have. I have no doubt in the quality of your communications, but as you explore this (if that is your choice) they are only going to get better. They will just as a result of helping her get past her bad experiences as she moves forward from them. I'm a pretty blunt person, so let Me shoot this straight from the hip. I barely know your girl from the boards here, but in the things she's written, I can definitely hear what she is saying. I'm betting that with the connection that the two of you have, you can hear her pretty loud and clear, too. Being her Master, of course, the decision is yours, but it is something that she wants. Even if it might be difficult, even with the challenges involved, she wants it. And the thing that I hear most of all is that she wants it with you. I honestly believe that you can be the man who gets her past the bad experiences that she had and allow her to enjoy playing again. I can hear how she misses it and hopes you'll lead her on the path back to having that place inside her fulfilled that is empty without it. You have a great opportunity in front of you, Malkinius. All you have to do is seize it. You and your girl are welcome to message Me any time.

SaharahEve -> RE: What to do? (9/21/2009 8:44:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: zephyrkajira Greetings All... Two years or so ago zephyr buried her BDSM desires (for lack of a better word) after encountering a man who claimed to be a sadist but who turned out to be a sociopath...no exaggeration. Since then zephyr has embraced the world of Gor and that hasn't changed Gor and (someday) being a Gorean man's slave suits her but today her BDSM side has been awakened and to be honest those feelings scare her. More to the point she is afraid that the memories of all that happened with the sociopath will be awakened if she "plays" again, at the same time she knows that denying them is foolish as they will not stay that way for long. What she is having trouble with is what to do with those feelings, how to deal with them. zephyr now has a relationship (uncollared) with Master Malkinius, a Gorean man....and she's happy. she hasn't felt anything is missing...until now. she sort of misses the play. she is so confused and could use any advice those of you in CMland could give her. she wishes all well.... zephyr Edited to remove word that had no business being there Be kind to yourself. Make personal happiness your goal- you deserve it. Have high expectations for those you let into your life. Get rid of anyone who does not better your life physically or emotionally.

Acer49 -> RE: What to do? (9/21/2009 11:06:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: zephyrkajira Greetings All... Two years or so ago zephyr buried her BDSM desires (for lack of a better word) after encountering a man who claimed to be a sadist but who turned out to be a sociopath...no exaggeration. Since then zephyr has embraced the world of Gor and that hasn't changed Gor and (someday) being a Gorean man's slave suits her but today her BDSM side has been awakened and to be honest those feelings scare her. More to the point she is afraid that the memories of all that happened with the sociopath will be awakened if she "plays" again, at the same time she knows that denying them is foolish as they will not stay that way for long. What she is having trouble with is what to do with those feelings, how to deal with them. zephyr now has a relationship (uncollared) with Master Malkinius, a Gorean man....and she's happy. she hasn't felt anything is missing...until now. she sort of misses the play. she is so confused and could use any advice those of you in CMland could give her. she wishes all well.... zephyr Edited to remove word that had no business being there You need to seek professional help before you go any farther in this relationship

sirsholly -> RE: What to do? (9/21/2009 1:50:45 PM)
quote: Yes there is no question of zephyr being concerned that post traumatic stress might rear it's ugly head, there has already been an incident when zephyr flashed back to some of the abuse she suffered at the hands of that sociopath, which took us both by surprise as zephyr had thought she was past it. just an FYI...there is no cure for PTSD. What you can do is develop coping skills for when it reoccurs. There can also be no obvious trigger for a flashback.

zephyrkajira -> RE: What to do? (9/21/2009 1:54:48 PM)
Greetings All, Master Ravenmuse, as usual you are the voice of reason. Thank you so much for your advice, of course you are right, zephyr needs to focus on Master Malkinius and let him help her to overcome her nervousness with regards to BDSM play. Des....please correct zephyr if she is wrong but if you are talking about the sociopath, that ended two years ago. Furthermore, he wasn't at all a Dom in any shape or form he was a pure sociopath using BDSM to find submissive women. Everything he did was designed to hurt and destroy, both physically and mentally. If you are talking about Master Malkinius, zephyr did go into our relationship with eyes wide open. When we met zephyr had already left the BDSM side of her behind...or so she thought. zephyr would appreciate it if you could clarify your message, she is more than a little confused. LadyP and Kali, zephyr will be responding to you both, but she needs time to think out your posts. she is grateful to you both for responding. she wishes all well.... zephyr

RavenMuse -> RE: What to do? (9/21/2009 2:04:58 PM)
Good girl. Just remember that the nerves and even fear being there isn't you failing Him.... if you didn't take it to Him, if you tried to hide it and cope with it alone in the misguided thought that you where saving Him work and effort, then you would be failing Him. He has expressed a willingness to work with His girl on this issue, you need to ensure He has every last piece of information at hand to work with. Total emotional transparency is hard work, but good though He maybe He is not a mind reader and needs His girl to work with Him all the way. I don't know your Master personally but I have seen much of what He has written here on CM, He has a good head on His shoulders and I have no doubts about Him approaching this as slowly, patiently and carefully as He needs to in order to get His girl through this. Good luck to you Both.

MsFlutter -> RE: What to do? (9/21/2009 4:58:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse ...my current girl was left with a terror of singletails from the last fucktard she was involved with... RM.. because we like you, I'll risk pointing out that 'the last fucktard' would suggest that you are her current fucktard. I'm pretty sure the others will agree you certainly arent one of those :) [sm=cute.gif] (just sayin' ....)

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