quote:

ORIGINAL: housemouseinoz

Thank you for that reply, that's it exactly, detachment now just to teach myself the things you have taught yourself, tranquillity, I can achieve when I'm in an uncomfortable situation by detaching myself. Now to teach myself to live in the moment and as you say, not moments ahead :-) So well put.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

This is just the truth for me....It does not mean anyone else has to believe it, has to buy into it, has to agree to it, or anything else... It works for me, i'm able to live comfortably in my own skin...i'm able to sleep at night...
In my life...Expectations generally equates to premeditated resentments.... Having said that however, i have also come to the conclusion that it's very important for me to keep my expectations (like everything else in my life) in balance... If my expectations are too high i'm going to be sadly and drastically disappointed (and end up resentful), which essentially i set the stage for....However on the other end of the spectrum is if i set my expectations too low...my experience with this is i end up accepting unacceptable behavior...
Furthermore, regarding all that crap about you not being a true or good sub/slave or whatever else... It would really be in your best interest to just set that stuff aside...i can not tell you how long i allowed that stuff to keep me paralyzed... i continued to be so paralyzed by the fear of not being perfect and all that other stuff of what people would say and think.....And in the end, it finally occured to me that none of it mattered...What really mattered was what the man who's eyes i looked into thought of me....
Kali

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

Yes. For years I was my own worst critic. It took me almost 40 years to be my own best advocate.

It really is all about changing how you think about you. You are what you think. You can still hold yourself to exacting standards.But you need to work on changing that inner mind tape from "woe is me, I did not achieve my goal" to "good for me, look at what high goals I aspire to."

It takes time, but make it a goal to aspire to.

Best of luck.

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ORIGINAL: Lockit

Expectations and projections are something that happen a lot. Some of it is welcome and some not and I am sure that depends on who is involved. This is something I address right away in a relationship for many reasons and continue to address it as needed. Whether the expectations come from within or from a former dominant or partner in life and from life experiences, doesn't matter, it has to be addressed for the comfort and well being of the individual and the relationship.

From the emotional to the physical, I've found that expectations can become a huge problem if allowed to continue. It isn't something you can just say... don't do that. You have to get into why you are doing it, why it is happening and that takes both focusing on it all in a supportive and loving manner and if any correction is needed, I will personally do it in a supportive fashion, but sometimes you have to make an impression and be a bit more firm.

I've seen this manifest in ways that many would call topping. To me a lot of it has to do with wounds or trust issues... whether the trust be a personal thing or for the partner. I see it as a way to really get fine tuned to one another, know one another well and brings out a lot of wonderful things if both are willing and able to work through it all.

There are good expectations and I would never want to change those... but some are just whittling down a person or a relationship and it is really sad when they can't be worked out because it will lead to it continuing in future relationships in ways that may be more severe or harmful.

quote:

ORIGINAL: housemouseinoz

I am about to be taught a valuable lesson on expectations. For the past 2 months I feel I have been spiralling out of control, and little by little I have taken back my submission and control. Is that gasps of horror I hear?

As insane as this will sound, I probably didn't realise I was/had done it, until my Sir put it to me the other night, He asked that I write an essay of sorts, as to why I had done it, and what the trigger was. He also said he knows he allowed me to take both back, but I wasn't able to answer that part. Although he did give me the answer tonight, for the curious few, he allowed it, as he felt if he didn't then I was going to do the flight thing and run, instead of face things.

I've been feeling he has been unhappy with me, and that no matter what I did, it was wrong, so I got to the point of, 'shit why bother at all', if I do, it's wrong if I don't, it's wrong.

He did the penny for your thoughts tonight, so I gave him half a dozen instances where I felt this has happened. Damn, he had the answer :-) he didn't actually ever ask me to do any of the things I'd been trying to do, and be perfect while I did them. I strive for perfection, that's unrealistic, I know that, but I do it anyway. So I've been blaming him, for an expectation I put on myself, and when I failed, I blamed him.........sigh. Almost like setting tasks for myself, and blaming Him when I didn't achieve what I wanted.

He has said for the next week, he is giving me my freedom, I can wear what I want, go where I want, do what I want. It is a lesson, and He has put it in place, cause without doubt I'll repeat my behaviour of trying to be perfect, but this time I won't be able to blame him.

I was concerned when posting this, that I may get told I'm not a true or good sub, I think I'll be ok if that happens :-) for at the end of the day, I'm human, turns out a human with flaws!!! As He said to me, He is ok giving me my freedom, as he knows, He could still command me, and I would do it.

We have some work ahead of us I know, but it's nice to know that with His help we have now identified the Why, How and Where I started to pull back.

Anyone else ever done anything similar? Thanks for reading.