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The Vortex of help - 10/26/2009 12:03:45 AM

Termyn8or

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Dana came to me via Rick, her olman. Time came they needed a place to stay, so after all my hemming and hawing about why you never do that, I did it anyway. Overall the experience has not been all that bad. They try to cost me as little as possible and be as helpful as possible. I can "live" with that.

I've known Rick awhile, but not Dana, we are talking less than a year here. He is responsible for her, but that might have to change. The thing is of late Dana and I have had some discussions. Now in life, I know nothing is perfect so I will give a glimpse once in a while about that I am kinky. She may have not been around before, but she is now. I am not completely open about it but I am not super hush hush either.

Now Dana and I are starting to really talk and up comes her past. Talk about a ton of bricks ! Even if half of what she says is true, I feel lucky to have a half assed upbringing I had. I don't normally admit to being emotionally moved, but when she said "I have never felt like family until I came here", it was something to me.

I let her talk. As she talked I thought hmmm, I know people who would love that, but this was different. She was molested at age two. She has been used as a sex slave by her own family. She has been a type of life I wouldn't want my worst enemy to live.

As I said she came to me via Rick. Known Rick for a few years, we have a goodly amount of mutual respect. Rick used to be a Master thief and just did twenty years just before I met him. And he did that for severely injuring someone who he was robbing at the time. So now in his forties he doesn't want that life anymore. Well the way I see it his strength helped her to get out of there, and lately I saw a few things and got certain responses that indicate that things are moving forwrd.

Where I come from it's not corn bread and chicken. I have a level of respect from people like this that has never been attained by a non-ex-felon. You see though, the difference is that they got caught. She tells me that she could go out on the street for about five hours and come back with maybe nine hundred bucks. My response was "You are chosen family, and we don't do the". She crumbled like a cracker over a bowl of chili. She told me she loves me, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER OLMAN ! He said nothing. The way he helped her was to get her the fuck out of where she was, to show her strength.

As she unfolded that bad part of life to me at my kitchen table, it moved me. And whether this is rantish, or rhetorical in nature, I have something to say.

I you had a decent upbringing, a childhood that doesn't give you mightmares (yes she has them too, but alot less now), a stable environment, I mean not in a stable, be grateful. Be very grateful to your Parents for keeping shit straight. This is no joke. There but for the grace of "God" go I, or you, or you or you.

Any one of us could have been born into that environment. Think about it.

And please don't anyone tell me to take her to a shrink.

T

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RE: The Vortex of help - 10/26/2009 8:33:36 AM

DesFIP

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Yes, hearing a story like that makes you profoundly grateful to have had a decent upbringing.
My oldest is in college, studying psychology. This semester she has a course in parenting. I've gotten phone calls thanking me for doing what to me is essential, but she's now comparing it to some of the stuff they're learning about, and some of her friends' background.

I am not recommending a psychiatrist unless she has daytime flashbacks and also drives a car. Because that makes her a danger to herself and everyone else on the road. For that she would need medication. But I do suggest she find a group therapist who runs a survivor support group. Because she needs to know she isn't alone, and the experience of sitting in a group of people who have suffered just like you is empowering in a way that she cannot get anywhere else.

That's why today there are support groups for cancer patients. Because studies show that people in a support group have higher survival rates than those who aren't in one. She needs a support group of other women who have had her same experience.

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RE: The Vortex of help - 10/26/2009 9:07:06 AM

pyroaquatic

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I find that mutual relationships with people that inspire goodness (and good intent) tend to create that infamous snow ball effect... domino effect.

I am glad to hear of this change for the better.

My childhood was filled with confusion and anguish. I am not the only one. What matters is how you want to be/how you view yourself AFTER all of this negativity subsides.

Council helps, Termyn8or. DesFIP has some excellent points.

:D

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As your desire is, so is your will.
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RE: The Vortex of help - 10/26/2009 10:13:15 AM

Missokyst

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I hope you realize that by listening you were effectively doing what a therapist does, although without the follow through. And that many people who unburden their life in therapy often "fall in love" with the one that listens.

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RE: The Vortex of help - 10/26/2009 12:40:28 PM

cjan

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OP, Dude, you rock.

Carefull, now.

< Message edited by cjan -- 10/26/2009 12:41:07 PM >

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RE: The Vortex of help - 10/26/2009 12:50:18 PM

pahunkboy

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ahhh- proceed with caution.

You dont want to be -- accused of or enter a   love triangle.

When do they leave? What is the plan?    If they have 6 weeks- then mark the calendar.

They are not living with you forever.   There is an end date.   So that should be figured out now.

I am sure she had a hard life- as many did. However- don't let the catastrophe become YOUR catastrophe.

If the plan is for them to crash there 3 months then mark the end day on the calendar.

The trouble with taking someone in - is that it is very hard to not be the bad guy later.

In the meantime- keep your pants on.   You don't need to be burnt on any accusation of banging the gal.

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RE: The Vortex of help - 10/26/2009 1:41:48 PM

Termyn8or

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FR

Des, she does not drive. So your kid is in psych ? Great. We need more competence in that field. And actually I mentioned this to my Mother on the phone earlier today. Getting her in with other who havre had similar experience would probably be a good thing, but they would probably wind up here. She goes to NA with her sister, hopefully she gets something out of that. In fact she was fucking with Rick's head saying she wants him to head up a meeting. She does not currently have a substance problem, in fact she doesn't even smoke weed. She goes to support her sister. I offered to go, how this came about is that the normal "leader" of the meeting is unavailable for some reason. I ponder just what I could accomplish there, because I used to do all that shit. The only reason I am OK now is that I am not addictable. I am not normal. A guy who could love you, look you straight in the eye and pull the trigger is not normal, but is also not likely to succumb to the buzz of those substance'. Or maybe I'm just lucky in that I don't like the buzz all that much. I would go to that NA meeting and speak my mind. One day I might elaborate on just what I would say.

pyro, along with what you said, I believe there is a point one reaches, which could be equated with critical mass. While my stress right now is on moving forward, and that for a time I have removed most of the cost of living, take this time and get better. Now is the time. I can afford this, and I kinda like these people. So that's the way it is. I don't pry, sometime she just feels like talking. We are talking about a broad who has been in jail for beating the shit out of her olman (not this one). But now she is like butter.

Miss, I get what you say, but I don't think there will be a lack of follow through. For one it is pretty much established that she is here for the winter, also, if things keep going the way they are going, I don't care if she stays forever. I think in those months she will grow, and eventually might be able to handle "The Urban Way". That's when all the bullshit from the past is gone, when the future is really your's. My upbringing, while better than many, was far from perfect. But at around 40 I just decided the future is mine, I am here, I have the intelligence to shape my future. That's what matters. And if you can't control ytour emotions, at least feel what you feel now, not some shit that happened twenty years ago.

In this I might find the right angle. She was abused beyond belief, I have not yet revealed all she has told me. On the downside it was severe, on the upside she eventually got used to it. She can at least talk about it.

And cjan, careful ? I could take a wrong turn and have her slashing her wrists in about 15 minutes. This type of power is not meant for those who buy it, it is for those who earn it. How do you treat a flower that has never had a chance to fully bloom ? For that I'll quote I think the fifth charge of Odinism :

Deal not harshly with the humble and lowly.

Strange thing happened the other day. Her family stopped over. Turns out a bunch of them are freeloaders and will eat just about anything in sight. I made a remark. Thinking that maybe I shouldn't have, the next morning she thanked me for the remark. They did not head for the hills but the way she put it was she was gald to see them go. My response "If those people are who created the environment by which you came here, they are not all that welcome ".

There is so much more, it would never fit in one post. But I like to think my life will leave a mark on the world. And not a bloodstain I hope. I'll go with it.

T

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RE: The Vortex of help - 10/27/2009 5:24:15 AM

pahunkboy

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..it occurred to me. They say to wait a year before any stressful event to make any big decisions. You may have jumped to soon. Too bad they could not pick up a foreclosure for $1.

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