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Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 3:19:31 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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This occured between myself and Normal outside. Master felt, as I did, that it warrented it's own thread.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NormalOutside

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
A dominant personality does not make a dominant.

Maybe I don't understand what you mean by "personality", but as far as I know, it is a person's personality that matters, not the behaviours they choose to participate in. A dominant personality is essentially the definition of "dominant" to me, and pretty much anyone I've spoken to or read posts from on this site. Sure, a dominant person can act submissive, but that doesn't make them submissive, it makes them a dominant person who is acting submissive. Personality (what's inside) is what defines us.

So the question is - does this mean that an s-type cannot have a dominant personality?
Do people agree that a dominant cannot be quiet and retiring and yet still be dominant?

I would disagree with NO that the posts from this site support his opinion. From what I have seen, many of the s-types here have very strong and dominant personalities. I know. I have clashed with some of them!

But how does that make you feel, to be told that because you have a dominant personality, that your submission is an act?

For dominants who prefere the quieter life, do you perceive this a reflection on your dominance?

Does dominant personality ultimately = authority?

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

Post #: 1

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 3:30:57 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
So the question is - does this mean that an s-type cannot have a dominant personality?

No. This "s-type" has a very dominant personality, I'm afraid. I choose to submit to Master and not others.

quote:

Do people agree that a dominant cannot be quiet and retiring and yet still be dominant?

I don't agree at all. MY dominant is quiet and retiring and still very masterly

luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 11/4/2009 3:31:21 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 2

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 3:36:32 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I tend to think you are on the money the.dark. A dominant personality does not necessarily equate a Dominant. I've seen s types that have some very take charge abilities, who know how to use them and use them well. They can absolutely use that quality in their career, in social, and every other type of setting. Yet, I see that as how they deal with the outer, rather than the inner circle.

From the other side of the kneel, I've seen very quiet, reserved types who are Dominant. It doesn't change the control they have over those in their collar one bit.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

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(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 3

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 3:39:57 PM

KYsissy

Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
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quote:

I've seen s types that have some very take charge abilities, who know how to use them and use them well. They can absolutely use that quality in their career, in social, and every other type of setting.

That would be me.

_____________________________

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 4

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 4:04:53 PM

ncbabe

Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

So the question is - does this mean that an s-type cannot have a dominant personality?

I do not think people's personalities are either dominant or submissive, I think they are a mixture of both, and just because I am a submissive does not mean I cannot display dominant charateristics.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Do people agree that a dominant cannot be quiet and retiring and yet still be dominant?

IMO dominant does not equal loud and active, it equals authority. So a dominant can be either loud or quiet, as long as s/he is authoritative.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

But how does that make you feel, to be told that because you have a dominant personality, that your submission is an act?

It does nothing to me, because I know it is not an act but who I am.

_____________________________

As we think, so we become.

Nichts ist unmöglich

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 5

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 4:17:21 PM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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Just wanting to be clear on the definition of what exactly is a Dominant versus submissive personality, before trying to give an answer to the original question. Is someone who is outgoing, talkative versus shy and retiring considered to have a Dominant personality versus a submissive one?

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Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

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Post #: 6

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 4:23:44 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

But how does that make you feel, to be told that because you have a dominant personality, that your submission is an act?

It makes me feel disagreeable!

I believe no one has ~~a~~ personality; we have multi-faceted personalities.
It is possible to have polar attributes that are very real but circumstances dictate which one comes to the fore.

I am dominant in some areas of my life. In others, I have an egalitarian dynamic (particularly with my good friends). And in my intimate relationships, I am submissive because that is what fulfills me and makes me most content.

quote:

Does dominant personality ultimately = authority?

I would say a dominant personality only equals authority if two aspects are in place. First,one must choose to exert that authority and, second, someone else must agree to accept that authority.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 7

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 4:25:38 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...So the question is - does this mean that an s-type cannot have a dominant personality?...

it has been this slave's experience that most folk who self-identify as submissive, do so ONLY within the context of an intimate relationship and/or when their submission is drawn out, earned or otherwise inspired by a specific someone.

(absolutely nothing wrong with that, in this slave's book, either!

)

this slave has encountered very few folk, this slave being one of them, who not only prefer to be the submissive partner within the context of an intimate relationship, but also find it to be intrinsic to who they are...their "nature", so to speak...to respond submissively to others and to situations life throws at them---not as a response to a specific someone or identifiable only as as a preferred relationship status once sufficiently in lust and/or love or a certain level of trust has been earned.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 8

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 6:07:28 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I describe a dominant as a person who prefers to be in charge in their private relationship.
Has nothing to do with their business life. You can be a college professor, clearly in charge in the classroom yet still not want to be in charge at home.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 9

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 8:58:16 PM

sincityprincess

Posts: 59
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

I think that personalities, behaviors, temperaments, and relationship style are very separate things that sometimes get lumped together.

I find the Four-Part Personality Plus module to be the easiest to use and understand. It classifies people as Sanguine--outgoing/pleaser, Melancholy--thinker/planner, Choleric--driver/controller, Phlegmatic--laid back/go with the flow-er, or some combination thereof. This also corresponds to the color personality module of Yellow, Blue, Red and White.

A lot of people use the term Type-A personality; someone who is driven, assertive or aggressive, and controlling. Seems Dominant but those are often also the people who are submissive in their relationships. Many submissives, like myself, have described themselves as dominant in their everyday lives.

Personally, I think it is a "which came first, the chicken or the egg" type of thing...I think I have many dominant roles in my everyday life--office manager, mother--but I don't even cross-reference those to my preferred relationship role. To me those are things I do...being a submissive woman in my relationship is who I am.

If anything, my experiences as a sub have made me a stronger leader in the roles I do have where I have to be more dominant, because I can understand from the other person's perspective how they learn, take direction, and respond to authority, punishment and praise.

I am probably one of those quintessential people that most people would be shocked to learn how submissive I am in a relationship because I am so dominant in the other areas of my life.

Am I dominant by day because I am submissive by night? Or vice versa? I don't think either one. I am dominant by day because my kids' livelihood depends on my ability to be good at my job. I am able to be good at my job because I have a combination sanguine/melancholy personality and a strong will of survival.

I am good at being a submissive because the sanguine side of my personality makes me want to please others and be well-liked & the melancholy side of my personality makes me the kind of person who can figure out the best way to do something. But the reason I am submissive by night is it makes me happy to be that way.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 9:42:46 PM

Surrenderwithin

Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

I am an owned 24/7 slave and have been for nearly ten years. Everyone who knows me, as well as myself, would describe me as having a Dominant personality.

_____________________________

"There are 2 kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and to follow; the strength to control, and to yield. There are 2 kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." - Yaldah Tovah
*15 Nz Pts*

(in reply to sincityprincess)

Post #: 11

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 11:43:23 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Does dominant personality ultimately = authority?

the.dark.

No. If this were true, all the slaves We interact with on a frequent basis, including Our own, would have all the authority. slavelliot, while having freedom to do certain things, does not, ultimately have the authority to do them unless We dictate it is so.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
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-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 12

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/4/2009 11:58:24 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

FR before reading through the replies...

This is one of those times that I think Jeff's really hit on something with "leadership", because the core trait I see as being key to a dominant partner is not dominance, but competence (specifically in whatever facets surrender is being given up unto Hir). Second would be the ability to, via that competence, enact the results sought.

Everything is is just flavor and color.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 11/5/2009 12:02:28 AM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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CM Sex God du Jour
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(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 13

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 1:09:10 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~
I am very assertive with most people in my life, yet with "my" Dominant I was ultra-submissive in all things, in and out of the bedroom.
On the other hand, Sir was VERY Dominant with me at all times, yet very quiet and mellow in everyday life. Go figure.

_____________________________

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 14

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 1:53:24 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

So the question is - does this mean that an s-type cannot have a dominant personality?

No, I don't think so. Sounds like there is just some confusion between personality and orientation on the part of Normal and it's perfectly okay for him to believe what he believes but I dare say, he's going to miss out on a lot of rockin' s-types due to that confusion.

quote:

Do people agree that a dominant cannot be quiet and retiring and yet still be dominant?

Speak softly and carry a big stick? Worked for Teddy.. I'm sure it works for lots of folks. ;)

quote:

From what I have seen, many of the s-types here have very strong and dominant personalities. I know. I have clashed with some of them!

::chuckles:: Me too.

quote:

But how does that make you feel, to be told that because you have a dominant personality, that your submission is an act?

Honestly, it rather makes me giggle. The only one who knows for sure whether or not my submission is an act would be Himself. If, during the decade + relationship we have under our belt he hasn't caught on yet that I'm really a dominant in disguise, I should win an Oscar because I'm the best actress extant!

quote:

Does dominant personality ultimately = authority?

Hmm.. I'm yes & no, on this one. If you have the ability to strip away my power and take it as your own, then authority over me is the by-product of that ability but there needs to be *some* kind of dominant personality that shines through or I'm just not going to be interested enough to give your power a chance to engulf me. There's much to be said for a slow burn, but if I don't see the first spark of the match that starts that burn, I'm looking past the dark (no pun intended) towards some flash of light in the distance.

Moth to flame and all that. :)

edited to fix quoting

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 11/5/2009 1:54:12 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 15

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 2:37:46 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

jeez... how complicated...
maybe we're all switches then, with particular preference at certain times and with certain people...
i think fighting your corner or simply having an opinion has nothing to do with being dominant
i wonder how dominant a dominant has to be if the submissive is submitting anyway.
and how submissive is a sub when calling the dominant an arse and throwing the collar in his face when the magic has gone?

my naturally dominant Husband is always confident, he might change His mind about things after thinking things through and then He will be confident saying that He has decided to change His mind. He is quite quick at making decisions.
naturally submissive me is forever weighing things off, giving everybody the benifit of the doubt and numerous chances... when i discover i am wrong about something it makes me a bit embarrassed, it takes me ages to reach a decision and then i usually still question if it was the right one, but i am skilled at putting on a front and hide my insecurities... and i have too many opinions.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 16

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 2:51:49 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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And just to prove that i have too many opinions:

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

the core trait I see as being key to a dominant partner is not dominance, but competence (specifically in whatever facets surrender is being given up unto Hir). Second would be the ability to, via that competence, enact the results sought.

same can be said for subs... i think i am quite competent myself (dealing with varying degrees of dominance) and through that competence get some results
(i might question myself every step of the way but that does not mean i lack the ability to operate well)
- lots of points for that i think.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 17

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 4:11:45 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

There are many ambiguous terms of art floating around here. Do you mean that an "s-type" is a switch type of personality? Stable type? Sadist type? The first Google hit for "s type personality" uses the label for "supportive." Another search for "s type" personality yields "steady." Right from the start, you may want to use widely accepted English language terms if you want to unambiguously communicate your question and avoid unwanted assumptions.

Every person has many different levels or layers to their being. Each level or layer may exist at any point along the continuum between control and surrender, at any given time. One's "personality" might be considered as the geometric mean of that point among these different layers in a matrix which includes standard deviation over time.

Surrender is a free choice which requires the power of self will. The greater the surrender, the greater the strength to make the choice. In a way, the external manifestation is the reciprocal of the internal state. [Note: many people and philosophies subscribe to the premise that life is predestined, and one has no choice. Thus one is a perpetual victim of a greater power, and their surrender is not by choice. They have no choice but to be who they are, react to their feelings, and never change.]

< Message edited by aldompdx -- 11/5/2009 4:16:45 AM >

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 18

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 5:48:57 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

~FR~

I think there is a difference here between personality and nature. The personality is the set of attributes and actions we place on display whereas nature refers to those attributes that surface whether we want them to or not. Personality is mutable based on person, context, social standing, etc. Nature is not.

My ums would say I have a very dominant personality. Those are the attributes I need to display to carry out the functions of being a good mother and provide that sercurity and boundaries they need. When I am in front of a police officer who claims I was speeding, I have a very submissive personality. It does me no favors to head butt with this person. I can save that for the courtroom when suddenly I will be showing a much more dominant side of myself. When there's a lot to do chores, bills to get paid, things to plan, appointments to keep, I doubt hubby would say that I am all that submissive. At the same time, when our time is our own, I let go of the reigns pretty easily. I run a tight ship in my household and it seems that I am the one who both can and must do so, but when it is more effective or appropriate that can all be put aside.

Then there is my nature. I have a dual nature that is very content together, but the submissive part is definitely the stronger of the two. This is the part of me that, if people watch close enough, cannot get lost under the bluster of running day to day life. I tend to remain just behind others with whom I am walking. I can become unnerved and embarrassed if too much eye contact is required. I am polite to a fault. I tend to turn over decisions to someone else if it is possible. I never know what I want for Christmas, but I know what everyone else wants or needs. Lots of little things that I do that don't quite go with all that round em up attitude I am constantly displaying. I have asked people what they saw that had them determining there was a submissive in there. Most failed to bother to answer at all except just that it was written all over every single thing I said and did. It is a little embarrassing in all honesty because until I got involved in these kinds of relationships, I thought I hid it rather well. As it turns out it is something that cannot be hidden from those who take the time to look for it.

I imagine dominance is the same way. There are just little things that belie the cooperative and compliant exterior that some may display. It is not at all that they aren't cooperative or compliant. It is that these are displayed traits that serve well for the purpose even if they are in action most of the time. I will watch how a person steers a conversation or the thinking of the group in general. I will look at body placement and how suggestions are intonated. I look for the little things.

I don't think introvert or extrovert enters into this at all either. I am a mostly introverted person, but many people seem to know when I am quiet and happy or when I am quiet and seething and behave accordingly. I have seen extroverts be very demonstrative in how they serve or dominate. This is more a misconception than either personality or nature. It is a mode of interaction. Introversion and extroversion is how we relate to the world not what we relate.

As far as how I feel about people confusing my personality and nature, it doesn't matter. I'm just me. If someone wants to take the time to get behind the personality to the person, then they will have no further question. If not, then their opinion doesn't matter. I really don't need any validation for who or what I am. I have done the hard work of discovering that and coming to my own terms with it myself.

lovingpet

< Message edited by lovingpet -- 11/5/2009 5:51:57 AM >

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

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(in reply to aldompdx)

Post #: 19

RE: Dominant and Submissive Personalities. - 11/5/2009 6:22:59 AM

smplyme101

Posts: 22
Joined: 10/30/2009
Status: offline

i am a submissive woman , in many ways. When i was told of this lifestyle i thought.....whoa no way , that's not for me, until i attended my first Fet party with a friend and i saw the most wonderful display of love and affection i could'nt even imagine to have ever existed. My friend, she too was a sub, i , from the outside could never have imagined her in that "role". As i watched the night continue, i saw in her al the same emotions, thoughts, feelings etc, that i found within my own self. Hence, here i am, and at work, i have to be authoritive, sometimes makes me being me a little difficult now, i still have a battle within sometimes, but i am who i am, i am a submissive, and proud of it, but at work, i am a hard nose manager. So i am not sure if this goes in this thread, but all i know is internally i have two personalities, but both for right time, right place, and honestly, it is the submissive that is more who i am. I may state also that i once met a Dom who was to me, slightly submissive on the outside, but when that personality for the "time" came out, He was definately a Donm in all ways.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 20

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