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abuddingdom -> local BDSM community (11/5/2009 7:05:12 AM)

Perusing profiles, I frequently see this one under the "hates" list. I'd put it under
"disllusioning" or "disappointing", or sometimes even "disheartening"  categories if they were options. Human nature  so often  reigns when  2 or more humans try to create a team. Even with the best intentions and well  meaning and well stated missions things  can and often do devolve into power issues(suprise, suprise), pettiness, politics, who can outdo who,  well-meaning leaders with no real skills and lack of afore mentioned teamwork(its a silly cliche but one of those cliches which is accurate : there's no "I" in teamwork, and so many  teams allow themselves to be taken over by "I" individuals). Even when leaders see things going badly things can get too big for them to control  and they roll along of their own momentum leaving the leaders behind if they're afraid to rock their own boat.    

There's a lot of people out there who seem to have little or no use for the munch / play party / you  need the community to grow or even survive in the "lifestyle"  way of thinking/living. Some have chosen to walk away or greatly limit their particpation, some chose to not go that path from the beginning of their journey. Those of you who are there, or who were there but now aren;t, those who have limited their involvement and those who never got into it :  I'd like to know your thoughts and experiences regarding BDSM groups , good bad or inbetween. How do you fare within your groups? How did you fare before and after being in that world? Do you find it kind of silly after awhile?  Do those who walked away feel a loss?  If you never went that route, why? 

I'd say Cmail me privately if you're not comfortable being honest publicly, but how would I know that you're being honest with me privately?  There's 3 sides to every story(another cliche). I've also been  contacted by scammers on this site, and I personally know of one D male who has at least 2 fake profiles on here masquerading asa female sub.So, if I don't know you and even if I do -  I'm  bringing  up my questions and opinions out here and asking people to share with me,out here. 

Thanks for reading this far, and I hope to hear from people who have feelings and opinions on this.........



DesFIP -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 7:15:43 AM)

I have no interest. I'm neither an exhibitionist nor a voyeur. I'm not interested in flashy equipment. I'm interested in a power relationship with a person with competent rope skills for when we play. I have no interest in him being the greatest rigger around, I don't care if when we get to play every couple of weeks he uses one of the same basic ten ties each time. They work for me.

I came onto a kink site to find my one, having found him, I'm fine now just with exchange of ideas. But I don't feel marginalized and in need of  'sister' subs to understand me. He understands me just fine.

Basically it's the relationship that matters to me and that doesn't require a cheering squad.



Andalusite -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 7:33:50 AM)

I started out for about 5 years as a Domme, then had about 3-4 years of egalitarian kinky relationships before venturing to my first munch. I attended regularly for about 6 months or so, then found that it was difficult to get the conversation on anything but kink, geek talk, and small talk/gossip. As soon as I struck up any interesting conversation, a bunch of people would seek us out and quickly change the subject back to one of those three. I had better luck with playparties, especially small private ones, and when I was deliberately single/not wanting to date anyone for a while, I often went every week or two. I had a 3 year relationship as a submissive since then, with someone who wasn't at all into public play, so I was out of the Scene for that time frame. My Master and I sometimes go to private playparties, but mostly do so at his home, and my playpartner and I frequently go to a local dungeon, and sometimes take classes. I think the local scene can be useful, especially for people who are starting out and wanting to explore, but I haven't turned anyone down over their being disinterested in the community.



OsideGirl -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 7:39:10 AM)

Master and I have gone through phases. There have been times when we've been very active in the local community. Right now, we're in an indifferent phase. We attend once in awhile, but we prefer to be on our own schedule.

There's a difference between indifference and active dislike or hate. Most of the people that I've met that hate the socials/parties tend to be people that have had issues. That ranges from people that gave themselves a reputation as an asshole or abuser to submissives who went in without enough backbone or knowledge and ended up being taken advantage of.





onlyfreelycaged -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 8:07:57 AM)

I'd love to be an active member of my local community. I've just had the misfourtion to not really be comfortable around the few that I've meet. There's no real solid reason for it but I am trusting my gut.



LadyPact -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 8:26:00 AM)

I'm currently in transition as far as settling in with a BDSM community here.  I moved to a small town that really doesn't have much of one.  In the surrounding areas, there are active groups, but I am still feeling those out to find the best fit.  It can take a little while to find the right niche and considering that any group that I join now is going to be an hour plus drive, I want to become active in the group that has the most return on My investment.  (Regularly scheduled munches/events, play opportunities, etc.)

Yes, I miss My prior community a great deal.  Those folks were like a second family to Me and I was very happy to be on the board during My last term.  I had a fantastic gal for a Vice Chair and the greatest event co-ordinator that anybody could ever want.  If we had problems, we headed to the local Mexican restaurant, grabbed a pitcher of margaritas, and worked everything out before the close of the evening.  Not only did we have a successful year, we put on a number of fun, educational, and social events.  When it looks effortless, it means the people behind the scenes worked very hard to get the job done.

I can't help but mention here that those were the same folks that were such a benefit to Me while MP was stationed in Korea and when clip was located all over the place.  Unlike a lot of military wives who are transplanted in places away from family and may not have anyone for a support system, the BDSM community was there for Me in droves.  The people in My local group did things for Me that are far too numerous to mention here.  Any help I ever needed, I got. 

That feeling of support wasn't just in My own back yard.  There were people from Atlanta to North Carolina that I got to know, learn from, enjoy spending time with. have fun with, and form bonds.  Some of My best memories in the last five years were with them.  I was connected to a lot of people in a lot of different places, and I miss them all.

People are quick to discount the groups because of things like personality clashes and so on.  That just hasn't been My experience.




Hierodule -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 8:34:24 AM)

I am actively trying to get involved in my local community. Not in any kind of leadership way. Just to make friends. Non of my friends understand why I am doing what I do. I live in a big loft with 5 other people and I love them all but some of them think I am doing something awful. They guys don't care they are like, eh, whatever. But the girls think I am losing my identity. I went to a TNG munch (with my Masters permission) to try to meet people my age who won't judge me. There wasn't much talk of kink to be honest. A little geek talk about movies and music. But I'm a geek so I liked it. Didn't notice any gossip.

I am also a huge exhibitionist so I felt really really at home playing in the (members only) bondage club that I went to last weekend.  I'm super new so maybe I will become jaded and/or turned off the more I am exposed to the local BDSM community. I'lll let you know.



LaTigresse -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 8:37:41 AM)

I have been invited to join several local gatherings by random people online. Their gatherings are usually at a time when it is very inconvenient to me.....like a Saturday afternoon......given the distance from my actual home.......about 50 miles.

Not one of the locals on the list has ever participated here in the forums so I am clueless as to their personality, most seem to be commited hetro couples, and none have ever had any contact with me other than these random invites.

I do not need a group of strangers, or otherwise, to be able to have a successful relationship. Regardless of relationship type.

I am not a joiner, a party person, or a night owl. I have a very busy life when I am not sitting here at this desk at work, waiting for 5pm. For me to drive 100 miles round trip, there is going to have to be more incentive than I've already been given.



Missokyst -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 9:00:11 AM)

[Even when leaders see things going badly things can get too big for them to control and they roll along of their own momentum leaving the leaders behind if they're afraid to rock their own boat. ]

I run a couple of munch groups and have run munches for years. I can tell you it is a lot of work keeping personalities in check. I have been a negotiator on more than one occasion, mostly with successful results. I love my people. They are fabulous, friendly, chatty, well read, intelligent, and more importantly, nearly every one of them has real experience with bdsm. What I like most if that the people in my groups are not afraid to start things on their own. While I do have a firm control over the munch aspect, I am more than ok if someone wants to start a play party, or arrange other events. Part of the deal in running a group is that you have to be able to let go of some control and allow others to blossom. It is sort of like raising a family.

And they are my family. We kid, we talk, we play.. in the most innocent of ways.

[I'd like to know your thoughts and experiences regarding BDSM groups , good bad or inbetween. How do you fare within your groups? How did you fare before and after being in that world? Do you find it kind of silly after awhile? Do those who walked away feel a loss? If you never went that route, why?]

How do I fare? Very well. Much better in fact because being in a group, running one, forces me out of my house. It makes me look my agorophobia in the eye and thumb my nose at it. I don't find going to events silly at all. Not even when I was in a serious committed relationship did I walk away from munches. Why? Because I have always encouraged regular people talk even among kinksters. It is hard to become close to someone if you only touch upon the topics that brought you together. When that happens people are flat and eventually uninteresting. Real life, real issues, real kink, and genuine laughter are what keep me coming back.

I love the people in my group.

As for play parties and such.. For me that is just social interaction. I MIGHT play (but that is rare), but I go to enjoy meeting new people and talk about what ever comes up. In the social areas of a play party, those topics are a LOT more than just kink. And that is what keeps me coming back.



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 9:03:27 AM)

I'm not much of a joiner, either. Don't care much about "belonging" to anything but one very special woman. 15 years ago, I became rather heavily involved in the local community as a means toward that end - partly to learn more about who I was and where I fit in the "lifestyle," partly because it was affirming and freeing to be around a community of like-minded people, and partly because associating with a large group of such people seemed like the most sensible way to meet that one very special woman.

That all worked out pretty well, and either met or exceeded most of my expectations. I met some wonderful people, made some wonderful friends, had a few wonderful relationships. Along the way, I came to understand who I was, where I fit, and what I need more than I ever realized was possible.

Now, I don't feel a very strong need for my local community. Over the years, the community seems to have become very hive-like; I don't see anywhere near the diversity of personalities and interests that i find in kink communities everywhere else in the country. There are some fantastic people, but almost every one of them has very little in common with me outside our mutual kink interests. I really like most of the people, but we usually don't have much to talk about except kink. So, I don't form as many close friendships as I used to, and the chances of finding another potential life relationship in this particular community seems very slim. I have a lot of things I love to do in my life, so I've kind of put the local community on the back burner. It's just not an efficient use of my time and energy; too many other things I do feed me and satisfy me much more deeply and much more meaningfully. I expect that to change if i move to the West Coast next year, because I feel a lot more "in synch" with most of the communities I've socialized with out there over the years; but for now, count me as one who's rather ambivalent about the local community.



frazzle -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 9:10:39 AM)

I have been to 1 munch. Was accused of being fake for not cow-towing to all those that called themselves Dom!!! i didnt know any of them before hand and thought it was just a friendly meeting between like minded people, not that i was meant to be on my knees for the evening.

Been to 1 play party, invited by a friend who was running it. Just wasnt my thing, im neither an exhibitionist or voyeur and found that as people arrived in normal clothing they were talkable too. They then went and changed into their "play clothes" and were different people.

I prefer people who are what they are and dont need to dress up to be it.

Each to their own. Have thought about seeing what the groups are like where i now live, but too chicken to go on my own.



DemonKia -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 10:15:32 AM)

FR, after read thru

Hmmmmmmmmm . . . . . Well, personally:

I'm in a 'kink separatist' phase right now, so I've got darn little use for most 'vanilla' socializing opportunities & am most interested in hanging out with other kinksters . . . . . .

I've been in all kinds of groups, with varying feelings of 'belonging' . . . . SCA, theater people, poets, artists, liberal political people, college student, & on & on . . .. . The out-&-organized BDSM community is a better fit for me than average . ... . .

My experience is that when people have issues, they're their issues, not necessarily anything outside of themselves as cause despite ostensible appearances . . . . . Similar to how in college some students always have conflicts with the teacher & / or other students -- & it's about that student, not the teacher or the class or etc . . ..

But with kink stuff people's libidos & egos & expectations are even more wound up in what goes on, & the level of irrationality about what ensues is even more so than in a reasonably rational space such as college . .. .. .

&, what's really funny about this whole discussion, for me? Is that mostly, when I encourage someone to participate in our local community? My goal is that we have a lot of fun, & I wanna share that fun . ... . . Evil of me, I know . . . . .



Reform -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 11:12:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom
Those of you who are there, or who were there but now aren;t, those who have limited their involvement and those who never got into it :  I'd like to know your thoughts and experiences regarding BDSM groups , good bad or inbetween. How do you fare within your groups? How did you fare before and after being in that world? Do you find it kind of silly after awhile?  Do those who walked away feel a loss?  If you never went that route, why? 


I'm young, shy, and not sure where I fit in the lifestyle. I'm interested in learning more about both BDSM and myself both through private interactions with my partner, but also with the local scene. Unfortunately those three things I just mentioned about myself make me quite nervous to venture out and meet people. I find that most munch groups are either in LA or San Diego, both too far for me to travel; I live right in between them. So for now I'm just trying to wing it.

What I'd love more than being active in the local scene would be to find a mentor, but when I mention that to people I get sceevy older men saying they'll "help me out" which just weirds me out. Most of the time it seems like they're trying to get me in bed, and I'm just not interested.



LadyPact -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 11:30:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reform

quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom
Those of you who are there, or who were there but now aren;t, those who have limited their involvement and those who never got into it :  I'd like to know your thoughts and experiences regarding BDSM groups , good bad or inbetween. How do you fare within your groups? How did you fare before and after being in that world? Do you find it kind of silly after awhile?  Do those who walked away feel a loss?  If you never went that route, why? 


I'm young, shy, and not sure where I fit in the lifestyle. I'm interested in learning more about both BDSM and myself both through private interactions with my partner, but also with the local scene. Unfortunately those three things I just mentioned about myself make me quite nervous to venture out and meet people. I find that most munch groups are either in LA or San Diego, both too far for me to travel; I live right in between them. So for now I'm just trying to wing it.

What I'd love more than being active in the local scene would be to find a mentor, but when I mention that to people I get sceevy older men saying they'll "help me out" which just weirds me out. Most of the time it seems like they're trying to get me in bed, and I'm just not interested.

Actually, this post sounded like right around My neck of the woods.  Have you ever considered learning in a situation that *didn't* have the factors you described above?  Why not learn from a straight female Dominant that doesn't have any interest in you sexually?  Find yourself a good female top who enjoys doing the social thing and is willing to teach you what she knows.



sinandhoney -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 2:47:56 PM)

I guess I'm lucky the group I joined when I first ventured out I'm still active in.  I think a  big part of why I feel so comfortable is that we are not big on protocol other than plain manners.  I don't have to Sir anyone I don't feel deserves that title nor would I.  I usually refer to everyone by the name they chose to be called.  I never laugh as much as when I am with them.  We are there for each other outside of the kink and it's a very comforting dynamic.   No everyone doesn't like each other, but we can politely be in the same space with out there being fights.  There are some other groups who are more into protocol than we are but then I'm not in those groups.



DomImus -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 3:36:37 PM)

I had been pursuing my bondage and kink interests literally for a few decades before I became exposed to the local bdsm public thing. I've tried it. It's okay. It seems mostly to be populated with the 'see and be seen' types of which I am not one. The very fact that I successfully pursued my bondage and kink interests for that long in the absence of any local public bdsm group exposure indicates to me that it is not really all important to be part of it. Many people like it and I think that's great. My wish is that they enjoy themselves. That is is a necessary evil that's being ignored is not my opinion.





Andalusite -> RE: local BDSM community (11/5/2009 10:49:45 PM)

Hierodule, I think I phrased that badly. I don't mind a bit of geek talk, and the gossip wasn't malicious. I just got frustrated that every time I was able to get into a deeper, more interesting conversation, trying to build a friendship, a bunch of people would come up to us and change the subject. Sometimes, I'd even leave the conversation and grab the other person, and try to get back to what we were talking about, and within a minute or two, the same people would come find us again. I didn't want to be rude and tell them to leave us alone, when it was a public event, and I wouldn't have minded them contributing to the conversation we were already having. I go to a kinky discussion group meeting at a private home that isn't like that at all! It's always interesting, and I'm friends with some of the women who show up.



eyesopened -> RE: local BDSM community (11/6/2009 4:19:48 AM)

My personal experience has been a little bad, a little good and mostly learning to not expect a group to meet personal needs.

The groups I have been exposed to, a couple of them were horrible!  A couple of them were really great at putting together demonstrations and other educational events.  None of them were warm, welcoming or terribly accepting, but then that probably was more of a regional thing, not a BDSM thing.

Going to functions HAS allowed me to see the diversity of this thing and that alone was worth the struggle of going to munches.

Master and I would like to attend demonstrations (particularly interested in fire play) but are not joiners and both of us find it difficult to deal with the attitudes displayed at most groups toward newcomers. 



Surrenderwithin -> RE: local BDSM community (11/6/2009 4:19:31 PM)

I do not see how a lack of participation in the local community has stunted my growth within my power exchange relationship. I have been very active in our local community as well as very inactive, depending on various things going on in our life. However, I do not feel that the years of being active helped us in establishing our relationship; beyond the fact that we met at a local munch. After meeting, we stepped away from the local community for about a year and a half. This enabled us to really get to know each other and establish a strong bond and foundation upon which to build.



lilgirl2008 -> RE: local BDSM community (11/6/2009 4:25:11 PM)

I have had good and bad experiences within the local community here in Chicago. I have belonged to every dungeon at one point or another. I go to sloshes and munches and enjoy meeting new people. I avoid drama. I don't tell people too much about my personal life, that seems to cut down on the drama. I do like to play in public so that is someting that is important to me. I think its a great way to meet people, much better then on the internet.



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