MasterCord
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Joined: 7/6/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GYPSYMAMBO
What I am pissed off about is HIDING these things from me until well into communication and realtionship knowing full well I am highly sexual
TO me it shows passive aggression..and that deep down they are "men."..who still think sexual activity centers around THEM and their needs and desires ONLY.
I can speak from experience. I take a number of medications for blood pressure and diabetes, all of which (the drugs and the physical issues/diesease) have led to ED. I am not repressed sexually...I have a libido that is virtually insatiable. Conventional ED drugs (I've tried them all) simply do not work on me; such is the issue I deal with. It has been this way for 5 years now. I'm not a "victim" of ED; I have a physical problem for which I continue to look for a solution....but as a lover and a Dominant I'm far from "ineffective".
ED has not changed my ability to inspire. I simply learned new ways to do so. Part of that is recognizing and accepting that some women WANT penetration and the fact that I cannot as yet accommodate them. No problem. A woman deserves to have the kind of partner they want and all other considerations aside friendships are seldom based on a rigid cock, so all is never lost. I'm also not a cop so would not appeal to a woman with a cop fetish; nor am I polyamorous so would not offer much there either...etc...etc. So too am I not defined by my towering mast :)
I deal with the issue and I keep working on ways to try and regain the ability to have erections. Whether I do or not, is immaterial to my happiness...and is immaterial to many, many women as well. For those to whom it IS important as noted earlier, I have zero issues with that. Life is short and by and large people should have what makes them feel best.
Having said all of that the OP had noted she wants men to be up front about it. Well, it's not that easy and not for the reasons you may think. Just like every woman has their own "need", women also tend to be different in regard to how much they WANT to know up front (so to speak) and why.
I had the pleasure of getting to know a submissive over a period of weeks chatting online. We were fairly compatible as far as the things we had shared so far seemed to show. So we started talking by phone. After a time it seemed like we were heading down the road toward opening a D/s relationship. So in the interest of what the OP was saying, during one conversation I told her about the ED issue and all about how I had learned to work around it. This was of course followed by the a bit of boasting about my compensating skills. I feeling pretty good about myself for being so up-front and feeling really, really confident. I was really impressed.
Then....she erupted.
What was I "assuming?" she asked me. Did I think her to be so shallow that all that mattered to her was a hard cock? This led to a 5 minute or so rant about how she thought I was different and wasn't fixated on sex and that she thought I had more confidence in myself than to have the need to "confess" this so early on. Did I think she was going to fuck on Day 1? Did I think her so shallow that this could not have been part of our "natural path of discovery?".... Did I think her to be "cock obsessed"????.Was THAT all I thought D/s was about??????
Geez, I thought to myself - "this isn't going well"...lol.
OK She calms down and says to me that bringing such a thing up was a mistake. "Let people get to know you If the question (not the cock) comes up, THEN explain it. But don't "assume" a woman needs a hard cock to be involved. That's sexist trash"...or some such thing...lol. Anyway, she decided I was too fixated on the ED issue and needed to deal with it and love myself first. Then we could resume one day. So we parted ways.
Many women think men "never learn". So I decided to prove that to be nonsense. I actually listened to what she said and decided to not bring the ED thing up until intimacy was imminent. Darwin would have been so proud.
About 8 months or so later, I became close with a woman/submissive, with whom I was compatible on virtually every level. Where we needed to have synergy it was there. Where contrast was a good thing.it was there. Ying and yang. So we finally decided to meet after a few months corresponding and talking. I had not as yet told her about the ED. She had told me she enjoyed oral sex beyond anything else so it didn't seem like it was something to be concerned about. So we met, had a great dinner on the Cape, a romantic night at the beach and she gifted me a beautiful flogger. We returned arm in arm to the room to play for the first time.
So far - excellent.
I do not mean to be graphic here but the detail is germane to the story. She had decided to take the intiative and she was exquisite. Loving, warm, intense, focused...and I responded to the max extent possible....more than I'd been able to in a long while. But, she noted the hardness was not there and asked me if she was doing something wrong.
I assured her, "no! you do this so well!" and explained in passing that despite ED she was making me feel incredible.
This it turns out, was a BAD decision.
She leaped to her feet and said something like..."you have fucking ED????????...you didn't tell me that!!!!!!!!! I can't BELIEVE you hid that from me!!!!!!! .....
"Hid it from you?"...I asked.
"What else do you call feeding a woman a limp dick when she is doing her best to make it hard for you and nothing is happening!!!! You should have told me up front! You hid this from me!!!!!!! Why did you hide this?????? I thought there was something wrong with ME and what I was doing!!!!"
Then I made the classic male mistake. I tried to defend myself.
"I didn't tell you because I didn't want to make you think I saw you as shallow."
This was not the right thing to say. I could just see Darwin burying his face in his hands.
"You think women who want to know they please their man are SHALLOW????????"
"Well...no....I mean I did not want you to feel like I thought my cock was all that mattered to you..."
Strike 2 swinging, up and in.
It went downhill from there. Fast.
So in the post-mortem I came to the following conclusion.
I will reveal this only when I have a reasonable observation that sex is a possibility. The approach will be as follows:
"I feel we're moving toward physical intimacy, and I want you to know up front that I presently have ED. We've never spoken about whether or not you feel a man's hardness is necessary to your own pleasure, so before we do get any closer physically I wanted to reveal this to you. You deserve to have as full a relationship as you desire and though I have a ton of other skills I can offer, our being open about this is the best course. I did not want to spring it on you."
So while the OP wants her men to be up front, life experience may have taught us other things. My suggestion to you and any woman is, to be up-front yourself in your profile as to whether or not ED is a problem for you. You're not being shallow, asking for a man who can hold an erection. You don't have to justify this or couch it in flowery explanations. Simply say that being the kind of lover or submissive or Domme you are, you have a preference for a man who can enter you.
ED is an awkward enough thing to deal with on some levels. In a place like this, where we should be able to talk more freely about it, there is a great chance to be forthright. I think it is easier for the woman to present her desire ( an apparent positive) than it is for men to include it in our profiles (an apparent negative).
Any thoughts?
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