CRYPTICLXVI
Posts: 3907
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep I admit, after the latest bit of "blah" I'm thinking I may swear off the other side, too. I admit, I've pondered quitting on BDSM for a while; it just costs lots of money, and I don't really enjoy it as a single person anymore. I admit, I just want to find someone I can relate to and feel comfortable with, which is part of why I don't really try "vanilla dating;" I don't want to have to be embarrassed of stuff I've finally come to terms with and become comfortable and happy with. I admit, quite melodramatically, that I feel like a piece without a puzzle -- maybe all the puzzles are gone. I admit that I understand this... that I allowed a very positive, intense, intimate situation develop into "vanilla" because that is what she said she wanted, that following illusions is the worst type of lying. Lying to yourself, about who you are, about what you want, is wrong. That I have learned that once certain steps are taken, your path is not only altered but that you lose your own path. I admit that waiting until the lease is up may not be an option, rather it is getting close to time to walk away period. Fuck what anybody thinks, trying to be who I am not has done more damage than I thought. I am not trustworthy, I am a liar, I am a (fill in the negative adj. here) is not creating anything positive. Who I am, is someone who is certain, confident, intense and that has been lost under the lies of "love". Fuck that, I am myself, everyone else has seen the positive elements of that but after almost 6 years of this shit, I have lost that. I am feeling myself awake again and I am not pleased with losing this time... I do appreciate the few people that I have gotten to "know" here, a lot of good people...and like the first time here almost 7 years ago, all the cool ones hang in the forums. My rant is over and I return you to your regular programming... and I still think monkeys are good.
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