CynthiaWVirginia
Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010 From: West Virginia, USA Status: offline
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I admit that I have been talking with QSM over the phone and he has convinced me to start attending Adult Children of Alcholoics meetings, and the first one is this Sunday. I'm not saying he is right, but just the thought that he might be is enough to make me go to find out. I admit that the above meetings...might...trigger my PTSD and I am not looking forward to it. I admit that it might be nice if I found anyone's life that has been more eventful and freakish than mine. On the other hand, only a complete ass would ever wish that on someone. I admit that I spent a long time studying skin cancers last night over the internet, and treatments so I can handle things better if my mom's test comes back positive. I'm placing my bets with squamous cell carcinoma, and there are other treatments possible other than chemo, radiation, and cutting a big chunk out of the bridge of her nose. I will have to read up more on cryo surgery, lazer therapy, and electrodessication and curretage. Studies are not finished, but I am going to phone her and quiet some of her fears tonight. We can get through this. I admit that all of this freaked me out at first because after watching me go through all my years of cancer issues, mom swore that she would never allow disfigurement from surgeries, nor submit to chemo, that she would just let the cancer take her. She is too young and vital, more like 50 than a 70 year old, and she can get through this. I will admit that I am way past late for my own next yearly PET Scan, and that I will probably delay it yet another month. I'm like half a year late for getting that done and...it's been that long since my port was flushed with heparin. I don't even care about the port, but to them it's a big deal what gets my arse chewed out, so yeah, I REALLY wanna go into the onc's office for that. I don't want the surgery to remove the port; I am so sick and tired of surgeries that I could scream. I admit that part of me is superstitious. I feel that if I let them remove it, as they have wanted to after each time I have finished chemo, that my cancer will be back and they will have to put a new one in. I couldn't move my right arm for a week when I had this one put in, and I talked with someone who had the surgery and was being sent home when they discovered something had gone wrong and her lung was collapsing from the weight of blood, and a nurse had to stab her in the side with something, without warning. This was scary. I admit that I don't want to leave my house today, but that I have to. The Kleenex box is getting low and we are out of toilet paper. Yeah, cr*p. I admit that it is so hot that I feel like bacon...sizzling. I admit that I am still exchanging letters with the guy I broke up with, though I'm not allowing telephone calls. I need time away from that voice. I must be a masochist to have chosen to have this man in my life, because at this time he cannot give me what I need in a sub, and I needed it from him. However, for a friend and somehow more, I can't stay away. I'm at peace with this now.
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