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"Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 11:20:00 AM

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What is more important to you? The individual person or the lifestyle? I guess what I am trying to ask is if you find someone you get along with, enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common with but, maybe a few of his or her hard limits are ones that you wish they didn't have. I guess what I am trying to ask is if there is room for compromise in D/s. Is it the sub who always conforms to the Dom? Or can Doms do some conforming of their own? Are there Doms who will give up "activity X" for a sub who is right for them in many other aspects?

Am I too vanilla for even asking the question???

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 11:24:40 AM

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Well yeah, its a relationship....ALL relationships have some form of give and take. Just because kink is involved doesn't mean its not a relationship, with two thinking feeling human beings

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 11:38:47 AM

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quote:

...Is it the sub who always conforms to the Dom?...

no.

sometimes, folks slap a dominant label on themselves and then submit to their partner's demands/desires. as well, some folks slap a submissive label on themselves and then dictate to their partner what and when and how and why they can and cannot do _____________(fill in the blank).

it's a wacky world, innit?

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 11:44:57 AM

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LOL.... wise words Mercnbeth!

Another thing is, talking and getting to know one another BEFORE a big commitment is made. If someone does that, and like you say Mercnbeth, know yourself, who you are, they are MUCH more likely to avoid heartache.

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 11:46:04 AM

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Sure there is room for compromise, but only as it is relavent to my actual needs. I have physical limitations due to health and a some very personal, psychological needs. Ignoring these would neither be beneficial to my partner, nor would it be good stewardship of what has been placed in his care. Relationships of any kind in order to remain healthy, have to keep the people in them healthy heart, mind, body, and soul. If that means the occasional compromise or sacrifice for either of us, then so be it.

lovingpet

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 11:52:23 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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Our household is a little different -- we're together for many reasons, of which D/s is only a part. Not all of our members participate in D/s or BDSM activities, just like not all of our members are pierced, tattooed, etc. We have the flexibility to be able to choose to have a person as part of our lives who may only fit a small niche, because there are enough people that specific wants can be drawn from the -pool- of individuals, rather than needing to have them from one specific person.

For me, this is an advantage to collective households, and a profound, even limiting, disadvantage for me in smaller, more insular situations. In a pairing or small group, compatibility of interests is a -lot- more compelling as a requirement, if only because those interests/desires can't be filled through another relationship. In particular, the most profound necessity for compatible wants/desires/limits is going to come in a closed, monogamous pairing where no outside play or casual situations are allowed. Because the fetish and sexual needs of both partners have to be fulfilled within that single relationship, it is very difficult to say "Oh, honey, well you don't want to do that... I completely understand... I'll just do without.", especially on things that are of high desire/interest to the other party. Of -course- these can work out, and in healthy relationships, people make compromises all the time to nurture the relationship. In fact, a healthy relationship requires a good balance of nurturing the relationship vs. nurturing one's own ego. However, having boundaries in place that are intrinsic to the -relationship- makes it all the more crucial to make sure that situations of resentment due to pressure to provide for an undesireable need in one's mate OR to deny one's desires because a mate is disenchanted with them do, IMO, make it more vital for smaller groupings to have more similar desires and limits.

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 11/19/2009 12:00:50 PM >

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 11:55:58 AM

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You can enjoy something without it being overwhemingly important to you. So if your partner is terrified of canes, but fine with crops, paddles, bug zappers and a whole bunch of other stuff, then you can probably work it out.

Now if the dom makes canes and really loves them, then he isn't compatible with her. But for many people it isn't the activity per se, it's the reaction they get from their partner, the energy they produce that is more important than any one activity. So if you can get the reaction, can feed off the energy without this one thing, why wouldn't you?

Many men have idle fantasies about threesomes but prefer to be with a monogamous, nonbisexual partner and simply not have that particular fantasy come true because he gets to have a host of others happen in its place.

As far as you having to be the one who breaks her own limits, don't do it. You will dislike yourself for doing so, you'll dislike him for manipulating you into this and the relationship will be poisoned anyway.

Sometimes you simply have to say you aren't compatible.

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 11:56:53 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

What is more important to you? The individual person or the lifestyle? I guess what I am trying to ask is if you find someone you get along with, enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common with but, maybe a few of his or her hard limits are ones that you wish they didn't have. I guess what I am trying to ask is if there is room for compromise in D/s. Is it the sub who always conforms to the Dom? Or can Doms do some conforming of their own? Are there Doms who will give up "activity X" for a sub who is right for them in many other aspects?

Am I too vanilla for even asking the question???

Most important thing. Only you can determine if you are 'too vanilla' or not. Don't let anybody else answer that one, and many others like it, for you.

As to the rest, I can only speak for Myself and not the entire kink population. I'm going to be very frank with this statement. I have a lot of kinks. For Me, it would be almost impossible to find anyone who had exactly all of them to the same degree that I do. My collared boy has probably about 90% - 95% of the same tastes in things that I enjoy. A small percentage of that is up from when we first met. Since then, he's acquired a taste for things like needles and cuttings that he didn't have prior.

Off of the top of My head, he only has one hard limit that isn't a hard limit of Mine except in his situation. That is his aversion to long whips. Not because of the pain, but because the crack of the whip has bad effects on him due to spending too much time in war zones. (It's not an issue for things like dragon tails or tongues.) In My opinion, I'd be rather foolish to give up everything else that we enjoy together and having him in My collar over that.

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(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 11:58:47 AM

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quote:

...Are there Doms who will give up "activity X" for a sub who is right for them in many other aspects?...

of course.

not everyone who claims the Dom title is interested in controlling every aspect of the relationship you have with them, either. there are some Doms that just want to be submitted to in the bedroom only or by way of your wallet, and the rest of your life (including everything else that makes up your relationship) is up to you to dictate.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 11/19/2009 12:03:21 PM >

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 12:40:23 PM

SomethingCatchy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

What is more important to you? The individual person or the lifestyle? I guess what I am trying to ask is if you find someone you get along with, enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common with but, maybe a few of his or her hard limits are ones that you wish they didn't have. I guess what I am trying to ask is if there is room for compromise in D/s. Is it the sub who always conforms to the Dom? Or can Doms do some conforming of their own? Are there Doms who will give up "activity X" for a sub who is right for them in many other aspects?

Am I too vanilla for even asking the question???

Are you too vanilla? No. Does the entire question lack common sense? Yes.

People can do whatever the hell they feel like doing. If they want to compromise to keep a relationship thriving, then they'll do that. You should have known this by now.

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 1:04:37 PM

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The PERSON is always the most important component... kink can always be added to the mix in varying degrees. I've yet to find anyone that doesn't have some sort of dark, kinky desires; just need to create an environment that promotes the exploration of said dark, kinky desires.

< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 11/19/2009 1:06:17 PM >

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 1:27:13 PM

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Sometimes I wonder when I read a question like this--is the poster simply speculating or is there a real situation or relationship involved. covering the base that perhaps there is a sub this dom is considering who has hard limits that are kinks important to him, then I'd have to say--no, it's not a match. Keep as a friend perhaps but move along to find a different sub.

If a potential sub has a kink that is hard limit to the dom, you always have the option of asking another person to reward your sub with play. That's how I handle things I can't or won't do myself. Ask a friend to help. But when it works the other way--if their limit is your passion--nope, I don't know of a fix for that one. Unless you have multiple subs, which I do. I don't see them together, but each can play a role to me that suits my needs and they are only asked to meet their own best capacity.

I know why you are worried about sounding "vanilla". My kinks are so vanilla sounding that I dont' bother to list them. After a time, a sub understands me. understands why I enjoy something and gets into it too. That's one of the coolest things about d/s--when you find someone who suits you, you often end up adding new kinks to your list of favs. Orginally bondage did nothing for me, but I discovered ways of doing it that are really hot to me.

The hard limit is entirely different, I don't believe in pushing the really hard ones. Stretching yes, pushing over a limit, no. It all depends on if the limit has some leeway. Some do. If you're really creative maybe you can discuss with the potential sub some variations on their limits.. to see where is the true deal breaker or line in the sand.

Edited to indicate reply is to original poster. Will i EVER figure how to get the reply done correctly?

< Message edited by MsMillgrove -- 11/19/2009 1:30:18 PM >

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 2:57:17 PM

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People come before all else in my life. Without that special someone, there is no kink. My someone is why I feel kinky, not my kink that makes me feel something about someone. People want and expect different things. For my relationships, we work things out together so that we are both happy. If there are too many differences, we aren't a good match.

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 3:00:43 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

What is more important to you? The individual person or the lifestyle? I guess what I am trying to ask is if you find someone you get along with, enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common with but, maybe a few of his or her hard limits are ones that you wish they didn't have. I guess what I am trying to ask is if there is room for compromise in D/s. Is it the sub who always conforms to the Dom? Or can Doms do some conforming of their own? Are there Doms who will give up "activity X" for a sub who is right for them in many other aspects?

Am I too vanilla for even asking the question???

Depends on the person involved.

I don't compromise often..That would be pretty close to hardly ever when it comes to dynamics. I do at work and with friends but in an intimate setting..I'm the one who craves control and looks for the one that's willing to submit in the ways I need..To sum it up..she will be happy submitting to me and in submitting to me she will find her pleasure. Call it what you like...Extreme..self-centered..or wrong but don't call me Master if you can't follow my ways.

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(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 3:01:04 PM

subtlebutterfly

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Individual since the lifestyle isn't a "need"

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 3:05:51 PM

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For me, individual and relationship dynamic/type, the kink is just the pretty sprinkles.

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 3:08:39 PM

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You have a bunch of different opinions and variances when it comes to practice..so pick what suits you best. After all that's part of the beauty of this..being who you are inside.

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submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 3:17:47 PM

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quote:

For me, individual and relationship dynamic/type, the kink is just the pretty sprinkles.

For me the relationship dynamic and the control over it is my kink.It's a big part to what gets my motor running. I take no less than all of the female. If she's not willing to submit to what I consider completely then it's a turn off to me.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 3:25:51 PM

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I guess it's a bit of a tomato, tomaaato, thing. In my mind, the power exchange is one of the foundational building blocks of the relationship. Kink, to me, is activities, fun things to do. I can have a blast tying a woman up and doing wicked fun things to and with, her. But it's also something I could go without for the rest of my life. The power exchange, on the other hand is entirely different. I won't even try to build a relationship with a woman, without that as a primary foundation stone.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 11/19/2009 3:26:55 PM >

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 3:26:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
sometimes, folks slap a dominant label on themselves and then submit to their partner's demands/desires. as well, some folks slap a submissive label on themselves and then dictate to their partner what and when and how and why they can and cannot do _____________(fill in the blank).

it's a wacky world, innit?

While I have no authority to bestow them I feel this was worth a few NZ points.

Truer words are seldom spoken.

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